Top 10 Things Cinema Ushers Don’t want you to know – by Malcolm E. Klektic Esq.


We love going to the cinema. The thrill of
watching the latest blockbusters in a darkened room full of strangers with strange diseases. An excuse to slip your penis into a box of popcorn and feel the warm truffle butter
grease your hotdog as strangers get the surprise of their life when you offer them a handful
your popcorn. But there’s a darker side to the cinema, a
side that the industry at large is trying to keep secret. Well ten secrets in fact and today we’re going to blow the lid of the lot of them. I’m Barry at what vulture dot com and this
is the top ten things cinema ushers don’t want you to know! Number 1. Hot Air! The aircon is turned up
at least 10% hotter than is comfortable to make you drink more. If you ask us to turn
it down we will lie and said we did. Chances are we probably turned it up. Sometimes we turn the heating all the way down just to fuck with you. Number 2. Salt is in everything! The popcorn contains salt to make you eat more. Salt as
you know makes you thirsty. This is proven by science fact. This combined with the increased
temperature in the auditoria allows us to suck you dry of a few more pennies by using
your own body to betray itself. Number 3. 2 hours of trailers! We know you’re
going to arrive ten minutes late no matter what time we tell you. So that’s why there’s
adverts. Each of those adverts contain subliminal messages telling you to consume more. Don’t
believe us? Next time you’re in a cinema take a video of the screen and play it back in
slow-mo. Number 4. Recording films is illegal! We get
money for identifying people recording the movie screen. Rewards start from £1000
and a years supply of yogurt to stepping up a rung in the international lizard empire
that secretly runs the entire galaxy. Number 5. All trailers are in fact the same!
Trailer are created by an algorithm. That’s why you keep hearing the same music. Remember
the kettle drums and horns of Prometheus? Well, this year it’s all about the gentle pop
song sung in an ironic maner against horrific images of war and violence. And that’s just
the kids films. Number 6. The customer is not always right!
You are an idiot and we hate you! It’s not just an act. That look on our face is abject
disdain and we have detailed records to prove you are a drain on humanity. For example –
You remember those extra large popcorns and drinks you used to buy then saw super sized
me and realised you were crushing your heart with fat and gristle so you down sized happy
in the deluded belief that you had done your bit for obesity and would live a few minutes
longer. Well in reality, we just changed the names. So your large is really the old
XXL. We didn’t even change the prices. Idiots! Number 7. Annoying audience! You know those
people? Those people who bring in their boil in the bag teriyaki that smells like it’s partially decomposed
or munch open mouth loud snack wrapped in improbably loud crisps packets. Those people
bring their food in that sit next to you and ruin the film are part of the world wide Jewish
banking conspiracy designed to raise your blood pressure causing you to buy more heart
medicine therefore increasing the stock price of big pharma further enslaving you and you’re children Number 8. We know what really happened to JFK! Originally toast was cut into rectangles never
triangles. This was to honour the heroes of the American Revolution and therefore named
soldiers. The worldwide gangster computer god didn’t like this and hatched a plan to
eliminate all resistance to his Frankenstein’s headset world wide puppet underlings and it
would start with toast. JFK being the patriot he was was in the process and enshrining into
law an ammendedment that would ensure that all toast would be cut square in the traditional
manner. After his assassination by a “lone gun man” toast rapidly began to be cut into
triangles the well known symbol of the Illuminati to remind us that all resistance is futile. Number 10. Rubbish Etiquette! We love it when
you leave your shit all over the floor. We particularly love it when you smear your nacho
cheese and mucus membranes fetal matter on the seats. Baby nappies, soiled underwear
and human feaces are all recycled using a hydroxide venigar solution to create the various
condiments that appear to be ketchup, mustard mayo and BBQ sauce but are deliberately not
labelled as such to avoid lawsuits. Number 11. Mind control and anal hacking! Ever come out of a movie and wonder just what the fuck you have watched? Left the Fast and Furious and completely forgot what happened? resorting to watch YouTube videos to tell what just
happened and how you feel about it? Well it’s all part of the plan. At a predetermined point
of the movie sleeping gas is pumped into the room sending the audience into a semi comatosed
state. Scientists then enter the auditorium and take samples and perform various experiments pushing increasingly larger items into your rectum. The purpose of this remains a mystery to all but the higher levels of the Illuminati. We then remove ourselves
from the screen and you are awakened by a key phrase or a picture of Melissa McCarthy.
Why else would we put her In everything? And there you have it another true and factual
top ten list. If you like our channel please hit the like button below and subscribe. Donate
something via patron. Send us a slice of pizza or sacrifice your first born heir in the name
of the dark lord Beelzebub. Warning! This video is intended as parody and satire and is meant in no way to be interpreted as truth. Big kisses. We love you.

3 Comments

Add a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *