Most Crime Dramas

Hello, this is a new network TV procedural
crime drama starring me, a strong female lead with a hard exterior and too much hair. I take myself and my work very seriously. This new show is full of recycled actors from
the same network whose series have ended. And this is my goofy incompetent male sidekick
character who is basically brain dead, but for some reason still has a job. Hey Agent Strong Female Lead, some kids found
a severed head with a brick of cocaine stuffed in it out by the old tuna cannery. Ah yes, just a typical Tuesday afternoon. You’d think with an incredibly creative
and brutal murder being comitted everyday, this entire city would go into a state of
emergency but whatever. C’mon Goofy Male Sidekick. Oh we’re going now? I haven’t even had my morning coffee yet
haha! Ah yes I have seen this exact scenario five
times before, check the ear canal for a micro SD card. Oh no way there is a micro SD card, wow you
are so smart and pretty. Oh no, is there sexual tension between my
partner and I? How did this ever happen? But no, work comes first and my hard outward
personality guards me from any potential romance until the end of season one. Dammit. I also say dammit a lot because we were given
a TV-14 rating and I’m going to make the most use of it. Are there any suspects? Yes, the kids who found the severed head said
they saw this guy sawing off the guys head. Cuff him, Goofy Male Sidekick. Insert sexual handcuff joke here. Oh no I am so innocent I swear to god why. So why did you cut off that man’s head and
stuff cocaine in it? I didn’t I am a squash carver I was just
carving a squash I swear to god you have to believe me oh god. WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE
ARE PLAYING AROUND HERE, CONFESS ALREADY. Oh wow it is ever so slightly attractive when
he is aggressive like that. Ok then if you didn’t do it then why do
you look so evil and fit all of our witnesses descriptions? I don’t know. Guys, you’re gonna want to see this. So this is a head with no body and a micro
SD card in his ear, as well as cocaine stuffed in his head. Oh wow what was on the micro SD card? I don’t know, let’s plug it in and all gather around the
nerd while they decrypt it. Oh no it was a trap we are being hacked. Can you stop it? I don’t know, but I can try by not using
the mouse at all and only furiously typing while looking at irrelevant maps and flashing images. Ok, good yes I have hacked them back by uploading
a counter hack worm to their mainframe infrastructure — Whoa whoa whoa, english. I’m in. Ok where is the killer. He is at this trailer park eating corn, I
can tell by the live HD satellite feed. Ok let’s go. Here we are at the killer’s location, and
as you can see we have it surrounded by heavily armored policemen with protective body armor
and rifles, but my mentally delayed partner and I are really cool so we only have these
little vests and pistols. Let’s go in first. Show me your hands.
Oh wow you have fallen right into my trap. Oh no my foot is in a bear trap how could
I ever be so careless? Goofy Male Sidekick, do something. Ok I don’t know what a gun is or how it
works, but here goes nothing. (bang)
Oh wow you discharged your firearm and straight up killed the bad guy, maybe you’re not
so useless after all. No I am, and I still will be for the next
nine seasons. Let’s get out of here and not file any paperwork
on the severity of the current situation. Hey so maybe you could come over to my giant
lavish New York City apartment later for some chinese food and you could let your guard down. Ok that sounds fun but there will never be
anything between us, it’s strictly professional. Ok you can say that but you like wine a lot. Dammit.


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