The first subject is jobs. Who has come in
that? Yeah, there were loads of jobs I wanted when I was a kid. Whether it was starting up a Ouija board business with my great-great-great great-great-great grandfather or becoming a detective like Poirot or Craig David’s girlfriend’s parents in fill me in. I always wanted to be a movie star. You
know like a proper method actor like Eddie Murphy because you know Eddie Murphy is
so method and so committed that to get into the role of a vet in Dr.
Dolittle, Eddie Murphy actually spent 10 years starring in lots of other shit films. It’s so expensive everywhere you go, if
you don’t have a job. You know? Like I stopped getting haircuts after a while, because there’s hidden costs even when you get a haircut. Like you think you’re paying for just the haircut and then at the end of the haircut the hairdresser does that really annoying thing where they try and convince you to buy one of their mirrors and go what do you think of this? Do you know what I say? I say I don’t want to buy one of your mirrors I want you to watch my hair at an angle I’ve otherwise never been at. It’s so expensive everywhere you go. I used to get the bus to work every day.
Get this 29 pounds per bus journey! 29 pounds per bus journey is insane. Not as insane as this woman used to sit on the top deck every day with a microphone telling us where in London we were. And 29 pounds per bus journey, and you can’t even afford a roof?! And take 3 and a half hours to get between Buckingham Palace and Westminster. Neither of which are places I work at. But you know, for the first time in my
life I thought I’ve got a job, I can buy things, I can buy things for my room. I can
buy a chest of drawers and a desk lamp and a flashing neon halal sign for my window. When you get a job, you think, oh great now I’m a proper grown-up. Next step, getting married, having kids. So I can be one of those proper adults. Who can call themself on Facebook and LinkedIn a father to two amazing
daughters, mother to three amazing sons, and I can’t call myself that because I
don’t have those kids and people don’t really like it when I call myself a nephew to three gorgeous uncles. Unlikely things to hear on a TV police
show. Sergeant you left the luggage in a wind tunnel? Well this is going to blow the whole case wide open. *Um the attackers first broke into the house* Oh you’ll alter my voice afterwards? Wait, so you’re trying to tell me that
the mounted policeman at the home end of Liverpool stadium fired a bullet that
just about grazed Liverpool’s manager? You trying to tell me the cop cop on
clip-clop clip-clop? We’ve searched the suspects room and we found traces of semen, alcohol and cocaine. Our conclusion absolute legend. He can find anybody. He can find any suspect. But can he find himself? This is Gap Year Detective. Things you never hear on daytime TV. Welcome, you’re watching four in a bed. Where we’ll be catching up with your mum. Well coming up now on BBC two you can use the red button to choose your daytime show it’s either a travel documentary about
alcoholic narcoleptic Rabis on holiday or a current affairs and arts programme. It’s you snooze, you lose, booze cruise
for Jews or news and reviews, you choose. Welcome back to homes under the hammer with Dion Dublin. The show that makes you go Dion Dublin? As in THE Dion Dublin?