(instrumental music) – [Peter] All of this, or just this? – [Jake] This here. – [Peter] In this place? – [Jack] This plot of space. – [Peter] Right. What were we talking about? – [Jack] This is it. – [Peter] Oh, right. What is? – What are we doing? – I’m sitting on the package. You are standing up doing some
weird thing with your hands and we are together waiting for occupant, no name on the label. – I checked the system. Past deliveries at this address were for an Iris Hawthorn. – Iris Hawthorn. – Yeah a woman.
– A female. – Yeah it’s the epitome
of my entire existence. Everything can be boiled down to this. – What waiting on a woman? – Exactly. – How long have we been waiting? – Since the moment I was embedded in my mother’s fallopian tubes, I’ve been waiting for a woman. – How long have we been waiting? – Why are you so dull? Don’t you want love? Don’t you want meaning
in your pathetic life? – [Peter] Yeah, maybe later. – Hello? – Woman. – Ms. Hawthorn?
– Yes. – This is for you. – Are you sure? I didn’t order anything. – Your address is on the invoice. – Okay, bring it in. Just be careful. – Swing it.
– Back up. – Just swing it.
– Back up. – Swing it.
(vase shattering) – Oh, just put it right there. – Okay okay okay. – That’s huge. Can you help me unpack it? – Yeah that’s against company policy. – What about my vase? – That’s not against company policy. – Can you do me a favor
and help me unwrap this? – Sorry, ma’am. – What if I pay you? Off the clock. – A bribe? – Off the clock? – $100?
– $125? – $20. – Get the knife. – No, no I’m sorry, no
way, this is not for me. – We don’t judge. – Yeah no judgments here. – No this is wrong. You have to get rid of it. – We really gotta get going. – Don’t you have to take returns? Company policy? – We’re off the clock. – Yeah, really sorry. – But I’d be worried. – Obviously. – I mean look at it, it’s creepy. – Yeah it’s not our place to say. – Oh, sure it is. I’ve saw something on the Internet. – What did you see on the internet? – Sorry Miss, we really have to get going. – Yeah. – What did you see? Come on guys you can’t leave
me alone with this thing. (dramatic eerie music) (muffled talking on police radio) (phone ringing) Nile County, 911.
– Yes, hello? – Please state your emergency. – Yes, hello, I’m in a fight.
– A fight? Where are you?
– In my car. – Okay what is the address? – [Carol] My car don’t
have an address, lady. – I’m sorry ma’am, where are you? – [Carol] I told you, I’m in my car. Someone is outside and
I’m fighting with them. – With words? – [Carol] Yes, with words. – Ma’am, is this an actual emergency? – [Carol] Damn right it is, this moron won’t give me my large fries. – Are you ready? – You start.
– Okay. Three noise complaints. – Four noise complaints. – Two assault and battery. – Also two assault and battery. – Okay, five armed robberies. Two were false alarms. – Three robberies, no false alarms. – Double suicide attempt. – One suicide attempt. – Ah, I gotcha there.
– Mine was successful. – Damn. Three indecent exposures. – One very disgruntled
woman driving through a fast food drive in
screaming about french fries. – Alright you win. – Have things always this bad? – What your winning streak
or the state of Nile County? – Can I talk to you about something? – Ooh, some guy? – No, some thing. – Some guy’s thing?
– Also no. – You need some excitement alright? What could you be so
worried about this time? – I promise this is a new one. – Oh my. – Right? – Yeah. You know what it’s a giant jewelry box. – A coffin. – It’s some kind of weird bed. – Or a coffin. Trish?
– Okay. So it’s a bed you sleep
in when you’re dead. – I think it’s a threat. – Maybe it’s just a mistake or a like a really weird idea for a gift. – It’s a coffin in my living room. It’s not exactly a subtle metaphor. – I just, I don’t know
who would threaten you? You’re just, you’re so cute. – There’s a return address
on the shipping label. – It’s a wrong delivery then. – I have to find out who sent this. I’m going to write them a letter. – Okay you think a serial
killer is after you, and you’re going to write
him a thank you note? – I can’t text message him. – Have you opened this yet? – Open it? – Okay, someone sends
you a giant container that you think is a threat and
you’re not gonna look inside? – No. – This is ridiculous. – You don’t think I
know this is ridiculous? – Okay then open it. (laughing) (shouting)
(screaming) (laughing) – Don’t do that.
– Sorry. Sorry. – [Iris] Nothing, nothing inside. – Okay. Are you gonna be alright? – Yeah. – Okay good. I’ll see you on Monday alright? – Thanks. – Okay, alright bye.
– Bye. Hello little fishies. Did I forget to feed you last night? (knocking on door) Hold on. (dramatic music) I’m not ready to open the door yet. (dramatic music) How are you? – I think it’s been too long. – You think? – Sometimes. Can I–
– I can’t let you– – What?
– Let you inside. – Your home? – They’re spraying. – You were just in there. – It’s toxic. – For what? – Humans. – Spraying for what? – Mongoose. – Mongoose? – It’s an epidemic. – Is that so? – The whole neighborhood’s got them. Why are you here? – I got hungry. – That’s an interesting way
to ask a girl to dinner. – Well I’m here for the toaster. – My toaster? – Our toaster and I’d like some toast. – Can’t you just get a new toaster? – Theoretically. But I’m already here. (laughing) – Here’s my toaster. – It was nice to see you. – Yeah, you too. Hi, Mom-mom. – Have you seen one of these? – A tablet computer. – Well I don’t know from
the two tablets, but look. The words go upside
down, then right side up. Then upside down. Then right side up. How do they do that? – Where did you get that? – Who, me? – What have I told you about shoplifting? Your cute grandma thing is
not gonna work with everyone and I don’t have the money to bail Nana Misdemeanor out of jail. – Actually, I met someone. And he gave it to me as a present. – You met someone? – Yes, I did. I met him at Mahjong. – I see where this is going. – When are you going to meet someone? – Do you see how psychic I am? Aren’t you proud? – You need a hobby. Why don’t you come with me to Mahjong. – I brought your groceries. – You could meet a nice boy. – I’m busy. – You’re young. – I have a lot to worry about. – You’re young and pretty. You have nothing to worry about. – [Peter] I am bored. – How can you be bored? There’s so much to learn in this world. So much to do. Boredom is for idiots. – Let’s play a game. – Chess? – It’s been done. – What Mahjong? – Are we that old? – You pick then. – Guess The Celebrity. – We always play this. – Okay go ahead guess. – Henry the Fifth?
– Nope. – Henry the Eighth?
– Nope. – I give up. – I am the King of
Kings, the Lord of Lords. The Wreath of God. – You’re an imbecile. – Wreath. – You two, again. – Evening Ms. Hawthorn. – For you. – Do you know anything
about these packages? – Us?
– Packages? Like that one? – Same address as the last time. – All the parcels come from the company. – And, we took it off the truck. – And we bring it up the driveway. – And, I wore your package on
my head and wore it as a hat. I admit it, I’m sorry. – Thanks, guys. (exhaling deeply) (dramatic eerie music) – Greetings. – Is this 1015 Valley Drive? – Do I know you from somewhere? – Do you know me, from where? – Somewhere special. A sanctuary of sensual
tales and stunning females. I’d never forget such a
splendid specimen as yourself. – Did you send me those packages? – Wait, what? – Is this address this place? – That’s my address.
– Right here? – Did you want the tour, it’s $20. – Why did you send me those packages? – Packages?
– A wreath, not ringing a bell? – No wreaths, no bells. But I might be able to
explain how my address ended up on that piece of paper. – I’d like to hear you
explain to the police why you didn’t send any
packages from this address that you claim to be your own. – Whoa, whoa whoa, okay. I used to work for a shipping company. Handled all the paperwork,
worked from this address. – Shipping company?
– That’s it. – And what kind office is it now? – Look I closed that office down. This pays way better. – So what is it, a retirement community? (laughing) – Uncalled for, okay? These are my patrons. – Just tell me what it is? – It’s a haunted house. – A haunted house pays
better than a postal service? – Exponentially. Now, please, I’ve got customers okay? – I have more questions. – And, do you know what
heck it out yourself. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and
one of their oxygen tanks and help yourself, okay? I’ll get to you as soon as
I deal with my customers. I promise. The first trip’s free. (spooky music) (creepy laughing) (spooky music) (owl hooting) (spooky music) – You look young. – Me, I’m not young. – To be here, you are. – You wouldn’t believe why I’m here. – What brings you? – I got, this is going to sound stupid. – Young people make plenty of mistakes. What’s important is that you
still have time to learn. – I got a coffin in the mail. – In my day, men gave women flowers. – I miss that. – Yeah well, I miss a lot. Can you feel them? – Feel what? – The ghosts. – I’m afraid not. – Oh there’s no reason to be afraid. Loosing this Earthy
form is like urination. You can try to hold it
in as long as you can, but when nature calls, you have to let go. – I want to be a monkey ghost. (creepy laughing) – What’s that? – Papyrus. – Paper.
– Directions. – To where? – My old company. – Shipping company? – Shipping, driving, trucking, training and flying too, They use drones now. Kinda like robot carrier pigeons. Let me take you out sometime. – I can’t. – Free will. – Married. – An excellent argument against free will, however I don’t see a ring on your finger. – I took it to the dry cleaners. – You took your wedding
ring to the dry cleaners? – It gets dirty. What’s that? – It’s an origami rose. – Thanks. One more question. – My name’s Alex. – What kind of people
come to a haunted house? – The kind that want proof of ghosts. (howling) – [Nate] Don’t know what to tell ya, Miss. – A name? – It says here someone sent a wreath to three, zero, seven– – I know, that’s my address. – But you’re sure you ain’t
got the right return address? – Not at the moment. – ‘Cause I don’t know why
there’s nothing else on file. – I’m begging you, a phone number? – Hey wait it says here someone
sent an oversized package to three, zero, seven– – I know I know, yeah. – Oh alright. ‘Cause for a return, alls we got is that same insert slip you got. – This is important. – We deal with imports
and exports all the time. – I didn’t want to have to say this but I do work for the police. – Look Miss, if there was
somethin’ on the screen, I’d tell ya what it is. ‘Cause we don’t really believe in confidentiality or nothin’. – If there’s anything you know– – Most people don’t trust
a fat man at a computer, but there’s not nothin’ I can do. – Alright, thanks. – Hey hey hey, you’re a pretty girl. Ain’t you got some secret
admirers or somethin’? (knocking on door) (dramatic music) – Hey – It’s me. – Yeah me too. Well? – I’ve been ruminating. – On? – On and off. – Ruminating on? – You. – Want to come in? – I will. – Hey you want to sit? – I’ve been getting some
interesting things in the mail. – Nothing got lost?
– Paradise. – Which? – Mine. – Well? – Wishing you would tell me. – What? – The packages. – The mail? – You sent it. – When was your birthday before your last? – I don’t count time. – Well that’s when I
last sent you something. – So you didn’t send me a
large rectangular package? – No, did not send you any type of package of any size or shape but if
you liked what was inside, I’ll take credit for it. – I didn’t. – Well then I won’t. – Why did you come over? – Because you are the
dumper and I am the dumpee. – It was mutual. – We mutually agreed you were leaving. Which means that I retain custody of all household appliances,
including the toaster. – And how has breakfast been? – The toaster is, well it’s
still over there it’s unplugged. – Well if you think you’re
getting the waffle maker you’re– – I still love you. – You did send those packages didn’t you? – I’m not guilty of sending you anything. I just kidnapped your toaster. – I used to love when you’d
give me the unexpected, but– – No, you didn’t. – This isn’t funny. – I came by because I missed you. Plain and simple. – It’s not simple it’s very–
– I think you miss me too. – Very, very complicated. – Or you wouldn’t be here
asking me about your junk mail. – It’s important. (dramatic music) Are we seriously gonna try this? – Just one can’t hurt. – Yes, it can. – [Peter] Yes, that’s
the idea, yeah yeah yeah. – Okay wait wait wait. You got it?
– Yeah yeah yeah. (gasping) (groaning) (knocking on door) – Go away.
– Can’t. – Please.
– Miss. – Door.
– I don’t want it. – You do.
– It’s good. – What is it? – [Both] Heavy. (groaning) – That’s a big rock. – A tombstone. – Could be igneous. – Sorry he’s an idiot. – Well it could be a paperweight. – Have you delivered any of
these coffins to anybody else? – Actually yeah. – Was it a woman? – Yeah, she– – She’s a designer. – Yeah, she designs stuff. – Can you look up her address? (machine grinding) – Val, Val Pocalypse. – Iris, is this your place? – Yeah, you got a coffin? – Thank goodness. – You okay? – Do you know who’s doing this? – I am. – You? Do you even know me? – No, see that’s the point. I get to know you because
I do all the creation and the boys in the back
do all the fabrication. – The boys in the back?
– Yeah. – What kind of sick ring is this? – Oh the sickest. – Why did you send me a coffin? – I didn’t send you a coffin, you’re supposed to send me the coffin. – They said you’d been delivered a coffin. – Yeah I get ’em all day long. – That doesn’t make any
sense, I need an explanation. – Oh. This is what I do. This is what I am. Sick, huh? – Scary. (laughing) – Thank you. I am a true artist. – So you don’t send coffins out to people? – I get the coffins and I
send them back out in style. – This is going to sound more
than a teaspoon of crazy, but I got sent a coffin in the mail. – Great, no ’cause that’s great Send it to me. I will make that box reflect your greatest interests
and your deepest desires. – So you don’t know who sent it? – What did it just fall into your lap? – My living room. (dramatic music) How many times have I told
you to keep it locked? – What?
– The door. – But what if somebody needs to get in? – [Iris] Someone could break in. – Why would they break in? The door’s unlocked. – [Iris] It’s dangerous. – Don’t worry, Little Red Riding Hood. It’s safe to come to Grandma’s house. – Will you please just lock it? – I’ll keep it locked for you. – Thank you. I worry about you. – I worry about you too. – Uh oh. – It must get so lonely all by yourself. No man. – Alright. I have some news. But you have to promise to
tell me if you get too excited, so I can take you to the doctor. – I swear on a high fiber diet. – Seth and I are going on a date tonight. – Oh dear. I thought we got bored of Seth? – You loved Seth. – I thought you got bored of Seth? – [Iris] Actually I miss him. – How long has it been? – I dunno, six months. – It’s been six months since the breakup. – Correct. – So add three months to that, and it’s been nine months
since you’ve been laid. – Mom-mom. – Maybe something will happen tonight. – Okay, we’re done here. (laid back music) – Okay I think I can make this. – And now? – A shot in the dark. – I wouldn’t take it. (billiard balls clanging) Not even close.
– Not even close. – So what have you been up to? Any snowboarding? – No, I haven’t been to Denver in a while. – You should go. Remember that trip we took
to Aspen with your family? – Yeah, you didn’t leave the cabin. – It was cold. – I had no idea that was
a fond memory for you. – I like the idea of being
with a daring snow man. – A snowman? – You know what I mean. – I don’t think my parents liked it. – Your parents didn’t like me. – That’s not true. – Oh, really? – If you would open up just a little bit, I guarantee you that my
parents would love you. – I’m open to being loved. – My parents are hippies. You know you’re just, you’re a little high
strung for the hippies. – They’re not hippies. Your parents are so laid
back, they’re unconscious. (laughing) – Well this winter we will
go, just the two of us. – I’ll take the trip, but I am not surfing down any mountains. – Why not, give it a try. – I’ll watch you with binoculars. – What are you so afraid of? – I’m not scared. I’m just aware of my own limitations. – You wanna come back to my
place and open some wine? – I can’t. – Tonight’s creative excuse? – I have to meditate tonight. I’m taking meditation classes. – Meditation? – Mm-hm, it’s like thinking. – You have something to think about. (heavy breathing) (dramatic eerie music) (muffled talking on police radio) – Whoa, you look worse than genocide. – Flattering. – What’s up? – Sleep. – Are you sleepwalking right now? – I wish. – What are these, criminal records? – We do work at a police station. – Do you think it’s Seth? – No, he’s a good guy. – Did you tell him?
– He knows he’s a good guy. – No, the coffin. – I can’t tell him about that. It’d ruin anything happening between us and I don’t want to be that ex-girlfriend that shows up on his doorstep ’cause some stalker’s sending me coffins and tombstones in the mail. – Yeah, well you know it
could still be a mistake. – I don’t think a tombstone is random. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to reading nine more
volumes of violent crime. – You know if your serial
killer hasn’t come yet, he’s not gonna come. – You know any day I wake up. Bang. He could jump out of the
darkness and that would be it. End of the world. – Yeah but you could also
get struck by lightning. – Well if that’s the end
what’s the difference? – So now you’re afraid of
getting struck by lightning? – Yes, no, it’s not the lightning. How long do I have left? Is there an afterlife? What will I taste like to earthworms? – Yeah these are the questions of life. – The questions of death. – Death is forever, and gas
is five dollars a gallon. What’re you gonna do about it? – Cure mortality and
drive an electric car. (groaning) – You are full of sound and worry. – It’s called survival instinct. – This is going to sound really cliche, but let’s say you are
going to die in a month. Which you’re not going
to, but let’s say you are. Okay then you need to
just pause and enjoy life and stop and smell the roses. – Roses? – Roses, violets, ether, whatever. – You’re right. – So you’re gonna take a breath? – That was a cliche. (laid back classical music) Thank you. (speaking in a foreign language) (laughing) What? (rustling against door) (gasping) Wait, wait, wait wait.
– What? – I just haven’t, I haven’t been with
anyone since we split up. – Okay. – You have? – Well. – Oh. – Is that a problem? – No. (dramatic music) (yawning) – Babe? I? Hey. Did you sleep well? – Sure. – What do you want for breakfast? I still have your toaster. – [Man] Nile County, 911. – Frankly, this is a
rather poor emergency call. – Frivolous.
– Trivial. – Unnecessary. – Are you critiquing me? – We’ve gotten worse. – This is a coffin. – Should we arrest it? – Maybe the person who sent it. – For? – A coffin, a wreath, and a tombstone. All very clear signs
that I’m going to die. – See we’re not paid to read into things. – We don’t assign meaning. – We’re against interpretation. – That’s semiotics. – It’s above our pay grade. – Can you at least find out who sent this? – Not really. – Do you know anyone
who’s missing a coffin? – [Evans] Check any funeral homes? – Excuse me Grace.
– Mm-hm? – There’s an Iris
Hawthorn here to see you. From the Nile County Police Department. – Police, why? Let her in. Mrs. Hawthorn?
– Special Agent Hawthorn. – Oh my goodness. – I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here. – I can assure you we’re all
up to date with our taxes. – I’m with investigations.
– What do you investigate? – Any kind of public nuisance. Stolen goods. Borrowed goods. Expired milk. – We only have expired people. (laughing) That was a joke. – Ma’am, I was tipped off by two officers. – Okay. – Do you have any clients
with unusual dealings? Perhaps someone came in here
and they were missing a coffin? – Missing a coffin? – Don’t play coy with me. – Well this one family came in and– – This is important. – This terrorists? – Homeland Security. – Oh my gosh. Well this one nice family came in and they had a body when they
were looking at the casket and then they just left and they never came back and I was like how are you gonna bury
a body without a casket? – I’m gonna need their
personal information. – Of course, I just need to see a badge. – Badge? – Or any identification,
whatever you have. – Ma’am, agents only flash
their badge in the movies. This is reality, and as
you can clearly observe I’m with the authorities. Hi there is your dad home? – He’s dead. – I’m so sorry to hear that. – Don’t be sorry. He was a danger to himself and others. – Oh, and Mom? – Step-Mom, she’s alive. – Can you go get her? – She’s inside, come on. (crying) – Hi, my name is Iris. I’m with Happy Endings Funeral Parlor. – Oh, I didn’t hear you come in. (crying) – We’re very sorry for your loss. – Did you say Happy Endings? No we didn’t end up
going with Happy Endings. – I know. Can I have a moment of your time? – That’s all I have.
– Thank you. Now did you initially order
a coffin for the deceased? – A pine box, sure. – You did? – I don’t know if it was pine. I can’t tell wood by looking at it. I mean I can tell if it’s wood
or not wood but not the type. – And where was this wood box
we’ll call it delivered to? – Never delivered. – But you placed an order. Was it sent to us or to your home? – [Ophelia] Mom? – What’s wrong, Sweetie? – How many circles of Hell are there? – Seven, I think. Why? – Well I was just thinking. If Dad went to Hell for a DUI, what circle do you think he’s in? – Ophelia.
– What? It’s an honest question. – What do you think the answer is? – I don’t know, like
one of the middle ones. – Go to your room. – So the wood box? – No delivery. – Then where was it intended to go? – We never gave an address. – But you ordered it, you needed it. It must’ve gone somewhere. – Nowhere. – But what about your husband? – He’s in here. (crying) (dramatic eerie music) – [Iris] Okay. What am I doing? Comfortable? Not exactly. A little claustrophobic. Still has that new coffin smell. It’s dark in here. Void. Nothing. Nothingness. Is this what it feels like? Can’t be ’cause I can still
hear my own voiceover. (knocking on door) – Hey.
– Hi. Thank you.
– You’re welcome. (laughing) – You know I’ve always
been a hopeless romantic. – More romantic than hopeless. – What are you doing? – Cleaning and scrubbing,
just sitting in the dark. (chuckling) – Can I come in? – Not right now. – What’s wrong you got
another mongoose problem? – Mongoose? – Are they mongoose-stepping
all around the house? – It’s not that. – Yeah I know. I know there’s no
rampant mongoose problem. – No.
– What? – No I’m sorry, no.
– Are you kidding me? – No I’m not kidding. – What do you have like a visitor or what? – I’m busy. – Sitting in the dark? – There’s no visitor, I swear. – That’s a lot of dark
to sit in all alone. – I’m sorry. – It’s fine, it’s totally fine. Enjoy the flowers. I’ll talk to you later. Bye. (sighing) – You know you can read
the newspaper on that. – It says somebody jumped the
Grand Canyon on a unicycle. Think about that. – Nobody reads the newspaper anymore. People are getting stupider. – They’re not stupid. They just don’t care. – People don’t care
they’re getting stupid. (coughing) – How are you feeling? (coughing) You sound awful. – Oh I’m fine. – That’s it?
– A little warm. – Cold? – Warm, I said, warm. – Do you have a cold? – You’re the best granddaughter
a woman could have, but talking to you can be
like talking to the Sphinx. – I don’t think you have a fever. – Who said I have a fever? – Maybe you should take a shower? – Because I coughed? – Well it could cool you down. – I’m cool. – You said warm, Mom-mom, please. – Alright. (thudding) (knocking on door)
– Mom? (knocking on door)
Mom-mom are you okay? Oh my god, Mom-mom. You have to get up. You have to get up, you have to get up. Oh my god, Mom-mom. Mom-mom. Mom-mom. Please. Oh god. (crying) (dramatic music) – Hey, what’s this? – I’m taking a break. – From? – Work. – For how long? – A long while. – Did you talk to the boss? – I need to go home. – Are you sick? – That’s debateable. – Is this your serial killer? – My serial grandmother. – Oh no. Oh I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. – I just can’t believe
I’ll never see her again. – You will have memories of her forever. At least until your brain
fails, and you die too. (laughing) Sorry. So when’s the funeral? – Three days. – [Patricia] Did you plan? – Plan for? – For the funeral. – Plan what for the funeral? – I don’t know, I feel like you have to make reservations or something. – I would think just having the person to have the funeral for
would be all you’d need. – What about your coffin? – It’s not my coffin. – I know I mean, the coffin. – What about it? – You could use it? – For Mom-mom? – [Patricia] You have it. – Ew. – And you do have to get rid of it. – Is that tacky? – It’s not yours. – Black, yeah. – [Seth] Okay no problem I’ll be there. – I’ll see you tomorrow.
– Yeah, see you tomorrow. – Thank you so much. It means so much to me
that you’re gonna be there. – [Seth] I wouldn’t miss it. I love you Iris.
– I love you too. – Although I didn’t know
the deceased personally, I do know that she was a nice woman. She was a good woman. She was a kindly woman. She was very polite. She had arthritis in her left foot. But most importantly she was
a wholesome God-fearing woman. I’d like to close with The Lord’s Prayer. – She’s looking down at you right now. – I’m looking down at her right now. – I was trying to make you feel better. – I can’t believe she’s in there. – [Seth] It never feels right. – Where do you think I got that coffin? – Are you serious? – Do me a favor and take a guess. – Do I have to? – I’m wanna know what you think. – I don’t know. Did the church set it up? – Do they do that? I haven’t been since I was a girl. – Some do. – Can I have a moment alone? – Yeah. Yeah sure, I’ll just,
I’ll be right over there. – I mean, I need to be alone right now. – Okay. Lunch tomorrow? – That sounds nice. – Okay. Call me if you need anything. Okay.
– I’ll come right over. (throat clearing) – Thank you for the service earlier. – Heaven is real, and
they have free parking. – I had a question. – You want to join? – My grandma? – No the church, and of course you can. It’s relatively inexpensive. – No, it’s not that. – We have great brunch on Sundays. – When the church plans the services do– – Have you ever had a Baptist bagel? We are in quite the competition
with the local synagogue. – I’m sorry when the
church plans a funeral do you sometimes send out the coffins? – Oh no the funeral home handles that. We don’t do the messy stuff. – You’re sure? The church never accidentally
sent someone a coffin? – I’m sure, I’m the boss. (laughing) – You don’t keep a coffin
around maybe just in case– – Actually I’m sorry can
I take that back a second? I’m not the boss you-know-who is the boss. – What if someone in the parish wanted to send a coffin to someone? Maybe someone they didn’t like? – The parish loves everyone. – Please. I’m trying to figure out
who sent me a coffin. – I’m sorry but if you’d
want to come on Sunday, we’re serving cream cheese pie. – You have absolutely
nothing to worry about. Nothing on your minds. Nothing keeping you up late at night. Except for maybe me. You’re blissfully ignorant. I bet you’re hungry. One for you, and number five for me. (dramatic somber music) (knocking on door) – It’s open. – I am so sorry. – Don’t worry about it. – But I am, I shouldn’t have overslept. – No no no, it’s understandable. – To be honest, I don’t
want to understand anything. – [Seth] No, people sleep
when they’re depressed. – I’m not depressed, I’m hungry. – Food’s ready. You said you got a pet fish,
so I didn’t cook you any. (laughing)
– Thanks. Looks great. – I want you to know–
– I already know too much. – I know you like to be
strong and self-sufficient and bake your own beans,
but it’s okay to grieve. You lost the woman who raised you. – Thank you, but she’s not lost. She’s in the ground, being
devoured by earthworms. – Earthworms? – Morbid, isn’t it? – It’s okay to be morbid. It’s your grandma. – It’s not just my grandma. – What? – Nothing. – What’s not just your grandma? – Everything but my
grandma is not my grandma. – What does that mean? – It’s meaningless. I’ve got something else on my mind. – Then say what’s on your mind. – I don’t want to say anything. – But you’re thinking it. – I think I don’t know what I’m saying. – Is that why you were sitting
in the dark the other day? – I don’t know. – You know I’m trying really
hard to make it work this time. I wish you’d open up a little bit. – I know. Thank you. (knocking on door) (goofily singing) For me? – For your coffee table. – I don’t have a coffee table. – Well you need one. – Why? – To replace the coffin. – Good point.
– Mm-hm. – You must be happy.
– Happy? – Content. – Happy? – Well with or without the coffee table I think the decor is much improved. – The Feng Shui of my
house is not gonna save me. – You’re being a pessimist. – I’m being a realist. Reality is just terrible. – So any more clues
from your serial killer? – Nothing. – So what’s the latest? – I checked the return address. – Smart. – I checked the shipping company. – Smart.
– I checked the church. – Mm-hm, smart. – I checked every single funeral home to make sure there weren’t
any missing coffins. – Smart. – Then, well. There was a grieving
widow, I harassed her. – Oh that’s unfortunate.
– Yeah. – I pretty much went on a
deranged postal Odyssey. – Yeah, I don’t think he’s coming. – I’ve done everything. – Yeah it sucks there’s no
serial killer number to call, like a hotline or something you know. Like hi I’m looking for my serial killer. Do you know his name, his address? What’s his sign? – What did you just say before. – Before what? – Before the Zodiac thing you just? – Oh the, what a serial killer number? – Oh my god. Boom.
– What is that? – The serial killer number. (laughing) Do you know? – I know we manufactured it. – So you would know? – Who bought it?
– Exactly. – Not personally, no. – But you keep records? – We have a lovely Vietnamese boy who handles all of our records here. – So you have records?
– Of course. – Thorough?
– Comprehensive. – [Iris] How far back? – Been in this business since I can remember people dropping dead. That is? – A serial number. If I gave you the serial number, can you tell me who bought the coffin? – With the Vietnam files, sure. Hm.
– Good? – Weird. – Bad? – Unusual. – Unusually bad? – No wonder we didn’t put an address. – I wonder. – All that’s here is a cross. – Roads? – No, two dark lines
and a bunch of numbers. – Is it a map? – Looks to be upstate. – Are you looking at
latitude and longitude? – Hm. Now would you look at that. – Hey.
– Hi. – I think we need to talk. – Now’s not a good time. – Now is as good of a time as any. – Later has a lot more time than now. – You said that something
else was bothering you. – Right now? – Then. – When? – When you said it. Presumably before as well. – Yes, something. – Besides your grandma. – Yes, I said that, but I didn’t mean to. – Can I come in? – I’m really on my way out. – Now? – Now, and presumably later. – Are you hiding something from me? – Why are you asking so many questions? – Why do you never have answers? – I have to go upstate. – Just give me one minute. – It’s life or death. – [Seth] What, what is? – I have to give some
papers to our clients. – You’re a glorified receptionist. You don’t have clients. – I’m a police dispatcher. No I’m not even that anymore. I don’t know what I am, I’m in a hurry. – Why can’t you tell me what’s going on? I’m worried about you. – It’s unbelievable. – You wouldn’t believe the
things that I would believe. – You’ll think I’m crazy. – With the evidence at hand. – I’m sorry. – I really, I don’t understand. – There’s always time later. (dramatic music) (knocking on door) (knocking on door) – Can I help you? – [Iris] Are you the owner of this place? – Yeah this is my place. – Can I ask who you are? – What’s your business? – You don’t know? – I’ve come to accept those things but hat is this about? – Your deliverance. – Can’t help you with that,
I’m not much into the Church. You should go. – Your delivery. – From what? – Of.
– Of what? – The mail. – Are you the mailman? – You know who I am. – You with the police? You are, aren’t you? – In a way. – How’d you find this place? – [Iris] It wasn’t easy. – We tried to get so far
away from everything. – You have a name? – I do, and you? – Why’d you do it? – I didn’t kill her. I swear it. She just went first. – I saw the grave, who is she? – That’s my wife, Cathy. She, she won the coin toss. – Sir. My name is Iris Hawthorn. If your wife is over there, then why did you send me a coffin, a wreath, and a tombstone? – You? – Yes, your delivery. – That is a doozy, that’s a doozy doozy. I had to mail it to a cop. – I found you. – That coffin I sent to
you was meant for me. – And your wife? – Well she has her own. – So why did I get all those things? – Iris, you say? I’m Horace. Me and Cathy we came
up here for one reason. We had a double suicide pact. We’re not from wealthy stock, so we paid for our funeral arrangements. A family shouldn’t have to foot a bill for a decision like that. – And I have your coffin? – Cath and I, we decided to flip for it
to see who would go first. Two out of three of course, she won. – Or lost. – [Horace] She went first. – She went before you? – She was the only one who went. When it came to my turn. I looked at her. I kind of changed my mind. I know it was wrong, I know it was wrong. I just got, I got scared. I got really scared, I got scared scared. Are you gonna arrest me? Is it illegal what I did? – No, I’m not gonna arrest
you, but why did you ship it? You could’ve buried it, it’s a coffin. – That stuff was really expensive. I didn’t want it to go to waste. – Why me, how do you know me? – I don’t know you. – Why’d you send it to my address? – The old 307 house? – That’s me. – Well we used to live there. I guess that’s the only
address I knew offhand. – So you sent it there? – So I sent it there. – So you sent me everything? The wreath, the coffin, the tombstone? – Yeah but there might
be more coming, I forget. – You gotta be kidding. – I’m sorry for the confusion. It was just when I come
face to face with it, you know sometimes, it’s
like I think I’m the only one thinking about these things, you know? What it’ll be like. Or what it won’t be like. – My condolences for your loss. (dramatic music) (crying) (sighing) (knocking on door) – Hi.
– Hey. Back so soon? – Can I come in? – I don’t know if that’s a good idea. Iris I think, I think we’re coming from
two different places. – One Earth. – Different poles. – Opposites attract. – Different souls. – Do you even believe in soulmates? – I don’t know. – I don’t. – Maybe some people are
meant to be together and some aren’t. – Or we just meet in happy accidents. – Love isn’t spilt milk. – There’s more crying. – Is that the only difference? – People aren’t born
perfect for each other. We have to make it work. – How can we make it work when you won’t even
let me into your place? I mean that’s your problem,
you won’t let anybody in. – That’s not fair. This past week. With my grandma–
– Let’s be honest. You’ve been running around like this since before that happened. Since the moment I knocked on your door. – So let’s go inside. – It’s not about my place or your place or our place in the universe. You won’t tell me about your life. – Death. Never mind. – That’s the thing. I always mind. – So now what? – I think we should end this. – You think? – I do, I’m sorry. – Seth, I’m sorry. – It was my mistake. I came back and, I thought you might want
something permanent. – Can’t we stay outside and banter? – There’s nothing left to say. – [Iris] A little repartee? – Wait like a ritual? – Double suicide. – Oh like that harakiri thing? – I don’t know. – So it was just a guy and
his wife in the woods really? – Just a guy now. I was expecting more. – Yeah but there’s nothing
to worry about right? – Nothing is something to worry about. – You’re still worried, but
about nothing in particular? – Oblivion, in particular. – Alright now you’re sounding a bit like a chamber drama queen? – My grandmother was 72
years old when she died. – That sounds totally average. – If I live to be the same age as her I only have 44 years left. – Didn’t your parents die really early? – I’m trying to be optimistic. – Right okay, of course, I’m sorry. – There’s not even 44 years. It’s only 526 months. – Yeah, how many days is that? – 15,789. – See that’s a lot. – It’ll be less tomorrow. – Probably. – Inevitably. – That’s fair to say. – And that’s the best case scenario. – You could get struck by lightning. – Hit by a car. – A train. – Plane crash. – Global warming. – Asphyxiation. – Heart attack. – Stroke. – Polio. – They cured polio.
– Oh. Oh tuberculosis. – AIDS. – Cancer. – Slip and fall. – Pneumonia. – I could slip and fall. – So what are you going to do until then? – I don’t know. – Are you gonna come back to work? – Sounds tedious. – Yeah but you know work brings money. – Money brings food. – Which is a necessity,
except that it makes you fat. – Alright, I’ll do it, I’ll do it. – Yes.
– I’ll come back. – Yeah, yay. Oh. I really, I don’t know what
I would do without you. Do you think that guy over there is cute? Alright I’m gonna be,
I’m gonna be right back. (knocking on door) – Nobody’s home.
– No kidding. – Should we wait? – We don’t have time. Ma’am, hey. – You’re back.
– For you. – Flowers? – And a card. – A telegram. Dear Iris Hawthorn, I am very sorry to have
sent you those items. I must have given you quite a scare. Please accept my sincere apologies. Yours truly, Horace. – Just this? – And this here.
– And the lilies. – Aren’t they pretty? – Any package? – Not today. – Maybe something tomorrow? – If we knew, we’d bring it today. – All we have is what’s on the truck. – Can I have it? – The truck? – What?
– Whatever. – You want a box from the truck? – I’ll take anything. – It’s not meant for you though. – I’ll figure out who sent it. It’ll be an adventure. – That’s definitely
against company policy. – Article Seven, no adventures. – Maybe something left unclaimed? – Ma’am I don’t know what else you want. – Please. – This is it. (dramatic music) (dramatic music)