“It Makes No Sense!” – Trevor Noah – (African American)

I just got back from Atlanta it was a 107 degrees Fahrenheit
The hottest weather the worst thing is everybody comes up to me and they
go well you must be used to this being from Africa and I’m like
No I am not I am from Africa but that shit is hot That was just
No I was scared to go jogging because I thought
if I ran out into the street and fainted wouldn’t the local news love that Id be running and fall down in the heat they would have they’re vans reporting live they would be
standing there going It is so hot in Atlanta
even Africans are fainting so I am enjoying this
really happy to be here this is going to be good for us I hope I say I hope because I never
know with standup comedy It’s an awkward experience
I find I am always nervous I find comedy is very similar to sex for me Well it’s exactly like sex if you think about it Me the comedian playing the role of the man and you the audience, the roll of the woman because it’s my job to satisfy you and you just have to sit there and then just like sex my success or
failure will somehow be determined by how much noise you make
during my performance which makes it a
one-sided affair I think Yea I don’t know
maybe you’re the quite type I hope we have magic tonight
I hope we create something wonderful for many of us it is our first time
and that means it might be awkward I understand this and if that’s the case I want you
to know I will look into your eyes I will see that I am freaking
you out and I will stop I will stop and flip you back over and
we will go back to the simpler stuff I’ve been in America for a few months now and I am really just thrown by the place its not what I expected at all different from the brochures and the pamphlets There’s many assumptions I had
about America before I came here and I have come to learn that those are wrong for one, I just assumed
people speak English here its far from it its not so much the language
as the pronunciation of words that throws me off. It’s what
Americans have done with the language you guys have just, wow.
You’ve done something you put 22’s on the English language. you just have rims that say pimp my language that’s what you’ve gone
with, you know I was chatting to this woman
down town the other day She came up to me and she
wanted me to see something I don’t know what though, she was like O my God, look over Thur I said look over what? She’s like
Over Thur Look that her and I said her? She’s like
No Her hair wait a minute
There’s two of them? I understand nothing
even the small words just the pronunciation
The small things that get you by for instance I pronounce
the opposite of Uncle as Aunt
I say my Aunt Out here you say
my Ant which to me
is an insect which made me look like an ass when my friend told
me his Ant died I was like so what
There’s tons of those out there a great way to end the friendship I couldn’t get help the other day when
searching for a battery for my remote control because that’s what I say
a battery, a small form of power In America you say Baderee which to me is a
different form of power sponsored by Chris Brown and you know what I don’t understand
We live on different sides of the globe so it’s fine
The language we will evolve this is something I have come to understand but I
hope I change one thing in your hearts forever just one thing and that is that animal in the wild
that looks like a horse it has black and white stripes please from now on
it’s not Zeebra okay It’s Zebra just like it’s not
Deebra, it’s Debra same structure of word plus you can not name them
because you do not have them Zebra It’s madness,
everything out here is different do you know how hard it is to
learn when you come out here? you have to change everything,
there’s the measurement system which is just, I mean America, you guys you have your
own thing the imperial system on my side of the world
we use the metric system and by my side I mean
the rest of the world where the metric system which is
amongst other things very deficient it’s a very simple proses
everything goes into each other and out here you have imperial
which is fine I won’t judge you if you want to be imaginary
it’s up to you but I just feel there’s some
consistency that’s needed small things
for instance when we abbreviate our small
measurements milligrams we use mg
milligrams mg milligrams
right you guys have ounces ounces that you then abbreviate oz there’s no z
in the word ounces I don’t know that’s pale in comparison
to what you did with pounds that for me
please explain to me how the abbreviation
for pounds became lbs lb pounds I look like the idiot
walking into a store going could I please have the
2 lbs bag of sugar he said you mean pounds? I said I don’t see the P
No I don’t oh well it means pounds lbs a lot of bullshit is what it stands for It’s horrible in fact it’s crazy you do realize the imperial
system is so inefficient that even American drug dealers
have switched over to metric even drug dealers got to
the point where they said we need some order
we’re going with metric and I honestly thought
this was an anomaly I thought you know what this is just one
of those things that’s a coincidence but it’s not, the Americans do not care about
abbreviations nor the English language they just don’t give a damn I learned this in the small things
like when I was in Tennessee I stumbled on a organization
known as the Ku Klux Klan you heard of them? worst magic show ever guy gave me a pamphlet saying
come meet the grand wizard Grand wizard
the grand wizard didn’t do one trick
not one trick I mean I noticed a few black people
disappear but I mean that’s not magic no that’s just Reaganomics
I wasn’t impressed by that like where’s the magic
I sat there forever these guys running
around in they’re sheets Hee Haa! the KKK as they are affectionately known has nobody bothered to tell them ever
that you do not spell clan with a K Nobody stopped, even in America
clan is spelled with a C the Ku Klux clan they
are the KKC not the KKK you realize that?
Klu kluks Clan a C
In fact the name is wrong the whole thing the Ku Klux
part of it it’s just horrible because they got that as
you know from ancient Greece it was Klu Klux Alvion
meaning a circle of brothers and that’s how they got they’re name. They
call them self a Greek circle of brothers which is wrong for two reasons One if the sole purpose as an
organization is to hate black people don’t you find it strange that
you have now named yourself the circle of
Brothers and secondly do they realize that in ancient
Greek circles of brothers where doing very different things with one another very loving
very, you know, yea if they were really a Greek circle
the sheets would be a bit higher up just more of a
yea there would be one more hole.


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