Palm Tree Montage – Me and My Grandma (Ep. 1) | MyLifeAsEva

(YouTube Red Jingle) (funky music with a strong beat) – It looks so warm in Calabasas. – Why are Kim and Khloe
always eating salads out of plastic containers? What about that fancy Blac Chyna they’re always talking about? – They eat out of
plastic containers because they’re
always on the go. – But, what exactly
do they do, besides make the chubby lesbian cry? – Grandma, no, that’s Rob.
And they’re famous for being themselves, although I’m
not sure if I’d like that. I mean, everyone wanting to
know everything about you, like what you did on vacation or how you survived high school. – People will watch anything. – If I were famous, I’d
wanna be known for my acting abilities, and keep my
real life a mystery. Like an approachable
Natalie Portman. – Go outside. This is all you’ve
done the past week. – Mom, Grandma needs to see this if she’s gonna watch
tonight’s premiere with me. – It’s called “Keeping
Up With The Kardashians”, I gotta be caught up. – Did you send your resume
to Holt, Hughes and Stanton? – What’s the point? I mean why didn’t you
let me major in theater like I wanted to? Who’s even an
accountant anymore? – I’m an accountant. – And you’re sure your
firm isn’t hiring? Maybe it’s time to get creative. Kim Kardashian used her butt to get her whole family careers. – Don’t you want
more out of life? – I want three Oscars,
a house on the beach, and a headboard that
looks like an aquarium. I’ll send out my
resume tomorrow. – You know Janey, you
don’t have to just sit here on the couch with me. – Look! Palm tree montage. God, how cool would it be
to see a palm tree IRL? – Hey, hit pause. I love sitting on this couch
with you more than anything. – Are you breaking up with me? – You need to want more. You’ve been stuck
in a rut ever since you moved back after school. And we both know you’d
make a terrible accountant. Janey, just go get that
aquarium bed right now. – I think Al’s Pet
World is closed. – It’s a metaphor. – So, what, you think
I should just move to Hollywood and start acting? – See, you already
know what you want. – It’s been my dream my whole
life, but I’m not sure– – Don’t finish that sentence, we hate the end
of that sentence. The end of that
sentence is the enemy. – But Grandma. – No, you’re good. I hear you in your room
doing that monologue from the vampire-werewolf movie. – I don’t do that. Anymore. – If my granddaughter wants
to see some palm trees, she’s gonna see some
damn palm trees. – Well, there was this casting
website I used to look at. – Really? Oh, show me, now. – Here. Seeking women ages 15 to 25
for a used car commercial. Open all heights,
weights, and ethnicities. That’s me!
– That’s you! – Do you really think
I could do this? – Janey, you’ve wanted this
your whole life, if you don’t go now you’ll regret it forever. – Like the time I got bangs. – Yes, that was a terrible
idea, but this isn’t. – I don’t know. (sighs) – You know what? – What? – We could do it together. That’s it! How ’bout if I come with you? – Grandma, you would
really move to LA with me? – Wait, what-what’s happening? Why would you move to LA? – To be an actress! Grandma said she’d come
with me, right Grandma? – Yeah, you think I wanna
watch my daughter-in-law do laundry for the
rest of my life? – I love you, too. – You know what I mean. I dreamt of goin’ to LA when
I was her age, but I couldn’t I had to stay here because of– – The war. – And it’s so cold and
boring here, I could die. You want me and Janey
to die here, Barbara? – Death. It’s coming for me. I never thought it
would but here we are. By sacrificing my life for
his, I’ve finally found peace. – What is happening? What is this? – She’s doing her
vampire-werewolf movie, this is the best part. – But, no regrets, right? Isn’t that what they say? It’s time I accept my
fate and leave home. – Just take good
care of her, please. – You got it. – I’m talkin’ to
your grandmother. – Of course I’ll look after her. And I promise, I will never
let her do anything stupid. – I’ll just be here doing
two less loads of laundry. (Mom laughs) (both laugh and cheer) – Should we pack? – No, hit play. First, we have to “Keep
Up”, I don’t wanna look like some rube from the
sticks when I get to LA. – Oh, and Grandma,
Blac Chyna’s a person, not dishware. – Would you gimme that pen? I need to write this down. – All right, are you ready? Once I turn this key
our new life begins? – Ah, Janey? Could our new life
begin in like a minute? No, make it five. I drank a lota
cocoa, I gotta pee! Sorry, Janey! – I’ll wait for you. (old-fashioned music) – There’s something
thrilling about peeing in the wilderness,
hand me the leaf. Look at us! We’re already
bohemian Los Angeles types. – As soon as we get
there, I’m going vegan, gluten-free, soy-free,
dairy-free, and cruelty-free. But not until we try In-N-Out. – I wanna try Botox. (Janey sighs) – Hey Grandma, does
this look weird to you? Is this bad? – Nah. It’s a bumper, it’s
only for bumping. We just can’t bump anything. – So, should we, like,
put it in the car? – I don’t know,
looks kind of greasy. – I don’t wanna get
bumper juice all over my new Hollywood clothes. – I have an idea. – No! – Okay. In, in. Okay, that’s it! That’s good. – Is it? – Janey, I have bad news. – You have to pee again? – No, I think we have to say
goodbye to our cuddle clothes. – But we’ve had these since
season 18 of “The Bachelor”. – Don’t bring up
Juan Pablo right now, it’s only gonna make me angry. (Janey sighs) Janey, let’s do this right. My bag? (lamenting music) (music builds to
upbeat dance music) – This unit is fantastic,
it’s a Spanish villa with a huge roof deck. It has a sunroom, 24-hour
gym access, as well as recently restored breezeways. – I don’t know what breezeways
are but, I want them. I wanna feel the breeze. – Poker face, Janey. That is amazing! – Here, we have a modern,
mid-century duplex with walk-in closets
and a stunning view of the Hollywood Hills. – Literal goals. – It’s a bargain, only
forty-five hundred a month. – Yeah, okay. – Oh. – Okay. You know, in a certain light, it’s kind of shabby chic. (air mattress pump whirs loudly) – What about in
this light, Janey? – Stop it, we’ll make our
own wall art and we’ll build a coffee table out of old books. Mm, it’s gonna be so Pinterest! Hey Grandma, where’s
your air mattress? – My what now? – Your bed. I get the living room,
you get the bedroom. – Can I also get
your air mattress? – Oh. – What are you people doing? – Janey, get the bat,
we’re being robbed. – Grandma, we don’t have a bat. – Calm down, overly
dramatic new people. I’m not robbing you. You’re making the
building vibrate, her bones are brittle. – I was just trying to
blow up my air mattress. – Careful with that air pump, that’s how the C
started flickering. – Oh, so you live here too? – I’m Heidi. Performance artist. My stage is the coffee
cart downstairs. – I’m Janey, I guess I’m
kind of an artist, too. I’m an actress. – That makes sense. And what, you’re
like the stage mom? – That’s sweet, I’m
the stage grandmom. We’re like sisters. – Huh, we’re not. Hey Heidi, what’s up with
the cell service around here? – There is none. – I was just trying to
map out the route to this car commercial audition
I have tomorrow. We just got in from Michigan. – That also makes sense. – So, should she just pop
outside for cell service? – You don’t ever wanna pop
outside The Ass after dark. – That’s fine. We are resourceful,
independent young women. You think I grew up with Google? All I had during the war
was a belly full of soup and the North Star to guide me. – The war? – Don’t ask. That was here when we moved in. – Yeah, I put it there. – Uhn. (upbeat dance music) I will say that based on the
color of my urine just now, I’m very hydrated,
how’d yours look? – Grandma. – They all look like you. – Excuse me? – No, you’re way prettier,
you’re like Cindy Crawford. – So, you think I look 50? – What? Cindy Crawford’s a
beautiful super model. She was good enough for
Richard Gere, she’s on my list. – I was just saying that you’re
pretty like she’s pretty. – Got it. I’m an old lady
with a pre-cancerous
Raisinet on my face. – What? No! Let’s start over. I’m Janey, and
this is my Grandma. – I am Victoria! – Oh honey, they’re casting
basic bitches down the hall. – If I wanted the
opinion of a questionably sober old woman,
I’d call my mother. And, I’d tell you that
you’re not getting the part, but you already know that. Bye. – She was just trying
to psych you out, that’s why she threw lampshade. – It’s just shade, Grandma. – Miss Skalecki? – That’s me. Grandma, what are you doing? – Well, I wanna
see how it works. Don’t worry, I’ll be
quiet as a church mouse. (group of people laughing) – So, cut to we’re on
the side of the road, in our wearable blankets,
and we look like a couple of Teletubbies
and we shove the bumper into the backseat of the car. (Grandma laughs) So, long story short,
bye-bye cuddle clothes. – Long story long, Grandma,
I think they’ve heard enough. Should I read? – Janey, Janey, you nailed it. I saw him write something
next to your name. – Writing is good,
writing is always good. – Yeah! We should celebrate. – What’s the coolest
Hollywood hotspot we know? – Oh, you shoulda
seen her, Heidi. That car commercial was hers. – God, I really hope so. Grandma’s retirement
money’s only gonna last us a month or so. – Just so you know, I
normally don’t fraternize with customers
during a performance, I’m making an exception. – Commitment. I love it. (cell phone rings) Hello? Hi. Yes. Oh, oh I see. Well, thanks for calling. – What happened? – That was casting, um, they decided to go in a
different direction, so… – Oh, butterscotch? (cell phone rings) Hello? Oh, hi, I– Yes. I, uh… Oh. I understand. Thank you for calling. (cell phone clicks shut) – Who was that? – That was casting. I guess I’m the
different direction. – Wait, you mean? – I got the part. – Well this is awkward. For you guys. Sups entertaining for me. You two are gonna be fun. – Take the bag. (guitar music with heavy beat) – Welcome to the Clerb. Grandma, don’t mimic me. I say that ironically
because I’m not wearing a Von Douche hat. This place is lit, let’s rage. – Hell, yeah. I need to pee. – So, we celebrating
Grandma’s big role? Should we get her shots? Or are we being
petty, I just met you so I don’t know how you roll. – No, I’m thrilled for her. – Yeah, you’re a
really great actress. – Nevermind! The line was too long, I
guess they’re all doing angel dust in
there, right Heidi? – Yeah, it’s an epidemic. – And they’re playing
shuffleboard, and
all the men have fedoras, and the women are
wearing oversized glasses, I feel like I’m in Florida! Maybe they have bingo. – Tuesdays. Grandma, why don’t you order? I wanna see what happens. – Bartender. We’ll have a Tom
Collins, a mint julep, and an old-fashioned
with three cherries. – Savage. – IDs? I just meant– sure. – Well, congrats on
your first gig, G-Money. – Yeah, it’s super cool. – Are you sure you’re
really okay with all this? – For the millionth
time, I’m happy for you. (Janey coughs) – Look at you Drunk Kitchen. – Let’s celebrate. – Yeah! I’m gonna get turned. – It’s turnt. – I’m gonna get turnt! (group cheering) Okay! (laughing) Sorry. (laughing) All right. Woo-hoo! – Your grandma is so cool. Mine just whips me
with prayer beads. (sexy dreamboat music) – I’m not a peen queen
myself, but if I were you, I’d go talk to him. – Hey, who’s Molly? Everyone seems to
be looking for her. – Stay away from Molly,
Grandma, she’s dangerous. – Got it. – Ah, where is he? Where did my
beautiful wet man go? – He left. Maybe you objectified
him too much. I liked it. (giggles) – I think it’s
time for me to go. Can you tell Grandma she
has a big shoot tomorrow and to get home okay? – I think G-String can
take care of herself. – Oh-ho-ho, yes! (Grandma cheering) ♪ Dan cin’ at the
Clerb at the Clerb ♪ Dan cin’ in the Clerb
in the Clerb in the Clerb Woo! ♪ Dan cin’ in the
Clerb in the Clerb (Janey thuds onto floor) – Grandma, are you drunk? – Oh sweetie, why
did you leave early? Are you mad at me? You’re mad at me. – Hmm, let’s see,
why would I be mad? You hijacked my audition,
destroyed me in shuffleboard, and you didn’t even bring
your own air mattress. – Oh. (burps) Excuse me. – You’re not excused. You know, you were
supposed to have my back, not be my competition. – I knew you were mad at me. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to
say, I don’t even know how those casting
people got my number. – You were my emergency contact! – Oh, sweetie. Listen, I know that acting
is your dream, but it just might
be my dream, too. The truth is, the war didn’t keep
me from coming to LA, there was no war. – So, you were lying. – Yeah, of course I was lying,
how old do you think I am? But, you know how I don’t
like to talk about my time in New York and the work I
did off-off Broadway, and– – Yeah, ’cause of the beatniks. – Oh, yeah they were everywhere. Tryin’ to read me their poetry. But still, my time
in the theater, that was the most
exciting time in my life. I wanted to move
to Hollywood, but I was too scared. Uh, boy I hated
admitting that out loud. Sitting on the couch with
you these last few months, I didn’t want you to make
the same mistakes I made, I wanted you to be
brave, and you are. – If I’m brave it’s
because you made me brave. But, why didn’t you tell
me any of this before? – I wasn’t drunk. Look, I thought I was
coming out here for you, I figured my ship had sailed. But then we got out here and
there were boats everywhere! But you are far
more important to me than any silly car commercial. If you don’t want me to do
it, I’m not gonna do it. – I don’t want you to do it. – O-oh. Okay. – Grandma, I’m trolling you! Of course, you have to do it. I’m just worried. I’m not a fancy coffee
performance artist, I didn’t go to acting school,
what if I’m not good enough? What if I don’t get my shot? – Honey, we’re both
gonna get our shot. – (exhales) Ah, Grandma,
what if we have to get jobs at the Stop ‘N’ Shop but
then you get us fired for selling denture glue
and then we can’t get jobs at Best Buy because
you have a criminal record and I can’t wear khakis. Oh Grandma, why are you letting
me go to this dark place. (Grandma snores) Grandma? (Grandma snores) (birds singing) (Grandma exhales) – Oh, oh good, you’re up. Look, what do you think? – Grandma, no you can’t
wear that to the shoot. Or anywhere. – What am I gonna do? – Here. – You think I can pull this off? – That’s your jacket. – I hope they like me, I
really wanna do a good job. – Don’t worry, they’re
gonna love you. You’re cool. AF. – What’s a “AF”? – (chuckles) It
means super cool. – Oh. – Maybe I should
just come with you. – That would be so AF, but first, coffee. – Big shoot today. Break a leg, G-Force. (upbeat dance music) (Janey sighs in wonder) – Grandma, this is real. – Wow. (Janey exclaims excitedly) What’s that, quack mouth? – Duck lips, but that’s out, it’s all about
sparrow face, now. (Grandma cackles joyously) (Grandma breathing hard) (people talking in background) (sexy dreamboat music) (music cuts out)
(fan blowing) He looks even hotter all windy. – Go talk to him. C’mon, you’re the smartest,
most beautiful AF girl I know. – Maybe let’s not use AF. – Noted. But did I ever tell you
about Ethel Rutherford? Well, in high school she
was always going on and on about how girls should
never approach boys. She practically
invented slut-shaming. Do you know where Ethel is now? She got married last month
to her cat, Mr. Tuna Mouth. Do you understand
what I’m saying? – That Ethel’s last
name is now Tuna Mouth? – No, go talk to him. – Ehh! Hi, I’m Janey, are you wet? No, I’m wet. I mean, nobody’s wet, I’m dry, I’m dry Janey. – I’m Oliver,
assistant director. – Sorry, just got into
town, I’m super out of it. I’m still on Michigan time. – No way. Check this out. – Is this real life? Are you really unbuttoning
your shirt right now? – [Both] Go Blue! – You’re from Michigan, too? – Born and raised. Here, so I was in Detroit
until the third grade, and then I moved here. – Lansing? – East Lansing, yeah. – Beautiful. – Nice meetin’ you. – Did you get his digits? – No. – What about his phone number? – Wait, ew, what did you
mean by “get his digits”? Look Grandma, bumper in the car. – And there’s a girl with
her grandma in this script. They changed it. – Look! Cuddle clothes! – [Both] This is us! – Wait, so, they stole our
story and they didn’t cast me? To play me? – Let’s get Grandma to the car. Okay everyone! Places in five. – Hey, Oliver? Maybe you could help me. Could you introduce
me to the director? I think they may have
stole my story, and, um, I auditioned. This part should be mine. – Oh, Um, I’m sure you’d be
amazing but actually the– – Hey babe, I had the PA
get you a BLT with extra B, and I told ’em that you
hate mayo, so if there is any then you should
get him fired. (Victoria exhales disgustedly) Why is this little
Latin boy staring at us? – Come on, Victoria. This is Janey. – We met yesterday,
at the audition? – Oh, I guess you
didn’t get the part, ’cause I did. – Wait, you’re playing me? And you’re dating him? Okay, I– Okay. No. Grandma, they cast someone
else to be play me: that overtly sexual mean
girl we met at the audition. – What? – Yeah, and she’s dating my
beautiful, wet, windy man. – Oh, honey, you didn’t call
him that to his face did y– Nevermind! I am just gonna quit. – No-no-no, don’t,
you’re a professional. – Ugh, what smells
like mothballs in here? – Oh, that tiny nose you paid
too much for actually works? – Can you tell your house
elf this is a closed set? – Don’t worry, I’m leaving. Could this day get any worse? – Okay, rehearsal. Grandma, pretend
to shift the gear. – Okay, shifting. – Uh, Grandma? Grandma? Grandma, no, no! Grandma, Grandma, no! (remixed song with
auto-tune audio) ♪ Grandma-Grandma-Grandma no (Janey slow motion exclamation) ♪ Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪ Grandma no ♪ No ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma no ♪ Gr-Gr-Gr-Gr-Grandma ♪♪ ♪♪ (Select Next jingle) (YouTube Red jingle)


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