The Worst Chinese Movie Ever Made | Video Essay


THAT’S THE F**KING POSTER! Look, I’m going to swear in this episode Buckle up I’ve been agonizing over how to properly convey the terribleness of this movie And I think I got it I’m going to show you one verse Just ONE VERSE Of its theme song… Ready? “Into Into Into Showbiz” “Biz Biz” “Biz Biz Biz Biz” “Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz” “Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz” “Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz” “Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz” The whole f**king song is like this! For those of you who are unaware Pure Hearts: Into Chinese Showbiz is widely regarded as one of the worst Chinese movies To ever grace the silver screen Of nearly 88,000 votes on Chinese review site, Douban 96% of them gave this movie a one star rating It has a 1 star out of 10 on IMDb! Look at that damn poster!! Sigh… Needless to say, this movie became an Internet sensation in China Not in a “so-bad-it’s-good” sort of way “Anyway, how’s your sex life” But rather, everyone despises this movie From the film itself To the drama behind the scene And everything it stands for But I don’t want to just make fun of this movie Plenty of channels already did that And comedy is not why you are here You want a video essay So I’m gonna dig into this pile of sh*t with my bare hands To show you how and why this movie is so bad And so offensive Welcome, to the worst Chinese movie ever made Let’s start with the writing… If you can call it writing Pure Hearts: Into Chinese Showbiz tells the story of a class in an acting school And everyone’s struggles and sacrifices in the pursuit of their dream career And by everyone, I mean EVERYONE! The film has whooping 11 plotlines One minute we see this girl Whom I’ll name “Purity” (you’ll know why later) Having a crush on his teacher “I have never fallen in love with anybody” “But it so happens” “That I seem to have a strange feeling on Mr. Wen” Next minute, we are looking at these two “Chads” Walking around, hitting on girls That’s all we know about them, by the way No, as in, for the rest of the movie And a minute later, two “Stacys” show up And start talking about how they date older rich men To get ahead in life Not to mention the dance sequences Yeah, dance sequence Uncomfortable yet? The movie has no structure Summarizing it is practically impossible But I’m going to try anyway The main story, I think… Is about the teacher Played by the writer-director– (Are you f**king surprised?) His girlfriend leaves him one night Because he’s a failed artist and poor “Also, that’s actually not my home” “Only a leased apartment” To gain back her love The teacher decides to, what else, make a movie with his students In the process of funding his project Multiple of his students were sexually harassed and assaulted By perverted directors and producers …Of course So it’s pretty much a story of him saving his students Sprinkled with unrelated plotlines Like this “Pretty Boy” getting into a relationship with a sugar mama Or this “Good Boy” losing his legs in a car accident And that’s it, that’s the entire character arc He shows up twice in the movie Once to establish him as a lone son in a poor single parent household Then he comes back later in the movie to lose his legs Trust me, there is just about as much info
in my narration As in the movie Because, let’s get to the heart of the problem here The movie is just a quick amalgamation of tropes Forbidden love between a teacher and a student Sexual bribery The starving artist The Tragedy Sugar mama Mobsters Perverted Director Perverted Producers Rape Suicide These are not stories They are sh*t that the director finds fascinating And inserted into the movie with no care whatsoever The movie has no interest in further exploring these topics The forbidden love bothers no one whatsoever The sexual bribery takes Stacey zero seconds to make the commitment Suicide comes and goes with no ill effects on the characters The director has nothing to say about any of these things How could he? There are overused tropes from popular media Digested versions of stories from other films and TV shows It is not the director’s personal experience As a result, the characters and events are detached from reality The film has no nuance or genuine emotion It doesn’t want to ask the hard questions It is not interested in the substance of good
movies It just wants to… LOOK like other good movies All it wants Is to keep up an image Keep that in mind as we go forward When a movie is recognized as bad It’s more often than not aesthetically bad And that’s the fun part I mean, how do you come to the conclusion that this looks good? But if we take what we learn from our discussion on the film’s writing Suddenly, this film’s questionable aesthetic choices Make a lot more sense Let’s start with the title screen Gold… And diamond… Hmm… I wonder what joke I’m goin– “We were inspired by the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles” Pompous That’s how I’d describe this movie’s aesthetic From the John Wick inspired typography To the tacky variety show chapter screens This movie is again, a buffet of– Wait, what the f**k? F**k? Despite the film’s focus on troubled artists And the half-hearted lesson on not taking shortcuts in the road to success “Put it back on” The movie is hellbent on putting up a “wealthy” display From the landscape drone shots To the boats, wines and babes To race cars To the inclusion of a skydiving scene at the end of the movie that serves no purpose Other than to blow the budget, I guess Even though the story tells us we are in a sleazy area The camera is practically licking this sexy DJ In other words, the film doesn’t even believe in its own message It wants to look rich And it’s taking every shortcut to do so And if you are still unconvinced In the end credits, you can see the movie flaunts its expensive production Helicopters Race cars Skydiving Pop stars Jackie is proud of his stunts That’s what you see in his movie end credits Stephen Chow is proud of his characters and jokes That’s what you see This movie doesn’t want to show you the acting All it cares about is looking expensive Keeping up the appearance Now, we know how is this movie bad It’s one big buffet of tropes But the real question is, “why”? First, why is this bad? Well, obviously, it’s lazy But then, why is laziness so bad? Well, let’s take a closer look: Purity here has no character arc Her entire point in the story is to be saved by the teacher From being sexually assaulted Her purity and virginity become the most valuable and characteristic aspect of her “I guess you are still a virgin?” The Pretty Boy decides to leave his Sugar Mama Not because of his conscience As he was using the Sugar Mama’s money But to pursue another girl He leaves, because he is under too much pressure from cheating “I’m stressed out everyday” His mistake almost kills his teacher And his regret is enough to gain back the love of his girlfriend And the teacher’s love interest She is not a real character She exists as a roadblock and a reward She has no ambition Her only ambition is for the teacher to git gut So that she can marry him And have a good life “What I need is a real home” “And a real man I can rely on” Because when the director is too lazy to think about his story Unintentional messages begin to emerge It’s all because acting schools are said to be a world of pretty girls” Often, they are problematic views Internalized by a director who’s unwilling to challenge himself “Plump as she may be” “I really like her so much” In this case, it’s misogyny Manifested on, practically every single female character in this movie When your desire in life isn’t to pursue the substance When you only want to keep up the image Your worst qualities will never go away And they will manifest “And this suit of clothes cost 8,000 yuan” But there is one character that’s flawless Who does no wrong “Mr. Wen is pretty young” “But he is very talented too.” Played by the writer-director The teacher’s love interest is widely considered to be the most photogenic of all the actresses Coincidentally, they are the only couple to have a kissing scene All actors in this film are alledgedly unpaid volunteers Most of them, at the time of filming, were still students They were frequently overworked 9 actors chose to leave the production because of this Actors were given extra duties unrelated to the film The night before Chinese New Year The director called and gathered them up for group activities After only 3 hours of sleep The director woke everyone up To participate in the flag ceremony Behind the scene dramas are numerous in this production That’s why the film is so notorious “I feel like that’s not a music video” “It’s an album for future blackmailing” When pre-release reviews were released With quote-unquote “experts” giving hollow, non-specific compliments “The chapter titles are very well done” Chinese audience understandably gets suspicious A short investigation reveals that the film festival this movie was shown in Is nothing more than an award farm Finally, as soon as the film is released to the public The reviews show the film as what it truly is A piece of sh*t Instead of accepting the criticism The director sue the review site for suppressing review scores This movie isn’t just bad It is offensive A narcissistic director With delusion of grandeur Who refuse to accept criticism And fails to see his moral failure And I don’t just hate the movie I hate what it stands for Searching had a budget of 880,000 dollars Halloween, 325,000 The Following, 6000 This movie cost over 3 million! And they can’t even find a font that works properly Half of the characters reverted back to the default font Somehow, even the attempt at keeping up the appearance is half-assed Just really shows you how much the director cares about this vanity project Then again, what do you expect from an artist who’s too lazy to challenge himself At this point, I’m fairly confident that I put more thought into this movie Than the director And possibly any other human beings on Earth So, I’m going to call it I’m gonna leave you with this scene Where the movie attempts to wrap up all 11 plotlines With a “graduation drama” Enjoy

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