Let’s give it up for Paulina Combow They gave me Africa. That’s fitting. I’m actually from a small town in
Kentucky where the people with the least amount of teeth can pronounce the most prescription drugs. So now you know me. if you know meth culture. uh, okay. Is anybody on a date right now? no. ok, is anybody in a couple? What do you call what you’re doing right now? Surviving. You’re what? Away from the kids. That’s brilliant. That’s why you do comedy, I get it now. Couple. Yes. Perfect. But you don’t have a celeb hall pass though. Probably not, because you live in LA, right? If you don’t know, a celeb hall pass is a celebrity that you and your partner agrees you can have sex with and it’s
not considered cheating And that’s super cute if you live in Idaho. You know, your husband’s like, “okay babe, If you run into Ryan Gosling at your Chase Bank job in Boise You better s*ck h*m *ff baby, or don’t come home!” That doesn’t work here. because nasty celebs are on Tindr too. It’s true I see them. All I’m saying is, if you’re in LA and your girl’s celeb hall pass is screech from Saved by the Bell she’s just regular cheatin on you, bro. No hall pass needed. None Sometimes I say Pauly Shore. I’m trying to figure out who all the male sluts are. It doesn’t work. I’m in a relationship now. No hall pass. and the guy’s actually Mexican. I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that with this accent. I don’t know! The only reason I bring it up is because I work with Mexican people. and they’re the most surprised. and not for the reason you would think. No, they’re like, “YOU date a Mexican?” “How tall is he?” I had no idea that was a sterotype. Anybody? That Mexican people are shorter? I had no idea. Like, I guess I’m always sitting down when they bring out my fajitas. no, no, that’s bad. I’m from Vikings, everybody’s shorter than me. Everybody. I don’t know, he’s actually a normal height for a man. in case you were wondering. Unfortunately, so am I. So I hate it. I hate it. He thinks we look like Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. I don’t. I think we look like Brigit Nielson and Flava Flav. with an accent. I guess. It’s my problem. Not his. He’s got the confidence of…he’s got so much confidence. This is my problem. You know, everybody thinks it’s great to be a tall woman and it is. but it wasn’t great to be this height when i was 9. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. It wasn’t great when my friend’s dads started paying extra attention to me. mostly on the basketball court, you guys. Calm down. It’s not one of those stories. It’s not fun when you’re in 4th grade and wear a blazer to school and get charged the adult price for lunch that day. Sandy the lunch lady. ya’ll have that lunch lady named Sandy? I was like, “Sandy, I don’t know what to do. I only have $1.10.” I’m from Kentucky so that’s how I talked when I was a little girl. and when I’m drunk still. She, was like, “Aww, honey, I’m so sorry. I thought you was a sub.” “Take those shoulder pads out. You’ll be alright.” That was me. That’s where this comes from. I was walking on Hollywood Boulevard the other night with another female friend and we hear behind us, “Excuse me, ladies. Are you religious? but then he says “Cuz you’re wearing the HELL out of those jeans!” and then we went… Have you ever been so relieved by a catcall? So relieved. I did not want to pray with a stranger. No. It was okay. He wasn’t a Scientologist, he was just a regular pervert. Yellin at women at night. Just regular. and he was like So we started talking to him, and he made it very clear that he was talking about my friend and not me. She was wearing the hell out of her jeans. I was not. just to recap. I was like, “well okay…but…say something nice about me then!” Isn’t that what you do? And he wouldn’t. Yeah. He wouldn’t. Um, yeah. He wouldn’t say anything nice about me. I was like c’mon, man. You got one in the chamber. Anything. Literally anything. Just make my night. And he said. “Alright.” “Just take those shoulder pads out, you’ll be alright.” We still walked his @$$ to Chick fil-A. Give it up for Cheri, you guys. Have a great night. Paulina Combow everybody!