Hello and HAPPY DAY! How does slowing down
sound to you today? Would you like to reduce the noise for just a bit? Are you ready to
make a choice and decide to listen? My name is Igor, SF Walker. I am here to remind
people to slow down. To reduce the noise. To walk their lives into a natural flow. Welcome back to the Book of the Week series.
Every week as I read another amazing title, I share it with the world. Today we look at:
No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing
Mind by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson You might think that yelling “Knock it off!”
or “Quit whining!” or giving an immediate time-out would be quicker, simpler, and more
effective than connecting with a child’s feelings. However, paying attention to your
child’s emotions will usually lead to greater calm and cooperation, and do so much more
quickly, than will a dramatic parental outburst that escalates the emotions all around. Dynamics of interacting with children are
always very complex. Behavioral issues simply can’t be resolved with a one-size-fits-all
approach that we apply to every circumstance or environment or child. The two most common
one-size-fits-all disciplinary techniques that parents rely on: spanking and time-outs. What is your definition of discipline anyway,
and why do we immediately tie it to punishment, rather than an opportunity to learn and grow?
Children should have the right to be free from any form of violence, especially at the
hands of the people they trust most to protect them. Research consistently demonstrates that
even when parents are warm, loving, and nurturing, not only is spanking children less effective
in changing behavior in the long run, it’s associated with negative outcomes in many
domains. Granted, there are plenty of non-spanking discipline approaches that can be just as
damaging as spanking. Isolating children for long periods of time, humiliating them, terrifying
them by screaming threats, and using other forms of verbal or psychological aggression.
Therefore, we are all strongly encouraged to avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive,
inflicts pain, or creates fear or terror. For one thing, it’s counterproductive. The
child’s attention shifts from their own behavior and how to modify it, to the caregiver’s
response to the behavior, meaning that the child no longer considers their own actions
at all. Instead, child thinks only about how unfair and mean the parent was to hurt the
child—or even how scary the parent was in that moment. The parental response, then, undermines both
of the primary goals of discipline—changing behavior and building the brain—because
it sidesteps an opportunity for the child to think about own behavior and even feel
some healthy guilt or remorse. Here’s a biological paradox. On one hand,
we’re all born with an instinct to go toward our caregivers for protection when we’re
hurt or afraid. But when our caregivers are also the source of the pain and fear, when
the parent has caused the state of terror inside the child by what he or she has done,
it can be very confusing for the child’s brain. One circuit drives the child to try
to escape the parent who is inflicting pain; another circuit drives the child toward the
attachment figure for safety. So when the parent is the source of fear or pain, the
brain can become disorganized in its functioning, as there is no solution. This is called, at
the extreme, a form of disorganized attachment. Here are some questions to consider, honestly.
Do I have a discipline philosophy? How purposeful and consistent am I when I don’t like how
my kids are behaving? Is what I’m doing working? Does my approach
allow me to teach my kids the lessons I want to teach, in terms of both immediate behavior
and how they grow and develop as human beings? And am I finding that I need to address behaviors
less and less, or am I having to discipline about the same behaviors over and over?
Do I feel good about what I’m doing? Does my discipline approach help me enjoy my relationship
with my children more? Do my kids feel good about it?
Do I feel good about the messages I’m communicating to my children?
How much does my approach resemble that of my own parents? How did my parents discipline
me? Can I remember a specific experience of discipline and how it made me feel?
Does my approach ever lead to my kids apologizing in a sincere manner?
Does it allow for me to take responsibility and apologize for my own actions? How open
am I with my kids about the fact that I make mistakes? There is a part of the brain, called the ventrolateral
prefrontal cortex—and it takes charge of the labeling and then processes the emotion,
allowing the thinking, analytical part of the brain to take over and soothe the irritated
lower regions, rather than letting the reactive, emotional downstairs brain dominate and dictate
the person’s feelings and responses. This is an example of how the “name it to tame
it” strategy works bio-chemicaly. Simply by naming the emotion, a person feels levels
of fear and anger decrease. That’s how the upstairs brain can calm the downstairs brain.
And that’s a skill that can last a lifetime. We simply must learn how to CONNECT, with
children, with self, with others. Benefit #1: Connection Moves a Child from
Reactivity to Receptivity Benefit #2: Connection Builds the Brain
Benefit #3: Connection Deepens the Relationship with Your Child Connection Strategy #1: Communicate Comfort
Connection Strategy #2: Validate, Validate, Validate
Connection Strategy #3: Stop Talking and Listen Connection Strategy #4: Reflect What You Hear Once you do connect, you are ready now to
REDIRECT. Reduce words
Embrace emotions Describe, don’t preach
Involve your child in the discipline Reframe a no into a conditional yes
Emphasize the positive Creatively approach the situation
Teach mindsight tools There is no magical wand and there is no one
size fits all when it comes to parenting, however, we can all use more connection. I
will leave you with 20 statements to think about when we eliminate connection. 1. Our discipline becomes consequence-based
instead of teaching-based. 2. We think that if we’re disciplining,
we can’t be warm and nurturing. 3. We confuse consistency with rigidity.
4. We talk too much. 5. We focus too much on the behavior and not
enough on the why behind the behavior. 6. We forget to focus on how we say what we
say. 7. We communicate that our kids shouldn’t
experience big or negative feelings. 8. We overreact, so our kids focus on our
overreaction, not their own actions. 9. We don’t repair.
10. We lay down the law in an emotional, reactive moment, then realize we’ve overreacted.
11. We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming
themselves down. 12. We consider an audience when disciplining.
13. We get trapped in power struggles. 14. We discipline in response to our habits
and feelings instead of responding to our individual child in a particular moment.
15. We embarrass our kids by correcting them in front of others.
16. We assume the worst before letting our kids explain.
17. We dismiss our kids’ experience. 18. We expect too much.
19. We let “experts” trump our own instincts. 20. We’re too hard on ourselves. Please help out, its easy, simply like this
video so more people can enjoy it. Share it too and spread the word. Subscribe to my channel
and stay up to date. Link to this book is in the description below. Buy it. Read. Never
stop learning. Thank you