GOLEM – World Theatre Day 2019

(atmospheric music)We live in a world in which
people want for nothing.
We are safe and secure.We are progressive,
we believe in the new.
We live in a world where our
wildest dreams can come true,
our every desire catered to.Leisure, pleasuretime on our hands.We are a high definition
human race.
We wear fantastic colours.We wake every day
with a smile on our face.To understand how we live now,
you need to see how things were before…when life was filled
with contradiction and clutter.When my brother Robert was a nobody,
not an everybody…I used to work in a library,
when libraries still existedand at 30 years of age I hadn’t yet
moved away from my family home.Few of us could afford to then.I lived with my good-natured and
mildly irritating younger brother, Robert.Now that you have assembled
your mechanical bird activate the ON switch
located in beak… and watch in amazement as your
avian automaton flies!Robert and I lived with
our grandmother
who took responsibility for us
after our father, who was a…Tosser.…jazz musician, persuaded
our mother, who was a…Weak woman.…weak woman, to leave us when we were
infants in pursuit of a“pure jazz existence”.As far as I’m aware,
this pure jazz existenceentailed a lot of “skatting”saxophone playing…and swinging in a farm house
in Sussex.Needless to say, jazz is
banned in our house as is the television,
full of sailor smut. Permitted activities…
knitting, whittling, Beethoven and anarchy.Grandma had encouraged us
to stand up for what we believed inand so whilst Robert was
tinkering with gadgets and gizmos,I campaigned.Save the whales,
save the rainforestssave the chimpanzees
and the libraries.and I started
a revolutionary punk band.Five, six, seven, eight! # Ah, Annie and the Underdogs! # Ah, Annie and the Underdogs! # Ah, Ah, Ah, Annie and the Underdogs! # Ah, Ah, Ah, Annie and the Underdogs! # Our songs will strike fear
into the hearts of our oppressors! # Our songs will confound,
they will never conform! # Our music will
ruin your Christmas! # Our music will
ruin your Christmas! (cowbell) A cowbell? PJ, what possessed you to
end the song with a cowbell? We’re not a comedy band. Are you trying to ruin
everything the Underdogs stand for?The band consisted of
people I had met at school.They’d all been mercilessly bullied.On drums, PJ Hooker…picked on for wearing paisley
pyjamas under his school trousers.It was meant to be
an ironic cowbell, Annie. Sorry.On synth, Pissy Pants Penny…picked on for an unfortunate accident
that plagued her school days.There’s too much irony in political
art these days, PJ. Cut the cowbell. Yeah, the cowbell is Fascist. (all giggle) Robert?
ROBERT: Yes? Don’t be silly.And on keytar, my brother Robert
picked on for……just being Robert.Let’s end the song
with a keytar solo. PENNY: That will sound futile.
(keytar note) Can’t we end the song
with a revolutionary fist? We can’t all do the revolutionary
fist at the same time, PJ. Which undermines its impact. Ohhh. We need to practise. On three…one, two, three… Sorry, was that on three
or after three? After three. One, two, three and… What’s the “and”? You didn’t
say you were going to say “and”? I’ll say one, two, three and… Sorry, Annie?
Are you saying “and” or “hand”? It doesn’t matter!
I’ll say one, two, three and hand… Okay. One, two, three
ALL: And hand! Do “and hand”, don’t say “and hand”! ROBERT and PJ: Sorry.
Sorry.When we started the band
we had big plans.And hand! Good work, PJ. Thanks.Our songs of anger and protest
would inspire an uprising!And hand! Well done, Penny. Thank you.Our music would be mightier
than sword and pen!And hand! Robert, go and practise.
Where’s your hat?But we never actually played a gig
due to crippling stage fright…and 15 years later the band still
practised once a month in our basementwearing outfits knitted
by our grandma.# Ah! Annie and the Underdogs! I think you got it wrong
that time, Annie. No, I didn’t.Routines, rituals.
That was how we lived.
Even as adults, Grandma insisted on
making our packed lunches every day
a ritual both comforting and……a little cloying.Corned beef today! My favourite. Thanks, Gran. It was your mother’s favorite too. Well… before she abandoned you both
in pursuit of hedonism. I wonder if she still
smokes cheroots and dies that beautiful
red hair black? Your Grandad Sydney always said it
made her look like Colonel Gaddafi. Morning, Sydney!We lived in the crumbling suburb
of a city as filthy and chaotic
as any other in those days.Our suburb backed onto the garbage
strewn wastelands
where homeless war veterans slept.The empty historic town houses
owned by Russian oligarchs.
Meat Street, where Robert
ate every day
and everything was cooked in aspic,
a sort of bone jelly.
Today we’ve got:
Aspic curry, beef blancmange Jelly-covered duck a l’orange Queen of puddings, jelly-style Left ’em out in the sun for a while Bones in jelly, jelly in bones Bone jelly in ice cream cones.My brother Robert was quiet,
At school, he was that boy who was
always picked last for rounders.
Robert had never had a girlfriend.He still said, “Ugh! They’re kissing”
if watching a romantic movie.
He didn’t care much
for his personal appearance,
he often had dried toothpaste
in the corners of his mouth,
he smelt faintly of unwashed hair……and mathematics.He was the sort of man who
attracted abuse from builders,
hen parties, school children,even street clowns.But Robert was lucky to leave school
and stumble into a job
where everybody was, well,
just like Robert.
It was when he was working in the
backup department that he met Joy.
Hello, I’m Joy.
I’m here for the interview. I’m a highly unmotivated individual I do not ooze ambition. I don’t put in overtime.
I don’t always reach deadlines. I’m not a paradigm of
professionalism. I don’t always work
to the best of my abilities. I don’t go the extra mile.
Or try to be the best. I don’t cope well in
high pressure environments. Uh…oh, I do not
cope well with stress, I’m not that smartly dressed.
I don’t believe presentation is key. I don’t exercise regularly. I’m not on any teams. I don’t know
if I’d be an asset to any team. JULIAN: Were you popular at school? No. ALL: Joy, you’ve got the job. Great! JULIAN: Any questions? Hmm…
oh, what will I be doing? JULIAN: Oh, let us explain. Here at the backup department
we back up the backup. You back up the backup? We pencil binary code into ledgers.
Ones and zeroes. Zeroes and ones. Ones and zeroes. Zeroes and… Ones?
ALL: Yes! # Backing up the backup. It might be dull to the outside eye. # Backing up the backup. But it keeps us more than satisfied. # Backing up the backup. They’ll be thankful
when the power dies. # Backing up the backup. Zeroes and ones… # Backing up the backup. we really do have fun. # Backing up the backup. Ones and zeroes… # Backing up the backup we’re binary heroes. Yes, I’m Back Up Man,
binary super hero and this is my trusty sidekick,
Robert. Yeah, I’m Robert. Hi, Robert. Oh hi, Joy. I’m Jenny. And I’m Jenny too. We’re the Jennies. Hello, Jennies? I’m Julian, office comedian
and supervisor. Any problems, Joy, come to me.
I’m in charge. JENNIES: No you’re not, Julian. Well, he is unofficially… Now Joy, you’ll be replacing Marjory
as the head of stationary. Golly. Marjory died recently, she was 101. She died in binary. Crumbs. JENNIES: She lived for 2Bs… Well, I hope I can fill her shoes… # Backing up the backup. Zeroes and ones. # Backing up the backup. We really do have fun. # Backing up the backup. Ones and zeroes. # Backing up the backup. We are binary heroes. Julian, 110 0010? 10 010. 011 1101? 111…0. Say hello to the new
head of stationary. Oh, Joy! Pretty as a pencil. 110! To Joy! To Joy! Welcome to the team. Thanks, team. This is our favourite pub,
The Pig and Pistoleer. They serve sausages, cabaret… And beer. That’s the jukebox that only plays
Northern Soul and that’s the Soviet fruit machine. Our favourite act is Ruby Tuesday Now, she’s on tonight. But the landlord, Les,
is quite the star himself. He used to have an act in Las Vegas,
theWilliam Tellwhere he’d shoot an apple
from the head of his first wife. Well, until it went wrong one night. (chuckles) Yeah. But he still does it
when he’s very drunk. Joy, we’re going to the ladies to play with the condom machine. Do you want to come with us? (sniggers) Yeah, okay. Julian, I don’t dare speak to Joy
in case I say something stupid I wish I was confident
around the women like you are. Well, the thing about women, Robert,
is they’re attracted to certain pheromones. Right. Now, I happen to have
very powerful pheromones Oh!
JULIAN: Women flock to me. The Jennies, for example… Yeah? They can hardly keep their
hands off me. They undress me with their eyes. LES: Ladies and Gentlemen
(clears throat) is everybody all right? Yeah. It’s Monday night
here at The Pig and Pistoleer. If you don’t like Mondays, say boo!
ALL: Boo! Well folks, there’s only one
thing for us to do. Hey, get that dog away from there! There’s only one woman who can
chase away those Monday blues. She’ll take you to exotic climes
with her foreign dancing and her ruby red shoes. That’s right, it’s Monday night and it’s time for… Ruby Tuesday! # I’m here to take away your Monday
blues, I’m Ruby Tuesday # I don’t come cheap, I got
grandkids to feed, I’m Ruby Tuesday # Give me a shilling
and I’ll do-si-do # An English pound
and I’ll wash your clothes # A three ‘n’ six’ll make
your heart just stop # Twenty quid to see me belly flop? Oh, I’m too old to be swinging
me jacksie all over the place. This is how much I love the
grandkids, I’ll tell you that, Les. God’s sake. # I’m here to take away your
Monday blues, I’m Ruby Tuesday. LES: Time at the bar folks,
time at the bar. Time at the bar folks,
time at the bar.On Friday nights, Robert walked
past all the ‘Late Night Liquor’
and all the ‘Legs, Legs, Legs’.Cheap hairspray mingled with
congealed pizza cheese
and rotten fruit from the exotic
cocktail lounges
where girls served a lethal punchwearing nothing but headdresses
piled with bruised bananas.
Robert was en route to his favourite
shop to visit Phil Sylocates
or Phil ‘Sweaty Pits’ as he’d
been known at school.
Phil Sylocates was a boy genius
who had left school at 16
and bought a cheap premises
in the red-light district
which he had transformed into…Phil Sylocate’s Genuine
Automated Dog Walkerswhich then closed to become…Phil Sylocate’s Genuine
Avian Automatonswhich closed promptly, and became…Phil Sylocate’s Genuine
Robotic Rubik’s Cube Resolvers Ohh…Robert bought all of Phil’s
They cluttered Robert’s room and
tended to malfunction after a week.
None of us knew then what a
true genius Phil Sylocates was
and who could have guessed how life-
changing his new creation would be?
Welcome to Phil Sylocate’s
Genuine Golems. ‘But what is a Golem?’
I hear you ask Well, let me tell you!
A Golem is a man made of clay! With no free will who can only obey!
I can see your disbelief. Good grief! I hear you say
but don’t dismay, you heard me right and tonight, Sir!
Well, it’s your lucky night! How was that, Robert?
My sales pitch? Oh, I thought it wasveryintriguing,
and it rhymed. Thanks…I wondered whether to start
with a demonstration, Robert but the book I’ve been reading on
how to market new products, Robert suggested I hook them in first
with the spiel, Robert. They said, ‘Start with the spiel –
then get friendly’, Robert. That’s why I’m repeatedly using
your name. Am I being over-friendly? Oh no, you’re doing
an excellent job, Phil. Oh, well.
Here comes the demonstration. Now, watch this. Golems, say hello to Robert. Oh, they’re alive? Yes. How did you do that? By means of a simple and
easy to master incantation, Robert. You can wake your Golem
and put him to sleep at the end of every day. What you use him for in between… is up to you.A Golem can only do
what its master tells it to.
Remember, Robert.
You are in control.
Goodnight, Golem. Hello, dear. I’m Robert’s Grandma.
What’s your name? He’s called Golem. Hello, Golem. Welcome. What’s a Golem? A clay man who obeys
my every command. Sounds like a gimmick, a cheap trick. Trust me, Annie. This one’s terrific. Well I don’t think it should
be sat at the table with us. Why not? It’s a massive clay man, Robert.
Please make it go away. Stay, Golem! Annie, Golem is our guest.
He might have different customs to us. He might not speak any English
or wear any clothes. But that’s just the way
things are where Golem’s from. Isn’t that right, Golem?
Now sit down, dear. We don’t want to look at it
while we’re having breakfast. Morning, Sydney! Today, we’ve got kedgeree
covered in slime (Hope it bloody sets in time) Jelly all over your Sunday roast
Aspic-covered beans on toast and finally, if you’re treating your mum,
our dish of the day… Pedigree Chum. Here’s one…
what do you call binary containing more than
just ones and zeroes? I don’t know, Julian. What do you call binary containing
more than just ones and zeroes? Two… much work! (the Jennies laugh) It’s the way I tell them.
Isn’t that right, Robert? Who’s that?!
JENNY ONE: What’s that?! JENNY TWO: That’s not Robert!
JOY: Where is Robert? I’m right here. Uh, Robert, what is that? He’s called a Golem. He’s a clay man
who obeys my every command. Oh! This morning he’s made my breakfast,
ironed my shirt and now he’s helping with my work. Oh, he’s finished already. ALL: 1101! Robert, where’d you get Golem from? Quite something, isn’t he? Yeah, I want one. He completed
your work in a fraction of the time. If you ask him nicely… Do you think he’d do mine?
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my work but I’d like to have it done for me. Then I could move into
a position of real authority a role that would come more
naturally to someone like me.Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Tuesday
night here at The Pig and Pistoleer
if you don’t like Tuesdays, say boo!
Boo!Well folks, there’s only
one thing for us to do
I won’t use bows and arrowsI won’t use a knifeBut with my trusty pocket pistol…
WIFE: (sobs)I will shoot an apple
from the head of my wife!
WIFE: (hums tune a la William Tell)Don’t cry, love.
Come on, dry your tears.
She’s crying ’cause she’s happy.Argh!Get the doctor.What a smashing day we’ve had, Golem.
You really are smashing. Oh well, work tomorrow.
I’d best put you to sleep. What happened there? Well, how strange… You look a little green
around the gills, Golem. Uh, you’ve not got a temperature. It’s too late to call Phil Sylocates.
Er, I shall ring in the morning. Well, goodnight Golem. Goodnight, Robert. Goodnight. Oh, I didn’t know you could do that. Golem can talk.
Golem can rhyme. Golem was playing up before bedtime. Well, it’s bedtime now, Golem. Robert commands, Golem obeys. Sleep the dreamless sleep of clay. I’m going to put you
to sleep right away. That’s a very good idea, my dear. Goodnight, Golem. Goodnight, Robert. He talks.
I hope that doesn’t get annoying. Perhaps I’d best telephone
Phil Sylocates after all. Just to be on the safe side.Good evening, you’re through to
Phil Sylocate’s Genuine Golems
Sorry, is Phil there?If you wish to pre-order
a Golem, dial 1.
If you want to find out more about
Genuine Golems, dial 2.
If you already own a Genuine Golem,
please dial 3.
To repeat this menu, press star.(phone beeps)If you already own a Genuine Golemand have noticed anything
out of the ordinary
hold to speak to an
experienced member of staff.
-Or feel free to hang upsafe in the knowledge that your
Golem is undergoing slight changes
so he can function faster
and more efficiently.
Well I never! Phil Sylocates
with staff and an answer phone. Nothing to worry about, Golem Turns out that you’re just
going through slight changes. Everything is quite all right.-Mr Sylocates.
-Oh! That’s me.What a charming shop you have here.Uh, thank you very much.And the Golem.
What a quaint idea.
Cheers!We think everyone should
own their very own Golem.
Can you imagine, Mr Sylocates?But I’ve only made three
and have sold one.But imagine if you
could make three million.
That’s impossible, you see I’m an
independent trader I do everything just me.Would you consider partnership?Absolutely not, I’m a lone wolf.
I’m a one-man band. I’m 100% independent, the answer is
resolutely no way, now good day.-Mr Sylocates?
-Yes?We could make you a very rich man.A very rich man? Well why didn’t you say? Who would I be going into
partnership with, by the way? Who are you?We are in the business
of making dreams come true
Of turning pie-in-the-sky ideas
into reality.
We have the means to manufacture
Golem on a worldwide scale.
Our factories are the best in the world.We care for our workers.We treat every man
as an individual.
And each and every Golem
would be lovingly handmade.
We have the means to support you
and your ideas, Mr Sylocates.
We hear you’ve been working
on how to make them talk.
What an idea! The customer
tells Golem what he wants
Golem tells us, and vice versa.Eat your greens, clear your plate. Right-o. Brush your teeth, don’t be late. I’ll certainly try. Don’t forget your latch keys,
don’t forget your hat. Don’t forget you’re only human,
don’t forget to feed the cat. He can rhyme.
GOLEM: Hmm. Lickety spick, spickety span ROBERT: Spickety…
Golems mop the floor and scrub the pans.
ROBERT: Well done, Golem. Eat your greens, clear –
ANNIE: Robert, can you shut him up? Oh, uh, I don’t think so. It’s very clever. It’s a bit weird,
is it meant to speak? Oh yes, Golem’s been updated. Updated? So someone has
access to Golem? Someone other than you? Oh, I’d not thought about it
like that, Annie. He’s my Golem, I bought him. I’ll go and make your packed lunches. No need, Gran. Golem’s made us lunch
today to save you the trouble. He’s made us tortillas. But we eat sandwiches! Sorry. But we don’t eat
tortillas at lunchtime. A tortilla is a Mexican pancake,
often filled with beans. Boudicea, hmm…
was a Celtic warrior queen. Very clever, Golem. So it rhymes and spouts random facts? And it makes tortillas. Smashing…isn’t he? Smashing…Golem had disrupted the
Robertsons’ domestic routine.
I’ve always made the sandwiches…But perhaps we were a little
stuck in our ways
When Golem with
his new power of speech
started enthusing over adverts
for shops and services…
Designer meets high street.…Robert thought nothing of it.Golem could only mimic
and spout random facts…
…couldn’t he?Shoes, shoe sale.
Do not miss. Buy one get one free,
today only. We’re going to be late for
work, Golem. Please come along. You’re the boss, Robert.
ROBERT: Yes I am. You tell me what to do.
ROBERT: That’s right. You know your own mind,
and my mind too. Yes I do.
GOLEM: But don’t you think you’d look swell in
those yellow shoes? No. Golem, you’ve got me all wrong. I’m the sort of man who wears brown. I could never parade around
in something so bold. What do I know?
I’m a lump of clay. But a Monday wouldn’t seem so grey
in a pair of yellow shoes. But you know best. Yes I do, and I’m not about to indulge in new shoes, and that’s that. Such fine leather, the perfect size. Joy would drop her
pencil in surprise. The others would think
you were spontaneous… Spontaneous?
GOLEM: and stylish too. Oh…
GOLEM: But of course, it’s up to you. No, nobody would expect me,
Robert Robertson, to walk into work in a pair of yellow shoes. Pah!Joy and Robert…
Robert and Joy.
Mrs Joy Robertson.Don’t be silly, Joy.
You don’t stand a chance
with a hunk like Robert Robertson.Golly, I’d love to take Robert
to Keswick Pencil Museum.
Jennies, Joy. When I become
your official supervisor you can just call me Julian… Official Supervisor. JENNIES and JOY: Thanks, Julian. Robert may refer to me
as Backup Man but only in social situations. Julian, where is Robert? I’m right here. Sorry, dropped my pencil in surprise. Joy, would you like to come to band
practice with me tonight? I won’t take no for an answer. Unless of course you’re busy,
in which case it would be unreasonable to insist. Well…well I’ve really got a lot of
2Bs I should… I should probably sharpen
but, um… Yes! Smashing. Oh God…I feel sick. # Annie and the Underdogs! # Annie and the Underdogs! # Annie and the Underdogs! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ahh!I remember the night Robert
brought Joy to band practice.
I’d never seen him
with a lady before.
At school Robert was
never very popular.
The boys used to say
he looked like a girl in a wig.
Annie, PJ, Penny, this is Joy. JOY: Hi, gang.
ALL: Hi, Joy. Robert, you should have
asked us before you brought your friend to band
practice, that’s the rule. But, Penny…we’re a band
of revolutionary outlaws whose aim is to strike fear
into the hearts of our oppressors. We don’t have rules.
Do we, Annie? No, but Penny is right, Robert. You should have asked before
you brought Joy, but you’re here now. JOY: But I don’t play anything…
ANNIE: Well that’s all right, Joy. We’re not really a musical band… we’re political. ROBERT: Yeah, our songs aim to
ruin people’s Christmas. (they giggle) Robert, it sounds stupid
when you say it like that. Maybe I should go. No, stay Joy. We really need someone to…
turn the lights on and off? Great. Robert, are you wearing high heels? Well, they’re Cuban. Man heels. Oh, man heels… Joy, this is a song
called Snoop and Pry. It’s about the
television programmers who encourage people to view
intimidation and cruelty as everyday events…PJ: I can’t believe Robert’s
got a girlfriend…
must be those man heels.I wonder if Annie would like me
if I wore man heels?
Then we’d be a band of couples.Oh, and Penny.PENNY: Can’t believe Robert’s
got a girlfriend…
it must be those man heels.I wonder if Annie would like me
if I wore man heels?
Then we’d be a band of couples.Oh, and PJ…PJ might have to leave.…exposing them to people,
humiliating themselves and ripping each other apart
emotionally just to get viewing figures. Great. Five, six, seven, eight… # After a hard day’s work # watch people crying. # Really crying. # After a hard day’s work # laugh at desperate people. # After a hard day’s work # watch people being nasty
to one another! # And now for a word # from our sponsor… Two, three, four! # Snoop and pry and bitch and spy
and laugh at people that are stupid! # Snoop and pry and bitch and spy # and look at her disgusting sitting room! # Snoop and pry and bitch and watch
the fat secretary go on a diet. # Snoop and pry and bitch and spy
and now for a word from our sponsor… (keytar solo) Robert, stop showing off. # Oh, it’s just a bit of fun
sourpuss! # Oh, it’s just a bit of fun! # Oh, it’s just a bit of fun
sourpuss! # Oh, it’s just a bit of fun! # Snoop and pry and bitch and spy
and laugh at people who are stupid # Snoop and pry and bitch and spy # and watch more trivia with Stephen Fry # Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry,
Stephen Fry, snoop and pry! Joy, I think you just
fused the lights. Sorry. What a busy day, Golem. Well, time for bed. -Robert, you’re the boss…
-Yes, I am. -You know best.
-Yes, I do. But I couldn’t help noticing
how much there is to do. What do you mean? There’s dust everywhere. Oh. The fridge needs defrosting. Ugh, that can wait. The plughole’s full of hair. We’ll do it tomorrow. Domestic chores are such a bore. Golem can clean
whilst Robert snores. But you’d have to stay up all night. I am Golem, I need not eat. I am Golem, I need not sleep. Well I suppose that’s true,
what harm can it do? You can put me
to sleep for a change. Robert, Robert, sleep the
dreamless sleep of clay I am Golem, obey. You are Golem, I obey. I am Robert, made of clay? # Rockabye Robert,
on the treetop # When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock # When the bow breaks,
the cradle will fall # Down will come Robert,
cradle and all. The woman from the perfume adverts. No more tantrums, no more hurt. Golem? High definition human race, soft focus government,
a smile on your face. Golem? Everything was good for a while in the ’80s… wasn’t it? Golem, what are you doing? Golem, Golem, clean the loft Golem found mice, Golem found moths Golem found a colour TV
to keep poor Golem company. Please turn it off. Robert commands me, not Annie. Where is Robert? Robert dreams, Robert snores Golem does domestic chores. I adore Benedict Cumberbatch. Please turn it off,
I’m trying to get to sleep. Robert’s asleep. Who controls Golem
whilst Robert’s asleep? Who’s controlling Golem now? Morning, I’m going shopping. No need, Gran. Golem’s
done the shopping for a month. Call now for next day delivery. Why queue when we can bring the
groceries to you? But, but I always do the shopping, Golem. Put your feet up, Granny.
I’ll bring you a nice cup of tea. I don’t want a cup of tea. Old folk like company, and tend to
watch lots of TV. Not me. I adore Helen Mirren. I’ll be in my room. Ooh, put your feet up Gran,
we’ll bring you a nice cup of tea. Annie, Golem’s done the shopping
without leaving the house. I saved a pretty penny,
and pennies make pounds. Pop it in the pig
for when the rain comes down. He sounds like an advert. Have you been to the Moulin Rouge? Moulin Rouge? Ah, don’t bovva! Robert, why didn’t you put it
to sleep last night? But Annie, look how much more
he can do when he doesn’t sleep. Why, he’s done all the shopping. I’ve cleaned the loft. Well, he’s caught all the mice. I’ve exterminated the moths. He’s laid on a hearty breakfast,
and caught up on the news. Bum’s the word! She’s a new mum with a great bum. Leaving us free to snooze! Asylum, you’re right to worry. Now Golem tells us what to eat what to buy, where to shop… and I think he’s been
reading the Daily Mail. Oh, Sydney. How depressing to be
described as one of the “old folk” “Old folk tend to watch lots of TV” “Put your feet up, I’ll make you
a nice cup of tea.” Is that how everybody sees me?
Is that all that’s expected of me? Silly old woman,
talking to herself. Well this has got to
stop for a start, Sydney. It’s a silly old
woman’s thing to do… I have passions, vices, an impressive record collection. I refuse to be seen
as an old stick-in-the-mud! Something drastic is required… Don’t look at me like that! Grandma, your hair… Oh, this?
Jazzy, isn’t it? I liked it the way it was. Things change, Annie. We can’t
stay in the dark ages forever and it’s been proven that
blondes have more fun. Look how jolly she is
eating that yoghurt. A television at the breakfast table? Golem likes watching the adverts. Fantastic colours.
Slow motion. The solution to pollution. Buy a camera. I can’t tell where the advert ends
and the soap opera begins. Grandma, you always said television
was the opiate of the masses. I’m not watching it, Golem is. Oh, there’s a news
programme on, Annie. You like news. Sweatshop? Sweatshop?
Well at least they’ve got a job. (Golem malfunctions) Has this programme got
Benedict Cumberbatch in it? No, it’s the news, Golem.
Benedict isn’t on the news. News?
Don’t bovva! (Golem malfunctions) I don’t mind them coming here
if they don’t spit on the street. What’s the matter with it? I don’t mind them coming here
if they don’t spit-roast our royal swans. I don’t mind them coming here
if they learn to speak how we speak. Do you remember the Child Catcher
from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Golem? (digital sounds as Golems malfunctions) Golem? Golem? Robert, I think it’s broken. Golem’s dead.
He’s on his way to Heaven! Shut up, Gran. Perhaps it’s for the best. You can shut up too. (faint knocking) (loud knocking) I’ll get the door. Well, at least things can
get back to normal now. GRAN: Ah, Robert!
Gran? GRAN: Annie!
Gran? GRAN: What’s going on?
Who are you? I am Golem…Version Two. ANNIE: What?
ROBERT: Golem who? What can Golem do for you? I am Golem…Version Two. What can Golem do for you? I’m portable, I’m petite. I’m nifty, I’m neat. I can shrink, I can grow. Take me everywhere you go. Come on, Robert. Let’s go.Old Golem became
a thing of the past in minutes.
Robert hurried off to work like a
little boy
with a brand new action figure.Today we’ve got coffee. I have fashionable boots,
a great haircut. I can jump so high. Hey, Robert.
I’m over here! Golem Two can fly! Say ‘yes’ to next day delivery. Yes! Say ‘yes’ to progress. Yes! Move with the times,
or you’ll be left behind! Well, I don’t want to be left behind.Meet Phil Sylocates.Entrepreneur, technical genius,powerful industrialist.Philanthropist, animal loverand the man behind Golem.Phil Sylocates endorses
Golem Version Two.
Old Golem is a thing of the past. Move with the times,
or you’ll be left behind. Now that I’ve got my very own Golem he can take care of my work
while I practise supervising. Hurry up, Joy. Julian. JENNIES: You’re not the supervisor yet. Not yet, Jennies. But it’s
promotion day tomorrow Don’t you forget! Isn’t that right,
Robert’s Golem? What on Earth is that? It’s Golem Version Two. Uh, he’s new and improved. ALL: Oh! Exceeds old Golem
ten times the speed. JULIAN: Ten?
JENNY ONE: times the JOY: speed?
ROBERT: Ten times the speed! Oh, what! But this thing
cost me a bloody fortune! Move with the times, Julian,
or you’ll be left behind. I’m trying, Robert. Do you want to be a nobody
or, or an everybody? A nobody…
oh no, an everybody! What? Hurry up! Work harder with the help
of Golem Version Two. Improve, renew,
update your CV. Supervising position
coming up at work. Oh, no, Golem… Julian is applying for
the supervisor position. Julian is competition not friend, but foe. Oh? Update your CV, it’s yours. Trust me. A supervisor? Me?Robert had never been ambitious.He would never have dreamt of
applying for the supervisor role
Julian had coveted for so long…but Robert seemed happy to do
whatever Golem Two suggested.
And it wasn’t just Robert’s life
that Golem Two was affecting.
Listen to those strings! Beethoven…you tease… What was that? I am Golem…Version Two. Oh, it’s you. What can Golem do for you? I’m quite all right, thank you, Golem… where’s he gone? I see you’re running out of wool knitting needles, threads and twine. -Out of the wool, please.
-Special deal, tonight at nine. -Golem…Golem, please.
-Special deal, tonight at nine. Special deal tonight at- Stop that incessant rhyming
and star jumping! Stop vanishing! Where is that little shit? Poor Gran, poor Gran, poor Gran sitting here all alone. I like being alone actually, Golem.
I don’t need your- Let’s power up the television. What are you talking about? Let’s plug in the telephone. Off the vinyl! Golem? I don’t understand. What’s going on?Tonight’s special offer is the
Knit-quick-o…what?…knit, stitch and sew
whilst on the go.
-Why stay static…when you could
get the Knitquickomatic?
I beg your pardon, dear?One minute remaining.So simple to do. Dial 1, 2.It’s easy as pie, dial 3, 4, 5.Tell us your name,
tell us your name
-tell us your name!
-It’s Mrs Robertson!Place your order.Place your order.-Place your order.
-Knitquickomatic, please.Congratulations, you are now the
proud owner of a Knitquickomatic.
For next day delivery
say “yes please”
For next day delivery
say “yes please”
For next day delivery…say “yes please.”Yes please. What have I bought? Move with the times
or you’ll be left behind. Say yes to progress. Say yes to next day delivery. JENNIES: Congratulations, Julian! Official Supervisor! JENNY ONE: Hip, hip
JENNY TWO: Hurray! hurray! -I didn’t get it.
JENNIES: What? I don’t understand they’ve given it to
somebody else. JENNIES: Oh… Wait till I tell Robert. Supervising position
coming up at work. Update your CV. It’s yours, trust me. Congratulations, Robert. Oh, call me Supervisor. Supervisor. Robert, how does Julian feel
about your promotion? Oh Joy, Julian is competition,
not friend but foe. -Oh?
-So, what do you think of Cafe Parisien? All the stars of the silver screen
used to come here. It’s great! I feel just like
a French movie star. I feel like Gerard Depardieu. Bonjour, and welcome
to the Cafe Parisien. Ce soir we have a singer who has come all the way
from the pits of despair just to sing for you.
Madames and monsieurs please welcome to the stage everybody’s favourite
broken-hearted man! It’s Les Miserables! (light applause) Mon amour is no more And now life is a chore She has passed, she is gone My heart beats… …like a bomb. Long promenades down by the sea I would talk, she’d agree We made love every morning
before ballet school In the afternoons, went
skinny dipping in the public pool She fed me grapes, we drank wine I told little jokes,
she laughed all the time (laughs) (sobs) So naive,
ah, she was so coy! She made me feel like a… king just like a little boy! Her beauty made life worth living The joy she was giving When I was with her,
I lost track of all time. She made me so happy
I laughed all the time! (laughs) (sobbing) Oh God! How can I go on? How?! Have you seen her?
Has anybody seen her?! How can I go on, how? So young, so beautiful… and look at her now… # Mon amour!
LES: She looks like her mother! # Mon amour!
LES: I deserve another! # Mon amour!
LES: A cruel twist of fate! # Mon amour.
LES: She has put on so much weight. Mon amour… is… # no more! (light applause) Robert, will you still like me
when I’m old and fat? Oh, Joy, I’m not a
fair-weather kind of fellow. Robert, I really do like you. Oh Joy, I really do like you too. Oh! Golem, you’ve spilled
absinthe everywhere! Golem Two will take the blame Golem Two can remove stains. Let’s get cleaned up, pronto. See you back here in a jiffy, Joy. Great. Soap, please. Joy is kind. Yes, she is. Joy is sweet. Oh, she’s very sweet. But wouldn’t you prefer a girl
who was young and petite? No, Golem. I like Joy. Joy is a frumpy 35-year-old who wants to trick you
into having babies. Babies? -Robert, you’re a modern man.
-Yes… You have infinite opportunities. The modern man won’t be trapped by a frumpy 35-year-old who wants babies. You’re the boss, Robert. Yes. You tell me what to do. Well, that’s true. You know your own mind,
and my mind too. I do. But perhaps it’s time
to bid Joy adieu. Is it too much for a man
to want a beautiful wife? Is it too much to want
someone worthy of my tender love and affection? Shut up in there, pig! Golem, where are we going? We can’t just leave Joy.
Can we? I must say, this feels very naughty but also rather thrilling. Golem, you are wild. Oh, I’m a bit old to be down
this part of town I’m not dressed right.
Oh, a boutique! Joy was nice,
but you can do better. Get a haircut, throw away
that old sweater. You’re the boss, and you
deserve the best. The world’s your oyster
if you’re fashionably dressed! The world’s your oyster
if you’re fashionably dressed! Well the world is your oyster
if you’re fashionably dressed. You’re a modern man you have infinite opportunities. Play the field sow your wild oats. The modern man need
not settle for one lady. The modern man need
not settle for one lady. Hello? Robert Robertson here. I’ve come to go…courting. Not really done this before. Actually, I was in the
middle of my first –Are you a woman…
looking for a woman?
Are you a man…
looking for a man?
Are you a man…
looking for a woman?
Are you a woman…
looking for a man?
I’m a man who’s looking for a – a woman who’s
looking for a man, I think?Perfect match.Well, what can I tell you about me?
I’m looking for a sensitive man I’m looking for a handy man,
I’m looking for a man in a band I’m looking for a man with a van,
I’m looking for a man who can I’m looking for a man who just knows I’m looking for a man with a woolly
hat, twigs for arms stones for eyes, and a
carrot for a nose. I’m just looking for a man. Literally, any man. Well, what can I tell you about me? I love animals, all animals every single animal. I love cats,
dogs, guinea pigs, frogs puffer fish, proboscis monkeys,
short-nosed bandicoots. I exercise frequently.Personality preference.-Oh…
-Do you prefer decisiveor indecisive women?Indecisive, please.Perfect match.Well, what can I tell you about me…? uh…oh… um, oh…oh, I – Sorry, could I actually have a look
at one of the decisive ladies? Thanks.Perfect match.I’d like a polo champ, red trousers loves dogs – German schnauzers,
Eton Mess at Pimm’s O’Clock knows his way around a shuttlecock. Ruddy cheeks receding hairline oh, and he’s got to own
his own airline.Widen your search.Okay.Catch more potential partners.Oh…good idea.Everyone’s a potential partner.-Right.
-Double the trouble.Sorry, what was that?
Meet two women at a time.Two? Yes please.Perfect match.Well, what can I tell you about me?
Woolly hatsWell, what can I tell you about me?
The environmentWell, what can I tell you about me?
Fluffy catsWell, what can I tell you about me?Art?The arts? I like the arts?# I love animals, all animals
#I love animals, all animals# every single animal, I love
#every single animal, I love# cats, dogs, guinea pigs, frogs
#animals, all animals# every single animal
#every single animal# I’m looking for a man with a band
#I’m looking for a man# for a man who can, for a man
#I’m looking for a woolly hat# in a band, for a man who can, I’m
#twigs for arms, stones for eyes# looking for a man who just knows
#and a carrot for a nose# Well, what can I tell you about me?
#Woolly hats# Well, what can I tell you about me?
#The environment# Well, what can I tell you about me?
#Fluffy cats# Well, what can I tell you about me? # I love animals, all animals
#I love animals, all animals# every single animal, I love
#every single animal, I love# cats, dogs, guinea pigs, frogs
#animals, all animals# every single animal
#every single animal# Travelling through Tibet
#Traveling through Tibet# helped me put my life
#helped me put my life# in perspective.
#in perspective.Well, I am the boss. I do deserve the best. The world is your oyster
if you’re… fashionably dressed. I’m a modern man. I have infinite opportunities. The modern man need not
settle for one lady. I am Golem… Version Two. What can Golem do for you? You look like a tosser. -It’s fashion, Annie.
-It’s a romper suit. -It’s not a romper suit!
-What are you doing? Golem is helping with
my hand-to-eye coordination. Who are they?
ROBERT: My girlfiends. What about Joy? Joy is a frumpy 35-year-old who wants
to trick me into having babies. Grandma, what is that? Knitquickomatic. Knit, stitch and
sew whilst on the go. Why stay static when you
can get the Knitquickomatic? What’s happening? Robert, you’re being controlled
by your Golem. And Grandma, you are too. I’m perfectly in control
of my life, Annie, thank you. Golem just knows what I want
before I do. Annie, I think you’re
being a little dramatic Robert’s just wearing
a silly outfit, that’s all. Calm down, dear.
It’s only a romper suit. It’s not a romper suit! Golem simply tries to make life
a little more comfortable. You sound like an advert. I’m an old lady, Annie.
I don’t want to be left behind. The Robertsons are simply
moving with the times! What’s that noise? The building work. We’re modernising the house!Golem Two was everywhere.Old unwanted Golems lined
the streets like
Christmas trees in January.Golem Two was everywhere.[music becomes more digital]Hello, Joy.Get ready to sharpen.Go.Sharpen, grind,
buff, good work.
Sharpen, grind,
buff, good work.
Two minute break.
Two minute break.
I’ve just come to hand in my things. Give me the pencil, Julian. Bye, Joy. Bye, Julian. Goodbye. Jennies. Bye, Julian. Team, talking slows progress. Yes, Robert… Supervisor.Speed up, Joy. Speed up.Speed up, Joy. Speed up.Supervisor’s attention required.Supervisor’s attention required.Joy! You need to speed up
Speed up. Speed up.to keep up with the machine!
Joyspeed up, keep up
I’m trying, Robert! Call me Supervisor!
keep up, keep up.Sharpen, grind, buff.
Keep up, Joy.
Sharpen, grind, buff,
speed up.
Sharpen, grind, buff, sharpenGrind, buff.
Keep up, Joy.
Speed up. Keep up, Joy.Speed up, sharpen.Grind, buff, sharpen,
grind, buff, speed up, speed…
Robert’s supervisor role
didn’t make him very popular at work.
Oh, and Robert’s new fashion
outfit chafed a little.
But Robert had two girlfriends,
a position of power
a bigger pay cheque, a renovated
house, a contemporary style
and Golem Two introduced him to Go Friendswhere Robert signed up for
a whopping 7,000 friends.
He was a fully functioning
modern man
and there was only one thing
holding him back.
# Ah! Annie and the Underdogs # Ah! Annie and the Underdogs And…that’s where Robert’s
keytar solo would come in. Annie, it’s not the same
without Robert. I know, PJ. Robert? We didn’t know
if you were coming. Well, we thought you’d left the band we just presumed you didn’t want
to be an Underdog anymore. Now that you’re a supervisor
with a fashion outfit. Annie said she heard you
listening to U2 in the bath. And what with us being a band of
revolutionary outlaws who shun the mainstream, we questioned
your commitment to the band. I’m glad you haven’t left. It wouldn’t be the same without you. We need the futuristic sound
of the keytar if we’re going to shake
the foundations of society. Shake the foundations of society
said Robert.Songs that will ruin people’s Christmas
he guffawed.Listen to yourselves,
it’s embarrassing.And then it just fell apart,
Robert said he was leaving the band.
I should have left years ago. Singing angry little songs
in a damp basement is pitiful. You need to grow up, Annie,
move with the times. If you really want to change
the world with your music you need to be more like… Bono. But first you need to get rid of
these three losers they’re not here for the
politics, Annie. They’re not here for the music. PJ’s only here because
he fancies you. Oh no. And Penny’s only here because
she fancies you as well. Penny? Sorry. And I don’t know why
you’re still here, Joy. To do the lights. It’s pathetic, Annie. You’re pathetic.And then he left.Our band, and everything
it stood for
reduced to a little gameinsignificant, ridiculousand all because of…Say yes to progress.I felt it rise up within me.Move with the times,
or you’ll be left behind.This is what Ned Ludd
must have felt like.
Do you want to be a nobody,
or an everybody?All I had to do
was destroy Golem Two
and everything would
return to normal.
Robert would return to normal.It became crystal clear in my headand then I saw red.What are you? [in a digitally breaking up voice]
We can be whatever you want us to bewe are the poison and the remedy,
the morning paper, the colour TV.
We rewrite history before your eyesas we distract you
with glittery trinkets
freak shows, new shoes.Breathe, blink, press Buy Now!We politely and inconspicuously
dictate your every move.
Annie, we’re nice,
we’re all very nice
a tropical paradise, on ice.We have tattoos, alternative tasteswe are the face behind the face
behind the face behind the face
the ambient soundtrack,
original fake.
The remake of the remake
of the remake of the remake.
Giggle at the antics
of your city mayor
as we sell your country
to a foreign investor
and convince you
he’s always been there.
We bought your family home,
we own your family tree
we bought the gas, we bought
the water, we own the electricity
we give to charity,
we love philanthropy.
Annie, why fight what
cannot be fought?
Everything has a price,
everyone can be bought.
Art, the arts, we love the artswe love the radical,
we love the new.
Annie, we love people like you.Annie, we need people like you.All I had to dowas destroy Golem Twoand everything would
return to normal…
or so I thought.Introducing Golem Version Three.Our satisfied customers all agreeI feel great, now that Golem
lives inside me.
Guaranteed pain-free surgery.Golem Version Three.Access to information 24/7.Let Golem make those difficult
choices for you.
Let Golem tell you what to wearwhat to buy, and who to date.Never miss out on your
five fruit and vegetables again.
Never be late.Never say the wrong thing,
or leave anything to fate.
Golem Version Three
leaves mankind free.
We live in a world in which
people want for nothing.
We are safe and secure.We are progressive,
we believe in the new.
We live in a world where our
wildest dreams can come true,
our every desire catered to.Leisure, pleasure,
time on our hands
We are a high definition
human race.
We wear fantastic colours.We wake every day
with a smile on our face.


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