@Benito Skinner S**t Himself and Someone Passed Out – I S**t You Not


– Hi, my name is Benito Skinner and this is the time I shit
myself and someone passed out. I was a sophomore in college. Going to school in D.C. I was going home for Christmas. My parents live in Idaho. You essentially have to
take like 12 flights, a bus and a train. It’s easier to go to Paris
from D.C. then to go to Idaho. My flight is at 7:00am. My aunt lived in Baltimore. She was like, okay, honey, come
to mine before you fly home. I’ll take you to the airport, I’ll cook you dinner
the night before. Bitch, yes, let’s do this. The next morning, I wake
up and it’s so early but I assume once you
pass the age of 50, adults wake up at like 4:00am. They all, like, snort
Adderall or something ’cause like my aunt’s
like, oh my God, I’m gonna make you
my special mocha. In my head, I’m
like, oh my God, yes. Like, bitch, work. I love sugar. Whatever milkshake she was
making for me, I was down. And I haven’t eaten anything. I walk into the kitchen
and she is a full barista. I think she put, like,
Ghirardelli powder, three espresso shots and then
like the milk is foaming. She puts it in a massive mug. I just inhaled that shit,
like I chugged that shit. We go to the airport. I am sugared, I am
caffeinated, like she’s ready. I’m flying an airline
that will remain nameless, but let’s just say
they’re essentially just like a Go Bus in the sky. She’s a frugal queen. Like they gave a
Greyhound bus wings and they just flew her up there. I get on this flight. There’s an unwritten rule that
if you’re in the middle seat, you get the arm rests. It’s a Game of Thrones. You are like (grunts). The people next to me
weren’t feeling that. It’s about an hour
into this flight. This special mocha had
started to warm up. I felt like an all-consuming
fart create itself. I was about to burst. I looked to my right,
I look to my left. Both the people next
to me are sleeping. I’m about to fart. Like, that’s on them. So I do what is known
as like a pivot fart. You stick one ass
cheek to something as
like your pivot foot and then you kind of like lift so your ass cheeks
separate and your butt hole can like whisper out a fart. That’s actually
scientifically what a fart is. So this is like a super
chill fart, not awful. There’s just like this really
human moment that happened, maybe when you’re
like falling in love or when you think it’s a fart
and then you realize, like, oh, this isn’t a fart. Certainly not a whisper,
it was a full ass chorus. I just immediately,
like, (tight inhale). The tightest butt hole ever. Like I sewn my butt hole shut. Bitch, we are not shitting
ourself on this flight. I have another
flight after this. I sprint to the bathroom. There is one bathroom. I’m like– My knees are at the door. The sink’s like at my chin. My arm is on the toilet paper. (groans) This was one of those instances where you like take
the cap off a grenade. The second I pulled
my shorts down, it was just like
(explosion), Niagara Falls. I was, all of me came out. Every fluid, every memory,
every childhood trauma, it’s on that flight still. It was the most traumatic
shit in my life. This sinister mocha
had destroyed me. I had to at least see, like,
what my insides looked like. Okay, this is an
absolute war zone. I just, like,
elbowed that flush. I Harrison Ford Air
Force One’d that. Like I was just, like,
fucking not on this flight. I have no idea how long
I’ve been in the bathroom when I start hearing
pounding on the door and I’m like, occupied. They keep pounding. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Like, open up! Even if you really have
to go to the bathroom, you do not want
to come into this absolute Chamber of Secrets
that I have decimated. I’m like, okay, yes. When you’ve had
a shit like that, your ass is like soaked. The wiping process
is dehumanizing. I have to do an exorcism
on my hands right now. Okay, fuck. And during this, it’s
like, boom, boom, boom. Like, open up! Okay, whoever the fuck
has been doing this to me, I’m ready to, like, fully see
what the devil looks like. I swing open the door. (sighs) The entire airplane
is looking at me, every single passenger. Did they hear all of that? Did they just hear my
special mocha remix? I look down and it’s a full
crime scene in front of me. There’s a woman passed out. There’s a few flight attendants. They’re like, we ran out of
water and we need the sink! There’s always
someone on the flight who says they’re a doctor, but
they’re not a fucking doctor. So this guy is like, I
just think she needs water. I don’t know medically what
that would’ve done for her other than, like,
wake up, bitch! Oh my God. The whole flight
is looking at me as if, like, I’m gonna
hijack this plane. I tiptoe around
the woman’s body. Like one of those kids’
spy movies with the lasers. She was fine, by the way. She just passed out. I look back and they’re
dragging this poor woman into the bathroom and I
just know in my heart– (sighs) You’re gonna have some
smelling salts, honey, ’cause daddy did some
fucking work in here. So I sit back down in my seat
like a delicate little flower. I’m completely shamed
by everyone on the
flight, but yeah, that was the time I joined
the wrong mile high club. This is Benito Skinner
and I Shit You Not. (upbeat music)

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