Lindsay On Set Drama!

So our friend Lindsay Lohan is making headlines again. (audience jeers) In a good way, she’s got a new job. (audience cheers) I mean. It’s not here in New York or out in L.A., it’s in Australia but money is money. Especially because she’s not, she doesn’t go back to Long Island to live there anymore. She doesn’t even like the States. She’s a citizen of the world. And she affects the accent depending on where she stays. Which to me is so funny. You know, it’s so funny. So she’ll be speaking with that Australian accent quick. She’s gonna be a judge on the Australian version of “The Masked Singer.” That’s the show. (crowd cheers) Right. That’s the show that I watch starring Nick Cannon as the host, he’s so good at it. Huh? Yes he is. He’s the host. And then, these great judges, and we love everybody. And there’s no room for Lindsay here unfortunately, ’cause I said, “Well why can’t we hire her here? “Who are these judges again?” And I watch the show, I was like, “Whoa, wait a minute.” It’s Robin Thicke. Okay, no. He’s good on the show. You know. And then, Jenny McCarthy. Although, if you squint you don’t recognize her, right? She’s like… No, that’s Kylie Minogue… sister. No, that’s Nicole Scherzinger. Scherzinberger. The girl with the blonde hair. The blonde hair is Jenny McCarthy. (audience laughs) Oh yeah, that’s her. Interesting lighting. Anyway, hi Jen. Anyway, but Jenny is really good on the show. And then, Nicole Schershing– Scherzinger. Sleshinger. Schershing– Scherzinger. I’ll say Nicole. Don’t ya? Her. And, this man right here, he’s from Dr. Ken. Yes, Dr. Pen, what? Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken. Yeah. Anyway, he’s good, too. So, you, and I don’t want another judge. Too many judges spoil the brew, you know? So, Lindsay got that job over there. And the rumor is, is that she’s already annoying the other judges. (audience sighs) Well, Lindsay. Lindsay darling. First of all, I don’t know the other judges. It’s over in Australia, I’m not familiar with Australian stars, I mean I, Oh, Kylie, this is Kylie Minogue’s sister. Okay, we know her. I don’t know him. Who? No clue. Okay. Oh you know what? He’s the comedian David Hughes. Hughes. Okay, don’t know him. There’s a radio DJ. Her name is Jackie O. But she’s over there. And then, here’s Lindsay. So the premise of “The Masked Singer”, you’ve gotta watch this show. I support my friend Nick, you know what I mean? But the show is really good. What happens is celebrities, you know, they have masks on, or full body costumes so they disguise their bodies and stuff. And they get on stage, and they sing the hits. And then, you have to guess which celebrity it is. And, What they’re saying is that Lindsay is taking long ciggy breaks. Holding up production. And she walks around with a note taker. Now, the long ciggy break, a cig takes like what? Five minutes to smoke? I used to smoke Newports. Like, five minutes? If you’re really stressed, two seconds. You take the long pulls. I’m stressed. (coughs) And then she walks around with a note taker. Which people are looking at her as, like, “Well who do you think you are?” Now the ciggy breaks, I don’t know so much about. You know what I’m saying? Lindsay, like, stop. Can we just judge so we can all go home? We don’t have time for that. But a note taker is fabulous. I mean, having somebody walk behind you all the time and takes notes. And if you’re close enough with the, notes on what’s going on. You know what I mean? Like, “Remind me to, “remind me to pay the milkman?” You know? If you know the person enough, then all you have to do is say it and go, That means write it down. Write it down. You know? I mean, I have a Dictaphone. Or whatever you call that thing. That’s my note taker. It’s not a human being. She’s walking around with a human, Yeah, I keep my notes in there, or I write it down, but sometimes you don’t have a pen and, but I always have my ‘taphone. (audience laughs) (audience cheers) But I think that Lindsay is good for this show. She’s gonna be a ratings draw. And the reason why, because Lindsay, to date, hasn’t done anything. Linds, take this the wrong way, hi Lohan family, but I gotta call it like I see it, she had the Greek show, or the show over in Mykonos, in Greece, where she had the resort. That only got one season, then they canceled it. I was, “Oh.” ‘Cause I was watching, I liked it. Linds was walking around bossing up like Lisa Vanderpump. And looking pretty while she was doing it. And very present. She wasn’t all crazy, you know. But then she, when Oprah did the reality show, she was late for Oprah. Now, how you gonna be late for Oprah? (crowd laughs) And Oprah reprimanded us, remember, through the camera, or her. “Why are you late? “No, this is not, what are you late about? “What is going on with, you better get your life.” I like her, but Lindsay you have to learn how to be accountable. And more reliable. (audience claps) And get rid of the person because then it makes it seem like your big shot. Get a Dictaphone. And, with the ciggys, wear a patch while your doing the show you get all your nicotine. And then after the show, go smoke a carton and complain to whatever’s going on in your life. But, Lindsay, I like you. And another thing, how are you gonna judge Australian singers? I mean, we know Patti Labelle, like she sings on the Nick Cannon one here in American, we– Gladys Knight did. Oh, Patti hasn’t been there? No, but Gladys Knight was. Same era. (laughs) And, T-Pain, right? I saw T-Pain on it. Like, we know these people. They give hints and then you have to guess who it is. How you judgin’ a show way over, do you know these singers? We don’t even know the, it doesn’t even matter what’s over in Australia. Anyway, good luck Lindsay. (audience claps) And hey Nick. (coughs) Kenya Moore. (audience groans) Is stirring up the most delicious drama. On “The Real Housewives of Atlanta.” Okay, so as you know, she’s holding a peach. All right. So she’s a friend, I mean, she’s a down, she’s not a friend of. Good. Well earned. So she returned for season 12, which just started filming. So we haven’t seen this, but I’ve got a present for you. Merry Christmas in advance. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Let me set it up. So, Kenya recently, Marlo, who I think needs a peach next, I have no idea why Marlo doesn’t have a peach. Marlo is beautiful. She’s messy. And her wardrobe is sick. All right. And how she does all this stuff, I don’t know. But the streets have talked. (audience laughs) But I love that, I love that. Like, give her a peach. (audience cheers) So anyway. So Marlo recently launched a wig line. So she had a party for her wig collection. And, Kenya walked in. Kenya went in and took the mic. Hold on now, this is good TV. They aren’t our friends. This is entertaining to watch. I got a present for you. Hold on, let me just tell you. Kenya went in, grabbed the mic, proceeded to talk about, “Well, you wouldn’t need a wig,” look at her go, “You wouldn’t need a wig “if you used what I use.” And she talked about her product line that does, increases edge thickness, and keeps your hair gorgeous and healthy. And we all know that Kenya does have naturally beautiful hair. She might put a few magic pieces in there, but you know her hair grows from her head. It’s naturally, and it’s beautiful, right? So Marlo snatched the mic back. And said, “Does your hair care line help with grays?” Don’t clap on that. That is the weakest shade throw. Marlo. Marlo, Marlo. Gray hair is nothin’ but a just for men. Or a little mascara, you know? Weak edges and thin hair is forever. (audience cheers) I’m just saying. That’s some shade to Marlo because the reason that I wear wigs is ’cause I have thin edges. I got them from my mother. Her whole side of the family, it’s nice hair, it’s like wash and go, but it’s thin. I told you I do the top knot at top. And, stuff like that. As a matter of fact, discussing my hair and what I do now that I’m out here, when I’m entertaining. Oh please, no. (audience laughs) Wendy and friends, for the record, mm-hmm. That’s my comedy tour. So on Saturday night we kick off in Oakland, but I’m saying… And my friends are real comedians. I’m just hosting in between. But I got my own, mm-hmm, stories, too. For the record. But one of my things is, I’m dealing with a lot out here. Like, things that I’ve never done before. Like when are you comfortable taking a number two, in front of a man? Right? Right? Right? I mean, you don’t have to do it in front of him but you know, the fumes live on. (audience laughs) And I’m out here tryna be cute, giving thigh, doing stuff. But at the end of the day, we all do a number two. So, if you don’t have but one bathroom, what do you do? And if you have more than one bath, I just, and I’m confused. Like, at what point, Norman? Do I take off my wig and put on. (audience claps) Girl. Stop laughing, this is real. I didn’t land myself in this position, I’ve been thrown into this position out here. And so now, these are two things that I think about all the time. Like, I got a cute top knot, everybody here has seen it. I walk around here very comfortably, or open my office door, take meetings and stuff. My little cute struggle top knot, Norman you’ve seen it. It’s not a bad situation. Cute. But, those who have want. And I have thin hair but I want thick hair so I’m a wiggy, right? I been sleeping in a wig for like the last… (audience laughs) Coming to a city near you, go to, but these are the things we’ll be talking about. Anyway, back to Marlo. (laughs) It’s a problem. So, Marlo had her security throw Kenya out. My thing is, Kenya, that was a really, really mean thing to do. Can you be happy and celebrate for somebody? We realize your childhood thing, and I always think about that, you know, her mom doesn’t love her and she doesn’t have any family. And her baby is a blessing because she, you know what I’m saying. I like Kenya. But, Kenya, you’re the same mean girl who marched into a party with a full marching band, and it wasn’t even about celebrating you. And took a bullhorn to the reunion to curse people out. And tried to hit people with a scepter. And also that fan. She knows how to bring it though, right? It’s some good TV. (audience cheers) (coughs) I can’t breathe. Anyway, look, “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” everybody, premiers later this year. You know I’ll keep you informed. And we’ve got more great show for you.


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