Movie Theater Etiquette


Welcome to the Glove and Boots Movie Review! Let’s take a look back at the best films we saw this year, shall we? I saw nothing. I got kicked out of, like, 8 movie theaters last month alone! Ugh… That’s ‘cuz you don’t behave right in the movie theaters! What? I just act how I act when I watch movies at home! I take off my pants, I get some chicken, and I yell at the screen! (munching) Are you good or bad, Magneto? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! HUSH! Going to the movies is great! But you’re not the only one in the movie theater. Unless the movie is really, really bad. So, have respect for your fellow movie patrons, and everyone will have a good time! You’re probably thinking, ‘I know this rule, this is common sense!’ ‘Then, why do they still have to show this before every film?’ (upbeat ragtime music) Sit down, Mario! But I have to pee! The one time you’re actually allowed to talk, is when you miss a part of the movie, ‘cuz you went to the bathroom. What did I miss? (whispering) This happens to all of us, so we sympathize, and we know not to talk when the film starts. But don’t ask like this: WHAT DID I MISS?! And… don’t ask a stranger instead of your friend. Hey buddy, I was making number two. What did I miss? Hush! Fine. Be a jerk. Hey buddy, I was making number two. What did I miss? (growls) Absolutely no cell phones. This includes texting. ‘Cuz when you text… (phones vibrate) (everyone looks down at their phones) Meh! And then you have to do this: ‘Hey! Fafa! I was texting instead of paying attention.’ ‘What did I miss?’ Seriously? Shh! Not all movies start at the same time. The reboot of Beastmaster you’re seein’, may start in five minutes. But everybody else may be going to see ‘The Start of the Dawn of… …the Return to the Planet of… …the Apes of Tomorrow’, and that starts in a half hour. So make sure you know what you want, and you have your money ready. It’s not that hard; they only sell, like, five things. Screw this! I’m sneaking in my own snacks next time. Hmmmm… There’s nothing wrong with sneaking in snacks when you go to the movie theater. Especially since a small soda costs, like, $7.50. But open sneaky snacks at the appropriate time. (emotional scene) (hiss!) Hush! And that’s not the most annoying sound in the movies! Wah! Babies. Everybody loves babies. Everybody loves the movies. Nobody likes babies at the movies! Even if your lil’ bundle a’ joy only cries once, WAAAHHH! (patrons groaning) You’ve ruined the movie for all of us. If your infant can’t support the weight of his own head, he’s not gonna get ANYTHING out of Guardians of the Galaxy. Hey! At least he’s not blocking my view! If you are a tall person at the movies, you are more hated than the fact that popcorn costs 70 bucks. (I hate you, giraffe) If you know you’re tall, Please slouch down a little. Or at the very least, don’t sit down directly in front of, like, a little girl or something. Did he just call me a little girl? Unfortunately, your seat and the seat next to you share an armrest. You are going to have to have an armrest competition with the person next to you if you want it. Follow the same rules you would on an airplane. If your neighbor’s arm gets there first, it’s theirs. If they move it, please follow the five-second rule! Give your neighbor a courteous count to five to reclaim his property. Meh… Follow these common courtesies, and you, and everyone around you will have a great time at the movies! That’s right! Unless that movie has Will Smith’s kid in it! That kid needs acting lessons… Yeah, he’s not very good… Bleh…

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