I HATE MOVIE THEATRES


(Siren) (footage from Druids plays with audio from the movie) (baby cries as movie audio continues) Why is a baby in here? (a menagerie of animals begin calling out) I’m a huge fan of movies, but shoving a large group of smelly, loud, obnoxious people into a warm room is not exactly my idea of how you should enjoy them. Every time, every single time there has to be something or someone that ruins it. Just the whole experience is terrible and outdated. It sucks it’s the only way to see a new movie. From the getgo, it’s a joke. You walk in and you see one of two types of people: There are those who you can tell are really excited for whatever they’re about to see or have just seen, or disappointed, either because the movie was terrible or because their experience was frustrating beyond belief. Something is always broken.. You can’t just pick up your tickets you ordered online, that’d be too simple and easy. Instead you have to wait in line with all the other munters, making the whole “ordering tickets online” thing completely redundant. And then you get to the atrocious food they serve. Not only is it about four times more expensive than the Tesco from across the street, but why does it have to be popcorn? Popcorn’s an inherently loud food substance to ram down your food-hole. It’s a subtle noise despite the outspoken name, but Jesus, it’s terrible! (laughing as popcorn pops) Oh no! I don’t know about you, but I’m extremely noise-conscious when I’m sitting in a theatre. I won’t make any noise unless it’s completely necessary. Sometimes, I’ll even start to make a noise, like to go into my bag to get a drink or something, but I’ll stop halfway and retreat because I don’t want to be that ass-hole that ruins the experience for someone else. I don’t know why I bother, when you have that bloke on one side farting away and talking to himself, the teenagers sat in your peripheral vision who are playing on their phones, or that one bastard who’s desperately trying to open a packet of something and making the loudest possible noise doing so. (crinkling noise of a bag being opened loudly) They probably aren’t even causing that much noise. There’s something about a theatre [that] selectively amplifies certain senses. Just anything, anything to distract you from the whole point of why you’re there: to see a fucking movie. I like to turn up early to choose a nice seat or to get comfortable or whatever, and it’s all going good. The movie’s about to start, it’s perfect – a rare thing in a movie theatre – until you spot that one freakishly large ogre who decides to clamber in, stand in the middle of an aisle and search for a space like an owl. Then, you see them stop and focus on a seating area right in front of where you’re sat, and you think “Well, they’ll probably sit a space or two apart from directly in front of me. Besides, I purposefully sat in a place with loads of extra seats just to minimise the chance of- -oh, they sat in front of me.” That’s it. Even if it’s just the tip of their sweaty head that protrudes your vision, it’s game over right there. And what’s with that unspoken rule where you have to leave a space in between groups of people, like in a urinal? You never wanna be that guy in the middle. (Buzzer) Or sometimes you have no choice, and you have to awkwardly sit next to some dumb kid who probably shouldn’t even be in there. Why do people bring babies in? Why do people bring babies into horrible, violent movies? How is that allowed? If I had a baby, the whole “going to the movies” thing would be pretty much off the table for a few years I would’ve thought. Are you really that desperate that you’re gonna bring a baby in? Can you not just get a babysitter for a few hours or just wait for it to come out on Blu-Ray? It’s really not hard. We all have stories about our worst experience in a theatre, and this is probably mine. It was opening night for The Dark Knight Rises. I’d booked months in advance, got a relatively late evening screening ‘cuz I thought it’d be a tad less busy and have fewer dumb moron kids running around. Everyone was excited and the movie began. The screen was black and the chilling music started to play. Then ten seconds passed and the screen was still black. Then a minute passed and the screen was still black. Then characters in the movie started talking, and the screen was still black. Obviously, something was wrong. I looked back at the projector and noticed that it was aimed in the completely wrong place. It was pointed into the corner of the room with a mess of indistinguishable colours and lights. This went on for about twenty minutes. Everyone just sat there and did nothing, talking amongst ourselves about how outrageous this situation was, but not doing anything. They did eventually notice and pointed the projector to the right place, and then they stopped it and spent another ten minutes resetting the movie. That really happened. There was this one theatre I used to go to where your feet would stick to the floor like glue with each step because the entire carpet was so engrossed with horrible, disgusting sugar stains of god-knows-what. I guess what it comes down to is that people are selfish ass-holes who don’t care about other people’s movie-going experiences. It’s too expensive and sharing a room with people is terrible. Just relying on people to be quiet is terrible. Just everything about it is terrible. Whenever you go to a theatre, just make sure you think about the other people in the room when you’re on your phone or talking to your friend. All you have to do is shut your mouth and don’t move: the easiest thing any human can do. You literally have to do nothing, so fucking do it. So those are my thoughts on movie theatres! Uh, what do you think about movie theatres? Do you have a story? Do you have any bad stories or is the cinemas and things ’round you all good ‘n stuff? Cuz they’re alright but not, certainly not good around me. So, what did you think? Did you agree? Disagree? Tell me in the comments below, and as always, thanks for watching, all comments and ratings are appreciated. I’ll see you next time. Bye

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