Near-Death Experience – SNL


>>I’M DR. RHODE AND THIS IS DR.
CHRISTIANSON. WE KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH A
LOT THIS PAST WEEK. WE APPRECIATE YOU BEING HERE.
>>YES THE FACT THAT YOU THREE WERE WERE DEAD FOR 55 MINUTES.
MAKES YOUR NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE OF GREAT INTEREST TO THE
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY.>>WE WERE JUST GAL PALS ON A
ROAD TRIP, TOOK A WRONG TURN INTO A LAKE NOW WE ARE MEDICAL
MIRACLES.>>INDEED.
NOW AFTER YOUR CAR BECAME SUBMERGED AND YOU LOST
CONSCIOUSNESS, WHAT WAS THE FIRST LUCID MEMORY?>>MY SOUL WAS LIKE GENTLY
LIFTED OUT OF MY BODY BY A BEAUTIFUL GLOWING BEING.
IT SAID “I AM YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL, YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME.”
AND THEN WE JUST FLOATED UP AND OUT OF THE CAR.
>>MY ANGEL SAID, TAKE MY HAND, DEAR CHILD, WE FLOATED UP PRETTY
HIGH. BUT I WASN’T SCARED.
I JUST FELT LIKE INFUSED WITH THIS WARM, LOVING ENERGY.
>>AND, YOU MS. RAFFERTY.>>YEAH, UM, SIMILAR CONCEPT.
EXCUSE ME. DIFFERENT EXECUTION.
MY ANGEL SAID, I’M KEITH, HOLD ON.
AND HE VIOLENTLY YANKED MY SOUL UP OUT OF MY BODY BY THE
WAISTBAND OF MY SWEAT PANTS.>>DID YOU ALSO FEEL LOVING
ENERGY?>>NO.
WHAT I MOSTLY FELT WAS THE PINCHING OF AN EPIC LADY WEDGE.
BUT I WAS BEING, YOU KNOW, AIR LIFTED BY THE CROTCH OF MY SWEAT
PANTS. IT WAS JACKED UP INTO MY
COO-COO.>>I SEE.
AND THIS OCCURRED WHILE YOU WERE FLOATING?
>>YEAH, I WOULDN’T CALL IT A FLOAT.
KEITH WOULD RATCHET US INTO THE AIR AND QUICK 5-FOOT SPURTS
FOLLOWED BY SUDDEN STOPS. I DON’T THINK I WAS ROLLING WITH
THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.
>>I SEE.>>NOW AFTER YOU ALL LEFT YOUR
BODY, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?>>I WAS IN A TUNNEL.
AT THE END THERE WAS A BRIGHT GLOW BECKONING ME FORWARD.
JUST INTO THE LIGHT WITH MY ANGEL.
I DIDN’T KNOW IT FELT LIKE I WAS IN PSALMS.
>>THE YEAH, THE CLOSER I GOT TO THE LIGHT THE MORE MY HEART
FILLED WITH LOVE.>>WHAT?
THESE TWO CINDERELLAS ARE GOING TO THE BALL.
MEANWHILE, CUT TO MY TUNNEL, A 6-MILE-LONG
STEEP SLOPE THAT KEITH MADE ME RUN DOWN IN FLIP-FLOPS, AND MY
— MIND YOU, MY SWEATS WERE SO STRETCHED OUT
THEY KEPT FALLING. I HAD TO KICK THEM OFF.
NOW I’M FULL DONALD DUCKING IT. I’M GOING DOWN A 45 DEGREE
DECLINE HANGING OUT.>>WHAT OCCURRED WHEN YOU ALL
REACHED THE END OF THE TUNNEL?>>IN THE LIGHT, I SAW MY MAMA,
SHE SAID, “I’M ALWAYS WITH YOU BABY.”
AND I HUGGED HER. AND NEVER WANTED TO LET HER GO.
>>I SAW MY GRANDADDY. HE TOOK MY HAND.
HE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING.
WE JUST SMILED AND HAPPY CRIED. WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE HOW AMAZING
IT WAS!>>WELL.
AGAIN, I STRAY FROM THE PACK HERE.
SO — I GET INTO MY LIGHT. OUT COME THOUSANDS OF DOGS.
ALL SIZES, ALL BREEDS. JUST DOGS.
JUST RUNNING AROUND, PLAYING, YAPPING.
NIPPING AT EACH OTHER. I’M SPORTING NO PANTS.
SO I’M FIGHTING OFF A GAGGLE OF COLD SNOUTS.
TRYING TO SNIFF MY DRAINER AND MY STAINER.
LOOK, AT LEAST SOMEBODY’S INTERESTED, RIGHT?
>>NOW DO DOGS HAVE A SPECIAL SIGNIFICANCE IN YOUR LIFE?
>>OH, NO, NO, NO. I THINK KEITH BOTCHED AND SENT
ME TO DOG HEAVEN. BY THIS POINT IT WAS PRETTY
CLEAR, KEITH WAS LEARNING ON THE JOB.
>>DO ANY OF YOU REMEMBER THE MOMENT YOU ESSENTIALLY CAME BACK
TO LIFE?>>YEAH, MY ANGEL SAID TO ME,
“IT’S NOT YOUR TIME.” CRADLED ME LIKE A BABY.
TOOK ME BACK DOWN AND GENTLY PLACED MY SOUL BACK INTO MY
BODY.>>YEAH, YEAH, IT FELT LIKE
BEING TUCKED INTO BED BY MY MAMA.
>>NOW I’M ACTUALLY A LITTLE TICKED OFF.
BECAUSE MY ANGEL, JAMMED MY SOUL INTO MY BODY LIKE HE WAS SHOVING
A CARRY-ON INTO A CROWDED OVERHEAD BIN.
I WAS LIKE, “KEITH, BUD MAYBE COME UP WITH A DIFFERENT GAME
PLAN HERE.” AND,
HE KEPT SAYING NO, I CAN MAKE IT FIT.
THEN HE WAS USING HIS ELBOWS TO JAMMING ON MY SOUL.
>>WHY DO YOU THINK THIS WAS SO DIFFICULT?
>>MY THEORY IS THIS — KEITH ACCIDENTALLY GRABBED ONE OF THE
DEAD DOG SOULS AND STUFFED IT INTO MY BODY.
I AM PRETTY SURE THE SOUL OF A SCOTTISH TERRIER SET UP SHOP IN
MY LEFT KNOCKER.>>WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
>>WELL, WHENEVER THE DOORBELL RINGS, MY KNOCKER GOES CRAZY.
PARDON ME, SHARON. IT’S LIKE THIS.
BRR-BRR.>>NOW WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST
DEMONSTRATE ON YOURSELF?>>I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE HIM UP.
>>THIS IS ALL VERY FASCINATING. IF YOU WILL FOLLOW ME, WE WOULD
LIKE TO DO SOME LIGHT BRAIN MAPPING.
>>ALL RIGHT, LET’S JUST MAKE IT QUICK.
BECAUSE I THINK SOMEONE IS UP NOW.
SIT. SIT.
[ APPLAUSE ]

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