I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Nostalgia Critic


*phone ring* NC: Hello? Guy: What’s up? I’m D-Bag! NC: Just get it over with. D-Bag: What? NC: You’re a character that somehow ties into the review and you’re gonna make my life a living hell, so just get it over with. D-Bag: What are you talking about? I’m just your everyday ’90s student a-hole! NC: I knew it, and you’re on your way home for Christmas, aren’t ya? D-Bag: How’d you know? NC: Because you’re the visual representation of why everybody wants to love assholes, like in today’s movie! D-Bag: But everybody does love assholes! It’s cool to be hated! NC: Look, just say your catchphrases for the trailer, and we can get on with our lives. D-Bag: Well, I did have quite a few, but… screw it, I’m coming to your place for Christmas! NC: What? Don’t do that. D-Bag: Yeah, you just need some time shag with the D-bag! NC: No, please, even a cameo is too mu- D-Bag: I’m heading over right now. NC: Wait, what do I care? You don’t even know where I live. D-Bag: I don’t, but my nerdy sidekick I constantly bully does. Geek: According to the machines that beep, the Nostalgia Critic lives precisely…. here. D-Bag: Thanks, geek. Now I’ll give you back your pet hamster. Geek: Alive? D-Bag: Ehh. Geek: Oh… D-Bag: God, I’m charming. I’ll see you soon, Critic. NC: No, you stay there, you walking trademark! *sigh* *phone smack* It is true. We have a fascination with jerks. Perhaps because they do and say what we want to do and say, but we don’t because we have too much of a conscience. Jerks, dickmunches and buttholes have been popular for years. Whether we boo them as the antagonists, laugh at them as the losers, or even cheer them on because we find that shred of humanity that we inspiringly connect to. And then there’s jerks who have none of that, but were eye candy for tween girls, so we gave them a holiday movie. Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or JTT, as I refused to call him then, and proudly refuse to call him now… was a bit of a heartthrob for a short amount of time. Acting as the middle child in Home Improvement, Thomas left his hit series to pursue a career in movies resulting in… I think movies. Yeah, most of them didn’t do very well. But the one many claim to be his crowning achievement of UGGGH is Disney’s “I’ll Be Home For Christmas.” Appearing on many “worst Christmas movies ever” lists, this film suggests it’s fine to be kind and generous to others, but first, you gotta ask, “What am I gonna get in return?” Well, definitely not ticket sales, as this movie film so bombed they haven’t even released a Blu-ray of it. And keep in mind, this is a world that allows THIS to have a Blu-ray. But, we have a habit of looking at the worst of the worst, so why break Christmas tradition? Let’s take a look at what nobody put on their resume. So we start off I’ll Be Home For Christmas with its matching song… Steve Allen’s “Cool Yule” Hey! What do you know? That doesn’t fit! That– that– that– that doesn’t fit! Just as you’re waiting for Moon Man to appear, the film opens in high school… university …where our main character, Jake, played by Thomas, agrees to let his nerdy friend Ian out of his locker if he gets him his math test answers and backstage passes to Dave Matthews Band. Ian: *inside locker* Let me out! Jake: Did you get my mail? Math test? NC: Words can’t explain how excited I am to be cinematically manacle to this prick. He wants to meet his girlfriend at her dorm room, but for some reason, her roommate won’t let him in. Maybe she saw Man of the House. Jake: Unless… What’s this? Girl: Cherry crunch? NC: *blinking in confusion* The classic “girls like cherry crunch bars” joke. Jake: Shoo-shoo. NC: He’s dating a freshly-escaped-from-7th-Heaven Jessica Biel, who tries to turn down Jake’s charm. And by charm, I mean, tilting his head back like his eyes are in his nostrils. You can even see him doing it through the back of his head! Jake: Looks like it’s snowing. NC: He also wanted to tell her that it’s snowing outside, but it’s just another one of his wacky schemes. Allie: Oh, hey Ian. Ian: Hi *voice crack* Allie. NC:(as Ian) They said they wanted someone less attractive than Jonathan Taylor Thomas. In fact, I think that’s actually how I’m credited in the cast. (normal) He offers her a trip to spend Christmas on a beach, but she’s angry because she want to spend it with her family. This forces Jake to confront this weird sensation humans call emotion. Allie: My mom and dad would be crushed if it didn’t come home. And what about your dad. NC: (as Jake) Which one? I’m ditching two at the moment. *ring* *ring* Ian: Wilkinson residence. NC:(as Ian) Personal man-slave speaking. Ian: Jake! It’s your dad. Dad: Look, Jake, I’m calling to find out about you. Are you, uh… still planning on coming home for Christmas? NC:(as Dad) If you could cast me in a different movie, That’d be greaaaaaat. Dad: You haven’t been home for the holidays since Mom died. I think it’s time that we become a family again. NC:(as Dad) I know it’s difficult, but the mouse just does like mommies. Mickey: IS THAT A MOTHER ON THE PHONE!? NC:(as Dad) NO! NO! Just a distressed adolescent going through and arc. Mickey: Hmmm… *fearful gasp* (normal) His dad, sister and step-mom all say they want him to come home, but because liking a character is so lame, he still says no. Dad: I just really want you home, son. Jake: Well I just don’t think I can get there. Dad: Not even if I, uh, give you the Porsche? *angel choir* Jake: Excuse me? NC: Yep, *sigh* you’re hearing this right, folks. Our main character is going home for Christmas because of a bribe. Dad: If you’re home by the time we sit down for dinner, 6 o’clock, Christmas Eve, the car’s yours. Jake: Great. Bye. You are mine. All mine. NC: Oh hey, Mr. Grinch. What are you doing here? Grinch: I just wanted to say this guy’s an asshole! NC: Yeah. Yeah, he’s pretty bad. Grinch: Such an asshole. NC:This, of course, raises some quickly ignored concerns. Carolyn: He cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe. You see anything wrong with this picture? Dad: Yeah. Yeah, I do but, Jake’s coming home for Christmas *laughing* Carolyn: *laughing* NC: Best Dad of the Year or Best Dad of All Time or Fucking Enabler you pick. But that also doesn’t stop him from making it look like he’s going to see his family in front of his girlfriend. But, it gets even better. It looks like her family ALSO happens to live in the exact same neighborhood as his. I’m… so glad that they both got accepted to the same out-of-state college that they both applied for after high school. But, what can I say. Dickhole University is pretty popular. Mini-Screech pages the correct answers to a bunch of jocks Jake promised to help, As, you know, the teacher’s totally fine with pagers being used during a test. Jock 1: Sorry, Ms. Peterson. Jock 2: Coach likes to stay in touch. NC: (as teacher) Well, with an airtight excuse like that, I have no choice but to accept your reality. (normal) But another douche, who has the hots for Jake’s girlfriend- Yeah, let’s just call him Douche 2, because there’s really no difference between them, they come in the same box. -stops Mini-Screech from giving the answers causing them to fail the test. Resulting in him being locked in his locker. (pounding on locker door) Ian: 3214! Aw, man! NC: We never see him again in this movie, so I’ll just assume he died. *death bell toll* Meanwhile, during you’re traditional Christmas party with rave music, drinks, and public-domain cartoons for toddlers. (as student) Hey, Everybody! Quiet down! This fuckers playing RUDOLF! Jake talks about how excited he is to be with his car. Jake: It, like, it knows you, and it’s listening, and just respondent. NC: (as Jake) Unlike people. God, I hate those things. (normal) But the jocks catch up, and want to make him pay for causing them to fail. So, they drop him of in the middle of the dessert in a Santa outfit they glued to his body. Um… Is this a prank or attempted murder? *stutter* I’m pretty sure this would fall under attempted murder. Which, for this character, I’m totally fine with. *phone ring* *phone ring* Hello? D-Bag: Minor setback, Critic. I tried cheating some guys, and they stranded me on the side of the road dressed as the Easter Bunny. (confused) Why did they dress you as the Easter Bunny? D-Bag: I don’t know. Quirky? NC: Well, *sigh* at least you learned a valuable lesson. D-Bag: HELL NO! I have a ton of other schemes in mind to get home while screwing people over. NC: What!? D-Bag: In fact, I practically blackmailed my family, lied to my girlfriend, and left my geeky best friend in a horrendous situation all before leaving. *fire* Geek: I have no idea how this happened. D-Bag: Aren’t I just likably hateable? NC: Look, you seem to be wired to hurt anyone you come in contact with, just turn around and go home to your family. D-Bag: No can do. There’s some much more despicableness to spread. *car honk twice* D-Bag: Oh! Hey, a car that says “Puppy’s for Sick Kids” is pulling over. Gotta go. NC: NO, DRIVER! DON’T MAKE I CONTACT! *sigh* *whimper* So, Jake is stuck in the desert with literal vultures following him. Vulture: *squawk* *squawk* Jake: I said “I WISHED I were dead.” NC: (as vulture) I came to pick of what’s left of your talent. I found nothing. Oh, look. Frankie Muniz was dropped of a mile down. Vulture: *squawk* Jake: Sit. NC: (laughing) OK. This movie MIGHT redeem itself if the rest of it is just a Road-trip Comedy with the vulture. He’s already the best actor in the flick. I’m sure they trained him better than they trained Thomas. Jake: Die. NC: So that leaves Biel with Douche 2 to get a ride with, because, surprise, SURPRISE, he ALSO lives in the exact same neighborhood. Again, Dickhole University: Keeping people asshats, but close. Eddie: Just the two of us. Riding the crest of Destiny’s Rainbow. Allie: First, the ground rules. If say too many stupid things like that, I’ll have to slug you. If you make listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes, I’m *chuckles* gonna have to slug you. NC: Boy, the new disclaimer for Youtube comments seems pretty harsh. So, Jake calls his family to tell them what’s going on. Jake: Get me Dad. Tracey: When did I become your slave? Jake: The day you were born. Tracey: Oh, right. Oh, DAD! NC: Well, she seemed… bizarrely accepting of that. (as Tracey) I assumed anyone born after Jonathan Taylor Thomas a forgotten pawn. (normal) His father, big shock, doesn’t believe him, so, he manipulates an old lady to give him a lift. Jake: (high, fake sad voice) He’s so worried about the operation. He’s not thinking clearly. The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas. NC: (as old lady) Sonny, are you trying to be funny? Jake: *fake crying* NC: (as old lady) No, I’m serious. Are you TRYING to be funny? None of jokes are landing at all. Jake: I sent every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa. The operation’s on Christmas Eve. NC: (normal) My God, is this bit dying. I don’t know if there’s anything we can do to save it. Jake: And now, I won’t be home until after the anesthesia wears off. *fake crying* NC: NO!!! I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE THIS JOKE!! CLEAR! *shock* CLEAR! *shock* *flatline* *flatline*
*death bell toll* *flatline*
NC: A lot of death in 2016. *flatline* He gets a lift, but it’s not very long as one woman’s teeth falls out, the Tom Jones music is too loud, pickles are spilled all over him, and… *Critc.exe loading* I don’t know. Prune juice Wheel of Fortune being racist about something. The Old Person Cliche Bag has it all. Old Lady: I never heard of such a- *car door close* NC: So, he walks to nearby Christmas attraction to spend the night. Jake: Ho ho ho, tubby. Secret Fat Man Handshake. Alright. You know, confidentially speaking just between us Santas, don’t you ever get tired of wearing this suit? I mean, every year, it’s the same suit. RED, red, RED, RED, red. *breath* I mean, does any guy really look good in red? (whispering) I don’t think so. NC: (as director on megaphone) Uh, Jon. None of this is in the script. (as Jonathan Taylor Thomas) Yeah, I know. I just thought I’d do a little improvising. (as director) Please don’t. (normal) He wakes up the next morning though to find something unexpected. Groundskeeper: (as Santa mannequin) Wake up, chief. Time to feed the reindeer. Jake: *relieved sigh* NC: OK, can we replay my hearts reaction to that scene we just saw? *Critic’s heart beating*
Groundskeeper: Time to feed the reindeer. *Critic’s heart beating* NC: Yeah, that stopped. That stopped right in it’s tracks. If we could avoid more scary imagery like that, the main character is scary enough already. Chester: Oh, that’s nothing. NC: Ahh! Chester: YOU ACT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SLEPT OUTSIDE NEXT TO A STATUE OF SANTA, WHO SUDDENLY CAME ALIVE BECAUSE OF AN ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE! What? I didn’t say that. Huh? NC: Ya know, Chester, where have you been? I barely see you do any Bum Reviews anymore. Chester: Well, I’ve been occupied. NC: Waking up next to statues of Santa. Chester: Partly. NC: What do I pay you for? Chester: YOU DON’T! I’M JUST ALLOWED TO BE IN A WARM, WARM BUILDING, which I am very thankful for. NC: Well, if you’re not doing a Bum Review, how come you’re set up like you’re doing a Bum Review? Chester: I don’t know. I just kinda thought this is how you like to talk to people. NC: GET OUTTA HERE!! Chester: *scream* NC: AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU DO ANOTHER REVIEW!! Chester: BUT, I’M OCCUPIED! NC: YOU’LL BE OCCUPIED WITH MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!! Chester: OH, PLEASE! NOT LIKE LAST CHRISTMAS! NC: So, he than gets a ride from… Well, to be frank, not a bad actor, but a… fascinatingly bad actor. I mean it. This guy should be studied. Nolan: Hang on, Santa. I’m coming. Ohh, maaaan. I have been happier to answer that question on my life. NC: Did Tommy Wiseau breed? It’s kind of amazing. Nothing this driver says sounds of this world. Nolan: Rot in a state correctional facility. Oh, no. I went and killed Santa. NC: He sounds like a human you buy at the store and grows to lifesize after you place him in water. Nolan: Aww, sugardoll. I won’t if you don’t want me to. Happy. NC: I have no idea what dimension would accept this as typical human speech. It’s probably the same dimension that accepts this. Nestle Dogs: Nestle makes the ve- -ry best
NC: AHH! UNHOLY!! Meanwhile, Biel continues her adventures with Douche 2. Eddie: Uuh, look. I’m a millennial type of guy- NC: Immediate minus 10 points for possibly giving birth to the term “Millennial”. Eddie: I dig world music, I think friance should be banned. What does just have that I haven’t got? NC: (as Eddie) No, seriously. We are written as the exact same character. I literally don’t know the difference between us. Allie: *chuckle* Amazing things. Things that… just give me the chills. NC: (as Allie) You know. The same way a series killer gives you the chills. (normal) By the way, here’s a fun game: Count How Many Times Her background changes in between Shots. *ragtime music* *ragtime music*
*ding* *ragtime music* *ragtime music*
*ding* *ragtime music* *ragtime music*
*ding* *ragtime music* *ragtime music*
*ding* *ragtime music* *ragtime music*
NC: (as Allie) Hey! At this rate, we’ll be home by 7, *ragtime music*
9, *ragtime music*
and 12 o’clock. *ragtime music* (normal) But, in yet another coinkidink, their car passes Jake’s. Nolan: Are you saying that’s Mrs. Claus in that car? With another guy? Mrs. Claus stepping out on Santa? Letting some other guy down the chiminney? Why that two-timing hoe! There’s corpses in the backseat of that van. I just know it. They try catching up, but they caught by a cop for speeding. Jake tells the cop that he’s handing out toys to the Children Hospital, which, of course, results in the officer escorting them there and even walking to see him give the goods in the van out to the kids. There’s even a boy, who’s stilted acting brings them to tears. Jake: What do you want for Christmas? Kid: To go home. I want to be with mi mamá, mi papa, mi hermana, Maribelle, mi hermano, Madio, NC: (as Kid) And not to be seen as the worst actor in the movie. Nolan: Chris this is Carolson NC: (as Kid) Oh, thank you. Cutting to him will help. Nolan: I don’t wanna a vend stolen goods no more. I-I just- Officer Max: …just wanna beg you to come home for Christmas. NC: (as Max) Yeah, I gotta call you back. I think the guy next to me said something about stolen goods. (normal) Even Jake calls home, but… DOH! Shoot! It’s his step-mom. That doesn’t count. Carolyn: Where are you now? *laugh* Are you on you’re way home? Jake: Yeah, look. I gotta run. (over phone) So, uh, you take care now. OK? Carolyn: OK. Jake: Bye. NC: You sure the original title wasn’t “I’ll Be HORRIBLE For Christmas?” As the driver decides to go back home, the cop has a bit of confession. Max: It’s my wife, Marjorie. She left my last month and… Well, if I could just get back for Christmas, I know we could start again. Jake: Why are you telling me this? Max: She won’t listen to me, but I got a hunch she’s listen to Santa. NC: So, this is what happens when a movie is written entirely by your toes. Your idiotic, despicably mean-spirited toes. But, of course, it’s on the way to where he needs to go, Soooo… Jake: What’s the matter with you, man? You lover her enough to marry her, but you won’t take a little drive? NC: If I could put that face on a dart board and throw FLAMING PUNCHES AT IT- *phone ring* *phone ring* Abandon all hope ye who watch this movie. D-Bag: Good news, Critic. I stool a car. NC: Oh. That’s progress. D-Bag: I also ran into the sick kid, who said he just want to go home for Christmas. NC: Yeah? *sad music plays* Ya know, I felt bad. Like, really bad that he wasn’t able to go to that beautiful place he called home. NC: So, you stayed with him until his problem was solved. D-Bag: Nope. I burned his house down. That way he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. Isn’t it adorable how much you’re not supposed to like me? NC: I am trying to be so patient with you, but you are not making that easy. D-Bag: I know. I guess I’m complex. See ya in a bit. (to self) yeah. *phone drop* NC: Pray for everyone everywhere. *Theme play out* Doug Walker: Hey, Everybody! Quick update: You’re actually getting are getting a review early next week. Uh, you have a review this week and then, gonna have another review next week of, uhh Rogue One, with Chris Stuckmann. It’s gonna be really really cool. And after that, it’s gonna be editorial, then a review, then editorial. and so forth. So, that gonna be the new schedule. Uh, the only down side is next week, because of Christmas schedules and stuff, we won’t be able get it on channelawesome.com… uh, a day early on Tuesday. Uh, it’ll still be on YouTube on Wednesday, but gonna be able to get it done by that Tuesday. So, I’m so sorry. Uh, all the other times you’ll still be able to see it at channelawesome.com. This the one time, but, ya know, it’s Christmas schedules, and stuff like that. So, uh, just to reiterate again, uh, next week, you get another review. You get a review of Rogue One. So, uh definitely tune in for that and hopefully we’ll see you there. *clap* Back to the show. *Intro music* NC: So, while waiting to Jake to come home, his dad polishes the Porsche he promised him. Dad: There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car. Tracey: Oh MY GOD! THERE’S A SCRATCH! THERE’S A SCRATCH! Dad: Where? WHERE!? Tracey: Get a life, Dad. NC: (as Tracey) But it’s nice to know that you care more about the car and Jake than your daughter and your wife. Can I get a car? (as Dad) Well, seeing as Jake proclaimed you as his slave, I don’t think he would like that. (normal) This is a GOOD family. So, Jake goes to the restaurant and tries to win the cop’s wife back. Marjorie: After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty’s? Jake: Well, you know, I’m sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister. NC: (as Jake) Ya know, the kind you see Folders commercials. (normal) But, a county band drives by and… completely off-screen, Jake convinces them to play for the cop to sing a song in order to win her back. Max: (singing badly) Oh, Marjorie. Oh, Marjorie. NC: No No! I’m sorry. You NEED to show how that back-and-forth went! If a kid in a Santa suit said, “Hey! This cop you never met cheat on his wife. Play for us.” I think I would ask him if there was dirt in my nail. Max (singing badly) I need to have you home NC: Hey, look. He’s writing the script in front of us. Suddenly, this movie is adding up a lot more. Max: (“singing”) Ohh, Baby Oh Baby Oh Baby NC: I’m not even trying with this one. So, with one couple founded on adultery happy, let’s see if we can make another couple founded on adultery happy. Yeah, I guess she couldn’t tell the difference between Douche 1 and Douche 2 either. Jake: I’ll kill him NC: (as Jake) Her, i’m fine with for some reason. But, him, I’LL KILL HIM! He catches a bus, but he has to convince the driver to take him where he say his girlfriend kissing. So, he take a cooler, places places an unrealistic amount of meat some random person brought on, and says… it’s a liver that needs to be delivered to where she is. *ree* *ree* *ree* Passenger: Oi NO! Old lady: We need to get to Adelbruck! NC: Christ. Why don’t you just have it written in crayon while you at it? OH MY GOD!!! IT’S CRAYON! IT’S CRAY- *stutter* Were the magic markers too credible? Were the color pencils just too realistic? What the hell else would this crowd fall for? (as jackass) QUICK! I have a pirate hat with a human heart for a little girl written in whiteout! (as jackass 2) THAT’S NOTHING!! I have a pizza box with a kidney for a little girl written in DOG FECES! (as jackass 3) SCREW YOU!!! I have a binder with a human skull for an octopus written entirely in BRAILLE! IT’S REAL!!! (as self) Of course, they all fall for it, because madness doesn’t take a break, and Jake get to the hotel where they’re staying at I’m assuming called “The Yodeling Tweety Bird.” Jake: Tell if there is a Allie Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here? Clerk: I’m sorry, santa. I’m not allow to give out information on our guests. Jake: Policy does not apply to me! I OVERRIDE POLICY! I wanna know where my girlfriend is! NC: (as Jake) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? I WAS THE KID WHO WAS FORBIDDEN TO SING FOR DISNEY!! (normal) Oh, come on. Couldn’t you rough him up a bit? Surely, you have some spiked wooden clogs or something. But, he finds his girlfriend and she tries to explain herself. Jake: I saw you kissing her on TV, you dirtbag. Allie: He caught me under the mistletoe for 2 seconds. Big deal. NC: You’re honor, Mistletoe Law is very clear on 1st-base adultery. Eddie: And they were good. NC: Na na na na naaaa. Allie: What was I supposed to do? Beem myself home? Jake: Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn’t get to you. I had no choice. Allie: Ok, I forgive you. NC: for-give – him? First of all, there was no apology. Second, YOU KISSED SOMEONE ELSE!! You’re BOTH awful! Are Jake’s bullshit arguments contagious? But, he lets slip that he has to be home by 6 in order to win the car. Allie: Why do you have to be home by 6? Jake: Because, that’s when dinner will be ready? OW!!! NC: Oh, that felt good. Can I just watch that on a loop? Jake:OW!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!! NC: Now THAT I would proudly play at a Christmas party. *scene looping as music plays* So, Biel ends up leaving him. Jake: I care about you! You gotta believe me. Allie: Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one horse open sleigh, I wouldn’t believe you Can’t tell if that’s bad foreshadowing or bad humor, but we can all agree that’s bad writing. Allie: You might be a fake boyfriend Jake, but I’ll tell you one thing, YOU’RE A GENUINE BUTTHOLE! NC: (chuckling) Wow. That’s like the f-bomb in a Disney film. But it’s alright, because now the really romance can begin. Eddie: I would have never thought I’d ever help you out. After that massacre, Man, I just wouldn’t to be human. Jake: God, I never thought I’d be driving home with you either. NC: (as Eddie) It does seem impractical. Even lazy. But, from piece of shit to another, we gotta look out for each other. (normal) But Douche 2 changes his mind and drops him off. Why? Because he forgot he’s a one-dimensional character. No. Honestly. I’m not even kidding. Eddie: I’m sorry man, I just can’t do that much good stuff for another person, ya know? It’d be way bad for my rep. NC: (as Eddie) I really trying out for the next Steven King movie to be Bully #5. (normal) But, coincidence #30, he’s dropped off at a Santa 5K. First place gets $1000, and last place gets to be an extra in Jingle All the Way. *audience cheering* I’m so torn. I don’t want him to get shit, but until he does, the movie won’t end. Why couldn’t this be written by George R. R. Martin? One of the Santa’s to slow down to give him a fair shot resulting in Jake winning. But, he finds out the Santa he beat was the mayor and he usually give his winnings to feed the hungry. So, he drops by his house of white potato flakes to give it to him. Well, that’s nice. *ding* That completely balances out. So, he tries every way he can to get back as his father starts to sulk that it’s not gonna make it. Dad: Even a bribe couldn’t get him home. NC: Now that’s a line I like to hear in a Christmas movie. “God bless us everyone.” “Every time bell rings, an angel gets his wings.” “Even a bribe couldn’t get him home.” Can’t you just feel the magic? *phone ring* *phone ring* *phone rin-* (concerned) What have you done now? D-Bag: I’m in a rocket ship heading over! NC: Wait. A rocket ship? The only person I know who has rocket ship it Santa Christ. D-Bag: Yeah, I manipulated him for it. NC: (under breath) oh my go- Well at least you didn’t hurt anybody. D-Bag: *chuckles* Oh, no. I still kicked him in the balls for the hell of it. Santa Christ: HO Hooooooo WHY would he kick me in the Jingle Balls for no REASON? Oh, well. At least he’ll get that pizza box to that little boy. NC: THAT’S ONE OF MY FRIENDS! Why are you doing everything you can to be so awful!? D-Bag: It’s OK. I gave pocket change to a homeless person. Homeless Person: Oh. Pennies from heaven. *laugh* D-Bag: I figured that more than makes up for it. So, do you hate me yet? NC: Forget coming home. Just COME HERE before you do anymore damage. D-Bag: Will do. *series of explosions* *phone slam* NC: (defeated) I really hope he’s not in many episodes. Thankfully, Jake keeps getting dropped off at stupid places and he finds a one horse open sleigh that he can steal. Because compared to everything else he’s done, stealing is like a drop in a bucket. Carolers: Round yon Virgin, Mother and- NC: (as Jon) Fuck you. I’m Jonanthan Taylor THOMAS!! (normal) And for someone who claims to have little time, he still manages to drop by his girlfriend’s house. (as Jake) Hey, babe. See this one horse open sleigh? It ain’t for you. BYE! HA HA HA HAAAaaaa. (normal) No, of course he talks to her and says her realizes the most important thing in the world is family. So, he of course take him away from HER family to go to his. The thought I guess. *desk smack* Jake: Tell me when it’s after 6, OK? Allie: But, I thought- Jake: *shush shush shush* Just watch. Allie: Watch what? Jake: My family. NC: (as Jake) Watch before I kill them. They seem pretty happy in there without me, don’t they? I’ll show those bastards. I’ll run them all over with my Porsche. (normal) So, of course he shows up 1 minute late to prove a very confusing point, but it does matter because the father gives him the car anyway. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS IDIOT!!! Dad: Just a few seconds late, here. Jake: No, a deal’s a deal. And I’m sure it’s gonna take us a bunch more Christmases together to get all the work done. Dad: Yeah. 30 or 40 at least. NC: (as Jake) Wow, Wow. 2. I’ll give you 2 years, Dad. I’m not running for Jesus. Thus, the always popular Christmas Eve parade at night in the backstreets of suburbia plays, and our hero is happy that he did only one nice thing, and one standard thing he should have been doing for years. So, by this film’s definition, Christmas Carol would have been a happy ending if they just stopped at because that was one nice thing, AND one standard thing he should have been doing the whole time. The rest was just filler. This movie gets Christmas. *crash* *burning* *sigh* D-Bag: Hey! NC: Nyah! D-Bag: I made it. I crashed into several buildings, no doubt ruining hundreds of jobs, but I made it. NC: And that makes it okay, huh? D-Bag: Aw, no, I gave another homeless person a $10- Chester: Hey, this isn’t change! D-Bag: So that more than makes up for everything. NC: Yeah, you know it doesn’t. D-Bag: What does it matter? It’s like in the movie: NC:*sigh*
it’s fun to hate people. It’s downright cool! NC: No… D-Bag: Come on. You know you wanna hate me. NC: I don’t WANT to hate you! I don’t WANT to hate anybody! D-Bag: COME ON!! I’ve done every possible thing to piss you off! NC: *sigh* Yeah, but- D-Bag: I’ve ruined lives, hurt your friends, destroyed jobs. NC: *sigh* I know, but- D-Bag: So why don’t you hate me? NC: Because- D-Bag: Come on. NC: (strained) I just- D-Bag: What conceivable reason could you have not to hate me? NC: BECAUSE IT’S TOO EASY!! It’s the easiest thing in the world to do! Any imbecile can hate! IT’S LAZY!! You wanna know what takes effort? Being nice. (angrily) It is so hard to be nice to some people! (normal) But what am I supposed to do? Call you a jerk over and over and over, and hope that one day, you’ll wake up and go; *head smack* “I’M CURED! Yeah, the first million times didn’t work, but the millionth and one, that was the magic number! That’s what got through!” How likely is that gonna happen!? A-And don’t get me wrong, there’s times when we need to be angry. We need to fight. If not, we’d be goose-stepping our way to work right now. But, it should be one of the last options, not always the first! Because when you get angry, you don’t think straight, and people take advantage of that. And maybe you disagree with me. Okay, fine. You know what? I’ll listen. I’ll listen to what you have to share. And even though so much of what you say feels wrong, I’ll still keep it in my mind that you could possibly be right, because if I’m not willing to change for you, how am I supposed to expect you to change for me? I want to be patient enough to see more how we’re similar rather than fear how we’re different. And you know what? It’s gonna be hard. It’s gonna be so hard, and I’m gonna fail a lot. Hell, I’ve failed a lot already, but this is the one thing I’m certain the more I do it, the better I can get at it. *inhale* I may be a screw-up, but I’m tired of being lazy. And if you’re tired too, maybe we can… work on being screw-ups together. D-Bag: Nah. Not today. NC: Yeah, I figured as much. You know what, if you need to talk, we can talk. D-Bag: I think I should just go home. *explosion* Devil: Ah, my wonderfully disgusting nephew! Good to see you. NC: Huh. The Devil was his uncle. Okay, that makes me feel a lot better. That’s like a pebble going up against a (chuckles) tank. (shouting) Hey, just remember if you ever need to talk! D-Bag: Will do. NC: The important thing about any character were supposed to despise is they have to connect to something we relate to. Whether they’re someone were supposed to have no sympathy for or someone were supposed to see humanity in, something has to be recognizable. Because, it all comes from real places. And if there’s no attempt to understand those real places, you lose the connection. This why the jerk in this movie doesn’t work. He’s a shell of what other great jerk’s were except with none of the understanding of what made those characters interesting. We’re always supposed to connect whether were supposed to like the character or not. If no attempt is made to understand negativity, you’ll never be able to give a direction. This is why this goddamn movie fails. Especially at understanding the important things at Christmas. *doorbell* Chester: Hello, Mr. McCritic. I would like to speak with you for a moment. NC: OK. Chester: I, uh, wanted to explain why I’ve been so occupied recently. NC: Alright. Chester: COME IN, HONEY! I’ve, uh, met someone, Mr. McCritic. This is D’oh. D’oh: HELLO! Chester: I’ve, uh, never been in love before, Mr. McCritic. At least, to a human. And I humbly request time to have to spend with her. I, uh, don’t know how often I’ll get to reviews, but uh- NC: Take all the time you need. Chester: Really? D’oh: Really? NC: You’ve always been nice to me and I… haven’t. And this clearly means a lot to you, so ya know. Just do it when you have the time IF you have the time. D’oh: Oh, good! Then, we can give you this. Chester: That is we were GOING to give you this, regardless of what you said. NC: Oh, you didn’t have to do that. D’oh: Well, someone gave us quite a bit of money so, we had a little extra. NC: Yeah, but guys you really shouldn’t have. D’oh: Do you like it? NC: I know I’ll love it. Chester: Oh! That’s good! Well, *clears throat* I suppose we, uh better get going. NC: Well, wait, wait can you stay a bit? D’oh: Oh. We don’t wanna impose or anythin- NC: Nah, nah. You two are welcome anytime you want. Chester: Oh! Well, um, Thank you. NC: Alright, let me just finish up this review real fast. Have a seat. Chester: Oh! OK. D’oh: Alright.
Chester: That’s a real couch. D’oh: *laughing* NC: Nobody know what the future holds. But, there’s 2 things that are guaranteed: There’s gonna be a lot of anger; and there’s gonna be a lot of love. D’oh: You’re hat’s prettier than mine. Chester: Oh! I know I like- your hat’s pretty cute too. oh I love it. Y’know I’m not even a Bears fan. D’oh: Oh! Really?
Chester: No, no. try to eat me in the forest. NC: Use them wisely. *sad music plays* (Happy Holidays) Nolan: Why that two-timing HOE! Doug: Hey! Doug walker here. Just doing the Charity Shout-out. This week we are doing Modest Needs. Founded in 2002, Modest Needs is a non-profit organization with a unique mission: to responsibly provide short-term financial assistance to individuals and families in temporary crisis who because they’re working and live just above the poverty level, are ineligible for most types of conventional social assistance. But, who are also are living 1 or 2 lost paychecks away from the kind of financial catastrophe that could eventually lead to homelessness. They also exist to lessen the burden of state and federal agencies charged with the care of the truly indigent by doing everything in their power to stop these at-risk households from slipping that cycle of poverty. They promote compassion and generosity on the part of individual persons living the United States and Canada by as living testament to the power of human kindness to change lives no matter how much or how LITTLE a person has to share. If you go to their website, you can see how you can make a big difference. So, please click on the link, check ’em out, and see how even a little can go a long, long way.

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