[ Regal music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello and welcome to
“Second Chance Theater,” where we give new life
to sketches that were cut from “Saturday Night Live.” Tonight, the tale
of two musical lyricists with an unquenchable desire to compose the next great
Christmas classic. Their passion for music
only surpassed by their love of opposites. You’ll see what I mean
in a moment. We now present
the cut-from-dress “Weekend Update” feature “Jon Bovi”
from December 12, 2009. Enjoy. [ Cheers and applause ] -“Weekend Update”
with Seth Meyers. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] A slew! A slew of Christmas albums are coming out just in time
for the holiday season, including offerings
from such diverse artists as Bob Dylan, David Archuleta,
and Sting. Here to comment,
Bon Jovi opposite band, Jon Bovi. [ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo! -All right! Yeah. Hey, Seth, what’s shaking?
-Bad to be front! [ Laughter ] -So, you guys… For those who don’t, you guys
are a Bon Jovi opposite band. A lot of people probably
don’t know what that means. -Aw, yeah? Well, they will after
they eat an earful of this. 2, 3, 4 —
-234! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Dude, what was that? No, no, no.
You got to separate them. Okay? They’re three
separate numbers. -Oh, okay, okay. I got it.
-Right. You got it? You sure? Okay, here we go!
-Two, three, four… ♪ Oh, we’re all the way there ♪ ♪ Oh-oh! ♪ ♪ Dyin’ on a prayer ♪ ♪ Give my foot, we will not
make it, I do not swear ♪ ♪ Oh-oh! ♪ ♪ Dying on a prayer ♪ ♪ Dying on a prayer ♪ -Boom! [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, hope your ears
have room for dessert. -All right. Well, that…
That’s just wonderful. So, why are you guys
here this time? -Well, you know, we got
a Christmas album coming out. It’s classic Jon Bovi with, you know,
a Yuletide twist. -I used to be an 1/8 Jewish. -Used to be? -I lost it after
I was circumcised last year. I gave the rabbi a nice tip. [ Crowd groans, laughter ] [ Laughter ] -Yeah. Yeah. -Dandy —
-Yeah, I get it! -Okay, all right. -All right. Well, look.
We’re very excited. How about we hear one
of these Christmas songs? -No! And by no, I mean yes.
You ready? Two, three, four —
-Dos, tres, quatro… -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened there? -I did it in Spanish.
-Yeah, I noticed. You mind hopping back over
the border, muchacho? -[ Chuckling ] Okay.
-Okay, all right. Here we go. -Two, three, four… ♪ Stabbed in the butt,
I am to blame ♪ ♪ Darling,
you give hate a good name ♪ ♪ Oh-oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ♪ ♪ Oh-oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ♪ Christmas! [ Cheers and applause ] -Sorry. Just to check your work here, the opposite of
“shot through the heart” is “stabbed in the butt”?
-Uh-huh. Yeah. -Oh, okay. Just checking.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Now, here’s another song
off of our Christmas album. -It’s from
our Heart opposite band. -Heart?
-Yeah, Heart. Which we called, if you —
-Let me guess — Butt? Oh, you’ve heard of us!
Yeah. Yeah. Well, then you’re gonna
love this one. It’s the opposite
of the song “Alone.” -It’s called “Groups.”
-Mm-hmm, yeah. All right. Ready? Two, three, four —
-Ocho, seis, dos. -Dude!
Why do you keep doing that? -Oh, sorry. Guess I got
Spanish on the butt. -Okay. All right. Okay.
Let’s just do it in Inglés. -Okay!
-Okay. Ready? -Two, three, four… -♪ Till now,
I never got by on my lease ♪ -♪ You always never cared
until I met me ♪ ♪ And then it heats me
to the cartilage ♪ ♪ How do I get you in groups ♪ ♪ How do I get you in groups ♪ ♪ Group sex ♪ ♪ This song’s about group sex ♪ Christmas! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Santa’s birthday. ♪ Santa’s birthday ♪ -[ Laughing ] I can’t… can’t — can’t help but notice
kind of a pattern here. -Oh, yeah?
-It doesn’t seem like you’re doing Christmas songs. It seems like all you’re doing is just tacking
the word “Christmas” onto the end of your songs.
-What?! -[ Screams ]
-What are you talking about?! Oh, that is some left-brain BS. You know what —
that’s a fair hit. -What a good listener!
-You’re good listener, Seth. Yeah, no, okay! Okay! Wh–
Hey, how ’bout this? You know the song “Love
Lift Us Up Where We Belong” by Jennifer Warnes
and Joe Cocker? -Mm-hmm.
-Okay. Good. Well, this is our version
from our opposite band Jennifer Peacenes
and Joe Cocker. -Wait. Jennifer Peacenes I get,
for Jennifer Warnes, but no opposite name
for Joe Cocker? -No, his name is perfect.
Okay! Ready? -Two, three, four… ♪ Hate lifts us down
where we be-short ♪ ♪ Where the turtles crawl ♪ ♪ On a Coca sober ♪ Christmas! ♪ Hate lifts us down — ♪
-Oh, wait! I’m sorry! -I was kind of with you guys… -Yeah, we were in the moment.
-…right up until “Coca sober.” -Right.
-Coca sober. How is “Coca sober” the opposite
of “mountain high”? -Oh. Yeah, no.
I’ll walk you through it. Okay. So, here’s the thing. Sober is the opposite of high.
You know, we all know that. We know it too well.
-Yeah. -And the opposite of mountain, which is the first part
of Mountain Dew, okay, is Coca, which is the first part
of Coca-Cola. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ]
It’s right there. -I’m sorry, but that’s, uh… That’s ridiculous.
-[ Laughing ] Oh, what? -You would have gone
with Mr. Pibb. Let’s give it a shot, okay. -♪ On a Mr. sober ♪ -Yeah, that’s great.
-Yeah! -Hey, who’s up for
some Sprick Ringfield? -[ Chuckling ] Oh —
-Two, three, four… ♪ I wish that I had
Jessie’s boy ♪ ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪ ♪ I wish that I had
Jessie’s boy ♪ ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪ ♪ Why can’t I tongue kiss
a dude like that ♪ Christmas! -Jon Bovi, everybody. We’ll be right back
with more “Late Night.” [ Cheers and applause ]