VONIKKEN: Ah class, welcome back to Cosmic
Significance 2012. The Unification of Humanity was at hand, but no one could agree what it
was! SOUND: WIND, EXPLOSIONS. OBJECTS FLYING AROUND.
VONIKKEN: So, down to business! Marvie is having a psychic storm in the HAARP weather
control center. See her floating in the air, eyes white with rage as computer panels, chairs
and papers spiral in a whirlwind. Ozona, Stormy and Liza are all hanging on to keep from blowing
away! But look, here comes Smythe with his Zappy Gun and ñ
MARVIE: Donít point that thing at me! SOUND: ZAP!
MARVIE:No! My head ohhhÖ (fade out)
SOUND: WIND DIES. THINGS CRASH TO FLOOR. LIZA: You shot Marvie!
SMYTHE: And you too, fish girl! SOUND: ZAPPY GUN SOUND. BODY CRUMPLES TO FLOOR.
LIZA: Oh my head too! UNGH! STORMY: Theyíre both out cold, Smythe. But
the HAARP array has been destroyed and now hurricane Charles is headed for Jersey!
SMYTHE:Never mind that, dear girl. Ozona, channel Oujet and get orders.
OZONA/OUJET:What do you sseek?
SMYTHE: Oh most slithery one, tell us what to do!
OUJET/OZONA: Execute order Ssixty Sseven. We sshall ssing them to ssleep. To nightmaresss!
STORMY: Sixty seven? But Mummy, I donít want to be a-
OZONA: Silence daughter! It is your destiny!Now, Oujet will keep Marvie in a
coma while we get on the next saucer to Saturn. But leave Tuna-girl behind.
STORMY: Yes mummy. SOUND: HOPI HOMEWORLD SOUNDS
VONIKKEN: Danteís alien baby was just a dream. In fact, the child emerged from the
pappoo while he slept, and in the morning he found her suckling from his hairy breast,
safe at the Hopi moon Callisto, home to floating vegetable-shaped cities with watery glass
petals. Dante was fine – except the new Hopi chief Bowie would not let him see his baby!
OCHEN: Bowie must take her now for her naming. DANTE: Donít I get to name my own daughter?
SOUND: BABY CRIES! OCHEN: No. Only the Ancestors may do that.
You may not touch her until we are sure it is safe.
DANTE: Safe? From her father? I carried her on my – You know what? Since I ìgraduatedî
from Hale University Iíve been pushed around by all of you! I was, letís see: abducted
at gunpoint by my ìbenefactorî, forced to be puppet king of the solar system by space
cowboys, raped by a space Indian, impregnated by her, baby-snatched by her kinfolk, all
while being chased by ancient mystical horsemen and trans-dimensional reptilian aliens.Nobody even noticed that I turned 18. You know what? You can keep your
little pod baby for all I care. Iíll be at the Modal Node at the Freeport of Ganymede,
getting drunk! Roger, let me in and blast off.
ROGER TEN-4:Hang ten, dude. Kawabunga. SOUND: DOOR SLAMS. BONG ENGINES. SPACE WARP.
BOWIE: Ochen, Dante may be Bahana. The lost brother returned to us. We may still need
him! OCHEN: Come, Bowie, letís get her to the
naming place. SOUND BABY HAPPY NOISES. WALKING UNDER
OCHEN: What news is there of the war, my Chief? BOWIE: Bam-BER-ga and Hermione have fallen,
and even the Flora Family asteroids are now occupied by Eumarican and Crusiquestrian forces.
But most troubling: our wren ships report that Gypto engineers are constructing a two-horned
grapple to ensnare Enceladus. Pharaoh Amunatun himself oversees construction from his pleasure
barge in the river rings of Saturn. OCHEN: Why would they want to catch the moon
Enceladus? BOWIE: I have a fleet ready to launch.
OCHEN: You support the war now, Bowie? BOWIE: Ochen, according to our ancient Mayan
calendar, Pictun Five Sun is coming to a close, and the ancestors tell me Nampeya was right
to attack Mars. Six sun shall be the Day of Hopi!
SOUND: BABY COOING SOFTLY. OCHEN: We are at the naming place, it is time!
SOUND: DRUMS. SONG OF LIZARD PROTECTION UNDER. BOWIE: Great Ancestors, I hold above my head
this child of Nampeya Raintree preceded in spirit by all Hopi Chiefs, and Dan D. Day
descended of all Earthly royal blood. SOUND: BABY COOING, HAPPY.
BOWIE: Newborn of two worlds, unifier of humanity, show your original face and lead us now to
your name. SOUND: QUIET BABY GIGGLE
BOWIE: But soft! Like the light rising in the east. You will be called Sunflower Shining.
OCHEN: Sun Shiny Day! SOUND: HAPPY BABY, SONG OF PROTECTION FADES.
VONIKKEN: Well, class, while the Hopi plan ahead for Pictun Six, letís tune in Dante
as Roger Ten-4 lands on Jupiterís largest moon.
SOUND: ROGER TEN-4íS ENGINES. GANYMEDE. VONIKKEN: Dante— his ear-cuff seemed stuck
on an audio tour of the solar system in the voice of his deceased robot girlfriend.
VERONICA:Freeport. Established in 8,000 BC for Astrati and aliens to trade in
a non-hostile psychic environment. Most humans fail pacific requirements so trade remains
limited. Salty oceans harbor intelligent cetaceans and temperate rainforests are home to Yeti-likeÖ DANTE: Roger, put us down in the main square.
SOUND: ROGER LANDING. ENGINES FADE. SHIP DOOR OPENS.
DANTE: Be inconspicuous. Iím going into this bar.
ROGER: Chaaa dude, Iíll just fold up into a street lamp.
SOUND: DOOR OPENS. BAR, TALKING, MUSIC. BITH BACKWARDS?
ANUERIA: Hello. Welcome to the Modal Node. Iím Anueria.
DANTE: Your skin is blue! And iridescent. Andglowing.
ANEURIA:New to the Freeport, huh? Would you like a blue beer?
DANTE: Uh. Yeah. Thanks. SOUND: BEER POURED INTO ICY MUG.
VONIKKEN: Now on to Saturnís largest moon, Titan! See the humungous ringed planet rise
in the florescent sunset. Purple methane waves crash on the shore. Pharaoh Amunatun has built
a mile high Pyramid Palace! Letís peek into the harem suite. See? Stormy is being groomed
for her new role in Unification. OZONA: Daughter, circumstances demand flexibility.
So hereís the new plan. Oujet will sing a song through you. It will top all crossover
charts on December 21, the day of your wedding to the Pharaoh! See daughter? We can still
give Pindar his Unification! A live concert will focus the energy of the whole solar system,
tuned in to see the virgin bride perform naked, from the golden capstone, floating above the
pyramid palace. Oh! STORMY: But Mummy, I donít want a golden
ñ OZONA: Donít interrupt while I hatch evil
eggs! You will have a pharaonic wedding! And a sacrificial deflowering in front of a live
audience of billions! STORMY: But I donít want to be rock star!
I want to marry Josh! OZONA: Silence! It is your destiny!
Now get into that studio, and let Oujet call the tune. I will lead the sÈance out here
while you sing! STORMY: Yes mummy. Right away mummy.
SOUND: STATIC. ELECTRIC GUITAR MUFFLED. ALL:OH. MA SA. OH PIN DA.OH MA DA.OH
OO JA. OZONA: Oh scaly ones, the song Static uses
Formula Nine melody to create feelings of doubt and fear – with a catchy hook and dance
beat! OH, Maldek, Pindar, Oujet! Imbue this recording
with your dark energies that it may enslave our sheeple in your name.
ALL: All hail Pindar! All hail Maldek! All hail Oujet!
OZONA: May the pop star Stormy Gnyte be a focus for your feeding Hail!
ALL: Hail!MARVIE:Did yíall hear that?
They just did the devilís tongue!The class should know that a
multi-vibrating bi-labio-lingual fricative, also known as the raspberryis
really the devilís tongue! A reptoid salute! Just like I was telling Liza:
LIZA: This time you are just making connections! MARVIE: Take President Dinton, that picture
with his tongue out. Or the first President Shrub, and his son, Doubledew Shrub, both
with tongues wagging. Hereís Bisty Smears, pop tart with her tongue out! And even Alpert
Einspine saysyaíll! LIZA: Iím telling you, itís not a lizard
symbol! The presidents are showing their support of the Tea Party, and Bitsy is just being
vulgar! MARVIE: And Keith Simmons? Heís just being
vulgar too? LIZA: You mean Gene Richards? No, that really
is the sign of the devil. VONIKKEN: Hey you two: out! Come now class,
letís float in the river rings of Saturn near Pharaoh Amunatunís pleasure barge where
he consults the ancient Book of the Head, a grimoir of interstellar travel. Oh look
here comes Ozona! SOUND: RIVER BOAT NOISES. GYPTO THEME.
OZONA: Your golden pompousness. The song ìStaticî has been injected into the massive media and
is already creating a negative charge. AMUNATUN:Construction at Enceladus
is nearly complete. A thousand alien races will witness as I unify with Pindar and achieve
immortality! Your little virgin daughter is a virgin, right?
OZONA: Oh yes, your manganese magnificence. AMUNATUN: Good.Now,
letís go pay a visit to our pleasure harem!
SOUND: RING RING. GLORIA: Iíll get it! Daystrom Institute.
May I help you? OZONA: Glo, itís me! Please listen.
GLORIA: Ozona! You kidnapped my daughter, again! Where have you taken –
OZONA: Safe in Oujetís embrace.Saturn is glorious, Gloria! If only you would come
back to us! You were a wonderful Hollywood ghost writer. Itís all in your head! That
was your motto! GLORIA: Good bye, Ozona.
SOUND: PHONE CLICK CAESAR: Did they fall for it, my pet?
GLORIA: They think Oujet has her in a coma. Itís a go!
SOUND: STATIC. TUNE TO JAZZY SEXY BAR MUSIC BELOW.
VONIKKEN: Now class, back on the moon Ganymede. Dante is still at the bar with the blind,
blue-skinned bartender Anuria. ANURIA: Last call, Mirthling. Everyone else
has left. DANTE: Oh my god, Anuria! I feel so drunk!
ANURIA: You only had one beer. You nursed it all night!
DANTE: It must be you. ANURIA: A charmer. And handsome too.
DANTE: How can you tell. Arenít you blind? ANURIA: I donít have to see you, to see you.
We Aneurians live in all space and time at once. You do too. You just donít know it
Ö yet. You must be naked before god. SOUND: TWINKLE BLINK OF STARS. MUSIC IN BACKGROUND
FADES DANTE: What do you mean? Hey, your clothes!
They vanished! Mine too. Well, OK! How did you -?
ANURIA: Dante, I want to show you something. DANTE: I think you already have!
ANURIA: I shall give you what no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no hand has touched and
what has never occurred to the human mind. DANTE: Canít we just -?
ANURIA: Hold my hand to your lips. Breathe out, slowly. Feel our union
SOUND: SPACETIME WAVES BUILD SLOWLY DANTE:Hey! Youíre in my mind!
ANURIA: Breathing together, we conspire.on the
waves of space and time.
DANTE:Yes! ANURIA: Good! Now relax. Let the waves wash
over you and then slow it down. Just stop and be.
SOUND: MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS. ASTRAL CLASSROOM SOUND IN.
DANTE: My god, Iím full of stars! How did you?
ANURIA: No. You did it Dante! Look in your mind, right there Ö
DANTE: Oh! It was there all the time. Now I see Ö everything and every-when? Look!
Dinosaurs! And over there – is that my daughter on Callisto?
ANURIA: That way is the future. A possible one.
DANTE: And some kind of death ray! Earth! ANURIA: Thatís a negative timeline.
DANTE: Say, why do the timelines all get murky after December?
ANURIA: Reality exists only in our minds. When consciousness breaks free of the physical,
multiple timelines become available. Simply ride the astral waves to get there! Hereís
a tiny wave. It goes two feet to the left and two seconds into the future, Jump!
SOUND: WAVE CRASHING ON SHORE. VERONICA SAYS WHEEE!
DANTE:Itís like body surfing through time!
ANURIA: Excellent! You may need practice, or you might overshoot the beach and land
in empty space! But every-when is everywhere, Dante. Just ride the waves! First though,
I want you to feel this. SOUND: GLOW
DANTE: Oh! You are glowing again. ANURIA: Yes. Now you do it!
DANTE: Me? How do I? ANURIA Ad gaudia! There is no do or do not.
Just be. SOUND: GLOW. TINY AT FIRST. SPUTTERS AND GROWS.
DANTE: That feels wonderful! I never knew I could do this!
ANURIA: Everyone can. Smythe hid you from your family just as the reptoids have hidden
Earthlings from their own light. But your light burns bright enough to enlighten the
all. See that timeline Ö DANTE: There! That future is as clear as a
crystal ball! ANURIA: You need them. They need you. You
must go back. DANTE: I know. But Ö?
ANURIA: Yes? DANTE: Well, I was hoping to kiss you!
ANURIA: They warned me Earth Boys are easy. And I know far better than kissing!SOUND: GLOWING GROWS, SPINS. TRANCENDENTAL
SEX! SOUND: TUNE IN. GYPTO SOUND VERY QUIET IN
BACKGROUND GLORIA: Psst! Ozona.
OZONA: Gloria. How did you get in my mind? Stop it!
GLORIA: But O, itís what all the kids are doing these days. FaceSpace crashed when Marvie
was unplugged. So now they just ìpingî with their minds! 2012 you know, honey child, and
humanity is on the verge of psychic enlightenment –
OZONA: Gloria! Get out of my head. Itís personal space.
GLORIA: That what you tell Oujet? OZONA: Go!
SOUND: CERES SCURRIER PLANET HOME WORLD VONIKKEN: After Tanake rescued me from Atlantis
I had been on the frozen Scurrier planet Ceres, basking in vindication! And yet my old rival
Smythe had become a more dangerous foe than ever. Father Kinnakin sat on a floating carpet
counseling me when Tanake returned with the fish girl.
KINNAKIN: Liza. This is Don VonIkken formerly of Hale University. Like Marvie, VonIkken
saw the truth. I have asked him to document Unification for the Scurriers. Now you must
all prepare for the orgy! KINNAKIN: Sit on carpet, let us float into
Scurrier Archives.Our holo-records. Over hundred thousand years! Most sacred records
from Jocasta Fresco. Ah! Here they are! TANAKE: The holo-prophecies of Mother Fresco!
Nam Nam. KINAKIN: Ah, nam nam. For millennia final
Fresco recording remained locked in crystal. Use Kundalini key to open it with your mind!
TANAKE: Yes Father. Ommmm! Nam nam Nommmm
SOUND: BLING! TANAKE:Look! A fifty foot hologram!
MOTHER FRESCO: Nam nam nam, my children. The Scurrier Council has chosen Hu! Who! You Tanake,
nam nam nam! You will pose as Potentate Hu of 511 Davida.
(musing) Nam Nam. Nam. Hu will go to Amunatunís wedding. Hu will Take Liza and present her
as green mermaid slave girl, TANANAKE: Do you really think I can pull this
off? MOTHER FRESCO: You will do fine! Now go! Nam
nam. LIZA: What about Dante? Is he ever coming
back? KINAKIN: Oh, a, well Ö I activated the auto-recall
on Roger Ten-Four and Dante was not aboard! Roger is the flying carpet on which I sit!
ROGER TEN-4: Dudes! Dudette! Whoa. LIZA: Roger, stop! That tickles. Where is
Dante? ROGER TEN-4: Gone, he went like kawabunga!
Cha? In astral space. Wherever he goes, there he is!
MOTHER FRESCO: Never mind him, now. Go now my children! Ad gaudia!
SOUND: SONIC CIRUCS THEME MUSIC. VONIKKEN: Tune in your minds to the moons
of Saturn – December 19, 2012. Ozona is hatching more eggs!
OZONA: Now pharaoh, daughter, letís review. When Stormy begins her song, naked of course,
Oujet will be joined with her. As you reach the crescendo, Stormy, you will mount the
pharaohSTORMY: Mount him? But heís ñ
OZONA:as Pindar rides through him. All of humanity will watch as your virginity
is sacrificed to our reptoid ruler, generating the most massive influx of energy in ten thousand
years! Marvie will be crucified on stage behind you, where she will soak up the energy until
we are ready to unleash it and rebroadcast the signal directly into the Eye of Hathor!
STORMY: Why do I have to be sacrificed? AMUN/PINDAR: Graa!
SOUND: SILENCE 2.5 SECONDS. OZONA: Forgive her outburst, wedding day jitters. Stormy, you whiny diva, go spike that green hair, take off your clothes, and
put your combat boots on. I want the pharaoh to see your wedding outfit. It is your –
STORMY: Destiny. Yes, mother. Right away.
CAESAR: Gloria my love, have you been tracking Static in the massive media?
GLORIA: Yes darling. FaceSpace is still offline, but the Twatter feed has 13 billion hits.
Non-stop wedding coverage on all ten thousand cable channels and sixteen MyTube mirror sites.
And thatís just Earth. The entire solar system is tuning in, Ceasar!
SAM: Welcome to this
Live Presentation at the End of the Great Maya Piktun 5 Sun.
SOUND: GYPTO THEME: RIDING T0HE BANSHEE DanoSongs SAL: Thatís right Sam, here at the Pyramid
Palace, Astrati nobility are lining up on the red carpet.
Thereís the King of Sedna in his red robes Ö
SOUND: HA HA HA! BY DEWEY. W/ FANFARE. the Maharaja of Varuna in a digital sari Ö
SOUND: OOH NAMASTE BY DEWEY WITH INDIAN HORNS and the ever-conservative Eeny-Meeny of Europa.
SOUND: EENY MEENY BY DEWEY. SQUELCHED AND TREATED
SAL Oh and look at the outfit on the Crown Princess of Xena. Is that an orangutan sheís
wearing on her head? SOUND: OOH OOH AH ORANGUTAN!
SAM: And folks I donít believe it. Look whoís just arrived. Is that Irulan and the moles
of Ziziboo? SAL: After the last gift is presented by Potentate
Hu Stormy will sing her hit song Static, step into the Sunstone sling and be lowered onto
the pharaoh at midnight! Oh Sam! Gasps! SAM: Sal?
SAL: Yes! Yes! UH, Yes? SAM: Thank you. Now folks, letís watch Salís
interview earlier today with Stormy Gnyte. SOUND: GUITAR, DRUMS TESTING SOUND OF STAGE.
UNDER. SAL: Sam, weíre backstage at the greatest
rock concert and celebrity cherry-popping sacrifice since Teotihuacan. Iím with Stormy
now, in her dressing room, in a rare moment when she is not being possessed by the reptoid
Oujet. Tell us all about it, Stormy darling. Everyone is watching.
STORMY:Mummie says all Astrati have a role to play, and Iíve
always wanted to be a rock star, havenít I?
SAL: It must be nice to be a princess bride! STORMY: Well, the celebrity perks are quite
brilliant, actually. My suite here on Titan is inside the Cryo-volcano! It shimmers at
night, when I am alone and Oujet is checking in on Mar-
SAL:UmÖ Everyone loves your song Static.
STORMY: Thank you. I ñ Iím just an instrument of the Lord.
SAL: The dark lord? SOUND: ROCK BAND WARMING UP.
SAL If youíre just tuning in, this is Sal sonic, interviewing pop-diva Stormy Gnyte.
Weíre walking from the dressing room to the stage. The band is warming up. Stormy, tell
us about the Pictunes. STORMY: Well, Jimmy Watt is on drums, of course.
SOUND: DRUMS STORMY: On keyboards the artist formerly known
as IDunno. SOUND: KEYBOARD RIFF
STORMY: Um, our bass player Beef Kitchards, called in. Strung out, really. Yeah. So weíre
short one, arenít we? SAL: Stormy, how do you feel about sacrificing
your virginity before a live holo-vision audience of billions?
STORMY: Well, as Mummy says, itís my Destiny!
SAL: Stormy I canít help but notice the unconscious girl you have strung up on the harmonifier
ñ isnít that Marvel S. Day! STORMY Oh her. Sheís just a Dirtling instrument,
sheíll be played on the psychic level to amplify the emotions we feed into her!
SAL: What do you mean? STORMY: Oh, you know. Plato and Hitler like
Ö did it, but um Hendrix said it best. Music gets people at their weakest point. Hypnotized,
you know? Um, so you can like preach to their subconscious.What Oujet? I Ö oh Is
it! SAL: And that ended our interview!
VONIKKEN: Now class, letís go look at poor Marvel S. Day! Comatose and hanging on a cross!
The Reptoids want her unique abilities to amplify their death ray!
Well. They just think she is in a coma! But clever Marvie made a Psychic Party Line! Letís
see what that looks like, ja? SOUND: TIKI BAR MUSIC FROM STOLEN IDOLS.
MARVIE: Hello Liza, itís me Marvie. Iím calling your with my mind. Come join my party!
SOUND: TUNE IN. LIZA: Marvie! Mwah. Now this is a party!
Nice tiki heads! Is that a real bonfire? MARVIE: Mm Hmm. In my mind! Yours too now!
Itís astral! Now, Iíve got the party all ready, and there
is plenty of room! Iím just listening to the Sonic Circus while I wait for everyone
to arrive and Ö you know. LIZA: Oops, gotta run, Tink. Tanake, I mean
Hu, is about to introduce us to the pharaoh! Mwah!
MARVIE: Liza. Wait. Weíre in astral space. You are still out there! And in here! You
can do both at once, sugar. LIZA: I can?Oh, seems I can!
So Ö Marvie, we are all alone in astral space.
MARVIE: Yes Sal. We are! Bring me those gills!
SOUND: KANOODLING. SAM: Sam Sonic here with this news bulletin
brought to you by Montauk Delivery Services, they know where your packages go, even if
you donít! A battle may soon be underway for control of the iridescent moon Enceladus.
Letís listen to this intercepted transmission. OZONA: Smythe, you hollow shell of a man,
report! SMYTHE: I am trying, but Maldek is inhabiting
the computer and keeps tuning in Reptoid opera. MALDEK: My brother Pindar is not here, so
I am in charge. SMYTHE: At the moment, Maldek, youíre just
HAL-adjusted. Get it? Hal- MALDEK: Know what, Smythe? Since my brotherís
not hereÖ SMYTHE/MALDEK: Oh, no you donít! Maldek,
no –He He He. All systems go my dear festering pustule. The moon is locked in place
with Cow Horns and our Crusiquestrian space fleet is guarding it! Initiate the connection,
my drooling abcess. OZONA: Yes, venereal wart! Activate the Death
Ray!SOUND: WHINNEYING. AUDIO OUT. RETURN TO GYPTO
CONCERT SAM: That was audio intercepted by the Hopi
Spirit Fleet, en route to engage the Space Cowboys. We now return to our Special Coverage
of the Unification on Titan. VONIKKEN: Well class, Dante had taken an
extended space-time tour with Anuria ñ but when they returned to Jupiter, Roger was gone!
DANTE: Whereís the lamp post? Roger Ten-Four? Anuria, where did Roger go?
ANURIA: The Acaciac record shows that his auto-recall was activated by the Scurriers!
He is on Titan! DANTE: I have to get back! Itís almost midnight
and weíve been kanoodling for Ö ANURIA: Ninety six days and three solar systems.
Remember that sunset on Alderaan? Letís go back and
DANTE: Anuria! Thanks Ö for everything! But itís time, babe! Ad gaudia!
SOUND EFFECT: SPACETIME WAVE ANURIA: Dante, wait! Oh dear.
VONIKKEN: Dante had been practicing but in his haste he missed Titan by a few hundred
kilometers and found himself floating, naked, with his head poking through an electric blue
ring of Saturn, gasping for breath! Letís listen to his final thoughts, ya?
DANTE: So this is itÖOh, I doubt the Uberlords could even get me out of this
one. Oh Veronica! VERONICA: The famed River Rings of SaturnÖ.
SOUND CROWD COUNTS DOWN VONIKKEN: Oh class, thatís it for today!
See you next time for our final lesson in Cosmic Significance.
VOICEOVER: Cosmic Significance 2012 is written and directed by Dewey Davis-Thompson and Elizabeth
Brackman and is a production of Soundstage Radio Theatre and Pirates and Angels Productions.
Full credits and web extras online at CosmicSignificance.com.