Ari Shaffir Does Drugs – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

(increasingly loud music) – [Ari Shaffir] Anyone at
home and watching this, the worst possible
scenario on drugs is that you don’t get fucked up. (laughter) (bass-heavy dance music) Welcome to This Is
Not Happening presents One Crazy Night. So this is what we do: have a bunch of
comedians tell stories about a similar subject. So this is just One Crazy Night. – [Announcer] Please,
put your hands together for your host, Ari Shaffir. (applause) – Very nice. How are you guys? Thank you very much
for coming out. Here’s the deal. I’m gonna talk about
drugs, for a second. Yeah, you guys heard of ’em? Have you heard of ’em? They’re amazing. (laughter) Here’s what I do to pass time. In my free time, I like
to go to UFC events. My friend gets me free tickets. He works for them, so as a Jew, that’s the exact right price. (laughter) That I’m willing to
pay every single time. Any event really,
it doesn’t matter. Be like, “Hey, I got
two tickets to the,” I’m like (screaming),
“Stop right there, because I’m in.” (laughter) So I go to these UFC events,
these cage fighting things and if you ever watch ’em on TV, it lasts like two
or three hours, but if you actually
go to one of ’em, it’s like six and
half hours long and that’s way too long
not to be fucked up, (laughter) and beer costs so
much at those things, so I figure you
can just take drugs and you could smuggle
them inside your system. (laughter) So I’ve taken all
sorts of stuff. I’ve taken ecstasy before
and mushrooms there and acid, that was
probably the best one (laughter) and pot cookies. I’ve taken those. Those are my normal
ones, just pot cookies. So I wanna talk about
pot cookies for a second. Here’s the thing with
certain types of drugs. Alcohol, weed,
it’s not that hard, like you smoke it
or you take a shot. Within five minutes,
you know how fucked up you’re gonna get off that thing, but some drugs takes
like an hour to kick in and by then it’s too late. (laughter) This ride is already in motion. The fuckin’ things have
come down, you’re in, so … So is that Holy
Grail of drug use is taking the
exact right amount. That’s so hard to get. ‘Cause if you take too
much, you’re fucked. If you don’t take enough,
that’s the worst thing that can happen to you. The worst possible
scenario on drugs is that you don’t get fucked up. (laughter) So you gotta figure
out how much to take, so what I would say is, no matter what people
tell you to take, take like eight percent extra. You wanna make sure. So I took this pot cookie at this UFC fight one time
and you ever start like getting higher and
higher on a pot cookie? Like you start blasting off? (laughter) You know you have
like a range in mind from here to here and
then you’re just going boom, boom! And you’re like still going up. (laughter) Just fuckin’ shootin’
through the ceiling like Willy Wonka in
the Chocolate Factory. You know on the elevator and
it goes right through the top. Where I was always like, “Why do you make the
ceiling out of glass if the elevator can do that?” It’s just a poor design from
an engineering standpoint, but whatever. So I was doing that. I was sittin’ in my
chair at this UFC fuckin’ flyin’ just sittin’
there enjoyin’ it like this. My friend kept turning to me every once in awhile. She’d be like, “Good
fights, right?” I’d go (grunting) (laughter) Like this is not my first time. I’m not gonna fuck up. You gotta do better than that if you’re gonna try to trick me. (laughter) Every like hour,
she’d say something, I’d just mutter back
at her like (grunting). (laughter) Like, I’m just too good at this, but then after like
three hours, she goes, “Hey, do you wanna go get
some snacks from concession?” And I go, “Fuck, yes.” (laughter) How did you know that?
How did you know that? That’s exactly what I wanna do. You’re in my mind, right now. So I’m like, “Let’s go,
let’s go to the concession.” So we stood up, there’s
like three steps up to the main level
and here’s the thing: There’s a different
level of fucked up, no matter what you’re on, alcohol, drugs, there’s
a different level from when you’re sitting
to when you’re standing, (laughter) and you think those two
things would be related, but they’re completely
not related. Like, when you’re sittin’ down, you’re like, “Okay, I was
pretty bad there for awhile.” (laughter) I think I’m coasting now. I think we’re okay. I was close to barfing. When you’re like this,
when you’re like … (laughter) That’s always a sign. If you ever see somebody
doin’ that at a bar, just goin like this … (laughter) Just move away from that
person, immediately. So you’re like, “Okay,
I think I’m good now. It’s been like an hour.
I’m in control, yeah. I’m in control. Let’s do
this,” and you stand up, you’re like, “Oh fuck no.
I’m not in control at all. The drug is in control.” It was gettin’ really bad to the point where I had
to have a talk with myself in my brain. Like a full discussion. That’s when you know
shit’s going bad. When your brain says, “Ari, I need to talk
to you for a minute.” (laughter) I was like, “What? What’s happening, brain? What’s a matter?” ‘Cause I stood up, we went
right out to the front line. We got right into
the concession line. It was like right after
a fight, so it was like perfect timing. We got in, people
got in behind me, then I started gettin’
real light headed. My brain’s like, “Let me tell you something,” and I was like, “What
do you have to tell me?” (laughter) “Like, you only
give me bad news. Is everything totally cool?” And brain was like, “Listen Ari, here’s
what’s going to happen: You’re going to pass out.” (laughter) And I was like,
“What! No fuckin’ way! No, I’m not doin’ that in
a concession line at a UFC. No, I’m not doin’ that. We gotta be another option. We gotta figure
somethin’ else out. We’re not fuckin’
passin’ out right here. No, no. And my brain was like, “Shh.” (laughter) “Shh. It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Listen, fighting it,
that’s not gonna help. You’re going to pass out. So let me prepare you.” And I was like,
“Alright cool, I guess.” But what I gotta do,
so my brain was like, “You’re gonna fall asleep.
You’re gonna wake up in about twenty five
seconds on the floor and there’s gonna be a bunch
of people staring at you. (laughter) And you’re prolly gonna feel
really, really embarrassed. I want you to get up,
and walk away rapidly.” (laughter) And I was like, alright,
I can handle that. If that’s my future,
that’s not so bad. I can deal with that. So I’m in this concession line, everything’s gettin’ real light, it’s just gettin’ like, I don’t know if you guys
have ever passed out before? You don’t black out. I’m
not tryin’ to be racist, but you don’t black out. (laughter) Everything gets white
and you white out, and then you start sweating, like I’m sittin’ there, it’s
getting whiter and whiter. Everything. You’re
like pouring sweat. My t-shirt’s like soaked, and then the last thing
to go is your hearing. It just starts ringing, it starts going (increasingly
high pitched humming), like that, so I could
barely hear anything, I could barely see. I’m startin’ to go and then, right before I
completely shut off, the last guy in the
concession line got his stuff and he like, he left. So there, just me
and the counter and so I just lunged
at the counter and put my hand on it and then I locked my elbow and then I just went out. I was just like … (laughter) (applause) I can’t see. I can’t hear. I don’t know what’s up or down. Every part of my body is asleep, every part, except my elbow. That’s the only thing keepin’ it all together. My elbow’s like photo
baggage’s buddy, like, I’ll take
it from here, sir, and pretend this isn’t
about homosexuality. So I’m like this, for
real, like 20, 25 seconds. Until the first thing that starts coming back
is my hearing. It was like the ringing stopped and the first thing I hear was the guy behind the
concession stand just going, “Sir! Sir! What can I get you?” (laughter) I was just like, “You can
get me like one minute. That’s what I need personally.” (laughter) And then I was able to
like slowly get my footing and like the sweating
started to like slow down, and I looked at
her and I was like, “Okay, now like four popcorns
and six pieces of pizza,” I said, “Immediately.” And then we’ll start talking. And I was able to like
completely come back. And I was like, “Whoa.” (deep sigh) And then I looked
over at my friend and my friend was just
standing next to me going like this, like … (laughter) And I was like, “What?” (laughter) And she goes, “What. What?
No! You don’t get to ask that. Like you didn’t do anything
outta the ordinary there. What the fuck was that?” ‘Cause she didn’t even
know I had taken anything. So to her, for the
last three hours, I had just been boring. (laughter) And then I got to the front
of the concession line and started doing the
Twizler dance outta nowhere. She’s like, “What was that?” And I was like, “That? That
was someone who just took the right amount of drugs.” That’s what I was like. (applause) (bass-heavy upbeat music) Hey, why dontchu click “Like” so that this YouTube
clip gets better views and subscribe so
that you can see next week’s story. And don’t forget
to leave a comment. I command you. (high pitched screeching)


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