*cat growl and hiss* Son of a whore fucking cunt nugget! That goat raping, nun fisting little piece of shit! Why does he always sleep on the fucking top step? Because John Alex when the door is closed that’s where the warm air goes. No, no that is an excuse, that is a fucking cover, that is an alibi John Francis. You do not sleep on the top step when
you are trying to keep warm, you sleep on the top step because that’s the one
with the most gravity… Okay. I… I didn’t come over here to talk about it, okay? No one’s asking you to. Oh. That, that’s good we can, we can just move on. What the fuck are you doing anyway? I’m… I’m taking the job in Berkeley. Fuck. Fuck. Is your Mom kicking you out? No. It’s just, it’s time. Is this about last night? No, it’s.. I mean that’s… I was gonna tell
everybody last night, but… Well, yeah. Wow…. wow! Holy shit! GURPS! GURPS…. GURRRPS! I haven’t seen this in years. Oh the campaign you ran with the magic and the spaceships and the pirates and
that cyberpunk shit and the vampires and Cthulhu. This is like
all gaming books. This is like all your gaming books. Yeah. You’re giving away all your gaming books. Yes. I’m not gonna game anymore. You’re not going to game anymore. I’m not going to game anymore. What about booksturbating? Booksturbating? Booksturbating. You take a gaming book, some wine… some romantic music… maybe some pencils and paper… You skim a little, read the good parts,
you fondle, smell the cover… maybe make some
characters… maybe it’s just some quality time with the book to show you still
care. Yeah… I… yeah. I mean what the fuck are you gonna read? Wuthering Heights? Wuthering fucking Heights? It’s a classic. Have you ever read this? Have you even actually cracked the spine? No, but I might, I will someday. What the fuck is wrong with you? No one actually reads Wuthering Heights
except for English majors and even they don’t enjoy it. You can’t booksturbate with crap like this.
No a book like this is all like no, baby, we gotta make love, and
you gotta look me in the eyes the whole time, and stroke my hair and
tell me it’s okay when I can’t make you come. Look, do you want any of those or not? Holy shit, this is about last night, it totally is. You’re all like I’m gonna show John Alex how he scarred me for life how his insensitivity has made it so that I can’t game anymore. Well fuck you! Yes John Alex that’s exactly what it is. Have you told Tara that you’re leaving? Have you told her that you’ve given up gaming? No. Dude she is gonna fucking kill you! Yeah well why don’t you worry about yourself, okay? Fuck you. You know what, this is insane. This is fucking neurotic, passive-aggressive, thumbsucking bullshit and I am not gonna be your codependent… whatever. You call me when, you know, you’re not an asshole. But I am gonna borrow these. And I’m going to read them, because they’re good, and
I’m going to booksturbate the fuck out of them. Oh goddamnit Gygax get the fuck out of my way! *hiss* *door close* I’m sorry about that. that was my best friend John Alex. He can
be like that sometimes… all the time. He has a point but… When I was a child I spake as a child I understood as a child, I thought as a
child but when I became a man I put away
childish things for now I see through a glass darkly. I was 8 when I started playing roleplaying games. My cousin Seamus is 13 or something and he’s like… a god. He asked me if I ever played a role
playing game and I said, “What’s that?” and he said “It’s like rules for playing pretend.” First thing I did when my mom bought me the basic set was to tell John Alex about it. That is the stupidest, stupidy, stupid show in all of stupidom. I can’t believe I used to think Duke was cool. There’s this game I… Do you know why it’s the stupidest? Do you know why? They never kill anybody. Right! They never kill anybody. They shoot with their lasers… pew pew pew pew pew. They shoot all hecking over the place, and nobody gets a scratch. Okay, missle coming at the tank, right? Missle coming at the tank… What happens in real life? Right! What happens in real life? *booom* *screaming* In that… the people jump out of the tank. The people jump out of the cowsucking tank. They see the stupid missile coming,
and they jump out of the dumb stupid tank. That is supposed to be about… war. Right. War. War is heck. People die in war. I’m a kid, I’m not stupid. What, you think you don’t show people dying I won’t shoot people? No. You show people dying, I don’t shoot people. People die. Shooting bad. People should cry about war. Hey I’ve got a new game. John Alex and I grew up together. Houses right next to each other. Same first name, same last name.
Sat next to each other in class. We were pretty much destined to be friends. Jason was different. Cross-country, baseball, basketball. The point is, whole different planet. But freshman year of high school he sees these two geeks sitting on the bleachers who looked
like they didn’t need anyone else in the world. Jason stopped and asked what we were doing, and stuck around. Three credit hours is three hours. Another three for homework, an hour for
lab, another three for travel time and Callie wants me to spend more time with her. *cough* Whipped. I’m just saying it’s a hard track to get back onto. Dude I’m already off that track, I’m out, I’m done. And I’ll value your input a
little higher after you’ve been in contact with the same girl longer than a minute and a half. This is a fucking money grab. It is not a money grab. Yeah you’re practically drooling over that book. I didn’t say I didn’t like it. This is going to be the best thing that ever happened to the hobby. Sorcerer. That’s so gay. Stupid. What? Don’t say gay when you mean stupid or
lame, say stupid or lame. I can say what I want. Not around me you can’t. What the fuck, so are you gay or are you stupid? Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas…
Jason is not gay. Like myself he is simply a proud straight
man who happens to love sucking cock. Yes, who happens to love sucking cock. Thank you. I mean who doesn’t love sucking cock? Seriously. It is pretty tasty. Sweet spongy man cock. Nothing like it. I’m seeing a lot to like here. Yeah they better not do what they did with 2nd. Here we go again. No it was a fucking travesty. I didn’t think it was that big a deal. It was a motherfucking travesty John Francis. That travesty was fucking your mother. See you always… No, no, no. This is how they get you. They? The fucking Christians John Francis. You’re a Christian. Not a retarded Christian. Of course. 1980. 1980. Kid commits suicide. Commits suicide. Was it the drugs maybe? Was it the pre-existing mental illness? Was it the fact that he was 19, gay in the Reagan-era and dating guys in their fucking 30s? No. No. Gotta be the D&D. Gotta be the D&D. One 60 Minutes story and you’re off to the races.
Two weeks ago Kathy V. comes up to me and says… “I’m worried about your soul.” I’m worried about your mother fucking soul. I thought it was kinda sweet. Of course it was sweet she’s a stooge. For Pat Robertson. For Pat Robertson. D&D, it’s occult, it’s satanic, it’s the devil and people believe him. And the worst part about it is – 1989. TSR comes out with Advanced Dungeons and Dragons 2nd Edition and I open up my Monsters Compendium, to look for my demons and my devils so that I may smite them
and what do I find? Nothing. Nothing, they’ve wiped it fucking clean. I mean they’ve got room for lame ass monsters like Giant Frogs and Pixies, but when it comes
to my bread and butter demons and my devils, my baylors and my succubi… nothing! Do you know what that is? No idea. Appeasement. Appeasement. Appeasement. September 1, 1939. Hitler invades Poland. What does Europe do about it? Nothing. I don’t think… Oh don’t mind me I’m just want a little Lebensraum. I’m pretty sure that was Austria. Pat Robertson is looking for Lebensraum in your hobby and you two are collaborators. The next person to join our little group was Edward. But you don’t get to meet him, because he was an asshole. You’re god damn right he’s an asshole,
and not an average asshole. That piece of shit is a gaping, unwiped hernia farm. How do you cheat on someone like Tara? You don’t want this. You want the basic rulebook,
you can’t use this without the basic rulebook. Look, I know what you’re thinking. This looks like a woman who rolls
wizard, not fighter. And you’re right. But the thing is, little bump to your broad sword skill, twenty-points in strength, balance it out with Sense of Duty, or Vow, you know, depending, and all of a sudden you’re a disgraced Elven royal guardswoman whose father disowned her because of the
burgeoning magical gift she could no longer suppress. She’s got this martial training she
resents, this magical talent she’s conflicted about… maybe a dueling scar that only enhances her beauty, and you are ready to rock. Am I right? …and it’s not just cheating on Tara it’s
cheating on Tara with Brianna. Some men have no taste. I know and it’s like he didn’t even spare a fucking thought for what it was going to do to us. What? Um, Tara? Eh she’ll get over it fucking broken heart. But now we have to decide who gets
to stay in the gaming group. Did you not see her, she was wrecked.
I’ve never seen her so devas… I mean Edward, yes asshole, but he gives really good role play. She like, couldn’t breathe. I mean, so good. On the other hand Tara is pretty cool. We’ll have to figure out a way to keep her from talking about her backstory though. I cannot fucking believe you. What we keep them both? Tara is the sweetest, smartest, most kind-hearted human being any of us have ever met. You watch Edward treat her like shit for six
months running and then he goes and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has the moral fiber of a… fucking slug and you’re sitting here debating who we keep around?
What the fuck, no. That asshole is bounced as of right now. What? Well good for you Sparky. Absolutely. What the hell are you talking about? Oh you don’t mean. I don’t, I don’t, I totally don’t. Okay, I totally do. Shit. What do you mean shit? Yeah exit asshole enter sweet and sensitive, everybody wins, except the asshole. I’m not gonna… you saw her, she’s a mess. Yeah… She doesn’t need another guy right now
she needs friends. If it ever happens with her I don’t want it to be a rebound thing, so you know, statute of limitations. I can get behind that. And mouths shut, okay? Of course. Okay, but I get dibs on telling Edward to fuck off. Any idea on what you’re gonna do about his character? Oh I think I’ll figure something out. So instead of going straight to the
College of Wizards to do research like Edward said, Maldrick stopped off at the inn and picked up a half orc whore? Right. And this half orc whore actually turned
out to be a member of the Cult of the Black Hand and wound up knocking him out and kidnapping him. Right. And by the time we got to him he had
been tortured so badly that we can’t even tell what’s been done to him, except that his genitalia was definitely
chopped or possibly bitten off and fed to a pack of rabid hyena people? Right. Is it wrong that I find that so very, very satisfying? So I waited until she had a chance to get
her legs under her and when the moment was just right… Hey Tara, um… Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god I couldn’t wait to tell you. I met the most fantastic guy last night… He’s just.. oh… he’s just… You have to meet him. Great… Yeah, like you didn’t see that coming. But it gets better. Couple months later… Hey, John Francis… so um… Hey Tara, I met the most amazing girl last night,
you have to meet her and you have to be honest okay because
it’s early, but you just have to meet her! Great. Great. Great. Great. That is fantastic. And now… I’m leaving. Characters. No, no… we’ll get to you. Let’s start with the longest lineage. This room is a 10 foot by 10 foot square. An orc with a spear is guarding a chest. What’s an orc? This… Woah… no way. I can’t fight that. It’ll beat the snot out of me. And stab me with it’s spear. I’ll be like red blood snot paste. Can I sneak up on it? Okay… what are you wearing? Plate mail armor and hobnail boots. You can sneak up on it, but where you gonna hide? Behind the chest! Roll roll roll! Uh… fifteen. It’s high… you hit him. You sneak up behind the chest, jump out and stab the orc in the neck. Blood comes out in a big spish all over the wall and the chest, spish, and the orc, spish! Yes, yes, yes, mwah hah hah! In the chest you find three gold pieces and a garnet. A garnet? A garnet. I’ll stab it in the throat! I didn’t find out what a garnet was until I ran across one in a catalog a couple years later. The whole sneaking up and stabbing somebody from behind thing spoke to John Alex. So after that he played rogues.
Rogue, after rogue, after backstabby rogue. And every single one of them was named Spango Garnetkiller. I am Spango Garnetkiller. 17th of that name. I’m a 12th level rogue, although I do
not know that since I’m a character and do not know anything about being part of some game. I’m a halfling… which is a hobbit but not copyrighted by
the Tokien estate. Whatever that may be. I have 22 AC and 7 sneak attack dice. Whatever those may be. I am more rakish than John Alex, more daring and slightly more handsome. I’m also a touch smarter and
for some reason I do not curse. I am descended of 16 other Spango Garnetkillers, every one a hero. Spango Gartnetkiller the 1st died when
he failed a pickpocketing attempt tried to fight his way past three dozen town guards. No matter what John Francis said. Spango Garnetkiller the 2nd, the 3rd and
the 4th were created while John Alex was still not speaking to John Francis due to the death of Spango Garnetkiller the 1st. Spango the 5th was eaten by a dragon. Spango the 6th was an elf, as John Alex believed they were sneakier. He was decapitated by a blade trap in Castle Blackthorn. so Spango the 7th was a halfling. Spangos the 8th, 9th, 10th and 11th saw John Alex through the grades that bear their names. Each adventured from September to June and each was more deadly than the last. Spanga the 12th was a girl. John Alex learned much about himself that summer. Spango the 13th was an albino, half vampire, wizard/bounty hunter/cowboy with a magic sword and a cyberarm. He lived an interesting life. Spango the 14th was lost during the Great Purge of John Alex’s Stuff By His Mom, during his sophomore year of college. My next incarnation was from that game in his senior year, without John Francis, where that whore Brenda cheated on John Alex
with the game master. We do not speak his name. Spango the 16th was killed, ironically enough, by an orc guarding a chest in a 10 foot by 10 foot room. And thus, I was born. I have lived the longest of them all. I’ve won many treasures and many scars. Were I to tell you all their stories we would be facing the dawn, and, frankly, you would be bored to tears. But John Alex loves me. And it is good to be loved. We play every week at Linda and Brandon’s house. Brandon has absolutely no interest in
gaming per se. His thing is football. But he plays every game. Linda likewise has no real interest in
football. But she watches every game. But, oh right. You should meet their characters first. Ay am Durak McMackMack. Son of Clendak McMackMack. Son of Gorak McMackMack. Son of Gak McMack. Son of Mack the Mack. Ay am a cleric of the mighty dwarven god Kier. Who bestows me with a plethora of abilities of a miraculously curative nature. Moi companions are almost obscenely fortunate to have me, as they are getting themselves maimed and/or kilt on an alarmingly regular basis. Ay am occasionally called upon to smite said beasties myself. For which purpose I have been equipped, by me god, with a long, hard, throbbing shaft of metal. With which I can pound away non-stop for days on end. Or, as we call it in Dwarven, a hammer! As the more perceptive among ye may have observed, that last bit is what we dwarves refer to as a wenis joke. Which is to say, a joke about moi wenis. As the ladies among you are no doubt aware, dwarves are well known for the massive length,
and girth, of their wenises. Their wenii. Wenae? We have big, fat cocks. Later. I am Throg, the barbarian. I am a barbarian! I have a sword. and, and also other weapons. I hit it in the face. Woah, woah, woah. No need to hit anything, it’s just introductions. All you have to do is introduce yourself,
tell a little bit about yourself. I hit it in the face! No, no no. It’s not a monster. You can’t hit it, okay? Can’t hit it. Now introduce yourself. I shoot it in the face? John Francis. Tara! We have a problem. Yes. A major problem. Yes? We need to talk. We do. I keep dying. You do? Four times last week? Um… yes. I am at risk of becoming a laughing stock. I’m not sure how to break this to you but
you’re kinda already… Don’t. I will not weep. I will keen. Well… Uhhnnn…. Ahhhhh! Why… do I… keep dying… John Francis? You’re the party’s wizard it’s kind of your job. No it is my job to be smarter and prettier
than everyone else and to make things blow up real good. Mmmmn. Look, I just want one night. One night without the dying and the
getting raised and the dying again. One night where I get to
save the day and be the hero. So you want me to cheat. No. Nooo. No, what I want is a little inside scoop, you know? A little extra noodge, to give me an edge. One tiny little whispered hint,
dropped carelessly from the GM’s lips, into my tender, receptive ears. No. Oh! Sorry GM’s code. Please? No. Sexual favors? What kind? The filthy degrading kind where I do
things to you that make you question everything you know about yourself. The kind you can’t even find on the internet. Where we can’t make eye contact for a month. Cookies? What kind? Chocolate chip walnut. Ohhh.. you play dirty. You have no idea. Get a room, get a room I say. My eyes cannot
abide such rampant carnality! Ow! You can watch until the end of the show and
then I want you to get ready for bed. And Haley if you sit on your brother one more time
I swear to God I will kill you with my bare hands. I’ve done it before you used to have two older siblings
you don’t even know about. Hi sweetheart. Hey Linda. Honey you okay? Yeah I’ve got some news but it can wait. You sure? Yeah. Does it have to do with… herself? No Linda. John Francis, honey, you gotta let her make an honest
woman out of you and soon. The children are all upset. We can’t understand why mommy and daddy haven’t kissed yet. Thanks Linda, I’ll take that under advisement. You two are gonna level houses for blocks when you finally go off. The pieces are all in place for a classic Hiroshima fuck. I’m a little jealous. I’ll be sure and alert FEMA Linda. Sweetie I kid, but you know I’m right. Last I’ll say about it. You sure you okay? Yeah. Okay. Brandon, game time! Get that cute butt down here! Okay where did we leave off last time? Oooh ooh pick me pick me! Mmmn Linda. Awww. We were standing in the Whiteskull Desert, about to enter the
Tomb of the Lich King Amun Fashar. Which contains the Book of All Souls which the dragon Skelzyx will apparently
use to end the world in a torrent of undeady badness if we don’t get
our hands on it and destroy it first. Okay, initiative. I got it. Cool. Roll for initiative. What? We’re standing in the middle of the desert. What’s going to attack us the sand? Roll please. Thirteen. Eleven. Crap, five. 17. 29. The opposition has a 19. That makes it John Alex, monster, me, Jason, Linda, Tara. John Alex? It would help if I knew what the fuck was going on. You may be able to hear something. Fuck, 11. You hear a faint rumbling. Where? Everywhere. Fuck. You’re being grappled. Fu.. Fuck. I’m gonna get swallowed alive again aren’t I? Fuck. No, you’re going to bore it to death. Shut up and roll. Fine. Negative 2. How is that even possible? When you’re three feet tall and you’re
trying to wrestly something that’s… 80 feet long. Then yes, it’s entirely possible. Fuck. The rumbling sound gets louder and louder. Suddenly a massive purple shape bursts through the sand beneath your feet spilling you in all directions. An armored worm-like creature several stories tall towers over you. As you pick yourselves up off the ground, you realize that Spango has disappeared, right into the creature’s mouth. A fucking purple worm. Oh, and take 20 damage for you know being eaten. Ow. Next. I hit it in the face. You can’t reach it’s face. Does a 31 hit in a place where I can hit it? Yep. Oh. 17. Throg plants his axe firmly between two segments on the worm’s body. Jason. I shall likewise charge in and attempt to save our little furry-footed bit of worm food. I’ll worm food you. Can’t hear you dude. You’re trapped inside a worm. Can you hear this motherfucker? Sword. Worm. 16. Nope. The worm shifts at the last minute and the blade of your sword lands with a thunk on the flat side of an armored plate. Gimme back my wee Spango you great purple willywanger. I am bringing down the extra dwarfy wrath tonight. Touch attack. Ten. Shit. No, no you’re trying to lay hands on the
broad side of an 80-foot long worm. You hit. And I shall lay hands upon it and drive the purple wormy demons out. In the name of the Lord of the Dwarves!…to the tune of 120 points of damage, thank you very much. Jesus. No. I said it was Lord of the Dwarves. And Dives Into Worms over there should be singing his praises right about now. *Mmmnnn* There is a crack like thunder as Durak brings his glowing hands together on the side of the worm. There is a flash and the worm writhes in pain. It isn’t dead yet? 80 feet long. If I cast Lighting Bolt at it, that won’t hurt Spango, right? You can try it and find out. *Mmmmph* I’m kidding, I’m kidding, Magic Missle… pew pew pew pew. 21 points of damage. Blue green bolts of eldritch energy streak from your fingers and lance unerringly into the worm’s flank. Mmmn, the man evokes. You got some drool on your chin there sweetie. John Alex. Am I safe in assuming there’s somewhere soft and pink that I can stab this thing? You always have a hard time with that don’t you? Shut up. You are still inside it so yes. For sneak attack damage? Yes. Then I stab that fucker right in the uvula. Uvula? The tonsils, the uvula, the gullet, whatever. 20! Fuck yeah, woop woop hop on board the train to critical hit city! And a one and a two and a three for the dagger, and a one, two, three four, five, six, seven for the sneak attack! And that would be 51 points of pointy metal right in that fuckstick’s uvula! There is a massive gagging sound as the worm vomits out Spango who is covered in blackish bile and a gelatin-like substance the color of rotting plums. E-vokes. Och my wee friend you stink more than usual
but at least you’re in one piece. I kick the worm. That should be a lesson to him. Aye? Never bring a worm to a knife fight. *boos and hisses* John Alex took the worm’s poison stinger as a souvenir, leading to the inevitable dick jokes from Linda.
And we played for about another two hours before our first big break.
I was all set to reveal the great and tragic secret that I was leaving.
But I got pre-empted. Hey everybody. While we’re stopped I’ve got sort of an important announcement to make. I should have probably
told you this a while ago, but I uh… well I’ve been um… shit. Go ahead honey. I enlisted. *music flourish* Vedui allair.|(Fond greetings luminous ones.) My name is Alaya Istwen Orniel Canadeth Doliel Braniel Celebni Maethorwen Basni Minu. Galadhnis Helehuinis Maechel Esgalni Narnila Ildina. Saelhirl Tasana Tuala Aeltanna, Timyon Gilodyon Ludadhaan Dadonhuig Rillun Whispersong Starwillow. But you may call me Alaya. I am the natural daughter of the Elven Queen
Ald’saneth, who was ravaged by the evil Prince Rannon during the waning years
of the Third War of The Dragon’s Eye. This makes me heir to the Elven kingdom of Bil’Sa’Sa’Saneth and to the human kingdom of Rathgart, though I can claim my birthright in neither.
In the tiny village where I grew up, where my mother left me in shame on the doorstep
of a kindly, childless human couple I was mocked and teased for being different. I bore the pain of their taunts stoically for many years,
until my parents sold me to a passing circus. It was among the rough hewn but good-hearted circus folk that I blossomed into womanhood.
My first love was named Tomas. A drover’s boy, son of the bearded lady… *offscreen* No. He was the first one to love me for who I am,
not who I was born to be, and although he was a touch simple…. *offscreen* Nope. Who was I to say no to a sweet and innocent kiss
on a midsummer’s night? His father, however… No, no, no, no. Nonono. But… No no no. No. No. No. Now did anyone actually ask you to tell them about yourself? Not as such. At all? No. And what is the rule? Never tell anyone about your character unless they specifically ask and even then make sure they
really really really want to know. And did you break the rule? Auta miqula orqu, feuyaer!
(Go have romance with an orc, one who smells!) Just because it’s a made up language doesn’t
mean I didn’t understand you. Is that any way for a Half-Elven Double Princess to talk? I am the GM. I can have you killed. K’sher! Yes I broke the rule. Now. What happens when you can’t keep
your backstory to yourself? People get bored. So… Amin hiraetha.
(Boundless apologies.) In English? I’m sorry. That was very nice. You can go now. Anyways the drover’s son was killed by orcs, which is why I hate orcs,
but I don’t hate them nearly as much as I hate dark elves, because my half sister is one
and she’s a total B’sheinah. But I can’t kill her because I swore a blood oath
on my mother’s grave so she’s another tragic plot hook I’ve had to deal with and someday
I’m going to slay a dragon and reclaim both my kingdoms and find true love and I’m a sorcerer
so that means I can cast spells. So. Jason enlisting in the Marines. I’m not implying anything I’m just saying I think it’s interesting that you always seem to have just the right spell
memorized for every occassion. Well you know I figured it’s called the Tomb of the Lich King. We might run into some undead maybe a Lich, or even a Lich King. You know Linda, this whole listening to John Francis
and paying attention to plot details thing has gotta stop you’re only gonna encourage him. Are my mad role playing skills causing you to question your masculinity? Frankly yes. Then I am a happy woman. So what is a Lich anyway? I mean I know it’s an undead wizard in game
but what does the word actually mean? Tara, everybody knows that. It’s Middle English for undead wizard. Yes, thank you, but seriously what does it mean? You know, I looked it up before the game, it’s Dutch, it means “monster that kills Tara repeatedly.” Shut up! Why do I keep dying in the climactic enounters? Some people might blame the fact that wizards have no hit points. Right. But me, I think it’s because you suck. John Francis, they’re teasing me again. No, no, no, she’s right, you really do suck at this. Ah! I thought my heart could find safe harbor with you at least.
I can but fade from this cruel life. Okay, I think I’ve got it. 2200 experience points for killing the Lich King, 500 for recovering the book, and when it comes to magic items, first up one slightly used Mace of Disruption. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. mine. The wand? Dibs. +1 Shortbow. All you bro. Sure. Cloak of Charisma. You know I’ve got almost too much Charisma. Almost. Gauntlets. Honey you get the gauntlets! Is that good? +2 to Strength, major ass kickage! Hooray! And there’s also a Ring of Sustenance. What? While wearing it you do not have to eat or drink and you only have to sleep 2 hours a night. Wow. Treasure beyond my wildest dreams. Guys? Mace is plenty for me and Brandon wouldn’t even know he had it. I’m already wearing a full compliment of magickal playpretties. I guess I could use it standing watch. I want it. Roll for it. Huzzah! Hey… if it means that much to you. No, no you won it fair and square. Seriously. No, really it’s fine. Okay, scrolls, potions and gold. Right. Anyway… gold, so we’ve got… No. Um… sorry, gold… I don’t care. Fine, roll. What the fuck are you doing trying to pick Jason’s pocket? In character, please. Right, right. Sorry, Spango, what the fuck are you doing trying to pick Kester’s pocket? I wanted the ring. Dude I offered to give it to you. Fuck off. What? Woah. I’m stabbing him in the throat. No, you’re not. John Alex? I thought I told you to fuck off. This isn’t about the ring is it. Oh did you figure that out all by yourself? John Alex, honey, settle down. No, it’s alright. Look… I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you guys. I’m not pissed at you for not telling us I’m pissed at you for going. Well I can understand that but… I mean are you really that stupid? Hey don’t call me stupid. Stupid. Don’t call me stupid you know how I feel about that. How about borderline retarded. Fuck you. How about simple minded, thick-headed, stonedumb, mouthbreathing retard
and we’ll leave it at that. Guys. I understand you’re feelings John Alex but I swear to fucking God if you don’t shut your fucking mouth… What you gonna do, kick my ass? *slap* Settle down. Let’s chat. Now. What the fuck was that? Look um, I’m sorry, I… uh.. I messed up. That wasn’t you. I’m just, I’m just gonna go. Are you sure honey? Yeah. Okay, just give yourself a couple minutes to calm down before you drive. Sure. Jason. Yes sorry I will. Thanks Linda. Are you okay honey? Did they ever fight like that before? Um no, never. We just, don’t do that. I’m not gonna get an answer to that whole
what the fuck thing am I? So where’s John Alex? He’s walking home, far as I know. Oh. I just told him calmly and reasonably I understood he’s upset but he should probably takes some time to just cool off. And then I told him clearly that if he ever brought violence again like he did tonight into the house where my children sleep, that I would end him. That’s my barbarian. Well crap, I’m his ride. Well then he’ll have a nice walk home. He lives like 10 miles from here. Well then, he’ll have a nice long walk home. No, he’s an asshole, but he’s our asshole. Night all. Well you boys can stay up and chat as long as you like but I’m going to bed. Yeah, thanks. I’m mad at him too you know. Jason? Yeah. Not as mad as I am at John Alex right now, but… Yeah, me too. You know I’ve never really… how do you feel about it, the war? Well, complicated issue but basically I’m against. Linda’s for. Really? I know, you would think it would be the opposite wouldn’t you? You? I keep going back and forth with it, I mean it’s like it’s the only thing in the world where I don’t really know. I mean I’m like what’s the solution here what’s the answer, and I’m used to having one, but about this I don’t. Yeah. Brandon? What do you really think about gaming? What do you mean? Well it’s just when you compare it to fighting for your country or being a brain surgeon or you know worthwhile stuff it’s pretty pointless. Yeah. What? Nothing, look thanks for having us over, and thanks a lot for the beer and for the talk. I’ll see you later. I am Kester the Younger. I am a Paladin Sargeant of the Knight’s Marshall of the Church of St. Cuthbert, God of Justice and of Retribution. I go where evil is and I end it. I go where things are wrong and I make them right.
I defend the weak and chastize the tyrant. That is what I do and what I do is what I am. There is no more. *door open* Who’s a boodgie? Who’s a boodgie? Who’s the best boy ever? Hey. Hey. I just wanted to stop by and make sure you’re okay. Are you okay? Yeah. I mean, no, but, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. So, have you talked to either of them yet? John Alex was here just a minute ago,
I haven’t spoken to Jason yet. So, how is the asshole? He’s… You know I was gonna say the usual, but he’s not, he’s upset. Hey. No seriously. Someone goes away, you miss them. You worry. You tell them how much you love them. You don’t pick a big baby sissy slapfight with them. Baby sissy slapfight? In spirit it was a big baby sissy slapfight. Three brothers, I know whereof I speak. They will make up within 2 days, mark my words. I don’t think so. Really? It’s not gonna come from John Alex’s end. Seriously? You didn’t see him earlier… and Jason.. Oh, c’mon. He is way bigger than that. Yeah but he’s pissed. Well, whatever. Boys are stupid. Hey, um, before the whole thing last night I was… You’re not cleaning. No. You’re packing. Yep. For Berkeley. Yeah. Oh. Well… Fuck. John Francis. Jesus. It wasn’t that bad. You didn’t start this last night. No. Exactly how long ago did you start this? Couple weeks. Well… Fuck. *door closes* *door opens* Hey. Hey Brandon. What are you doing here? I was just um, hey is Tara okay? No, not really. You’re taking the Berkeley gig? Yeah. Oh, so you and um… yeah I guess that would do it. Well, um, welcome to my former, almost not room. Thank you. Hey listen I don’t want to take up a lot of your time. But you know that thing I said about gaming last night? Yeah. You said it was pointless. Yeah. Change your mind? Oh, no, no, no… it’s totally pointless. You know that vase that used to sit on
our mantlepiece in our living room? The pink one right? Yeah, yeah yeah. Used to hold my grandmother’s ashes. Used to? Last game of the season three years ago. I picked it up, and chucked it at the wall, hard as I could. Because football matters to me, a lot. But gaming, it’s just wizards and fairies and unicorns, just all this stuff that just isn’t… it’s just not me, you know? But football and gaming have something in common. They’re both utterly and completely pointless and they matter. So, Linda comes downstairs, she finds me covered in ashes because this guy in like, funny clothes falls forward those two extra feet, and she doesn’t get it, I mean, why should she it’s totally irrational behavior. But she gets me. I look at my wife on the other side of the table and I see her pretending to be a dwarf cleric of whatever, and, to be honest with you, when it comes right down to it, I have no idea what that’s about. But I love to watch her play. And Jason enlisting, well he’s going. And we get to watch him go. And not understand why. Not really. But I do know this. I can guarantee you there are going to be nights when he’s there in Iraq and just thinking about playing with you guys is gonna be what gets him through. So. Have you decided what you’re going to throw
at us on Jason’s last night in town? No. You will. Congratulations on the Berkeley thing. It’s a beautiful town. I used to think you could run a game without one of these. I mean it’s got all the charts and
stuff on the back and it hides your maps and everything so that the players can’t cheat.
But one day I realized it’s not to keep them from cheating, it’s to make it so that I can. Spango tries to pick Kester’s pocket. Does anybody see it? The dice say 3, 7, 4 and 1. I said there was no way in hell John Alex was going to get away with that shit. So I cheated. So that’s how you get to be good. The trick to being great? It’s when you realize that fudging dice rolls isn’t the only way to cheat. That manipulating the players isn’t a necessary evil, it’s your job. That your players want you to play God. Because if you’re doing it right, they know you’ll take care of them. The Libris Mortis. The Black Tome. The Forbidden Codex. The Book of All Souls. It is a foul rift between the worlds of life and death. Bound to the physical realm in the form of dark knowledge. Written in blood, on pages of human skin. The bridge is long and ancient, carved from the same black stone as the massive shrine that sits at the end of it. The crater edge hits mountain to the left and to the right. The bridge is the only way across the lava to the Shrine of the Holy Inferno, where
the bluish white radiance of the ever flaming pillar burns endlessly up into the sky. The road has been long and difficult, but now it ends. I cross the bridge and throw the book into the flame. Not that easy, not in a million fucking years. There is a thunderous roar from somewhere high above you. Told you. A dark winged shape streaks downward from the sky. Shit, fucking motherfucking Skelzyx. Goddamnit. *dragon shrieking and landing* You’re welcome to try dragon. We are so fucked. Brandon, you take the left, I’ll take the right.
John Alex, see if he can get around behind him. He has a tail you know. Fine do whatever the fuck you want. Tara, you’re artillery, use your best judgement.
Linda, Protection from Electricity, then healing, then buff us up, then offensive spells. You’re our ambulance, whatever happens don’t go down. Got it. Alright don’t pretend you didn’t do your research. Spill. We’re talking somewhere in the range of 300 hit points. He’ll be dishing out between 140 and 160 with the full claws/bite/wings/tail routine each round. And 14d8 when he breathes lightning. Fuck. Wow. 14d8? Yeah I figure he… aww fuck. You rules-grubbing, metagaming piece of shit.
How many times do I have to tell you? Spango could know that, he could, he could, oh fuck nevermind. You’re frozen by the dragon’s frightful presence. Two rounds.
The first for metagaming and the second for arguing the call. Fuck. Roll for initiative. John Alex is first. Oh a dragon, it’s presence is frightful, whatever shall I do for two rounds, oh eek! Way to take one for the team. Oh but don’t stand in a straight line! Why not? Because lightning goes in a straight line. *dragon roar* *lightning hit* Ow. Och merciful and well-endowed God of the Dwarves. Please protect these stupid bastards from lightning so that dinna happen again.
Love your servant, Durak. Thanks! I’m still mostly dead but I appreciate the thought! Can you protect a corpse from lightning? Shut up. Brandon. Oh you messed with the wrong barbarian now. Ha! Ha! St. Cuthbert. Lord of Retribution. Bless my blade that I smite this evil creature in its face. Ex gratia, cestus Dei, smashum smashum. I’ll just lie here and bleed to death, no worries. Eek, oh eek. Claw. *dragon swipe* You’ll have to do better than that. Claw. *dragon swipe* Ouch. Bite. Ahh! 53 points of damage. Jesus. Wing buffet. Is that all you’ve got? Whatever I may be scared but I’m not blind. It’s cool. And no one is behind him for the tail slap. What a shame. Linda? Och, God of the Dwarves, whose eternally effulgent wang really is quite tremendous, please heal this silly pointy-eared bint so that she may rise up and rain big time magickal boom boom upon yon evil beastie, for even I must admit it is slightly uglier than she is. Thanks, your servant Durak. You may be immune to lightning, but how would you like a fireball to the face? Ibneth, Sarahseth, HADOKEN! Ha, how do you like… Aw fuck. *dragon roar* Goddamnit! I guess you can’t protect a corpse from lightning. Ha, ha, hwah! St. Cuthbert, guardian of the weak, channel what divine glory you may have to bind thy servant’s wounds. Thy servant? You know I don’t actually worship St. Cuthbert? They also serve those who throw fireballs. Lightning. Fuck. *dragon roar* Claw. You can kill me but my cock is twice as long as yours will ever… *dragon voice* Then again, perhaps not. Huh, who knew? He just killed my wife’s character. You killed whats-his-name. I really liked him. For what’s-his-name! Raaaar! *dragon swipe* Wing buffet. Too small and too fast. Wing buffet. Too big and too well armored. And, the dragon is done. May I please fucking move now? Please? You may. Thank you. See ya. So you are the last. I am. And yet you do not fear. I do not. All of your friends are dead or fled. They are. And yet you… Will. Not. Break. No I will not. Why? Because. Yes? I have faith in my God. Ha! I have faith in my cause. Ha! But most importantly, I have faith in him. Die. *stabs*
*dragon shrieking and dying* *dragon flying and dying* *dragon crashing into bridge* Nice line. Thanks, you too. Yeah, well I thought I’d keep it simple, you know?
There’s no need to guild the lily right? Totally. Yeah. Hey what’s with the book? It must’ve come open during the fight. Didn’t Alaya say something bad would happen if it ever got opened? Oh yeah. Dead bodies rising from the grave in an ever-expanding radius, filled with an uncontrollable hunger for the blood and flesh
of the living. Massive world-ending zombie badness. Tara, shut up, you’re still dead. Oh right, sorry! So we have to throw it in that pillar of holy flame pronto? Yeah probably a good idea. The pillar of holy flame in the middle of that lava filled crater. That’s the one. The one the bridge used to lead to. Yep. Before the dragon destroyed the bridge by dying on top of it. You couldn’t have killed it just a little bit to the left? Fuck! Yeah. *cough* What? Potion. What?? Potion. What??? Potion of Resist Fire in my pack, you useless twits. *cough* Hey, the Potion of Resist Fire in Durak’s pack that I just totally happened to remember. Yes! I’ll just down the potion run out there over the rocky bits, save the world,
run back and help you drag these guys back to the temple and have them resurrected
in time for last call. Wait a minute. What? How long does this potion last? Ten rounds. Ten rounds. So… Sixty seconds. That’s nearly a quarter of a mile. That’s a one way trip. With no body left over. All burned up, no chance for resurrection. That’s tear up your character sheet time. Fuck! *cough* Right, right decision time. Okay. And so it falls to me. I have dedicated my life to the service of St. Cuthbert. And so I shall dedicate my death. There is no more fitting place for me to die than here, in a place dedicated to him. Do not mourn for me my friend. I have known my entire life that I was meant for something like this. I… Ow! Fuck. What the fuck John Alex? Why can’t I feel my legs? Why can’t I move? The stinger from the Purple Worm. Still got enough poison in it for one more sting.
You’ll be fine in a few hours. What? Jesus I don’t believe you.
Are you really that pissed at me for enlisting? Yeah probably, but that’s not why I’m doing this. Then why the fuck are you ruining my big death scene. I’m not ruining anything. I’m stealing it. What? Why? I’m sorry I said you were stupid. I don’t think you’re stupid. Look, I’m never gonna sacrifice my life for the greater good, except here. You, shit man that’s who you are. But I am so goddamned scared. Not that you’ll die. You could die here. You will die somewhere. No, I’m, I’m scared that you’ll die without me. I’m not just, I’m not just scared. I’m fucking furious at you for that you have no idea how mad. Look, you take a bullet, right? And there’s somebody there to
shout out a warning or to drag you to the helicopter or to hold your hand while you die, and it’s not me? I know, it’s stupid, it’s selfish really, to think that I’m the only one that deserves to have your back. But fuck it I am. I fucking am. If you die over there, I’m gonna have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge
that I wasn’t there when you needed me. So if you think I’m just going to stand by and watch you die, even in a stupid game, you are fucking kidding yourself. I’m taking this one whether you like it or not. Got it? Got it. But fuck man, Spango Garnetkiller the 17th. You sure you’re ready to start over from level one? Oh fuck no. Ripping up his character sheet is going to be like
ripping out my own kidney. But it isn’t much of a sacrifice if it doesn’t hurt some, is it? No it isn’t. Kester. Yes Spango. You remember that redheaded blacksmith’s daughter in Behir’s Breath? I do. It is my final wish that you seek her out and
you love her until the day you die. You have always lived your life in the service
to something greater than yourself. And I have always lived my life in service to
nothing but myself. I deserve some sacrifice, and you deserve some happiness. I ask but one thing more. Anything. I ask that you name one of the children after me. Or the dog. Either one will do. Consider it done. St. Cuthbert go with you my friend. And with you. Well I’ve got an early flight, but thanks, seriously. You’re welcome, seriously. Bye Tara. Come back with your shield Spartan. Or on it. No fuck that. Come back with your shield. I’ll do my best. C’mon, I’ll give you a ride home. Hey. Hey. You know what? What? That, in there. Yeah. That was just about the sweetest thing that I think I have ever seen anybody do ever. Thanks, I…. I have had it up to here with your bullshit. I am going back to my apartment. I’m going to leave my door unlocked. I will light some candles, turn on some music and lay down on my bed. Twenty minutes later, you will come into my apartment,
walk into my room, and you will tell me exactly what to do. Okay. So when I moved to Berkeley, this came with me. Hey I may be dumb but I’m not stupid. Shapow! Some people would call that fast, but when you know you know, you know? Berkeley’s great. Found a game store. Made some new friends. We roleplay almost every night. And we game about twice a week. I’m kidding. No he’s not. Saying goodbye to John Alex was hard, but it was time for him to move on to. He’s doing fine. What? Linda and Brandon are Linda and Brandon. I hope Tara and I are half as lucky. And Jason. Yeah. Jason died. In Haditha. Or, he didn’t. He probably didn’t. He’s probably fine. I don’t know. We talked to him about three weeks ago and
until we do again he’s dead and he’s alive and he’s neither and he’s both. You know, I don’t know if Jason’s dead, I don’t know how he’ll die, I don’t how we’ll die, how any of us will die. But I do know, I saw, how a 12th level rogue named Spango Garnetkiller the 17th died.
And it was a good death. No you’re right. Fuck that. It was a glorious death. A transcendent death.
A better death than any of us could ever hope for. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child. I thought as a child. But when I became a man I put away childish things, for now I see through a glass darkly. I guess it just depends on what you mean
by childish things.