I’m Darren Criss and I’m an acorn, actor.
I’m an ACTOR! Can we take it again? We’ll take it again. I remember when I was a little boy growing up in San Francisco and I would say “Dads, Moms I wanna be on Broadway!” And the whole commute would get together after we fixed
each other’s dreadlock and we would pray together to the Great Turtle and uhm… The Great Turtle
would say “Nononono your journey, young one, is to do a show on FOX first”. I said “Turtle
I don’t want wealth, I don’t want fame, I don’t want ease! I want Broadway baby, GIMME
BROADWAY!” What have we got? Uh! Is it a moving thing? It’s a turtle!!! HEEEY BUD! don’t worry I’ll put you back where you belong! *Peck* oh he literally went *Ughhhh* wise move! -Yeah! Yeah!
Turtle power! -We are absolute fans!
-I came in these pants tonight! -It’s unbelievable! I got a big shell tattooed
on my back- -I came here in a sewer! -We’ve all got nunchucks! -I have weapons on- oh we shouldn’t say that!
-We shouldn’t talk about that but…We’re prepared. Always! Yeah this is kind of a pretty big night for
us! For us.. turtle nerds, you know?! Yeah like… TURDS right? -Let’s try like.. turtle fanboys! -like..TRANBOYS, right? That works! TRANBOYS!! -Are you serious right now?
-It’s got a good ring!
-Or are you doing it on purpose? Dude this is our one chance to introduce Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle and you’re blowing it right now! – YOU’RE blowing it, man! -Uhm wild guess here….this might be his car -The penguin mentioned a bat. You think this is the guy working with Shredder? -Could be! Wait for my signal.. Nah, I got this! Hey everybody, what’s going on? Where is Susan Blackwell? Is she here? I’M GONNA LICK YOUR
FACE BEFORE I LEAVE. I’m just waiting for it to happen -What would you do if she licked you right
now? -I would probably put this mic down and right
when she (?!) did it I would turn to my left… -oh my God I’m never going to wash any part
of myself again! -Nonono wash it with soap! IMMEDIATELY -oh my Gggod -okay go! -pull up your pants? Dressy?
Underwear! Lingerie! Hot lingerie! – SO close, C’mon! – this is easy! – it is? Do you know what it is? -I DON’T KNOW!
What is it? – You had it! Sexy lingerie! Darren Criss! So how does it look? Oh my God! I’M BEAUTIFUL! TWEET IT IMMEDIATELY! I gotta go! WHERE’S MY PANTS? MY PANTS! WHERE
ARE MY PANTS? thank you ******************
******** I’m coming! ******** Thank you! *WEEEEEE* What’s going on everybody I’m so excited to
be here to host the Teen Choice Awards.. dammit, it’s tomorrow. I’m an idiot – I’m 13 – Years old?
– yes! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you dumb dumb, you’re in love with a kid! -WHAaaAttT? *So you like playing with dolls! That’s fun!*
yeah – I F*****, we f*****, I F****?!! – That’s not even the smallest about you – Oh God, don’t say that… at all! Did you
tell anybody? -just the whole company! -Ah! F***! – Maybe I can call you in 10 years?
-no! Never! Don’t do that! Never call me. Don’t ever… Oh my God. Oh my f******
God! -bye Jeff! I’ll come back for you! – I fucked a magical child! I’m gonna go to jail! *I AM A GOOD PERSON. MAGIC ISN’T A DEFENSE YOU CAN USE IN COURT!* – what’s your favourite Italian cuisine? What’s your favourite dish? – Oh if it’s Italian then… ..exactly I was like… “Where is he going with that?” I don’t know.. egg plant parmigiana! I’m always saying that so maybe people will
like.. bring me egg plant parmigiana; so that’s like .. the diviest plan! – How do you like me now,bitch? – You are not supposed to use that sort of
force! Oh no! My last receptors are in overload! Must HUG AND KISS, HUG AND KISS, HUG AND KISS! – I now pronounce you, by the power invested
in me by the State of California “NICE” – If I play the first 2 notes of any Disney song people just… It gets, it’s, it’s *LIT*
I believe the kids say. That’s what happens! 🎵I can show you the world 🎵 -OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SOOOONG – Really quick rapid fire: What did president
Obama say to you when you talked to him? – Oh I’ll do it exactly. Okay so my whole
plan with Obama was to fist-bump him. So I need… You be me.
so you do.. – go: “MY MAN!” That’s
me, that was me. And I’ll be President Obama and I’ll do exactly what he did. Can we stand? Pretend I’m much taller than you! Okay cool. So we’re sitting there. “MY MAAAN” – OH COME ON MAN, YOU GOTTA BOOM! -For real?
– Yeah! He told me to boom! He corrected me on my fist-bumping etiquette! Yeah it was like.. this is so presidential! Not only you’re telling what I’m doing wrong
but you’re telling how to do it better! *General confusion*
-zzzzooom zoooom zoooom Oh no!
I’m starting to malfunction! I’m starting to malfunction! *DarrenRobot malfunctioning lol* BUONGIORNO! It’s me, your old pal Darren Criss just hanging out in my palacial estate that I bought with all the money I made on Wall Street I think It’s time to go You can’t see this if you’re watching but our cameraman is defying death by coming up these old 500-year-old steps holding his camera meanwhile I get the better view of Florence. *beautiful* ** sooooy un perderoooor I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me** Give me any line A serious line? A serious line, anything… I would not cry if you died tomorrow See, I just wanted to let you know that
I would not cry- -if I died. tommorow. Are you so excited to be with me right now? I’m so excited I’m gonna go down these stairs [… idk idk idk…] Go! Go walk down the stairs! oooh… Can you believe what he fucking what he fucking just did: OoooOOOoh FirenzeeEEe CIAO! 🙂