Day 1: So Much Drama In The RNC


PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT! OH, WHAT A NIGHT! WHAT A NIGHT! YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR IT’S
ABSOLUTELY ELECTRIC OUT HERE. WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW” LIVE
FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER RIGHT HERE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WE’RE LIVE ALL WEEK DURING
TRUMP’S CONVENTION BECAUSE I WANT TO BE THE VERY FIRST ONE TO
ANNOUNCE THE MOMENT AMERICA BECOMES GREAT AGAIN. YOU WILL FEEL IT IN THE AIR WHEN
IT HAPPENS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT MIGHT
HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED, FOLKS, BECAUSE ON NIGHT ONE, TONIGHT,
DONALD TRUMP ENTERED LIKE THIS —
♪ ♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY
FRIEND ♪ ♪ WE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTING TILL
THE END ♪ ♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪
♪ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>Stephen: YES, WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD, AND WE
ARE GOING TO RESTORE CONSERVATIVE AMERICAN VALUES BY
ENTERING TO THE MUSIC OF A BISEXUAL ENGLISHMAN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THIS IS CRAZY. NEWS CRAZY. YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT YOU’RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THE CANDIDATE BEFORE THE NOMINATION,
LET ALONE ON THE FIRST NIGHT. THAT’S LIKE THE BRIDE NOT ONLY
BEING SEEN ON HER WEDDING DAY BUT JUMPING OUT OF THE CAKE AT
THE BACHELOR PARTY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND THAT WASN’T THE ONLY DRAMA TODAY. THERE WAS DRAMA THIS AFTERNOON
AS THE STOP TRUMP MOVEMENT TRIED TO CHANGE THE RULES SO THEY
WOULDN’T BE FORCED TO VOTE FOR TRUMP ON THE FIRST BALLOT AND
WHEN THAT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL, THE DELEGATES FROM COLORADO JUST
WALKED OUT, AND LOOK AT WHAT TIME THE COLORADO DELEGATES
WALKED OUT — 4:20, MY FRIENDS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH. YEAH, OH, YEAH. YEAH. 4:20. YEAH. OH, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO
WALK OUT. THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN MAD. THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE,
SAY, SNACKY. (LAUGHTER)
AND THERE WAS ALSO ANOTHER DISTURBANCE ABOUT AN HOUR AND 45
MINUTES AGO WHEN A PROTESTER FROM CODE PINK WAS ESCORTED FROM
THE ROOM BY TRUMP SUPPORTERS SOUTHEAST THAT GUY? I DON’T KNOW WHO THE GUY IS
COVERING HER FACE BUT NOT TOUCHING HER FACE, HE’S A BIKER
FOR TRUMP AND I THINK HE’S ALSO CLEARLY SOMEONE’S LITTLE
BROTHER. (LAUGHTER)
I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU! I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU! YOU CAN’T TELL MOM! I’M NOT ACTUALLY TOUCHING YOU! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THIS IS MY SIDE! THIS IS MY SIDE OF THE
CONVENTION! DON’T GET ON MY SIDE. THIS IS MY SIDE. I’M NOT SUCHIN TOUCHING YOU. (LAUGHTER)
FOR THE RECORD, I WAS SOMEONE’S LITTLE BROTHER. TONIGHT THE OFFICIAL THEME OF
THE CONVENTION WAS “MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN.” IT’S A MAJOR CONCERN. SAFETY, A MAJOR CONCERN FOR THE
G.O.P. RIGHT NOW BECAUSE JUST A FEW MONTHS BACK, SOME GUY BROKE
IN AND STOLE THEIR ENTIRE PARTY. THEY’RE FEELING A LITTLE SHAKY
RIGHT NOW. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LIKE THIS, LIKE THAT. SMOOTH, SMOOTH. ALL RIGHT. AND KEEPING WITH THE THEME OF
KEEPING AMERICA SAFE, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. I HOPE CHACHY FROM HAPPY DAYS
WEIGHED IN. WELL, FEAR NOT.>>HILLARY CLINTON WANTS TO BE
PRESIDENT FOR HILLARY CLINTON. DONALD TRUMP WANTS TO BE
PRESIDENT FOR ALL OF US.>>Stephen: AND SCOTT BALE
WANTS SOMEONE FROM TV LAND TO PUT HAPPY DAYS BACK ON! (APPLAUSE)
NOW, FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND SCHOOL BULLY SIDEKICK RUDY
GIULIANI TONIGHT ABOUT AN HOUR AGO GAVE A SPIRITED SPEECH WITH
A DRONING ENDORSEMENT — WITH A STRONG ENDORSEMENT OF DONALD
TRUMP.>>WHAT I DID FOR NEW YORK,
DONALD TRUMP WILL DO FOR AMERICA!>>Stephen: YES, DONALD TRUMP
WILL SEND ALL OF AMERICA’S HOMELESS TO NEW JERSEY TO MAKE
ROOM FOR EXPENSIVE CANDY STORES! YES! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OH! DONALD TRUMP WILL GET RID OF ALL
THE PORN AND REPLACE IT WITH BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP! (LAUGHTER)
AND HEADLINING, MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN, TONIGHT, WAS NOTED
SECURITY EXPERT MELANIA TRUMP WHO, I JUST WATCHED IT, GAVE A
VERY IMPRESSIVE SPEECH. JUST GOES TO SHOW, BEHIND EVERY
GREAT MAN IS — WELL, IN THIS CASE, ACTUALLY, CHRIS CHRISTIE
IS THAT ONE. (APPLAUSE)
IF I STAND HERE LONG ENOUGH, HE WILL DEFINITELY MAKE ME
VICE PRESIDENT. I GOTTA GET SOMETHING FOR. THIS I GOTTA GET — WHAT’S
HAPPENING TO ME? (LAUGHTER)
BUT, OF COURSE, INSTEAD OF CHRIS CHRISTIE, TRUMP ENDED UP PICKING
INDIANA GOVERNOR MIKE PENCE AS HIS VICE TRUMP —
(AUDIENCE BOOING) — LET’S ALL BE FRIENDS. AND TOGETHER THEY RELEASED THE
TRUMP-PENCE LOGO, WHICH I DON’T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE ALREADY
SEEN THIS, IT LOOKS LIKE THIS RIGHT THERE. (APPLAUSE)
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE MADE FUN OF IT. THEY THOUGHT THAT THIS “T” HERE
WAS DOING SOMETHING TO THE “P” OR PERHAPS THE “P” WAS DOING
SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE “T” BECAUSE IT WAS THE “T’S”
BIRTHDAY, LET’S SAY. I DON’T KNOW REALLY KNOW. (APPLAUSE)
VERY NICE. BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE WHAT’S
GOING ON BETWEEN TWO CONSENTING CONSONANTS? (LAUGHTER)
THE LOGO WAS IMMEDIATELY TAKEN DOWN AND REPLACED WITH THIS ONE. NO HARD CORE LETTER ON LETTER
ACTION RIGHT THERE. (LAUGHTER)
BUT THERE WAS ONE OTHER LOGO THEY CONSIDERED, TOUTED THEIR
STRONG BUSINESS EXPERIENCE, AND IT’S THE TWO OF THEM IN FRONT OF
A DESK AND IT’S VERY PROFESSIONAL, I THINK. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
RIGHT NOW, CBS IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT PART OF THIS
THEY LEGALLY HAVE TO BLUR. (LAUGHTER)
SAY HI TO OUR JAZZ DELEGATION, EVERYBODY! JON BATISTE AND “STAY HUMAN”!

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