Hidden Meaning in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – Earthling Cinema


Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid. This week’s artifact is Guardians of the Galaxy
Vol. 2, starring sexy labrador retriever Chris Pratt and directed by certified Earthling Cinema
superfan James Gunn. We open on an unsolicited music video for
Electric Light Orchestra’s Mr. Blueski, but shortly thereafter, the movie begins. The Space Avengers are at it again, only this
time they’re on autopilot because they’re rolling in that squeakquel money. Rocket steals a bunch of car batteries from
a nearby Midas store, so the Midas employees launch a full-scale attack with their drone
army. Fortunately, a giant hard-boiled egg comes
along and saves our heroes without even cracking a shell. The captain of the egg introduces himself
as Eggo, Peter Quill’s long-lost father and a healthy part of a balanced breakfast. He invites everyone back to his home planet
for some extra syrup, but just the humanoid characters. The freaks have to stay behind in case someone
shows up to kidnap them. Which, thankfully, someone does! It’s Yondu, a minor bad guy from the first
one, here to confuse everybody by snagging the primary emotional arc of the second one. He captures Rocket, but almost immediately
his crew mutinies for fear of getting their trash cans knocked over. What the crew doesn’t account for is Baby
Groot coming to the rescue with vaudevillian slapstick. Meanwhile, Eggo reveals that he and his home
planet are actually one and the same, and that he’s some kind of god-like Celestial
being. A supereggo, if you will. He expains that he took his Kurt Russell form
in order to travel the universe and find meaning in his life, i.e. get laid. He does not explain why a being who has been
around for millennia and projects his own appearance would bother to age himself up
after only thirty years. In any case, Eggo shows Peter that he has
Celestial powers too, such as the power to have a catch and the power to overanalyze
Earth media. As if anyone had any interest in that. Unfortunately, Eggo then lets slip that he
planted seeds on thousands of planets in order to take them over, but one Celestial isn’t
enough to activate them. He needs two Celestials. Why not just do it himself and only activate
half the planets, you ask? Shut up. Peter starts going through his rebellious
phase and stands up to his mean old dad. Soon all the other Space Avengers join in
on the fun, and Rocket makes a bomb using those batteries from the beginning — full
circle, baby! They burn Eggo to a crisp, and Yondu sacrifices
himself to prove some point or another. Then there’s just enough time for the movie
to set the Guinness beer record for most post-credit scenes. Guardians of the Galaxy Vahl 2 is an ode to
daddy issues in all their various forms, especially the form that leads to lower back tattoos. Per Dr. Sigmund Floyd, the heavyweight champion
of psychoanalysis, the childhood need for a father’s protection plays a crucial role
in shaping the human psyche. Even if the shape of that psyche ends up being
a primitive, amorphous blob. Peter has spent his whole life yearning for
the father who abandoned him with nothing more than an ab roller and a tub of protein
powder. Gamora and Nebula’s father Thanos forced them
to fight each other, destroying the family bond, as well as Nebula’s skin-to-metal ratio. Rocket never even had any parents to begin
with, which could be why he never learned to shave. The characters attempt to overcome their respective
daddy issues by turning into helio-copter parents of their collective child, baby Groot. When we meet Eggo, he’s draped in “long-lost
father” tropes, from the cliche game of catch to having a beard. But we soon learn that Eggo’s motivations
are less about fatherhood and more about taking over the known universe, which is not how
most fathers show their love, Karen’s dad. This is a radical inflation of ethicist Henry
“The Henrinator” Sidgwick’s concept of “ethical Eggoism,” which states that one ought to act
only out of self-interest in order to maximize their own pleasure. Eggo’s self-absorption is so Crest Complete
that all other life pales in comparison. Hey, you and me both, pal. The antithesis to Eggo’s philosophy is altruism,
a term invented by French philosopher August “The Henrinator” Comte that suggests man has
a moral obligation to live for others. One need look no further than the name “Guardians
of the Galaxy Vahl 2” to detect this idea, as the word “guardian” implies a duty to protect
others, and “vahl 2” implies a cynical view of the movie-going public. Eggo tries to inflate Peter’s pride, and tempt him with weird poetry. But the Guardians vanquish Eggo instead, proving
once and for all that altruism triumphs over selfishness. Well, twice and for all, since they pretty
much did the same thing at the end of Vahl 1. For Earthling Cinema, I am Groot–I mean Garyx
Wormuloid. Goodbye.

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