Drunk Puppet Theatre – PERSUASION


[Classical music] [Narrator] Somewhere in England in a time that is
like 1800 something we’ve got the Elliots [Sir Walter] My name is Sir Walter [You’re So Vain plays] and I have a fancy book some of my daughters SUCK, mostly
ANNE. I spend money on things I don’t need but why don’t I have money? [Elizabeth] I’m Elizabeth and I’m a stone-cold b**** [Mary] I’m Mary, and I’m married [badum tss] to my sister Anne’s suitor that she rejected [Charles] Hey y’all! [Narrator] Oh my god, Anne, [music stops] put your sleeve up! [Music starts again] [Anne] Oh, how scandalous! I’m Anne, and I think– [Narrator] Then, there’s Lady Russell. [Lady Russell] Never mind my arm it got bent at a ball [Narrator] Wait, that’s not lady Russell. [Real Lady Russell] I’m lady Russell and I think that I know what everyone wants when really I don’t and I should mind my own f****** business [Anne] Perhaps we should adjust the budget Papa. [Sir Walter] No, there’s absolutely no way that could ever happen. How??? I guess we will just rent the house out but only to people that are named Mr. and Mrs. Croft and
they have to be related to your ex-fiancé because that’s the only way! [Anne] Uhhhh [Narrator] Meanwhile… [Elizabeth] We’re gonna go live in Bath and you’re not invited [Mary] Come live with me and my mediocre husband and also my kids [Anne] I guess since everyone else hates me [Mary] Yeah, that’s probably best option, huh? [Narrator] in Uppercross [sped up talking and jazzy music] [Narrator] And then one day… [Cool™ theme music] [Captain Wentworth] Heyyy motherf******* It’s me Fred Wentworth, Captain Wentworth to you and I bet that you never thought you’d see me again. Well guess where I am? Here! [Slo-mo gasp] [Anne] Oh my god, Fred Wentworth!? F****! [Flashback music, Narrator] 8 years ago… [Wentworth] Hey Baby you wanna marry me? [Anne] Yaaaas but one second I have to consult my mom’s friend. My dead mother’s best
friend who is like my aunt– [Wentworth] I don’t care!! Just answer my question! [Lady Russell] Don’t marry him Anne. He’s poor. And we’re shallow. [Anne] Yeah, you right. [Anne] Sorry, Fred, I can’t marry you. Because someone told me that I shouldn’t. [Fred] What…? [Narrator] Back to the present [Fred] Miss….Elliot…. [Anne] [Slo-mo nooooooo with sad drama/romance music in background] [Louisa] I’m Louisa! [Henrietta] And I’m Henrietta! [Fred] Wow, I’m smitten with you, probably. [Charles] Is it a question of if sir, or which one? [Sped-up talking and laughing with jazzy guitar] [Fred] I knew your brother!
[Louisa & Henrietta] Our mother says he was an unprofitable dick. [Fred] On this long walk we must stop to look at nuts. [Louisa] Tell about the nuts, Fred! [Fred] Hey everybody! We should go to Lyme! [singing] We’re in Lyme, we’re in Lyme, we’re in Lyme and we’re havin’ a good time! [Mr. Elliot] Hello Anne, oh my god, you are a beauty! I’m your cousin [record scratch] and it’s totally cool that I’m hitting on you, girl! [cartoon boing] [Louisa, through dramatic music] Ah! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! [Fred] Oh god, what do I do? [Anne] Go get a doctor, Fred. I’ll help you….Louisa. [Narrator] Back at Uppercross… [Anne] Welp, I’m gonna go stay with my very trusted and not all overbearing friend lady Russell in Bath, and the rest of my sh****a** family [Mr. Elliot] I’m actually a terrible person for plot reasons! [Anne] Oh no, my hot cousin is terrible, shoot! [Sophy Croft] I’m Fred’s
sister Mrs. Croft. Remember I live in Anne’s old house and I go on ships because I’m cool. I just wanted to let you all know that Henrietta
I mean Louisa–Henriette–I mean Louisa definitely Louisa is marrying Captain
Benwick [Captain Benwick, over emo music] Hello, I’m Captain Benwick and I have a lot of feelings. Let me recite you some poetry [Harville] I know I look a lot like Sir Walter but my name is actually Harville. [Narrator] Fred, writing… [Fred, over moody piano music] feelings feelings feelings feelings
feelings [Anne] Um I still like people I may have rejected at some point in my life, you know? [Harville] Nah. [Anne] Yeah, though. [Fred] Gotta go! [Fred] Just kidding here’s a letter for Anne [Anne] Me? [Fred] Okay bye. [Narrator reading letter, reading letter… [Anne] Fred wait! Gotta go catch Fred! [Anne panting] [Anne] Beat it, Charles, I gotta make out with my man! [moody romantic piano] [smoochy noises] [Lady Russell] Yes, this is okay now because he’s rich. [Sir Walter] I’m now Sir Walter again. [Sir Walter] Whatever, as long as your skin looks better, Anne, that’s all that matters. the end

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