Avenue Q – Full Show – Midvale Main Street Theatre


(“Avenue Q Theme”) The sun is shining It’s a lovely day A perfect morning For a kid to play But you’ve got lots of bills to pay What can you do? You work real hard And the pay’s real low And every hour Goes oh so slow And at the end of the day, There’s nowhere to go But home to Avenue Q You live on Avenue Q Your friends do, too You are 22 And you live on Avenue Q You live on Avenue Q You live on Avenue Q! (“What Do You Do…?”) What do you do With a B.A. in English? What is my life going to be? Four years of college And plenty of knowledge Have earned me this useless degree I can’t pay the bills yet, ‘Coz I have no skills yet The world is a big scary place Yet somehow, I can’t shake The feeling I might make A difference To the human race! Ha! (“It Sucks To Be Me”) Morning, Brian. Oh. Hi, Kate. How’s life? Disappointing. Oh, what’s the matter? Well, the catering company laid me off. Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah. Me, too. I mean, look at me. I’m ten years out of college, and, well, I always thought— What? No, it sounds stupid. Aww, come on. When I was little, I thought I would be What? A big comedian on late night TV Oh. But now, I’m 32 And, as you can see I’m not Nope! Oh well. It sucks to be me No. It sucks to be me No! It sucks to be broke and unemployed And turning 33 It sucks to be me You think your life sucks? Yeah, I think so. Your problems aren’t so bad. I’m kind of pretty, And pretty damn smart You are. Thanks. I like romantic things Like music and art And, as you know, I have a gigantic heart So why, Don’t I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me Me, too! It sucks to be me It sucks to be me It sucks to be Brian And Kate To not have a job To not have a date It sucks to be me (Rod and Nicky arguing) Hey, Rod, Nicky, Do you have a second? Yeah, certainly. Whose life sucks more? Brian’s or mine? Ours! Ours! We live together We’re close as people can get We’ve been the best of buddies Ever since the day we met So he knows lots of ways To make me really upset What? Oh, every day is an aggravation Come on, that’s an exaggeration! You leave your clothes out What? You put your feet on my chair Oh yeah? You do such anal things Like ironing your underwear You make that very small apartment we share A hell! So do you! That’s why I’m in hell, too! It sucks to be me No, it sucks to be me It sucks to be me It sucks to be me Is there anybody here It doesn’t suck to be? It sucks to be me Brian! What you doing? Oh shit. Why you all so happy? Well, ‘coz our lives suck. Your lives suck? I hearing you correctly? Ha! I come into this country for opportunity Tried to work in Korean deli, But I am Japanese But with hard work, I earn two Master degree In social work And now, I am therapist But I have no clients And I have an unemployed fiancé And we have Lots of bills to pay! Ugh. It suck to be me It suck to be me I say it Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka- Suck! It suck to be me Uh, excuse me? Well, hey there. Sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for a place to live. Why you looking all the way out here? Well, I started at Avenue A, but everything so far has been out of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper. Oh, and look — a “For Rent” sign! You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me go get him. Great, thanks! Yo, Gary! I’m comin’! I’m comin’! (Diff’rent Strokes theme plays) Oh my God! It’s Gary Coleman! Yes, I am! I’m Gary Coleman From TV’s “Diff’rent Strokes” I made a lotta money That got stolen by my folks Now I’m broke And I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes But I’m here The superintendent! On Avenue Q It sucks to be you You win. It sucks to be you I feel better now! Try having people stopping you to ask you “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” It gets old. It sucks to be you On Avenue Q (Sucks to be me) On Avenue Q (Sucks to be you) On Avenue Q (Sucks to be us) But not when we’re together We’re together Here on Avenue Q We live on Avenue Q Our friends do, too ‘Til our dreams come true, We live on Avenue Q This is real life. We live on Avenue Q You’re gonna love it. We live on Avenue Q Here’s your keys. Welcome to Avenue Q! Oh, I’m Princeton. Hey buddy, I’m Brian. Oh and that’s my fiancée. My name Christmas Eve. You so cute! Very handsome! You single? Yeah. Because she single. Oh, Christmas Eve. That’s Kate Monster. She lives in our building. Hi. Hi. Trekkie! Morning, Trekkie. Me busy. Me no time to talk. And that is Trekkie Monster. He a pervert. You no spending time with him. Come on inside, kid. I’ll show you the place. Oh, great. Thanks! You know, many distinguished
people have expressed interest in this fine address. No kidding. Yeah. So what you think, Kate Monster? He cute, right? Yeah. You go get him! A man respond to an aggressive woman. You! Go get job! I’ll get right on it. See? An afternoon alone with my favorite book, “Broadway Musicals of the 1940s” And no roommate to bother me. How can it get any better than this? Oh, hi Rod! Hi, Nicky. Hey Rod, you’ll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy was smiling at me, and talking to me. That’s very interesting. Mm-hmm. He was being real friendly. And I think he was coming on to me. I think he might’ve thought I was gay. So, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don’t care. What did you have for lunch today? Well you don’t have to get all defens— I am not getting defensive! What do I care about some gay guy you met? Okay? I am trying to read. Well, I didn’t mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it’s something that
we should be able to talk about. Well, I do not want to talk about it. Nicky, this conversation is over. Yeah, but Rod— Over! Well, okay, but just so you know If you were gay, (“If You Were Gay”) That’d be okay I mean ‘coz, hey, I’d like you anyway Because, you see, If it were me, I would feel free to say That I was gay But I’m not gay Nicky, I’m trying to read. What?! If you were queer, Nicky. I’d still be here – Nicky, please. I’m trying to read this book. Year after year – Nicky. Because you’re dear to me Argh! And I know that you What? Would accept me, too – I would? If I told you today, “Hey! Guess what. I’m gay!” But I’m not gay I’m happy Just being with you – “High Button Shoes”… – “Pal Joey”… So what should it matter to me What you do in bed with guys? Nicky, that is gross! – No, it’s not! If you were gay, I’d shout hooray! – Ahh!! – I am not listening! I mean ‘coz, hey, – La la la la la! But I wouldn’t get in your way – Ahh!! You can count on me To always be – Stop it! Beside you every day To tell you it’s okay, You were just born that way And, as they say, It’s in your DNA, You’re gay – I am not gay! If you were gay – Argh! Thanks, Gary, for helping me move in. No sweat. And you got your first day of mail. Oh, thanks! What’s in all these boxes? Anything good? My parents sent all of my stuff from home. How nice. And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill, your cell phone bill, your Internet bill, your credit card bill— Oh my God. You got any money? Well, I start work tomorrow. (phone rings) Gary Coleman. It’s for you. Oh. Uhm, hello? Oh, hi! It’s my job. I’m so excited to meet all of you tomorrow. Sorry, I can barely hear you. Did you—? Did you say “downsizing”? But how can I be laid off when I haven’t even— No, wait. Please don’t hang up! Wait! How am I supposed to live? Hello? Oh, kid, don’t look so long in the face. Here’s a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long-range planning. If life gets you down, don’t just sit on your ass and let it pass you by. ‘Coz you know what they say — if you rearrange the letters in “unemployed”, it spells “opportunity”. What? Maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe I’m not supposed to work in
some dumb office for the rest of my life. Maybe — maybe I have a higher purpose. What’s a purpose? A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, a family. It could be the pursuit of knowledge or wealth. Everybody’s purpose is different. The best thing about a purpose
is that it gives your life meaning. I want a purpose. Purpose (“Purpose”) It’s that little flame That lights a fire under your ass Purpose It keeps you going strong Like a car with a full tank of gas Everyone else has a purpose So what’s mine? Oh, look! Here’s a penny! It’s from the year I was born! (gasps) It’s a sign! Ha! I don’t know how I know But I’m gonna find my purpose I don’t know where I’m gonna look But I’m gonna find my purpose Gotta find out Don’t wanna wait Got to make sure that My life will be great Gotta find my purpose Before it’s too late He’s gonna find his purpose Whoa, I’m gonna find my purpose He’s gonna find his purpose Yeah, I’m gonna find my purpose Could be far, could be near Could take a week, A month, a year (Maybe more) At a job or smoking grass Maybe at a pottery class Could it be? Yes, it could! Something’s coming, Something good! I’m gonna find my purpose, yeah You’re gonna find your purpose I’m gonna find it, yeah! What will it be? Where will it be? My purpose in life is a mystery Gotta find my purpose Gotta find me You’re gonna find your purpose Whoa, I’m gonna find my purpose You’re gonna find your purpose Purpose, purpose, purpose! Yeah, yeah! I gotta find me He’s gonna find his purpose, whoa My purpose in life is to help
people find themselves. My purpose in life is to make people laugh. Oh, and to make money doing it. My greatest fear is that I already
achieved my damn purpose in life. And now, I’m just happy to walk out my front door with a little bit of self-respect. Oh, hi, Kate Monster. Princeton! Hi! Hi. Uh, Kate, can I ask you a question? Uh, sure! What’s your purpose in life? Oh! Well, I’m a kindergarten teaching assistant. Right. But what’s your purpose? Your dream. Your mission. Well, no one ever wants to know that. I do. Well, okay, since you asked… I can’t. I barely know you. Aww, come on! Alright. Ever since I was a little Monster, I always wished I had a special place I could go. Only for Monsters. The media only talks about the bad things Monsters do. But some of the most productive members
of our society are People of Fur. So, that’s my dream. To start a special school only for Monsters. Where little Monsters can learn to
become part of the global community. And that, in short, is my purpose. But I’m not an egghead or anything! I like to have fun and party. Oh, so you’re into all that Monster stuff, then. Uh-huh. Oh, do you know Trekkie Monster upstairs? Uh-huh. Well, he’s Trekkie Monster, and you’re Kate Monster. Right. You’re both Monsters. Yeah. Are you two related? What? Princeton, I’m surprised at you! I find that racist! Well, I’m sorry! I was only asking. Well, it’s a touchy subject. No, not all Monsters are related. What are you trying to say, huh? That we all look the same to you? No! No! No! Oh, I’m sorry. I guess that was a little racist. I should say so. You should be more careful when you’re
talking about the sensitive subject of race. Well, look who’s talking! What do you mean? What about that special Monster school you just told me about? What about it? Well, could someone like me go there? No, we don’t want people like you there. Aha! You see? (“Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist”) You’re a little bit racist Well, you’re a little bit, too I guess we’re both a little bit racist Admitting it is not an easy thing to do But I guess it’s true Between me and you, I think Everyone’s a little bit racist sometimes Doesn’t mean we go around committing hate crimes Look around and you will find No one’s really color-blind Maybe it’s a fact we all should face Everyone makes judgments Based on race Not big judgments, like who to hire, or who to buy a newspaper from. No! No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak goddamn English! Right! Everyone’s a little bit racist today So, everyone’s a little bit racist, okay! Ethnic jokes might be uncouth, But you laugh because they’re based on truth Don’t take them as personal attacks Everyone enjoys them So relax! Alright, stop me if you’ve heard this one. Okay. Okay, there’s a plane going down, Uh-huh. There’s only one parachute. Hmm… And there’s a rabbi, a priest And a black guy! What you talkin’ ’bout, Kate? Uhm… You were gonna tell a black joke! Well, sure, Gary. But lots of people tell black jokes. I don’t. Well, of course you don’t. You’re black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right? Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks! Well, don’t you think that’s a little racist? Well, damn, I guess you’re right. You’re a little bit racist Well, you’re a little bit, too We’re all a little bit racist I think that I would have to agree with you We’re glad you do It’s sad, but true! Everyone’s a little bit racist — ‘aight. ‘Aight! ‘Aight! Alright. Bigotry has never been exclusively white If we all could just admit That we are racist, a little bit, Even though we all know that it’s wrong, Maybe it would help us — Get along Christ, do I feel good! Now there was a fine upstanding black man! Uh, who? Jesus Christ. But Gary, Jesus was white. No, Jesus was black. No, Jesus was white. No, I’m pretty sure that Jesus was black. I have seen pictures and Jesus is white! Guys, guys. Jesus was Jewish! (laughter) Hey guys, what are you laughing about? Racism. Cool. Brian! You come back here! You take out lecycuraburs! What’s that mean? Ugh. Recyclables. Hey, don’t laugh at her! How many languages do you speak? Oh, come off it, Brian. Everyone’s a little bit racist I’m not! Oh no? Nope! Ha! How many Oriental wives have you got? – What? Brian! Brian, buddy, where you been? The term is “Asian-American” I know you are no intending to be But calling me “Oriental” Offensive to me I’m sorry, honey. I love you. And I love you. But you’re racist as fuck. Yes, I know. The Jews have all the money And the whites have all the power And I’m always in taxi-cab With driver who no shower Me, too! Me, too! I can’t even get an Uber! Everyone’s a little bit racist, it’s true But everyone is just about as racist as you If we all could just admit That we are racist, a little bit, And everyone stopped being so PC, Maybe we could live in — Harmony! Ev’lyone’s a ritter bit lacist! Today, I feel like I’m getting closer to my purpose. School crossing guard! No, that’s not me. Manicurist! Not quite. Birthday party clown! Closer. But still, no. Wait a minute. My purpose! I feel it in the corner of my mind! It’s — it’s — Hey, Princeton! It’s us! Who are you? The Bad Idea Bears! We’re your friends! Where ya goin’? Well, I’m almost broke. So I’m gonna go get a job until I find my purpose. Did the check come in from your folks? Yeah. Then you’ve got plenty of money! You should celebrate! You need to do something for you. Buy some beer! Yeah! Buy some beer! Gee, I don’t think I should be spending my parents’ money on beer. Oh. Okay. That makes me sad. Thinking of you not having any fun. I’m gonna cry. Oh, gosh. I’m sad. Some days, I wish I was dead. Well, maybe I could afford a six-pack. Yay! How about a case? A case of beer! No, no. I can’t get a case. But you’re on a budget. You’re wasting money in the long run if you don’t buy in bulk. Oh. Well, thanks guys! I’ll get a case. Yay! See you around, Princeton! See you around, guys! Gosh, they’re awfully cute. It’s good to know I’m making friends that
have my best interests at heart. (phone rings) Hello? Good morning, Katherine. This is your employer calling. Hello, Mrs. Thistletwat! As you may know, I have an appointment
next week for heart replacement surgery. And I’ll need you to teach my class in the morning. I’ll probably need until the lunch break to recover. I get to teach all by myself? I trust you, Katherine. And you may choose the subject. Wow. Thanks, Lavinia. Katherine, when you call me by my first name, the children don’t respect me. Sorry, Mrs. Thistletwat. Thank you. Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I’m gonna teach something relevant. Something modern. The Internet! (“The Internet Is For…”) The Internet is really, really great For porn! I’ve got a fast connection so I don’t have to wait For porn! There’s always some new site For porn! I browse all day and night For porn! It’s like I’m surfing at the speed of light For porn! – Trekkie! The Internet is for porn – Trekkie! The Internet is for porn – What are you doing? Why you think the ‘net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn! Trekkie Monster! Wha-wha? Get down here. Okay, okay. Me coming. Hello, Kate Monster. You are ruining my song. Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to. Well, if you wouldn’t mind, please, being quiet for a minute so I can finish? Okey-dokey. Good. I’m glad we have this new technology For porn. That brings us untold opportunity For porn. Oops, sorry! Right from your own desktop… For p— You can research, browse, and shop… Until you’ve had enough and you’re ready to stop For porn! – Trekkie. The Internet is for porn – No. The Internet is for porn – Trekkie. Me up all night honking me horn To porn, porn, porn! That’s gross! You’re a pervert! Oh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster. No, really, you’re a pervert! Normal people don’t just sit at home and look at porn on the Internet! Oh? What? You have no idea. Ready, normal people? Ready! Ready! Ready! Lemme hear it! The Internet is for porn Sorry, Kate! – What? The Internet is for porn But I masturbate! All these guys unzip their flies for Porn! Porn! Porn! – The Internet is not for porn! Porn! Porn! – Hold on a second! What? Now, I happen to know
for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online. That’s correct. And Brian, you buy
things on Amazon.com. Sure. And Gary, you keep selling
your possessions on eBay. Yes, I do. And Princeton, you sent me
that sweet online birthday card. True. Ah, but Kate… What you think he do after, hmmm? Yeah. Eww! The Internet is for porn – Gross! The Internet is for porn – I hate porn! Grab your dick and double click – Ack! For porn, porn, porn! – I hate men! Porn! – I’m leaving! Porn! – I hate the Internet! The Internet is for, Internet is for, Internet is for porn Yeah! Hey Rod, how it hanging? Christmas Eve, I got your wedding invitation. Are you coming? That’s my RSVP! Oh, good. Hey, honey? What’s all this about us getting married? Think of it like a surprise party. Oh. Cool. I think it’s so wonderful that you
have someone so special in your life. Are you okay, Rod? Christmas Eve, you’re a therapist, right? I have two Master degree! So you help people who have all kinds of problems? Nobody want to come to me for helping. Oh. I meet with people, we talking for an hour, then, they go away and don’t come back. And I wonder why. Am I fixing them in one appointment? Maybe I too efficient. Maybe I should spread my helping out. Why, Rod? Do you need some helping? Well I, uhm, I have this friend… Nicky? No, not Nicky. Another friend. And I think this friend has a very big problem. I think that — well, I think that
my friend might be — gay. What wrong with that? You know, Rod, gay people make major contribution to art and philosophy and literature for many hundreds of years now. But my friend’s not an artist. He’s a Republican. And an investment banker. Eww. Well, tell him to stay in the closet, then. He good for nothing. Okay! Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I wouldn’t want a friend like that. Bye, now. Bye-bye, Christmas Eve. Shit. Princeton. (“Mixtape”) He likes me Well… I think he likes me But does he “like-me” like me Like I like him? Will we be friends, Or something more? I think he’s interested, But I’m not sure (doorbell) Oh, come in! Oh, hi, Kate Monster! Princeton! Hi! Hi. So, I was going through some of my old tapes yesterday, and I kept coming across songs I thought you might like. So I made you this tape. Wow, that’s so sweet! Can I get you a drink? Or a snack? Actually, can I use your bathroom? Oh sure. Thank you! A mixtape He made a mixtape He was thinking of me, Which shows he cares Sometimes, when someone Has a crush on you, They’ll make you a mixtape To give you a clue Let’s see… “You’ve Got a Friend” “The Theme from ‘Friends'” “That’s What Friends Are For” Shit. Oh, but look! “A Whole New World” “Kiss the Girl” “My Cherie Amour” Aww, Princeton. He does like me! “I Am the Walrus” “Fat-Bottomed Girls” “Yellow Submarine” What does this mean? Uh, Kate, you might not wanna
go in there for awhile. Hey, thanks for the tape. I was just looking at Side A. Great songs. Oh, did you get to Side B yet? Oh no, not yet. Check it out. “Stuck On You” “Love Me Do” “My Heart Will Go On” Oh, I loved Titanic! Uh, it was alright. Oh. “She’s Got A Way” “Yesterday” “Goodnight Saigon” From the Russia concert! Great. “Through the Years” “The Theme from ‘Cheers'” “Moving Right Along” Well, nice tape. There’s one more… “I Have to Say ‘I Love You’ in a Song” Princeton, I’ve never gotten
such a nice present from a guy. Well, I’m glad you like it. But I have to go now. I’m gonna make one for Rod
and Brian and Christmas Eve, and Nicky and Trekkie Monster, and Gary, and, well, everyone! Oh, and, uh — What are you doing tonight? Grading term papers. Oh. But it’s kindergarten so they’re very short. Why? Well, everyone’s going to see this singer at the Around-the-Clock Café. Did you — want to go with me? Like, a date? Sure! A date. It’ll be a blast. I’d love to come. Okay well, I’ll see you then. Okay. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. He likes me! Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the comedic stylings of the funniest guy I know — me! (“I’m Not Wearing…”) Oh, I’m not wearing underwear today No, I’m not wearing underwear today Not that you probably care Much about my underwear, Still, nonetheless, I gotta say That I’m not wearing underwear today! Get a job! Thank you, honey. But don’t move a muscle, ladies and gentlemen! We’ll be right back with our headline performer! Say, Trekkie, you never leave your apartment. What made you drag your furry ass out here? Me see pictures of next singer online. There’s an empty table. Let’s grab it. Ladies first. Oh, Princeton. You’re such a gentleman. You, too. I mean, you look like a knockout tonight. You! So, here’s the woman you all came to see. The Around-the-Clock is proud to present — fresh from her world tour, headlining in Bangkok, Amsterdam, and Celebration, Florida. Please give a warm hand to the star of “Girls Gone Wild” parts two, five, and seven — Oh, that one me favorite! Lucy the Slut! Oh my God! I can make you feel special (“Special”) When it sucks to be you Let me make you feel special For an hour or two Your life’s a routine That repeats each day No one cares who you are Or what you say And sometimes, it feels Like you’re nobody But you can feel like Somebody with me Yeah! Wow! Yeah, they’re real. When we’re together, The earth will shake And the stars will fall into the sea So come on, baby, Let down your guard When your date’s in the bathroom, I’ll slip you my card I can tell just by looking That you’ve got it hard For me! For me! For me! For me! For me! For me! I can tell just by looking That you are especially Hard for me! Thank you, gentlemen. And obstacles to those gentlemen. Have a few drinks. And I hope you enjoyed my set. Me want. Not so fast, Trekkie. Oh, but Brian. I know what you’re thinking. And the answer is no. Me got to go home. Right now! Wow, that Lucy sure is something. She’s something. Can I get you a drink, Kate? Oh, I’ll just have a glass of water. I’ve gotta be chipper to teach in the morning. The teacher I’m assisting is going into the hospital. And I get to teach all by myself. And if it goes well, it could mean a big career boost. Hey, guys! We brought you some Long Island Iced Teas! Oh, you’re so adorable! Who are you? We’re your friends! Have a drink, Kate! Oh, no, thank you. Just a little ittle sip! I really shouldn’t. But it’s only a Long Island Iced Tea. They’re so sweet and delicious! Please? Well, I guess one sip can’t hurt. Cheers, Princeton! Cheers to you, Kate Monster! Yay! That’s delicious! Why don’t you play a drinking game? What a neat idea! That is a recipe for fun! I don’t know any drinking games. Do you, Princeton? I know one. It’s called… “I’ll bet I can drink faster than you can!” One – two – three! – But… Go! Yay! It was a tie! Rematch! Gosh, that’s nummy! Another round! Oh, yeah. I’ll get the next round, Princeton. Great! I’ll be right back! But this time, Kate, let’s get larges! Okay! Hey, how’s the date going, huh? Pretty well, I think. Now you listen to me, little man. You’re gonna get her muffin if you just keep working at it! Keep your eye on the prize! Oh wow! Look who’s coming! What’s up? Hi, I’m Princeton. Lucy. Man, am I beat. I still haven’t figured out
where I’m gonna crash tonight. Squeeze her boob! Shh! All I really need is a warm mattress, you know? Mine’s usually pretty cold. Well, it wouldn’t be cold for long. Where’s your pad? Uhh… Princeton, the drinks will be right over! Oh, hello! I’ll have a scotch on the rocks. I’m not a waitress. Lucy, I’d like to introduce you to Kate Monster. Oh, you’re dating a Monster. I dated a Monster once. But I got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth. Well, if your teeth are the problem,
I could knock out a couple. It was nice to meet you, Lucy. Have fun with your Monster. But when you’re ready for a real woman, you know where to find me. Bye. Sorry about that, Kate. No, I understand. You’re irresistible, is all. She just knows she can’t compare to you. Oh, Princeton, I think you’re wonderful. Take her home. She’s wasted. Shh! Will you guys cut it out? Kate? Hmm? I think you look really beautiful tonight. Oh, Princeton. You look so good I could eat you alive. More drinks! More fun! Yay! Yeah. Hold on a second. You can’t put your finger there! Ohh! Put your finger there! Oh yeah! Right there! Right there! No, a little lower. Now to the left. No, my left. Oh sorry. Oh yeah! Ohh! You can be as loud as the hell you want (“You Can Be As Loud…”) When you’re making love You can be as loud as the hell you want When you’re making love You can be as loud as the hell you want When you’re making love You can be as loud as the hell you want Ahh! (phone rings) Oh yeah! Gary Coleman. You hear what? Hell no, I won’t tell them to quiet down! Are we being too loud? Yeah, are we bothering somebody? No, not at all, kids. You keep doin’ what you doin’. Okay. Yeah! You’re not allowed to be loud at the library, At the art museum or at a play But when you and your partner are doin’ the nasty Don’t behave like you’re At the ballet! Loud, loud, loud! ‘Coz you can be as loud as the hell you want When you’re making love You can be as loud as the hell you want When you’re making love Don’t let the neighbors Stop you from havin’ fun, They’ll have peace and quiet When you’re good and done Be as loud as the hell you want When you’re making love Loud as the hell you want Faster, Princeton! Brian, slow down! This not a race! Loud as the hell you want Oh, yeah! Who’s your daddy? What? Brian! Loud as the hell you want! Loud as the hell you want! Smack it and lick it And rub it and suck it! Loud as the hell you want! Yes! Work your mama! Loud as the hell you— Loud as the hell you— Loud as the hell you— Loud as the hell you— Loud as the hell you— Loud as the hell you want! Uhhh… Come… …mitment. Come… …mitment. Come… …MITMENT! Commitment. It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, are you awake? Is that a unicorn? Oh no, he’s talking in his sleep again. I love you, Rod. What did you just say? I love your little laugh. Nicky, are you awake? Take off your shirt. Oh, Nicholas. Have we been hiding from each other all this time? I wonder. (“Fantasies Come True”) All those nights I lay in bed, Thoughts of you running through my head… Who put my earmuffs on the cookie? But I never thought the things in my head Could really happen in my bed You look like Benedict Cumberbatch. All those years I missed the signs, Couldn’t read between the lines Who’d have thought I would see the day Where I’d hear you say What I heard you say? And now, I find What was always in my mind Was in your mind, too. Who knew? Fantasies come true! And now, I see That what I’ve always dreamed of Was meant to be You and me, me and you Fantasies come true! Nicky! Catch me! Whoooo! Spin me, Nicky! Just like that! I know, I know! Catch me! Catch me! Okay, Rod. “I’ve had the time of my life…” You and me lived in fantasy, But soon, we’ll be a reality Wow. That was amazing, Kate. You’re amazing. I want you to have something. It’s a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It’s from the year I was born. See? Who knows? Maybe it’ll bring you good luck. It did for me. I found you. I want you to know The time that we’ve spent, How great it’s been, How much it’s meant Gosh, I don’t know what to say I’m really glad you feel that way ‘Coz I’m afraid that I like you more Than I’ve ever liked any guy before ‘Coz, now, ‘Coz, now, My love, My love, I’m getting what I’ve always been dreaming of So are you! Oh, baby… Fantasies come true! And now, And now, I swear I swear That when you want me, I’m gonna be right there To care for you That’s what I’m gonna do And make your fantasies come true Fantasies come true… Psst! It’s okay, Rod. You were talking in your sleep, again. I thought you were talking in your sleep! No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all. Oh. It sounded like a nice dream, though. Yes, it was a nice dream. Good night. Good night, Nicky. (phone rings) Hello? Good afternoon, Katherine. You may recall you were supposed to teach my class in the morning — while I got my heart replaced! Oh my God! You left the children unattended for three hours! They’ve gone and started their own tribal society. They almost sacrificed poor little Brittany! Where were you?! I’m so sorry. I overslept. And then I got so tired— I should have never hired a Monster! What? Your race is notoriously lazy. Well, better a Monster
than a crabby old bitch! Crabby old bitches are
the bedrock of this nation! I regret the day I hired you! Well, that’s fine, because I quit! No, I’m firing you! Well, you can’t fire me, because I quit! You’re going to hell, Katherine! Well, I’ll see ya there! Was I too mean? Good for you. I hated working for her. I’d get by on my savings and temp for a little bit, and pursue what I really want. Your school! Yeah. I think you’re really brave, Kate. You do? Yeah. Hey, are you going to Brian
and Christmas Eve’s wedding? Of course. Well, I was wondering maybe you wanna go, you know, together. It always seems like I’m
going to weddings by myself. I don’t know what I’d do if I went with a… A… A boyfriend? Yeah. Then, come with me. Kate, are you okay? Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just sometimes I get fur in my eye. Did you get the camera? Camera? The one that I left on the bed! It was on the bed! – Sorry, Rod. I forgot! – Goddammit! – I’m sorry! I think you look really beautiful, Kate. Thank you. And by the power vested in
me as a former child celebrity, I now pronounce you man and wife. L’chaim! Mazel tov! That was beautiful, wasn’t it, Rod? They’re so lucky to have each other. Oh, gee. Are you upset, Rod? Nicky, please, I just need a moment by myself. No, buddy, talk to me. What’s the matter? Hey, what’s up with Rod? Yeah, he’s sure lookin’
down in the dumps lately. He lonely. He need a girlfriend. A girlfriend? Rod? Are you kidding? He not so ugly. I always figured Rod was one of those gays. Rod is gay? Hey, you know what? I’ll bet Nicky would know. Hey, let’s ask him. Hey, Nicky, come over here. – Oh, sure, guys. We wondering if Rod is a gay. Well, it’s funny you ask. Because, you see, I do think Rod is gay. I always have. But I figured if he wanted to tell me, he would. So yes, definitely. I would say that my buddy
Rod is a closeted homosexual. Nicky! How could you say such a thing about me? Oh, hi, Rod. Hi, dickhead! No, no. All I said was, “Yes, definitely. I would say that my buddy Rod has an undescended testicle.” No, I heard you! Gee, I’m sorry, Rod. Nicky, I am not a closeted
homo-whateveryoucallit! In fact, I have a whole life
that none of you know about! Not even you, Nicky! You do, Rod? Oh, sure I do! For example, I… I… Ohh… (“My Girlfriend”) I wish you could meet my girlfriend My girlfriend who lives in Canada She couldn’t be sweeter, I wish you could meet her, My girlfriend who lives in Canada Her name is Alberta She lives in Vancouver She cooks like my mother And sucks like a hoover I e-mail her every single day, Just to make sure that everything’s okay It’s a pity she lives so far away, In Canada Last week, she was here, But she had the flu Too bad ‘Coz I wanted to introduce her to you It’s so sad There wasn’t a thing that she could do But stay in bed, With her legs up over her head Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend, But you can’t, Because she is in Canada I love her, I miss her, I can’t wait to kiss her, So, soon I’ll be off to Alberta! I mean — Vancouver! Shit. Her name is Alberta, She lives in Vancou— She’s my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend! Who lives in Canada! And I can’t wait to eat her pussy again! My goodness, would you look at the time. I really do need to get goin’. Yessir. Maybe we go to buffet. Yeah, I’m starving. Should I have said
“grab her by the pussy” instead? Rod, all I meant was — I’d still be your buddy even if you were gay. Nicky. I want you out of our
apartment by the time I get back. You’re kicking me out? Go and live in a garbage can for all I care! Oh gee. I’d better see if I can patch things up with Rod. I didn’t make him mad on purpose. Purpose? I throw bouquet in few minute, Kate Monster. I have eye on good husband for you! Christmas Eve! Maybe I throw bouquet to you on purpose! Okay! Purpose? Oh, Princeton, I have so much fun with you. Me, too. What are you doing tomorrow? Gosh, it seems like I’m forgetting something. Oh, she’s about to throw the bouquet. I’ll be right back. Oh, okay. Purpose. Purpose? Princeton! I caught the bouquet! Well, some little girl caught it, but she wasn’t very strong. Yeah. Are you all right? Kate, can I talk to you about something? You can tell me anything. Okay. When I moved to Avenue Q, I was looking for my purpose. I remember. And we’ve been spending so much time together that I think I’ve lost track of finding it. Oh. I don’t want to be an old man and
realize I never found my purpose in life. So… hmm. Yeah. So, you’re saying you don’t want to spend time with me? No! I love spending time with you. Oh good, ‘coz I thought that you meant— I just don’t want a girlfriend until
I figure out my mission in life. But you… Kate, if we stay together now, we’ll never even be friends in the end. Well, I’m not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends. But don’t you like me? Well, yes. I do. And that’s why I think you should get out of here. You mean I should leave? Unless you have another definition for “get out of here”. (“There’s A Fine, Fine Line”) There’s a fine, fine line Between a lover and a friend And there’s a fine, fine line Between reality and pretend And you never know ’til you reach the top If it was worth the uphill climb But there’s a fine, fine line Between love, And a waste of your time There’s a fine, fine line Between a fairy tale and a lie And there’s a fine, fine line Between “you’re wonderful” and “goodbye” I guess if someone doesn’t love you back, It isn’t such a crime But there’s a fine, fine line Between love, And a waste of your time And I don’t have the time to waste on you anymore I don’t think that you even know what you’re looking for For my own sanity, I’ve got to close the door And walk away Oh There’s a fine, fine line Between together and not And there’s a fine, fine line Between what you wanted, And what you got You’ve got to go after the things you want While you’re still in your prime But there’s a fine, fine line Between love, And a waste of your time! It sucks to be me It sucks to be me It sucks to be single, unemployed, And turning — Oh God, I’m old. 23. It sucks to be me Hey, Princeton! We’re here to cheer you up! Oh, no! Gosh, you look so blue! How about a little smile? I think I see a smile. I think I see a little smile? Aww, come on, Princeton! Sorry guys, that’s not going to work. Judge Judy’s your friend. Yeah, watch Judge Judy when you feel all sad and alone. It’s not working. Well, you could always… Hang yourself! Yeah! We found this rope! I’m not going to hang myself! Awww. Would you guys just go away? Gosh, he’s Snappy-the-turtle today. Well, we’ll leave the rope just in case. (cackling) I hope he does it! Princeton. Yeah? Listen, buddy, no one’s seen you for two weeks. What’s up with that? I got a job at a temp agency, but they fired me for being
too depressing on the phone. I maxed out my cards. I’m two months behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. And, oh Brian, I still haven’t found my purpose. Wanna hear a joke? Sure. So, there’s an octopus in line at the grocery store, and in his cart is a can of soup, a vibrator, and a redhead with gigantic tits. Yeah? I still haven’t come up with the punchline. Got any ideas? Man, what you need
is a change in perspective. C’mon, let’s go mess around the city. No, thanks. I’m staying in. I said come on, Princeton. Get off your ass and take a look around. There is life outside your apartment (“There Is Life Outside…”) I know it’s hard to conceive, But there’s life outside your apartment, And you’re only gonna see it if you leave There is cool shit to do, But it can’t come to you And who knows, dude, You might even score There is life outside your apartment, But you’ve got to open the door! There is life outside… There is life outside… There is life outside… There is life outside your apartment There’s a pigeon squashed on the street Eww. There’s a girl passing by No, I think that’s a guy And a homeless man who only wants To buy something to eat Sorry! Can’t help you! We could go to the zoo, Pick up girls from NYU We could sit in the park smoking pot Or not. There is life outside your apartment Well, I guess I’ll give it a shot! (gunshots) What the fuck! There is life outside your apartment I know— Shit! There is life outside your apartment (gasps) I’m gonna jump! Don’t do it! Okay. There is cool shit to do But it can’t come to you So come on— Get out of the way, asshole! Fuck you! There is life outside your apartment Oh, you’ll never know what’s around the bend You could win the lotto or make a friend… Oh, yeah! It’s Lucy the Slut! Take her home to see your apartment Do you wanna feel special? – Special! I can see that you do – Ooh-wah! Well, I can make you feel special – Special! If you let me feel you – She’ll feel you! Where’s your pad? Not too far We could call you a car We’ll be fine, thank you! See ya! Hope you don’t get gonorrhea! There is life outside your apartment But now it’s time to go home There is life outside your apartment It’s time to go home There is life outside your apartment It’s time to go home There is life outside your apartment But now it’s time to go home For porn! Oh, hi Kate. Good evening. I haven’t seen you around. Mm-hmm. You gonna show me upstairs? Yeah, in a second, Lucy. Sure, baby. Just don’t let my motor idle too long. She a friend of yours? Uh, yeah. Is her name “Purpose”? Kate, I gotta go. Have fun. What the matter, Kate Monster? It’s Princeton. He’s with that Lucy. Oh, that evil girl? She skanky. But that not make Princeton bad person, Kate Monster. I don’t know anymore. But you still feeling for him, don’t you? I do still feeling for him. Sometimes, person need time for learning. People always learning, all through their life. Look at Momma Bird. She push baby out of nest and that’s it. If Baby Bird fly, good for baby. If Baby Bird fall and crack head on ground and get eaten by cat, then it need to do better next time. But why can’t people just get along and love each other, Christmas Eve? You think getting along same as ruving? Sometimes, ruv right where you hate most, Kate Monster. Huh? The more you ruv someone, (“The More You…”) The more you want to kill ’em The more you ruv someone, The more he make you cry Though you are try for making peace with them And ruving, That’s why you ruv so strong, You like to make him die! The more you ruv someone, The more he make you crazy The more you ruv someone, The more you wishing him dead! Sometimes, you look at him And only see fat and razy And wanting baseball bat For hitting him on his head! Ruv… Love… And hate… And hate… They like two brothers… Brothers… Who go on a date Who… What? Where one of them goes, Other one forrows You inviting ruv He also blinging sollows Ah, yes. The more you ruv someone, The more you want to kill ’em Killing and ruving Fit like hand in glove So, if there someone You are wanting so to kill ’em, You go and find him, And you get him, And you no kill him, ‘Coz chances good – He is my love – He is your ruv Dear Princeton, It was good to see you the other day. Look, I’m sorry about what happened. And I’d love to do ‘friend’ things with you. I’m going to visit the viewing platform at the Empire State Building at midnight tonight. Would you like to meet me there? If not, please call and let me know. Otherwise, I’ll see you there! Yours, Kate Monster. Five nightstands. One nightstand. One-night-stand. (knocking) Yeah? Oh. It’s you. Are you the cleaning lady? I will not rise to your bait. Where’s Princeton? He’s hosing off in the shower. You need something? Well, I just wanted to leave him this note, is all. Awww, man, I’m beat. That kid kept me busy all night. Say baby, you mind checking to see if there are any scratch marks on my back? Oh, yes, I see them. It looks like they say, “help me”. Bitch! Hey kid, you almost done in there? Yeah! I’m just drying off! He doesn’t need to be messing around with some Monster. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, Brian. What with Rod kicking me out, and I just wanted to say thank you for letting me stay with you and your lovely bride. Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Brian, you tell him to go! Honey, give me a minute. I no do your housework! I no cook for you and clean for you and pick up all your messing! One lazy fat-ass plenty for this lady! This morning, I take a shower and I pick up soap! And I say, “Who putting all little green pubic hair on soap?” They no belong to me. They no belong to Brian. Who then could it be? I about to puking! The welcome wagon go away! It gone! Goodbye, motherfucker! Sorry, buddy. But I don’t know where to go. You could stay with Princeton, or Kate. Yeah, I tried that already, Brian and they kicked me out, too. Yeah, it figures. There’s gotta be someone
who can help you out, buddy. Sorry. Oh. Well, good evening there, Gary. Hey, Nicky. Uh, Gary, listen, so, I need a place to stay. And I was wondering if
I could sleep on your floor until I patch things up with Rod. I see. How do I put this? No. No? Well, if you don’t take me in,
then where will I go? What about the street? You mean I should be homeless? Sure! But, Gary, that’s a terrible way to live! Look, kid, I know from living in the dumps. But think about the bright side. Think of all the joy you’ll bring to others when they find out just how miserable you are. What? (“Schadenfreude”) Right now, you are down and out And feeling really crappy I’ll say. But when I see how sad you are, It sort of makes me… happy! Happy?! Sorry, Nicky, human nature — Nothing I can do It’s… Schadenfreude! Making me feel glad that I’m not you! Well that’s not very nice, Gary! I never said it was nice. But everybody does it. D’ya ever clap when a waitress falls And drops a tray of glasses? Yeah. And it ain’t it fun to watch figure skaters Falling on their asses? Sure! Don’tcha feel all warm and cozy, Watching people out in the rain? You bet! That’s… Schadenfreude! People taking pleasure in your pain Schadenfreude, huh? What’s that? Some kind of Nazi word? Yup! It’s German for “happiness at the misfortune of others”. “Happiness at the misfortune of others”. That is German! Watching a vegetarian Being told she just ate chicken Or watching a frat boy realize Just what he stuck his dick in Being on an elevator When somebody shouts, “Hold the door!” No! Schadenfreude! Fuck you, lady, that’s what stairs are for! Oooh, how about… Straight-A students getting Bs? Exes getting STDs! Waking doormen from their naps! Watching tourists reading maps! Football players getting tackled! CEOs getting shackled! Watching actors never reach The ending of their Oscar speech! Schadenfreude! Yeah! Schadenfreude! Woo-hoo! Schadenfreude! Schadenfreude! The world needs people like you and me Who’ve been knocked around by fate ‘Coz when people see us, They don’t want to be us, And that makes them feel great! We provide a vital service to society You and me Schadenfreude Making the world a better place Making the world a better place Making the world a better place To be! Bye! S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E! All those people look like ants down there. And their hearts look about as small as the ones inside the men I’ve dated. Princeton gave me this penny once. He said it was a symbol
of his hopes and dreams. And he didn’t call like I asked him to, and I don’t see him anywhere, and pretty soon, he’ll be an hour late. If he comes at all. Lucy! Where’d you go this morning? I’ve been looking all over for you. Oh, man. Why do I always get the clingy guys? Clingy? You left without even saying goodbye! Listen, kid, sorry to be honest, but look at me. I can have my pick of the litter. If I want a relationship,
I’ll find a guy with a good job, who has a future and a ton of money. And not just some well-hung, baby-faced kid who leeches from his parents
and can’t get his act together. I think I heard a compliment in there somewhere. So, this is what it feels
like to be stood up. I’m gonna get rid of this stupid penny. And I’ll make a wish. I hope — more than anything, I hope I find someone I love. Someone who loves me back. Hi-yaahh! Somehow I don’t feel any better. But Lucy, I’m only looking for my purpose! My big break! My big revelation! You know the only revelation
people have in life, kiddo? They’re not special. You’re not special. You’re no luckier or more gifted than anyone else. You don’t think so? No. Oh. Now whenever I pass by this place, I’ll think about what you said. What’s so special about this place? You mean here, on 34th and 5th, right next to the Empire State Building? Lucy? Lucy? Can you hear me? Princeton. I heard your friend had an accident. Is she okay? Her head fell off in the ambulance. The doctors spent all night sewing it back on, but the prognosis is good. Well, what happened? Some idiot threw a penny
off the Empire State Building! Shit. Kate, what are you doing here? Why didn’t you at least just call me or—? What? I said in my note… What note? The note I left with… I feel better now. How are you, Kate? Honestly? Of course. I’m working at Deseret Book. I miss my students. I work all day and I’m poorer than ever. What about your school? Some people’s dreams come true. But I just don’t think
I’m one of those people. Don’t say that. That’s how life is, Princeton. They don’t tell you that when you’re a kid. ‘Coz then you’d never dream
or want to grow up. But you can’t stop growing up. I’m late for work. Kate. I’m sorry you’re not happy. And I’m sorry I don’t have my life together. And I don’t know when
that’s gonna happen, but… I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings. Because I think you’re really special. Sorry that wasn’t more articulate. No, you were perfectly articulate. I really have to go. Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Oh, Rod! Hi! Rod! Is that the wind I hear, rustling in the branches? No, Rod! It’s me Nicky! Hey, listen, Rod, From now on, I promise to believe
anything you say about yourself. Okay? And also, I wanted to apologize for being such a messy roommate. Now that I have a place of my own, that dumpster over there, I can appreciate how hard it is to keep things nice. Rod? Can you hear me, buddy? Oh well. Help the homeless! Help the goddamn homeless! You okay, Rod? Christmas Eve, may I consult with you briefly? Sure. What your problem today? It’s tiny, really. Oh, I know. But you have big personality. It’s cold in here. Oh… I don’t think so. Go on. Well, I look at all my friends who are married, and I look at you and Brian. I wonder. Why don’t I have someone in my life? Someone who makes me feel special and safe? Someone who loves me. The same way that I love them? Rod. You special. Rod, you safe. I miss Nicky. I know you do. (“I Wish…”) I wish I could go back to college Life was so simple back then What would I give to go back and live In a dorm with a meal plan again I wish I could go back to college In college, you know who you are You sit in the quad And think, “Oh my God! I am totally gonna go far!” How do I go back to college? I don’t know who I am anymore! I wanna go back to my room and find A message in dry-erase pen on the door I wish I could just drop a class Or get into a play Or change my major Or fuck my T.A. I need an academic advisor to point the way We could be… Sitting in the computer lab, 4 AM before the final paper is due, Cursing the world ‘coz I didn’t start sooner, And seeing the rest of the class there, too I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college? Ahh… I wish I had taken more pictures… But if I were to go back to college, Think what a loser I’d be I’d walk through the quad, and think, “Oh my God…” “These kids are so much younger than me.” Help the homeless! Help the homeless! Hey, Princeton! Hi, Nicky. You look all down in the dumps. Yeah, you can say that. Yeah, I get that. I’m down in the dumps, too. Living there, in fact. Say, could you do something for me, buddy? What? Give me a quarter. Not right now, Nicky. Aww, come on, Princeton. You know you want to. I just want to be left alone right now, okay? Oh, you know what? You need to stop thinking about yourself for once. And start thinking about helping somebody else. Like me. Give me a quarter. (“The Money Song”) Here in my hat Come on, Princeton It’s as easy as that Helping others brings you closer to God, So give me a quarter… I don’t have any change. Hmm, okay. Give me a dollar That’s not what I meant! Give me a five Are you kidding? The more you give, The more you get That’s being alive! All I’m asking you is To do what Jesus Christ would do He’d give me a quarter Why don’t you? Okay, okay, here you go. Thanks! Take care. Okay. Whoa! What’s the matter? I feel generous! I feel compassionate! You do? Yeah. I feel like a new person! A good person! Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Princeton. All this time, I’ve been running around thinking about me, me, me. And where has it gotten me? I’m gonna do something for someone else! Me? No. Kate! I’m going to raise the money to build that stupid Monster school she’s always talking about. That’s a great idea, Princeton. Give me your money What?! I need it for Kate But I need it to eat! Come on, Nicky Oh, get lost! It’ll make you feel great Yeah, so would a burger! When her dreams come true, It’ll all be partly thanks to you So give me your money I’d like to but I can’t! Give me your money I’d like to but I need it! Give me your money I’d like to but I’m homeless! I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless! I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless! I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless! I can’t— Okay, here ya go. Thank you. (gasps) Suddenly, I am feeling closer to God It’s time to stop begging It’s time to start giving What can I give to Rod? Something he’ll like so much, he’ll take me back Oh, I know! I’ll find him a boyfriend! That’s the spirit! Rod loves boyfriends! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself Yeah! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself Hey boys, what’s the hat for? Oh, we’re collecting money! It’s for Kate. We’re raising money to build her dream school! Give us your money You’ll be glad that you did! That’s just what my parents told me When I was a kid Shit. But giving feels so great And I bet it wouldn’t hurt your chances with Kate Yeah that, too. I’ll give you a dollar You’re a gentleman and a scholar We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash! Honey, don’t tell them that! We get about 2,000 bucks! Uh, yeah, so — Thanks, everybody! We rich! Give us your money! Give us your money! Give us your goddamn money! Give us the dough! Give us the dough! We’re raising money For a Monster school But we’ve got a-ways to go Sounds like you’ve got money to burn And it’s not like money That you had to earn So give us your money A Monster school? Sounds like a good cause Give me your wallet. Wow, guys. Kate’s gonna be so grateful. That kind of money is such a great start. Yeah. 15 dollars. Yeah— 15 dollars? Every little bit help. Well, looks like we’re gonna have to ask more people! Hey! Give us your money! All that you’ve got! Just fork it on over Or the puppets will get shot! It’s time to pass the hat And there’s nothing you can do about that So give us your money! Give us your money! Give us your money! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself Every time you do good deeds, You’re also serving your own needs When you help others, You’re really helping yourself When you give to a worthy cause, You’ll feel as jolly as Santa Claus When you help others, You can’t help Helping yourself How much did we get? Well, other than this Temple Recommend, which I’m keeping, we have — oh, it’s not very much, is it? Condom? Anal bead? These people a bunch of cheapskates! Never say never, Princeton. There is still one more
person we have to hit up. No, no, no! Go away. Me busy. But it for good cause! Yeah, come on, Trekkie. Oh yeah? What in it for me? Hmm? Go away! I guess Kate’ll never get
her school for Monsters. What you say? Kate wants to open up a school for Monsters. School for Monsters? Me never hear of that! School for Monsters School for lonely little Monsters When me little Going to school, Other children Think me not cool Poking and pulling at me fur Now, me have therapist And work on this with her But me no need me therapy If Monster school a reality! Me be right back. Me giving you ten million dollars! Trekkie! Where did you get all that money? In volatile market, only stable investment — is porn! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself Yeah! When you help others, You can’t help helping yourself Every time you do good deeds, You’re also serving your own needs When you help others, You can’t help Helping yourself! It’s your school, Kate. And here is a check with enough
money to renovate the building. And you can hire teacher, and cafeteria lady, and make a real working school for Monster. We all raise the money. All that money for me? Well, most of it came from a donor who wishes to remain anonymous. Let’s just say, I chipped in, too. Wow! I don’t know what to say! Just say thanks. Thank you! Thank you, guys! The entire Monster community thanks all of you! Listen, now that everyone’s gathered here, Christmas Eve and I have an announcement to make. We getting divorced. I only kidding! But we leaving Avenue Q. What? We married now. It time to move on. So we move to nicer neighborhood, to Magna (Utah). But you guys can’t leave! Aw, come on, guys. We’ll still keep in touch. And, besides, there’s another
reason why we’re leaving. I am starting a new career. Yes! Good job, Brian. I’m a consultant! I not know what that is but I so proud of him. And I have news, too. I finally get a regular client! I a paid therapist! Who’s your client? Oh, I not allowed to say. But we meeting seven times a week at 250 an hour. He need a lot of help. But we work through his issues, and he come out other side as integrated person. I bet I know who it is. He much better now. You mean Rod? I not allowed to say. Say, where is he, anyway? Let’s get him out here. (gunshot) – Rod! Goddammit! Gang warfare! Champagne for everybody! I’ve got some news! Rod, you okay! And you’re okay, too. Listen, everyone, I’ve confronted my fears and won. So there are a few things I’d like to say. Number one. I’m sorry for being so hotheaded and difficult. It was only because — well, this is number two. Hold your applause, everyone. I, Rod, am gay! Surprise! Oh, yeah so surprised. You’re surprised. No— yeah. Yay! Okay! And number three… Nicky, I’m sorry. You’re my best friend. Will you move back in with me? If it makes you happy— It would! Okay! Hooray! Rod, guess what I did. What? So, I posted a personal ad online with your picture on it. You did WHAT? And I found someone very special. No, no, Nicky, I can’t! I’m leaving! Rod. Breathe, breathe. Okay, sing me my happy song! Sing me my happy song! Sing me my happy song! Smelly cat, smelly cat… Rod, hey. There’s somebody I’d like you to meet, okay? Hey, Ricky! Oh. Oh hey, Rod, buddy. It sure is nice to meet you! I think I know your type. Oh, sweet suffering Jesus! Nicky? and Ricky? My cup runneth over! Let’s go. Where are we going? Don’t worry about it! Okay. Here take this. Oh thanks, Brian. You’ll need it. Everybody’s dreams are coming true, and then there’s Gary Coleman. Come on, Gary. Yeah. You’ve still got us. Well, if you two are leaving, I better go put that damn “For Rent” sign back up. The Monsterssori School. I don’t even know where to start. Do you know who get idea and collect all the money and buy building for you? Was it you? No. It Princeton. Princeton? For me? You said you couldn’t make your dreams come true by yourself, so I shot for the stars. You’ve gotta go after the things you want While you’re still in your prime There’s a fine, fine line Between love… Thank you, Princeton. So will you take me back, Kate? I don’t know. I’m gonna be so busy. With all of the contractors and inspections and hiring teachers and picking out textbooks… Well, I could help you. Can we take it one day at a time? Sure. What do you do With a B.A. in English? Oh, look! A “For Rent” sign! Oh my God! You’re Gary Coleman! Yes, I am! Say, could you help me find the super? I am the super. You’re Gary Coleman and you’re the super? You laughing at me, kid? No, no, no! That’s okay. It’s why I’m here. I was wondering if you could help me with that apartment for rent. Yes. Wait a minute, that’s it! – What? My purpose! Look at this kid, all new and fresh-faced and not knowing anything. He has no idea what he’s in for. He thinks the hard part’s over. But it’s not! And maybe he needs a little help. And maybe my purpose is
to take everything I’m learning And put it — put it in a show! Are you high? Yeah! And I’m not just some dumb
kid who doesn’t know anything! Fuck you, you prick! Why does everything have to be so hard? (“For Now”) Maybe you’ll never find your purpose. Lots of people don’t. But then, I don’t even know why I’m alive. Who does, really? Come on. Everyone’s a little bit unsatisfied Everyone goes ’round a little empty inside Take a breath Look around Swallow your pride For now For now Nothing lasts Life goes on Full of surprises You’ll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes You’re going to have to make a few compromises For now For now But only for now (For now) Only for now (For now) Only for now (For now) Only for now Hey, everybody! Sorry I’m late. I had to beat it back from my
baptism to make it by the final number. Lucy? Is that you? A whole new me! I’ve been saved by the Lord! And He’s given me back my chastity, so I’m a virgin again! And we’ve reformed our ways, too. We found Scientology! Yay! For now, we’re healthy For now, we’re employed For now, we’re happy If not overjoyed And we’ll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now – For now – For now – For now But only for now (For now) Only for now (For now) Only for now (For now) Only for now Only for now – For now, there’s life! Only for now – For now, there’s love! Only for now – For now, there’s work! For now, there’s happiness! But only for now – For now, discomfort! Only for now – For now, there’s friendship! Only for now (For now) Only for now Only for now Sex! Is only for now Your hair! Is only for now Trump! Is only for now Don’t stress Relax Let life roll off your backs Except for death and paying taxes, Everything in life is only for now – Each time you smile, Only for now – It’ll only last a while Only for now – Life may be scary Only for now – But it’s only temporary Everything in life Is only for now.

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