The Room – Nostalgia Critic

Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, I’ve gotten emails, and emails, and emails, and emails of people requesting me to do this one certain movie. Well, today, I’m finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review The Room. That’s right, the college film that I made growing up. I’m surprised you guys want me to review this so bad. I mean, it’s not very long and I made it years ago. But ever since I showed it in my flashbacks section, you’ve all requested me to do it. So, let’s not waste any time. Let’s dive right into– Critic! Who are you? I’m you, from the future. Well, what are you doing here, or am I doing here, or what are we doing here? This isn’t the movie they want you to review, Critic. There’s one worse. Far worse, that they say is one of the worst movies of all time. Really? Oh, that is tempting. When was it made? All the way in 2003. But that’s after my cut-off date. That’s barely nostalgic. I know! That’s why I’ve come to take you into the future, so that it will be nostalgic! Aw, but I wanted to review my old college movie. It was gonna be funny. No, it wasn’t. Yes it was. What, were you gonna use another Chuck Norris joke again? Maybe. Come on, Critic! There’s no time to lose! Wow. So what year is this? The future! All right, all right, but why am I downstairs in the basement? It’s the only place we can hide to stay away from the seahorses. Oh, okay. What? Seahorses rule the earth now. Complete domination. Surprised nobody saw it coming, really. Well, I’ll just deal with that as it comes. So, let’s now waste any time. Let’s dive right into The Room. Okay, so after we get our logo that looks like it should be before a TurboGrafx-16 game, we cut to our opening credits. We get some fairly decent shots of San Francisco as we see the star of our movie is Tommy Wiseau. Who I guess was also the executive producer. And the writer. And the producer again. Gee, either the director of this film really likes Tommy Wiseau or, prfft, I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say yeah, just as I thought. Looks like we a have a personal story here, people. Be very afraid. Hi babe. I have something for you. Okay, no, no, no, come on, come on, where’s the real performance? The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool. No, seriously guys, come on, where’s the real actor? You are part of my life. You are everything. I could not go on without you, Lisa. No. What about Elizabeth, huh? No. Let me guess, that’s Tommy Wiseau? Oh, no. That’s the kind of acting they only talk about in fairytales! The kind of acting that they say could never exist! Don’t do it, Critic! Obscurus Lupa? I’ve reviewed this movie already. There’s no need for you to sacrifice your sanity as well! I must, Lupa! True, it will be hard to sit through this anus of a performance, but I must do it for my fans! (sobs) Why, Critic? AWAY WITH YOU! So yeah, this is our main character, everybody. You know that creepy guy who always looks at you funny on the subway? Yeah, he made a movie, apparently! And in that movie he plays Johnny, the fiancee of a pretty young woman named Lisa. – Oh, hey guys!
– Oh hai Denny. And this is Denny. We don’t know that much about him, but after a few scenes you’ll wish it’d stay that way. Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap. Can I go upstairs too? Denny, I think I’m gonna join him. So, a kid comes over and they go upstairs to have sex? That’s kinda rude! What’s the kid supposed to do? I mean, is he supposed to just go upstairs and join them? Uuuuuhhhhhhh… Denny, do you have something else to do? I just like to watch you guys… Uuuuuhhhhhhh!!! Denny, two’s great, but three is a crowd, ha-ha. – I get it. You guys wanna be alone.
– That’s the idea. Fine, I have homework to do, anyway. – Bye, lovebirds!
– Bye, Denny. So, was that a charming scene or should we be emotionally disturbed? Oh well, who cares! We have a gratuitous sex scene to shoot! Which, apparently, they’ve waited until night to do, considering they started during the day, and as soon as they start taking their clothes off, it’s at night. What, did they just pillow fight the whole time? But hey, if you think it took a while for them to start making out, see how long it takes for them to actually start having sex. I mean it! They kiss, play with their clothes, she puts her hair down… just so she could put it back up again. It practically takes forever! And when’d you know it, even the SEX is really off. I mean, look at this angle here! Really look at it! Is he fucking her belly button? ‘Cause it looks like he’s fucking her belly button! Dude, I don’t know how many times you’ve had sex, but it’s not THAT tight! So I’m guessing five days later they finally get sex over with, or whatever the hell you call that. So Johnny gets up for a minute an– (sounds of disgust) FUCK IT, MOVIE! FUCK IT! I- I GOT A HARD ENOUGH TIME WATCHING HIS ACTING, AND YOU GUYS SHOW ME HIS ASS?!! WHAT THE HELL?!! Actually, this whole scene plays like a sex tape gone wrong. In fact, I bet that’s what happened. I bet that’s exactly what happened. Tommy Wiseau was filming himself and his girlfriend having sex, when somebody came across the tape. They confronted him about it, and he said, “Oh no, no! Is not sex tape, is a independent movie I’m making. Yeah, that’s it, independent movie! And, uh, I’m in it, and, uh, so is my girlfriend.” “Tommy, what are you doing?” “I had to think of something, we just have to make movie now.” “But neither of us can act!” “We make movie now!” So Lisa’s mother comes over, as she feels something is wrong. What’s wrong? Tell me. I don’t love him anymore. Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me. He’s so… boring. Okay, if making love to your navel is “boring”, I don’t wanna know what “exciting” is. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. And his position is very secure. “Yes, your job that we’ll never explain or see you do makes much less than his job which we’ll never explain or see him do”. So we see Lisa calling Johnny’s best friend, Mark, as she invites him over for a quote-unquote “talk”. Thank you. It’s hot in here. I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress. I mean, what’s going on here? (The Graduate) Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me. I like you… very much… loverboy. What are you doing this for? “Duuude, I thought we were gonna talk”. Don’t you like me? Johnny’s my best friend. Forget about Johnny. Um, yeah, I’m leaving now. Please, don’t leave! Please, don’t leave! Dude, I like DICKS, okay? I like DICKS. I didn’t know you wanted that spelled out for ya. But, ultimately, he does give in, as Mark and Lisa partake in spiral stair sex. Interesting location… But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers. Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please? Oh hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you. What? Wha-? Here you go. – That’s mee.
– Huh? What- gah- – How much is it?
– It’ll be 18 dollars. – Here you go, keep the change.
– Wait, wha-?
– Hai, doggy. – You’re my favorite customer.
– What? Thanks a lot. Bye. Buh-bye! Okay, hold on! What just happened?! I mean, he’s just buying her some flowers, but… I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let’s analyze this scene. I mean, I know I’m nitpicking, but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me. Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please? Oh hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you. You didn’t know it was HIM? You didn’t recognized the five-foot girly-haired French zombie until he took off his sunglasses?! Here you go. That’s mee. Why did he say that? She didn’t give him any reason to say that. Is that his random catchphrase of the day? – How much is it?
– It’ll be 18 dollars. Here you go, keep the change. Hai, doggy. You’re my favorite customer. Thanks a lot, bye. And what was up with the rushed pace of the last couple seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for, like, 2 minutes so they had to shoot it really fast? Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses. HEY JACKASS, I’M CLOSING MAH STORE IN 30 SECONDS! Here’s the money keep the change hello doggy bye! Hey, Denny, how you doing? I’m fine. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you? You are such a little BRAT. I’m just kidding, I love you and Johnny. You know, this movie is awkward enough, kid, it doesn’t need your help. Hi, babe. These are for you. DId you get your promotion? Nah. You didn’t get it, did you? What part of “Nah” did you not understand? They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me and I don’t care anymore. Ah, Jesus. You know, Jean-Claude Van Damme could be an English teacher compared to this guy! You need a drink. So she makes him a drink of vodka and… wine, as they get ready for another night of slow, awkward sex. “Hahaha, let’s roleplay. You’ll be Sonya Blade, and I’ll be a terrible actor”. Don’t do it, Critic! There’s still time! Linkara? You don’t wanna sit through The Room! It sucks out your mind and replaces it with stupid! Dammit, Linkara, I made a promise to get through this film, and, by God, I’m gonna keep it! You’re mad, Critic! MAD! – BEGONE!
– Okay. So after Johnny and Lisa take another week to have sex, Lisa’s mother drops by again to give more advice. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying! You’re not dying, Mom. I’ve got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer. Yikes! Well, gee, you’re taking it pretty well. Look, don’t worry about it, everything will be fine. And she’s taking it despicably well too. I’m so glad it wasn’t any SERIOUS bad news! Y’know, like, maybe Lisa’s getting bored or something. Well, at least, you have a good man! You’re wrong. He didn’t get his promotion, and he got drunk last night, and he hit me. Johnny doesn’t drink! She just admitted that he hits her, and the mother’s like, “Johnny doesn’t drink! I know he hits you like a football player’s wife, but he doesn’t drink!” Meanwhile, two friends of Lisa come spontaneously out of nowhere to sneak into her apartment and have sex. Did you, uh, know… that… chocolate is the symbol of love? Did you also know that when it rains, huh, huh-huh, huh, people get wet? Hello. What are these characters doing here? I don’t know! They serve no purpose to the story and bring the film to yet another complete halt, so I guess you’ll have to ask the English-challenged director. Meanwhile, Denny is confronted with some bad news. You have my money, right? Y-yeah, it’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes. I’ve got FIVE FUCKING MINUTES! WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ MONEY, DENNY?!! He-hey, I think this is how the movie was financed. Where’s my money? I don’t have any with me! Where’s my money, Denny? (The Big Lebowski) It’s down there somewhere, lemme take another look. But luckily, Johnny and his friends are there to save the day. What did that man want from you?! – Nothing.
– Oh, THAT was not “nothing”! Tell me everything! You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you? Yeah, kid! How dare you have a madman point a gun at you? That’s really inconsiderate. I owe him some money. What kind of money? I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up, I didn’t mean for this to happen. Oh, but Denny, don’t you know, (“Wonderful Ways to Say No” plays) A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that?! You’re not my fucking mother! – You listen to me now, boy!
– No, no, stop! Somebody had better do something around here! “Or Granny will bust a cap in your ass!” Are you okay, Denny? What’s okay? He’s taking drugs! Let’s go home. Denny, you know that Johnny is like your father, and we’re your friends, we’re gonna help you. Let’s go home. “Hey Johnny, what was the point of that scene?” “Never question me, or I cut you”. I miss you… I just saw you, what are you talking about? So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him. I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NAAAAHT! Oh hai, Mark. – I did not hit her! It’s not true!
– No, no no no! Don’t play it again, I think the evidence is very clear! That is the WORST piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right, not one word was said correctly, not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying. There are middle-school PLAYS that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was, like, the nirvana of bad acting. The Holy Grail! All hail to you and your lameness! I did not hit her! I did NAAAAHT! Oh hai, Mark. “By God, was that bad”. You think girls like to cheat like guys do? What makes you say that? I’m just thinking. I used to know a girl, she did a dozen guys, one of ’em found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha, that’s not funny, you sick fuck. Ha ha ha! What a story, Mark! Yeah, you can say that again. I think he just did; that line was horribly dubbed. What a story, Mark! Yeah, you can say that again. Oh, can I? Thank you! – Hey, Johnny.
– Oh hai, Denny. – What wrong with Mark?
– He’s cranky today, ha ha ha! Stop laughing at things that aren’t funny, you goddamn weirdo! And why is there no wind blowing in their hair? It’s about Lisa. Go on. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her. Go on. “Go on?” Wha- you need more? I feel like I wanna kiss her and tell her that I love her. Don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too, as a person, as a human being. Wow! People take shockingly bad news really well in this movie. Did everybody just take a Xanax cocktail in this story? You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there’s nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live. “You can read about it in my new book: The Tao of Johnny. It’s real good, huuuuuh?” If you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you. Awesome. Thanks, Johnny. Let’s go eat, huh? Oh gee, can we eat “huh”? I’ve never had “huh?” before. Is there a “huh?” restaurant somewhere around here?! So Johnny comes home, as Lisa’s friend, Michelle, is just leaving. I can’t talk right now. Why, Lisa?! Why, Lisa?! Please talk to me! PLEASE! You’re lying, I never hit you! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA! Ohhhh my God… Why are you so hysterical?! Do you understand life? Do you? You know what, I got it. You know what this guy is? He’s the Bizarro Fabio – same hokey acting, same undefinable accent, except when Fabio is muscular and good-looking, this guy is– (sounds of disgust) Never show that again! So the guys meet up and throw a football in the alley, because… that’s what guys do, I guess, as Mark lightly taps one of his friends, and he falls over like a clumsy ox. What’s the point of this sequence? Nothing. You can pretty much make trading cards out of how many pointless sequences there are in this movie. Let’s go home, Denny. Boy, he really wants that kid home a lot, doesn’t he? I’m not gonna question anything, but I’m gonna play this music. (“I Will Always Love You” plays) So Lisa’s mother comes over AGAIN to have yet ANOTHER tedious dialogue. I expected your husband to be a little more generous. He’s not my husband. I know, but Johnny is part of our family. Mom… I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. Didn’t we have this conversation like 5 other times? She’s like, “You should like Johnny!” “I don’t!” “You’re a slut!” “Yes!” WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT? So Johnny and Mark sit down and have a talk with their other good friend, Peter. Hey, are you running, um, Bay to Breakers this year? – I am, sure.
– I’m not doing it this year. Ha ha ha! Chicken, Peter! You’re just a little chicken! Cheep cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep cheeep-cheeeeeeep! This has been another… pointless moment. No, Critic! Don’t do it! Spoony? Don’t throw your life away! It’s not worth it! Okay, look, I’m getting through this movie and that’s final! No, Critic! Nobody should be forced to watch Highlander 2. Highlander 2? I’m not reviewing Highlander 2! Oh, good. For a minute there I thought you’ve gone totally insane. That’s a relief. So tell me, what movie are you reviewing? Well, I’m reviewing The Room. Thanks for that. So all the guys get dressed up in their tuxedos, as I guess they’re getting ready to go to the wedding. Catch, Johnny! Oh wait, no, they’re going out to throw the football around again. Okay, well, then are they going to the wedding? No! They just take them off and go on with their daily lives. Do they always rent tuxes when they play football? Is that just an everyday occurrence for them? What’s that? You’re going to play football? Oh, great, I’ll go put on my finest tux! Oh wait, no no no, I’m getting married tomorrow, so, uh, I gotta iron up my jersey. We got a new client at the bank, we make a lot of money. What client? I cannot tell you, it’s confidential. Aw, come on, why not? No, I can’t. Anyway, how’s your sex life? Can’t talk about it. Why not? “Why not”? How about you’ve just brought it the fuck out of nowhere, you… weird alien man?! And yeah, speaking of awkward, Lisa invites Mark over for another night of thrills. What’s going on here? Oh my God! Do you need landing lights to the bed?! She wants to sleep with you! That’s the thing she does every other stinking time you’re over, you fuckin’ idiot! Yeah-yeah-yeah, insert gratuitous sex scene here. So then we cut to– Holy shit! Do these guys do anything else other than play football? This is unbelievable! Hell, they not even playing football, they’re just throwing it back and forth. Do they even know the rules of football? Why don’t you get a new hobby? You know, like Mark! He’s made a wonderful hobby out of screwing his best friend’s fiancee yet acting totally surprised every time he does it. Come on. Wait wait wait, what are you doing? Nothing. Boy, this movie isn’t nearly repetitive enough, though. Why don’t we have yet another talk with Lisa’s mother, as they discuss the same thing they discussed in the last three conversations. I’m fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday, but I’m really not into it. Oh, why not? Wait, wait wait, I’m keen to guess… “I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny”. I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny. “It’s not right, Lisa”. It’s not right, Lisa. Skip it! So after Johnny returns from his Grima Wormtongue audition, we see a surprise party being thrown for his birthday. Yeah, later. Later. – Later?
– Yes. Oookay, enough of that scene… and now back to that scene. What, was that the screensaver while the movie loads? Hey, everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air. Wait… I have something I wanna show you. Oh, really? “Hey, what’s going on here?” That’s right, just make out during your own fiancee’s birthday party! What in all probability could go wrong? What’s going on here? Oh yeah, there’s tons of people around, and you can get caught at any minute. Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Johnny! He’s very sensitive. “That’s right, you listen to me… whoever I am!” So as the night goes on, Mark and Johnny start to get on each other’s nerves. You really don’t know, do you? Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark! Shit! Alright? What do you want from me? Huh? Huh? Alright! Okay, folks, everything is fine, fight is over for. I’m sorry, Mark. Well, good. It looks like that’s over with. She doesn’t wanna talk to you. Since when do you give me orders? Since Lisa’s changed her mind about you! Wake up, man! What planet are you on? That’s the first legitimate question I’ve heard throughout this movie. I think you should leave right now, Mark. Don’t worry about it, man. Don’t touch me, motherfucker! Get out! Stop it! Stop it! You betrayed me, you’re that good! You, you’re just a chicken! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep cheeep-cheeep! “Nobody poorly imitates my favorite farm animal!” It’s over! It’s not over! Everybody betrayed me, I’m fed up with this world! Oh, sheesh, you know, it’s like Christopher Walken if they sucked out all likability. Ouch. So Johnny locks himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out. You can come out now, Johnny. In a few minutes, bitch. Say, you know what this seems like a perfect time to do? Hello. Hi, Mark. I need to talk to you. “Oh God, are you serious?” Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. “I’m standing right here, man!” You know, I love you very much. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!” So Johnny finally throws the bitch out as he throws the most over-the-top and yet somehow nonchalant temper tantrum. [Screams] Why, Lisa?! WHY?! WHY?! You bitch! “Yeah, I’m angry, I guess, roar, roar”. “I’m really mean and frustrated, haaah?” “This is what angry people do, right, haaaaaaah?” Finally, Johnny can take it no more. He puts this God-forsaken performance to a stop. *BANG* Wake up, Johnny! Come on! “Wake up”? I don’t think you really wake up from a bullet in the mouth. Is he dead? Is he dea-? Is he dea-? Well, yes. Yes, he is, young lady. He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. He’s a stiff, bereft of life! He rests in peace! If he didn’t shoot himself, he’d be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket! He’s shuffled off the mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the FRIGGIN’ CHOIR INVISIBLE! THIS… IS AN EX-PERSON!!! Well, I’d better replace it, then. GOOOOOOD! “Goodnight, sweet prick. And flights of assholes sing thee to thy rest”. I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right? Wow! That’s a clumsy rebound! You don’t have me! Mark, we’re free to be together! I love you! “Come on, we’ll have sex on his corpse, it’ll be tons of fun!” What’s happening?! Don’t look, Denny! Johnny’s dead! “For never has there been a tale of more blow, than this dumbass bitch and her Tommy Wiseau.” And that’s The Room. Christity Christ Christ Christ! This movie is a miracle. I’ve never seen a performance so consistently bad or writing so hypnotisingly lame, but, to be honest, I know you’re gonna think I’m crazy…. it’s really worth checking out! It truly is one of those movie you have to see to believe. Nobody could willingly make a movie this interestingly bad. It had to be the warped mindset of some weirdo whose international origins remain a mystery. So, if you’re really up for some absolutely horrible yet surprisingly entertaining shit, this movie is for you. And that’s my review. I hope you enjoyed it and– Critic, we’ve got to go! They’re onto us! Why? What’s going– Are you watching The Room? You know that movie is outlawed! Seize them! ¡Vámonos! Well, I gotta admit, after going through all that it sure is nice to be back in my old room. Hey! How come my walls are bit of a different color? Oh my God… I travelled back and forth so much I must’ve altered the present. What if the machines have taken over? What if humans and apes have switched places? What if all cops are judge, jury and executioner? What if Chris Tucker is a sci-fi radio announcer in a dress? What?! WHAT?!?! Actually, nothing’s different. Your wall’s just a bit of a different color. Really? That’s it? No other huge, mind-boggling alterations at all? Nope. Just a different wall. Oh, that, and you have a tail now. Well, that’ll take a little getting used to. Welcome to my new location. I hope you enjoy, and, as always: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!


Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *