An Extremely Inappropriate, Extremely Shakespearean Dramatic Reading (feat. CDawgVA)


Nya~ :3 *Music* Joey: How’s it going everyone, this is The Anime Man and I am back Once again reading a weird-arse hentai but this time with the lovely CDawgVA. Connor: Oh, thank you. You’re too kind to me. J: I think this is the first time we’ve like, collabed together now that I think about it? C: Ah… like just us two? J: Like just-like just us two in a video, yeah. C: I don’t know why. J: I dunno know, yeah. C: We’ve never had something to do, I guess, but hey *EHEHEH* C: What better theme… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) *chuckle* J: What better theme… than to read another strangely translated hentai? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) J: So if you guys saw about a month ago, I did a reading– a dramatic reading of a very… inappropriate, J: Very bogan, redneck *Australian* doujin with my buddy Michael and uh, J: In response to that, somebody on Twitter sent me *this* particular… doujin… J: called Ayakashi no Omotenashi, or “A Monster’s Hospitality” J: But uh… J: It is being translated – so very kindly – by [~THOT Patrol Translations~] *dies* (C: “…I just love it”) J: Into… *chuckle* J: Into what is considered Shakespearean English… C: So naturally, that’s why I’m here, you know? J: Yeah, exactly. J: So naturally I was like, well, J: I gotta get, I gotta get somebody who can speak in a very ~eloquent~ manner in a very ~artistic~ manner J: So I got my buddy, Connor, to help me do this! C: I’m ready. I was born to do this. J: Alright, I’m gonna bring up the J: actual, like, original translated one J: just next to it just so, in case it gets way too weird that we can’t like understand it we’re gonna-we’re gonna do like the J: The traditional – like if you guys ever read Shakespeare stuff in-in high school J: And there you do the exact same thing cuz apparently Shakespeare is so artistic that he needs a fucking dictionary for himself C: I mean… you’re not wrong… *laughs* J: Alright, so… let’s– you wanna start? C: Yeah I’ll-I’ll be the main character because you know, why not? I love it already. They’ve already spelled “what” differently *chuckle* C: I’m already like thrown off like, J: WOT C: Yeah, it’s like the meme with the woman who’s like, “Wat” C: Alright, *ahem* C: *In a “more Shakespearean” accent* “Wat a stench!” C: “Wat a stench !” C: “It smelles like the flesch o’ man, rank with sweat… C: It smelles of young flesch, stil sweet with youth…” J: I love how they spell “flesch”! *giggles* C: Yeah, it’s like the [inaudible] J: *In a feminine voice* “Wat ages heth synce I caught but a single quarry…” J: “I wille not grant myne target escape this tyme…” J: I get what [s]he’s saying. Whatever that is– C: Roughly, roughly can understand– J: Yeah. J: Roughly ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) J: Dude, check out that logo! C: That’s a… J: THOT PATROL TRANSLATIONS C: You gotta move the THOTs out of the way, that giant T J: Like, back the fuck off, dude *laughing* J: I love how it’s like, so like, religious but it’s called J: THOT PATROL C: It’s like C: “If she breathes, she is a THOT, you know.” *more laughing* C: Um, is this me or you? J: I think that’s you, that’s the main character C: “escusen myn one.” C: “I ben a troubadour that hath loste his wae.” [do u kno de wae?”] C: “‘escusen myn, but mayhaps I can reste myn weary hed hir?” J: “A troubadour, you say?” (What the fuck’s a troubadour?) C: Perhaps it’s a “trouble-doer”. J: I think, apparently according to the original translation it’s “traveller”.
[troubadour=A travelling performer] C: Ahh~~~ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) J: “Troubadour”? Traveler? C: Very familiar with it, of course. J: “Qyte a precarious situation (yeesh)”, J: (fucking Christ) J: “…Situation ye find thyself in, venturing this far o’er the montagnes.” J: What is a “montagnes”? C: Boy if I know I– J: Oh, it’s “mountains”.
[yep] C: Oh. Wat? J: Ye. (Okay.. yea) J: MonTANNNS? J: Montuns… J: OH MONTINS J: The G is silent. I get it. J: We’re trying to decipher this shit with you guys C: It’s like the da Vinci Code of hentai (J: Yeah) J: I know *laughter* J: “I am Hebihime, a heathen monster.” J: “Should ye be amenable to reste in a pauper’s hosterfrye,” J: Hostelrye?
[old spelling of “hostelry”] J: Okay J: [“…This old, weathered place. Please make yourself at home.”] J: Damn. I’m hot dude dude. C: I mean that tail is… *oof* Both: OOF J: That tail does everything for me. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) *Snickering* (C: Oh god) *laughing* J: Oh I’m evil, tho. J: “Hah! This fool’s jaw hath loc’ed up in terr’r” [“Aye…Before the man goes to rest, I’ll swiftly steal his life force”] “Oh,” [“To offer such hospitality upon this poor traveller, may St. Julian bless you.”] Saint Julian! *wheeze* I love how it got, like, appropriately religious (Yeah) I mean it has to, doesn’t it? “Huh?” Yeah, same. [“This beggar isn’t afraid of me!”] *snort* [“If it wasn’t for your grace, I’d be dead by now.”]
[Annueleer: chantry priest; one who sings for the deceased every year] *laughs* What does that mean? I thought it was– Apparently, The original translation is, “I thought I was a goner when I lost my way. You really saved me.” Yeah, yeah, that’s what I said. Did you not hear it? I thought– Must’ve been like a silent T– I heard “chaunteth”. “Chaunteth”. I don’t know what “chaunteth” is though, I don’t know. CHAUNTETHFFPH *hah* “H-hold thy harness fast, doth thy senses fail or haveth you truly no knowledge of the being I am?” “Behold! For I am a heathen monster!” “ACH” My intention hath faile’ to penetrate thy wit seem’it. Did you just do like, a JonTron thing? Like, ECCH ACHHHH It’s like, “Ach! [inaudible]” *ecchs in Middle English* *achs* [“Your beauty has captivated me like a bee carried by the swift west winds–“]
[Zephyrus: Greek god of the west winds] I know that, “Zephyrus”, right? That’s also like a wind spell in games, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah “to the soothh
[soot’st: sweetest] soot soot soot soot soot soot Sooteth? …sut’pht’thh??? “Daye–” *wheeze* [“[The sweetest] daisy in a barren wasteland”] Dude, if you said that to me in bed, I would be so wet. men are disgusting they only want one thing they only want ~the swift wind of Zephyrus~ *bursts into laughter* That’s all men love Men are all the same oh my god “Sancta splith-” uh,, shit S-si-splith? *laughs* I’m gonna need you after this Yeah, I know right? [“How modest!”]
[Sancta simplicitas: literally ” ‘O Holy Simplicity”] “May the earth quake!” Wow, That’s like a fucking Roman line, dude “Let the heaven lay witnes’ to ‘er such a turn, as a rat in peril transformeth to a lusty capul!”
[capul: horse] “I must smoothe myn ruffled feathers…” *chuckle* Oh I think that’s me. Oh is it? That’s a line I’m saying, for sure “I must smoothe myn ruffled feathers…” “This time ‘er I swore that I do the natural duty o’ a heathen mal,”
[mal: illness] MAL?
(MyAnimeList) “To consume an un’ware passerby and banish myn cravings!” Oh, “I wanna eat you”, okay ohh boi “This time…” *eeehhhehuehheheh* Ooh I think we get a flashback now Ooh, flashback, alright, which one you want to be? Do you want to be uh, Tumblr furry? Or, uh…. Girl with horns? Umm… I’ll be the girl with the horns, why not? I just realised the Tumblr furry doesn’t have any lines… Oh wait he doesn’t? Oh you can have him, you can have him. Go ahead No, you can have him, you can have him! I wanna hear your other voice- You’re a voice actor, so… What on earth? Voice? Is this a dude or a g- Like this could be a trap That– that has to be a chick. Yeah, but look at that, their eyes and that smile, dude? I dunno, it’s… Ah I dunno man It could be 🌈 WHATEVER YOUR IMAGINATION WANTS IT TO BE ✨ *deep husky voice* “YO YO WADDUP MAAANG~” Oh my god deliver that voice for that dude… I don’t know, it’s gonna be difficult… How about we go *deep, hoarse voice* “Verily? Thou hast yet to sup’ upon the flesch of man, Hebihime?” “A finer meal is yet to be seen on lande.” (Fookin’ terrible) “Youth comes but as spice for th’ flavour o’ man. So what did you say I think this is your, like, a narration thing you know Oh yeah “Twas many moons past that mine fellow monsters, born with the crazy voice~ “Born of Satan’s gaze.” Oh, yeah, definitely sounded like you were born of “Satan’s gaze” “seeke’d me out t’hunt noble man.” But nonetheless… “Nonethe-lees?”
[nathelees: nevertheless] [“Victory always ran to-and-fro.”] “Fro ful ofte”…? I dunno Fro ful ofte? “Fro ful ofte”, that’s like an omelet, I think “Excuse me, chef, can I get myne froffoul’oftée?” “A knyght so [fair] and gay may rend me slayn.” Okay, man, lay off the gay.. “Hoh! What a por wh- Wyght.” [wyght: a living creature, esp. a human being] “Surely thou art th’ cobler’s kin?”
[cobler: cobbler; roadworker?] “[Perhaps] thou art lost?” “Alowe myneself to act a knyght an’ [show you] th’ path” “Mayhaps I am curtesie and virtus o’er burdened? “I can do not naught but flee” “t’was but [an infant]” ACH 🐴 Nay! “T’woulde be follie to cast mine arms aside.” ACHHHHh “My honour be scathe, I [offer] to thee a [feast] most fayre!” Oh I’m giving you food, okay “My blessings upon thee!” ” ‘Tis long ‘afore the soone(?) is riden out” “I’ll don’ the monkish robes, then lay entrapment with my [evil] and cunning [trickery]…” “Such finery hast [never] graced theese hum… humble– Why could they not put that? “Humble lips!” Humble lips… “oh, you surely flatter.” with your humble lips… “Mine entrapment hath surely [trapped] his wit!” “It is sprung!” WHAT sprung?? “A more” “A more gentil an’ [perfect maiden] there has not be’n. That ye have nay a bachelor foun’ is beyond mine [knowledge].” You kinda sound like Christopher Walken A MORE GENTIL, AN’ PARFAIT NAY THERE HAS NOT BE’N Cuz it’s so hard to like, line-read these. Yeah, I know “Vile beggester… ‘Tis thou that shall pass [between] mine [skewers?] as the carrack abeam two shores.”
[carrack: a type of European ship] Sure, whatever that means. [same] I think she’s happy. I just have to guess. “A Fayre night’s rest to thee.” I’m saying good night to you, alright. Thank you. “Packed is his bowel to the brimm, ’tis [difficult to restrain] “Restraining myne voracity” “Shall’t be the ’bout tyd fir the mare of [visions]…
[mare: a nightmare, or an evil spirit that causes nightmares] visithhhethhl’im…” Lemme try that again What is happening?? “Shall–” Okay, whatever. “Un’er this [nighttime moon], I leer the heaven’s feast, pity the poor [swine]” Oh, I’m about to like, eat you, I think? Oh ok, that’s fair, that’s fair. (Yeah) EEECCHHHH “Huh? By the Seints, ‘f not myn eyes defunct, he is not ‘er!” oh, where are you? Ohh shit you got me! A-aa~~ I like how they spelt “Saints” this time, with an E. Heh Seeeinnnts “To [God]!! May th’ aungels rob me of the shadow that plagueth me!!!” ACH, ’twas not myn wille to [distress] such a rebekke delecktay,”
[rebekke: a kind of fiddle?] That’s just “delicate”, that’s just an English word! (SHH SHHH) DELI-KEYT DELECKTAY~ “De l’equet’ée…” “I wer’ called to th’ forst to piss’ mynself a ryver.” *bursts into hysterical laughter* Why, that is the most fancy way of saying, “I almost pissed my pants” if, I’m scared Dude, next time someone scares me I’m just gonna be like: “I WER’ CALLED TO TH’ FORST TO PISS’ MYNSELF A RYVER” [“You almost had me cough up my heart.”] “Per I granted an inquiry, ‘f not too [bare]…” “What hath a buddin’ maiden such as thee, Hebihime, goth [things] at [eyeing] a man’s [dull] den?” Wot? Uhm…. I don’t –Good question, man! I dunno either! (What am I even saying?) “ACH, nay! Hath he penetrated myn fog o’ deception?” Oh, he’s caught me out of these lies! (Oh boy, we’ve just,) Wow, that went from a 0 to 100 “Oh! Oh my! Mime corpus!” A *meum corpus! “Hah! Has myne charme lastly [given] you th’ mayde’s shivers?” “Has thyne mayden’s silk burst its banks as the Thames, and o’er flow’d with thyne nector d’amour?” *laughs* what is…? I dunno! Good question, man! (That is amazing..!) why…??? “Has the mead at last [muddled this rascal’s head] as the desert plays upon the turk’s wyt?”
[mead: alcoholic honey drink] “Aye, it has [long] synce passed that I fairly empty’d mine testes an’ came in– *Joey cracks up* “Came in unto a mayde such as thou.” “At last, allow us to ajoin as a union o’ bacelor et mayden” Mayden. I read that like French, Jesus. Hoh~~~~~ “Th’ arome o’ mead lays upon him as the hart fawn upon th’ sod whan Aprill is come.” “Mayhaps I can turn this to myne owne fortunes?” Oh, she wants me. (Oh yeah) I mean, I want *you* (Yeah you do) Damn, dude. Alright, there’s some censorin’. Here we go! That just came out of nowhere, dude! They came out of– It just‘d on me “It has been auld lyne syne last a felloe [rode to] thees landes” “For not to lay myne honor filthie an’ unkempt, I [pray thee] to accept myne corpus an’ bawdy services as but a humble favour.” Mm.. MMMHH! Yeah, I love, okay Because I mean I-I-I read the other translation of this and it literally says “Sounds good to me” And look how many words they’ve translated “sounds good to me” into “E’en the fynest bard imbued with the muse make not such sweet sound to myne ear.” (Sounds good to me!) My dick’s out Nice, nice, nice. “A whale…” *Joey fucking dies* (sorry i read it) “A whale of a flesch stalk is this one…” Dude, I want a girl to say that to me She calls you a whale of a flesch… With a C-H! yeah, a C-H stalk “A [joke] shallt thou witnes’ fir wen as I pileth thy knobbes… with myn [cheeks]…” “By the highest Jove!”
[By Jove: “By Jupiter”] “Myn wittes buds carole and ronde! “Betrayed is myn [trust] ‘fore this divine taste o’ a man’s– o’ a fesch man!” I think I’m saying that you tasted good Yeah yea ya I’m guessing. The visuals would imply that. “Al forms o’ men’s sondry tonges [flawlessly] can scribe this oral sensation not of this realm!” “Thy nectar is sweeter th’n any ciser I [know of]!”
[ciser: a strong drink.] When she says thy nectar is sweeter th’n any ciser I ken Yeah, that’s how you know you’re in “With haste thou gobbleth myn *laughs* GOBBLETH! *wheeze* i’m srry “gobbleth”…. *snickers* You wanna gobbleth myn sword? “With haste thou gobbleth myn sword als sugre-candy.” (sugre candy??) “The harlot o’ Cali- Caligua? Cali- Caligula? (Caligula.) Caligula. (Caligula) “So renoun’d boweth ‘fore this un’s carve! *crave Crave! Yes, “This un’s crave”, yes, yes. …sugre candy I love how it’s spelled with a “G-R-E”. Alright. Oh, you’re going for it now, I think in this way oh HELL YEH “Oo-wah!” aCK WITHOLD THYNSELF MADAM HEBIHIME !? “If you handle myne sword with such vigor– ! I’ll come in unto thyne lips!” **SLLUUUUUURP*** “Ah, if myne memorie does not fail me, is this hole not the cavity from whence a bachelor’s vigour sallies?” oh my god! How is it that like when it’s in like Old English it’s somehow more sexual I know right this cuz there’s more it feels like it’s being described in more detail even though it’s (yeah) And you don’t even know what’s happening It’s like French, you know, you know, it’s a real thing, but you don’t-you don’t have a fucking clue “I [bind] thy baton as Minos, the connoisseur o’ sins,
[Minos: a judge of the underworld in Greek mythology] wrapth its tail ’round the corpus to guide th’ shadows to their circle o’ inferno they deserve…” “Ha!” “Now, surrender thyself to th’ deadly sin! Release in ful’ force the seed bound so taut unto myn beguiling [might]!” “Ach! ‘Tis a devel’s werk by the tunge!” I LOVE the spelling on that; “werk” and “tunge” *claps* WERRRK wurrrk TUNGGGGe “Ruptureth myn pintie!” That apparently translates to, “I’m cum”. YeahHAHAHAHAH Such language… (oh damn…) 『 S U C C 』 OH You know, it’s the *true* English. It’s the way it was meant to be. Yeah the good SUCC “mmh! the volume of MMMHHHPFFHH! “The fair volume of his charge hath made breathing an arduous task!” “By the Seints! I have cometh in unto thyne embrouche.” Embrooch? “What a lavish feast he hath given me!” “The viscosity is such that it lingers in myne throte as doth the mist upon the morn’ ” “Truly, this is…!” OH I’m DUDE look at my tail. I’m into iiiit~ (BOIIIIII) Described as “viscous”, please. That’s… yeah, ah… Turn me on, boi. All right, wow, OK. “W-what…?” “What sort of spel hath ablazed myn sense and soul?” “Doth thy humours kepth well?”
[humour: bodily fluid] “AhhhCH, strengthe escapeth myn corpus, myn limbs so limp as an unbound [bundle of sticks].” *inhales* What, was that f– (w0th) Or is that “fa-GOH” I, idk which one it– You never know with old English, you never know. I’m gonna say “f****t” because it’s more funny [it’s actually the same word] “Hath I perhaps been come unto mynself?” “As a cole heap, nestled snug unto a master smith’s forge do I burn when cradled by him?” “Am I…?” AACCH “Tis just as I thoght — Your meiden’s envelope flouds fayrly as that what God layed upon Noah.” “Such be… t’exten… (What the…) t’extente? Text Entei? TTTTTTTTTT? Yeah I think so “Such be t’extente of thyne delit ‘an pleasur.” “Meiden’s envelope” is probably the greatest way you can say “vagina”. I’ve heard a lot of ways to describe it That’s uh… that’s a new one. “Eh?” “What ho!” *laughs* “What ho! You [intrude] upon me as the dawn upon nite! I am but… avaun… Avauncee? Avauncen? Avauncen our fayre lover’s dance…. Daunce… Dunce? “Mayhap I have frighten’d thee– Y-*you, sorry. Mayhap myne clip fayres too quik?” clip… “but” owh “Thyne meid’s lips woulde implien another storie!” *wheeze* *laughs* Is he saying she wants to go again? Is that what he’s tryna… Yeah, yeah! Yeah, I think he’s saying, “Down here is saying something else!” Aw nooo! “– e’er deeper it [beckoned] me…” *claps* It “bekken” me! BEKNen MEEE “Don’t!” “Ahhhh…” “Hah!!” “As I seyd, thy hoghol is drenched to the petal toppe.” (hoghol…!) *laughs* “By Jove! ‘Tis so wett!” with TWO T’s… “wett”… That’s the new way… “So sodden!” “Is’t myn trewest of intention to bear the seed of this beggester?” “Nay, I moste feed on him! ‘Tis a ruse!” “Loosen thy muscles, maiden, for I shallt be gentil.” “gentil”… oh god.. Gentyl, gentile… “My ner- Ach, Nervus are ablaze, my corpus aken!” “Then I shallt only [joke] fir only a wink of a tyme, shallowest of merrymaking, Only the speartip willt pass the agape port…!” (speeertipp!) *clap clap* *laughs* (oh godd) “If that is thyne wille, may the Seints watch o’er, so be it…!” I love the censoring It’s like barely even censored. It’s like, Dude, what’s the point? Yeah, I know… (Yeah, he, that’s- that’s–) I mean we’re not gonna see any of that. That is, yeah, that’s just the tip That is certainly just the tip, that is… (oh yeah) Yeah… Oh god… AAACCHHH “You are narowe as the.. [Thames in drought]!” It’s the fucking river.. I love it! “I tolde you to but insert the point of thyne pike…”
[pike: long spear used for thrusting] ” ‘Tis but folie to think one coulde cease his advaunce at the tip…” *claps* hOh my god! I just love how jolly how he sounds like No, ’tis but a folie to think one coulde cease his advaunces at the tip!” Love it, I love it. It’s amazing. yeah. “[Verily], if thou are by noon assent in delit, shou’d I areste myne visage? visage? viage. Viage?
[=voyage/journey] aaACH…! “uuh” “That I woulde lay with one of God’s own, an swine hi- *swyve him…”
[swive: to copulate] “Ah! Slakke in your assaut…” “Give thyself a slack, [do not stress your hips].” “Myn serpent maiden, Hebihime! Thy… Countenan- Count- Countenan- Countenance?
[=face] “Thy [face], ’tis so [unkempt], so wanton, as a fertile beenest that drippeth of hony!” (hony) Hoh-ny I d- I don’t know! I dunno, could be honey? NAY! ACCCH! “Place thy eyes elsewhere! Spare myn pryde!” “He draweth such lewed mones from mynself, ’tis nigh impossible to holden!” “But nay… The gate giveth ground to the battering ram!” (battering ram…!) “But to dip myn tohe into th’ see o’ lasse’s pleasur…” When bae describes you as a battering ram, MMM. “At last! I can enjoy [fornication] not as a [fiend, but] as one in God’s lyght does. He [treats me] as his own kind!!!” “Ahh! Deeper! ohff, god. *Depper, sorry. Depper. “Ahh! Depper! Aah! [Once again] plungen myne depthes!!!” Oh, I will. “Ach! [At first you wax(?) loose!] Thyne meid’s sheath slakes its grippe!” “Heh heh… I’m fayne… “From [dusk till dawn] your wyf I can be! Bed me as you would your… bitreuthien?”
[=future spouse] “Only ’till morrow’s morn?” (Yes only till morrow’s morn.) Mm, damn. That’s a nice position. But I don’t know how you would do it, the snake, otherwise to be completely honest. You should wrap around each other… Oh shit, is it? Oh.. “Cut thy words short, let not our mingling be only fir a nyght. “Fyr a nyght”? If I am ever saying “fyr a nyght” that is the only way I wanna spell it ever again. “Verily, an aet– Ae-eh- aeternity’s worth, willt thou accept me as thyn?” Oh, he’s fuckin’ proposing, fam! He’s going in, literally! “Willt thou [let] a ryng rest round thy finger?” “Wh–!” “Thou art truly a strange felowe…” “[Are you not aware of] myn heathen or– or-ori- origine travelour?” “With– with.. wh- “With truthe [your heart] speaketh, fool?” You see, “in myn Iorney’s paths,
[iorney: journey] many a heathens and beests crossed I.” “Their eyes reflecteth the inglenooks of [heart].”
[inglenook: corner beside a fireplace] OK… “Thy entention [does not put up with] sins or the devel’s… [sweet]speak! I’m trying to do this as like romantic as possible Yeah I know “Never willt thou giveth [way] to [murder] a mann such as I!” Ach! “Neigh… 🐴 th’ well-bottom o’ myn min- my- myn minde hath been given [light]…” Oh, dude, I am fucking strangling your arse now You’re goin’ in! Yeah Aw dude, is that like snake tsundere? Oh maybe It’s not like I’m gonna kill you or anything, baka! “Knave! Trewe as [the Sun climbs] o’er th’– th’oris… th’orisonte???”
[th’orisonte: the horizon] I’mma leave this one to you *chuckles* Oh God “Myne benigne acte is but a facade t’ make you next morne’s mete!” “I feh- I fayrly skof at the idea that I would be thyne wyf!” Dude, I’m spelling “wife” like that from now on W-Y-F (That’s the only way) “T’woulde take but one swifte dresse to [empty] this unquiet foole, to [deprive] him of his breth an’ lay bare his [flesh]…” Oh, dude, I AM trying to kill you! Yeah, you are. “Surely I can quelle– I can– Is that supposed to be “kill”?
[yep] “Surely I can kill him…” I mean, *maybe*… “[Surely], you cannot slee me, e’en when [given] ful aventure.” Just screw the D. “By such seeth it is not so…?” “Thenne for what resoun?” WOW, that is-that is my new favorite way how to spell “reason”. I’m getting- I am expanding my vocabulary. “RESOUN” “Pester not thyne heede with such petty [complaints]. Let us hasten e’er foreward with our merie romp.” That’s the best way to say “having sex”, “A merie romp” “Just a good ol’ ‘merie romp’!” “Would you like a merie romp?” “I cannot leve myne [fiend] c- c- C-comereds from heth- hethenessen, hetheneth- thfuck. [Paganism] lay eyes upon me in such a con-contricioun?
[contricioun: contrition; remorse] *Michael Jordan impression*
“Stop it, get some help.” Jesus Christ. “Not e’en the sterres in the heavens coude forseeth that I woude be rend so lovestruck.” “Hei, hei, thou less thy breath [vain]! Thy [hip] shan’t be– yy.. …ydell? Un’er me!”
[ydell: idle] “Hiere vice-grippeth e’en tighter than before, “vice grippeth”! “Thy desiren fir me to accept thou– A fool’s tunge [plays] sounder! Howe’er… See that thou maketh baer thy seed, then, I shallt be a hen under thy arms…” “Swear on th’ Styx!” “Ach! Then less the [watercourse be calmed] ’til no lovelixer springeth forth!”
[lovelixer: love elixir] “Myn babee [house] is being ramm’d?!” “I shallt not guiden myn seed anyere but to thy womb!” “Hei! [bless] myn kin!” This is just.. Oh my god, you have to say to your future wife, “Benyson myn kin!” Yeah, I’m using like the English translation to figure out what the fuck is going on “Cumin! u-unto me!

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