Key & Peele – I Said Bitch


– HEY, HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.
– HEY. – HI, SWEETIE,
THAT’S FOR YOU. – HEY, TRACE.
HOW YOU DOING, GIRL? – CHECK IT OUT.
– OH, MY. – GIRL, I GOT A SUNKEN TUB.
YOU GOT TO SEE IT. – OH, I GOT TO SEE THIS.
– ALL RIGHT. – YOU TWO
HAVE A GOOD TIME NOW. – HAVE FUN, HAVE FUN.
[door closes] DUDE, I AM SORRY
WE’RE LATE, MAN. – MAN, IT HAPPENS, MAN. – AND SHE TALK ABOUT HOW
WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE CAR AT 6:45,
I’M LIKE, “ALL RIGHT.” – UH-OH. – TELL ME MY DUMB ASS
AIN’T SITTING IN THE CAR, WAITING UNTIL 7:15. – NUH-UH. – OKAY, WHEN I TRACK MY WIFE
DOWN 20 MINUTES LATER, SHE’S STEPPING OUT
THE DAMN SHOWER TALKING ABOUT, “CAN I HELP YOU?” – SEE, THAT’S CRAZY
RIGHT THERE. – I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
IN THE EYE, I SAID, “BITCH, YOU TOLD ME 6:45.” – YOU SAID THAT? – PSH, YEAH I SAID– “BITCH.”
THEN I LAID IT OUT. – BUT YOU SAID, “BITCH,”
THOUGH? – HMM? – YOU SAID, “BITCH”? – YEAH. – YOU GOT TO SEE THE FIREPLACE
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE LIVING ROOM. – OKAY. – DON’T PLAY GAMES, MAN. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE
GOING TO TELL ME. – EXACTLY, IT’S LIKE,
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
– IS THAT SO HARD? – IT’S LIKE LAST WEEK, MAN. WE GOING OUT TO DINNER,
RIGHT? I’M LIKE,
“WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?” SHE’S LIKE, “YOU DECIDE.”
– UH-OH. – I’M LIKE, “ALL RIGHT,
OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.” SHE LIKE, “NAH.”
– MM-HMM. – I’M LIKE,
“STRAIGHT UP, CHILI’S.” SHE’S LIKE, “EHH.”
– NO, NO. – DARRELL, I NAMED
SEVEN MORE RESTAURANTS. – NO, CRAIG, NO. – I FINALLY SAID,
“TAYLOR’S,” THE PLACE I KNOW SHE WANTS TO GO
IN THE FIRST PLACE. – RIGHT, RIGHT. – SHE LOOK AT ME, SHE SAID, “IF THAT’S WHERE
YOU WANT TO GO.” – NO, SHE DIDN’T, CRAIG. – IF THAT’S WHERE
I WANT TO GO. DARRELL, I LOOKED MY WOMAN
IN THE EYE SOCKETS. I TOLD HER STRAIGHT OUT,
I JUST SAID IT, MAN, I SAID IT. I SAID, I SAID, I SAID– I SAID, “BI…”
– HEY, GUYS. – HEY GIRL, HOW YOU DOING?
– OH, HOW YOU DOING? – YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME? – YOU SEEN THE BEDROOM?
– JUST LOOKING AT THE WOOD. – THAT WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE.
– UP ON THE CEILING HERE. – YOU GET A WHOLE BUNCH OF
CLOTHES IN THAT WASHING MACHINE. – HEY, BABY, I’M GOING TO TAKE
HER BACK UP TO THE KITCHEN AND SHOW HER THE DISHWASHER. – DARRELL?
– YEAH, BABY? – I WANT A KITCHEN ISLAND
JUST LIKE THE ONE UPSTAIRS. – YOU GONNA GET IT TOO. – I LOVE YOU. – I LOVE YOU. – I SAID, “BITCH,
IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO TAYLOR’S, JUST TELL A BROTHER
YOU WANT TO GO TO TAYLOR’S!” OKAY?
– YOU SAID THAT? – OH, HELL YEAH, MAN.
I LAID IT OUT, RIGHT? I SAYS–I SAYS–I SAYS– I SAID, “BITCH,
I’M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.” – YOU SAID, “BITCH,” THOUGH? – HMM? – YOU CALLED
YOUR WIFE A BITCH? – UH-HUH, YEAH. – CRAIG.
– DARRELL. – WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS? – I DON’T KNOW.
LET’S GO… – SO SHE’S LIKE,
“WHY DON’T YOU RENT A MOVIE WE BOTH LIKE?”
– NO, SHE DIDN’T. – AFTER I SPENT 25 MINUTES
IN THE GODDAMN BLOCKBUSTER. CRAIG, I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
IN HER OPTIC STEMS AND I SAYS– I SAID– I SAYS, “BITCH.” – YOU SAID THAT? – AIN’T NOTHING
BUT A THING. – BUT YOU SAID, “BITCH,”
THOUGH? – YEP.
– SEE… [phone rings] – OH, SH– HEY, HONEY, CRAIG’S JUST
GIVING ME THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOUR. – SO THEN SHE’S LIKE,
“I DIDN’T KNOW WE’D BE DOING SO MUCH WALKING.”
– NUH-UH. – I’M LIKE, “I DIDN’T TELL YOU
TO WEAR THOSE SHOES.” SHE SAID, “DON’T RAISE
YOUR VOICE AT ME.” – WHAT? – DARRELL, I LOOKED THIS WOMAN
DEAD IN THE WINDOWS OF HER SOUL. – MM-HMM.
– I SAID– I SAID… [door opens, air hisses] I SAID, “BITCH.”

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