Epstein Death Sets Off Wild Wave Of Conspiracy Theories


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,” ONE
AND ALL. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS. I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS
POSSIBLE, BUT DONALD TRUMP CAN STILL SHOCK ME. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: WHOA, SHOCK!>>Stephen: IT’S KIND OF NICE,
YOU KNOW, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, HE CAN
KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP FRESH. JUST WHEN YOU THINK, YOU KNOW,
HE’S BEEN AROUND FOR A WHILE AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO BE SHOCKED
BY HIM ANYMORE, HE POPS UP AND SCARES THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OF YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
HE’S, LIKE, LEATHERFACE BUT WITH MORE LEATHER AND WAY MORE FACE. ( LAUGHTER )
FOR INSTANCE, OVER THE WEEKEND, SEX CRIMINAL JEFFREY EPSTEIN WAS
FOUND DEAD IN HIS NEW YORK JAIL CELL. NOW, HE APPARENTLY, THEY SAY —
AND I GUESS THEY WOULD KNOW, THOUGH THEY CAN’T SAY HOW —
( LAUGHTER ) COMMITTED SUICIDE, WHICH IS
SURPRISING BECAUSE, THREE WEEKS AGO, HE WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS
WITH MARKS ON HIS NECK. HOW THE MARKS GOT THERE, THE
AUTHORITIES DID NOT SHARE WITH THE PUBLIC. AND YET, EPSTEIN WAS LEFT ALONE
AND NOT CLOSELY MONITORED. NOW, MAYBE HE WAS JUST IN ONE OF
THOSE PRISONS THAT REALLY VALUES INMATE PRIVACY! ( LAUGHTER )
LOVELY. THEN AGAIN, EPSTEIN KNEW A LOT
OF POWERFUL AND IMPORTANT PEOPLE, INCLUDING ALAN
DERSHOWITZ, FORMER NEW MEXICO GOVERNOR BILL RICHARDSON,
PRINCE ANDREW, AS WELL AS PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON AND
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. IT’S A WHO’S WHO OF “WHO’S
JEFFREY EPSTEIN? I’VE NEVER MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN.” ( LAUGHTER )
THIS HAS SET OFF A WAVE OF WILD CONSPIRACY THEORIES ONLINE. THE SORT OF STUFF THAT ONLY
UNSTABLE TINFOIL HAT LOONS COULD POSSIBLY BELIEVE, SO DONALD
TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP FANS, THEY’RE COMING AROUND! COMING AROUND! BECAUSE A FEW HOURS AFTER
EPSTEIN’S BODY WAS FOUND, TRUMP SHARED A TWEET AND VIDEO THAT
CLAIMED WITHOUT EVIDENCE THAT FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON
AND FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARY CLINTON WERE RESPONSIBLE
FOR EPSTEIN’S DEATH. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
REALLY? REALLY? THAT’S YOUR THEORY? I’M NOT SAYING THE CLINTONS
DON’T HAVE ANY POWER– HE COULD DEFINITELY GET A RESERVATION AT
ANY RESTAURANT IN NEW YORK CITY, PARTY OF FOUR, 7:00 ON A
SATURDAY — MAYBE NOT — BUT MASTERMINDING A SCHEME TO
ASSASSINATE A HIGH PROFILE PRISONER IN MAXIMUM SECURITY
FEDERAL CUSTODY? THEY COULDN’T EVEN MASTERMIND A
VISIT TO WISCONSIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT TRUMP CLEARLY THINKS IT’S THE LOGICAL ANSWER. (AS TRUMP)
“FOLLOW ME DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE HERE. OKAY? WHO HAD THE MOST TO GAIN FROM
EPSTEIN’S DEATH BESIDES ME WHO IS ON VIDEOTAPE PARTYING WITH
HIM AND YOUNG WOMEN? ( LAUGHTER )
AND WHO CONTROLS ALL FEDERAL PRISONS? THE PRESIDENT. BILL CLINTON! ( LAUGHTER )
REALLY? WHAT? ME? HOW? ( LAUGHTER )
DIDN’T THEY HEAR WHAT I SAID ON THAT BUS? THIS IS INSANE.” YES, IT IS INSANE,
MR. PRESIDENT. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES IS PUSHING A DANGEROUS AND COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED MURDER
CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT HIS PREDECESSOR. IT REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.’S
IMMORTAL WORDS:>>THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO
FEAR IS — HERBERT HOOVER! HE’S A LIZARD ALIEN! THEY WALK AMONG US! RUN!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: MISS THAT MAN. THIS CAME RIGHT ON THE HEELS OF
TRUMP’S VISITS TO DAYTON, OHIO AND EL PASO, TEXAS. IN A TIME OF NATIONAL TRAGEDY,
WE LOOK TO THE PRESIDENT TO CONSOLE A NATION. BUT DONALD TRUMP WAS LOOKING TO
HEAL A DEEPER WOUND: HIS EGO. ( LAUGHTER )
AIDES SAY THAT WHEN TRUMP DOES SOMETHING THAT HE BELIEVES HE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN PRAISED FOR, SUCH AS WEDNESDAY’S VISITS TO
THE CITIES, HE GROWS FURIOUS WHEN HE DOES NOT RECEIVE
ACCOLADES. (AS TRUMP)
“I’D JUST LIKE TO SAY TO ALL THOSE SUFFERING HERE IN DAYTON,
YOU’RE WELCOME. ( LAUGHTER )
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SMILE?” ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
THIS WOULD EXPLAIN WHY, ON HIS WAY TO EL PASO, AFTER TRUMP SAW
NEGATIVE NEWS COVERAGE, HE SCREAMED AT HIS AIDES TO BEGIN
PRODUCING PROOF THAT, IN EL PASO, PEOPLE WERE HAPPY TO SEE
HIM. BUT NOT ONE OF THE EIGHT
PATIENTS STILL BEING TREATED WANTED TO MEET WITH THE
PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
(AS SURVIVOR) “I JUST SURVIVED A NATIONAL
TRAGEDY, DON’T MAKE ME MEET ONE.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT’S REALLY GOT TO BE A BLOW
TO TRUMP’S EGO. (AS TRUMP)
“THEY DON’T WANT TO MEET ME? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? A CHAMPIONSHIP SPORTS TEAM? ( LAUGHTER )
I EVEN BROUGHT A TABLE OF CONGEALED BIG MAC.” ( LAUGHTER )
“IT CONGEALS INTO ONE LARGER MAC. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) TO COMPENSATE, ADMINISTRATORS
BROUGHT BACK TWO PATIENTS WHO HAD ALREADY BEEN DISCHARGED WHO
EXPRESSED A WILLINGNESS TO MEET WITH THE PRESIDENT. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A STRANGE
CALL. (AS PATIENT ON PHONE)
“WHAT’S THAT, DOCTOR? YOU NEED ME TO COME BACK TO THE
HOSPITAL? THERE’S AN INFECTION? AND IT WANTS A PICTURE WITH ME?”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE PRESS WERE NOT ALLOWED INSIDE THE HOSPITAL, BUT
CELLPHONE VIDEO SHOWED TRUMP CONSOLING THE SURVIVORS IN THE
ONLY WAY HE KNEW HOW: BY TALKING ABOUT HIS EL PASO RALLY FROM
FEBRUARY.>>THAT WAS SOME CROWD. NK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO.>>WE HAD TWICE THE NUMBER
OUTSIDE. AND THEN YOU HAD THIS CRAZY BETO. BETO HAD LIKE 400 PEOPLE IN A
PARKING LOT AND THEY SAY HIS CROWD WAS WONDERFUL.>>STEPHEN: A BEAUTIFUL
SENTIMENT, WHICH IS WHY EVERY TIME I HEAD TO A FUNERAL I
CONSOLE THE FAMILY WITH MY STRAIGHT A’S REPORT CARD FROM
8TH GRADE. PRETTY GREAT. PRETTY GREAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE, I TID NOT MAKE ONE A IN EIGHTH
GRADE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE PATIENTS INVITED BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TO MEET THE
PRESIDENT WAS AN INFANT BOY WHO LOST BOTH HIS PARENTS IN THE
SHOOTING. THIS IS AN UNSPEAKABLE TRAGEDY
THAT WILL ALTER THE CHILD’S LIFE FOREVER, SO,
NATURALLY, IN THE PHOTO, TRUMP IS SMILING, AND GIVING A BIG
THUMBS UP. WHO DOES THAT? (AS TRUMP)
“HEY, WHO’S GOT TWO THUMBS AND PUTS THEM UP AT THE WORST
POSSIBLE TIME? THIS GUY.” AND HIS CRITICS AREN’T THE ONLY
ONES WHO NOTICED THE WEIRDNESS. SUCH PICTURES HAVE CONCERNED
WHITE HOUSE AIDES, WHO HAVE ENCOURAGED HIM TO STRIKE A MORE
EMPATHETIC TONE. WHAT HIS AIDES DON’T UNDERSTAND
IS THAT TRUMP HAS ONLY ONE PHOTO POSE AND HE USES IT WITH
EVERYONE — BEAUTY PAGEANT WINNERS, DICTATORS, OTHER
DICTATORS, LIL’ JON AND TACO BOWLS. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, TACO
BOWL.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )

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