Craving Musical Theater Dick – Sex Fails (feat. Christi Chiello)


Hi, I’m Christi.
I am very horny, horny as fuck. I’ve been this way
my whole fucking life. Okay.
I am 33 right now and I’m sexually peaking
by myself, okay? And I started when I was young. I developed as a young woman
starting when I was 11. I got my period. I was the first one
of all my friends to get it. I went to bed on white sheets
and woke up on a Japanese flag. What the… I went to my mom. I lied. I told her that I scratch
my pussy on a rock. Second thing you need to know
about me, I was doing a lot
of musical theater. ♪ If I only had a brain. ♪ It surprises nobody. So now I’m 16 years old,
bleeding everywhere, doing musicals.
Rhode Island Youth Theater, shout-out.
But it was at auditions where I first laid eyes
on a very special boy, Chance. His name was Chance, obviously. This enigma in capezio
dance wear, I always fucking into it. He had like an Adidas sweatband just beneath
his shy teenage bangs. Beautiful Hazel eyes sent
like a mixed message. Look at me, everyone,
but only with your hearts. He had just auditioned
for American Idol season two. He made it almost of the judges.
Wow, it’s a big deal. For his addition he picked
Celine Dion’s, It’s All Coming
Back To Me Now. ♪ There were nights when the
wind was so cold. ♪ As I listened to boy wonder sing this song written
for a 40 year old woman, my vagina had a heartbeat. I was so horny for him.
So that summer I was determined to find out
what a dick looked like. I had never seen dick.
I was 16 never seen a dick. I think my friend Josh drew one
on the desk in Algebra. It just looked like a Teletubby
was doing a handstand, a banana in pajamas,
a slinky on top of the hotdog. I didn’t know
what it looked like, but I knew
I needed to see Chance’s. Okay, now I’m going to pause. I only have one requirement
when it comes to dating it is that the guy be straight. Five of my ex-boyfriends
are gay. One of my exes drove a Fiat. Why did you not see
that one coming? Once you go chiello,
you will start to like fellows. So know that moving forward. Chance invited me over to his
house after rehearsal one night, gasp, to watch
Mariah Carey in glitter. I did not know about red flags. I was very scared
but also horny, scorny. What if his dick is big? What if he tries to like
put it in my mouth? What if I go to touch his dick,
my hands are so sweaty that it just slips out
like one of those water snakes. This is it Christi,
this is the moment Eminem was rapping about when he had vomit on his sweater
already, mom’s spaghetti. X marked the spot
and by X I mean boner. I do one of those like…
you know? What I lacked
in actual sex skills I made up for with enthusiasm. As we were making out
one thing was crystal clear Chance did not have a boner. I wasn’t going
to give up though. I’d seen like a lot of
Brittany Spears music videos. I straddled him and I did
like a lot of this chairography from like Brittany,
Stronger video. Nothing was happening. While I was doing this
I could feel his arms on my shoulders
moving me left and right. At the time
I thought he was into it, but in hindsight, I think I was
just blocking the television. Your girl loves a challenge. Okay, Christi, if your body
cannot make Chance’s dick hard, then your mouth
is going to have to. I slobbered my way down
Chance’s hairless body and just as I was about to unzip
his fly with my braces, he stopped me,
“Christi, I’m really tired and I have to memorize
my lines.” Okay, cool.
I get it Chance, whatever. All like, I don’t care,
it’s cool. You know? And then I just called my mom
to come pick me up. At that time I believed him,
but now Chance is married to a dude he met
at Tisch School of the Arts. I see that Chance was never into
delicate flowers, he loved dick. The end.

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