True Confessions with John Mulaney and Pete Davidson


-Wow.
-All right. -Wow.
-All right. -So, here’s how it works. In front of each of us are two envelopes
containing confessions. One confession is true,
the other is a lie. Once you read your confession, the other two players have
60 seconds to interrogate you. And they have to guess if you’ve
been lying or telling the truth. John, you’ll go first. Pete, which envelope
should John open? -Wait. Mine or his?
-His. -Oh.
Number two. I don’t know.
-Yeah, I know. It doesn’t really matter,
this part of it, yeah. Well, this could be the lie
or the truth, we don’t know. -Cool.
-All right. -He’s selling already.
Look at him. -Are we doing it correctly?
-Yes. -Is this mine or his?
-No, this is his. -So what am I —
Who am I talking about, you? -You’re talking about you.
-Oh. All right. -Do you get it?
-Yeah, I should read the e-mail. [ Laughter ] -All right, gentlemen. [ Clears throat ] My neighbor was arrested
by the FBI for being a cannibal. -What?
[ Laughter ] Uh, okay, what year was this?
-2013. -So, cannibalism,
totally illegal at this point. -So, wait —
[ Laughter ] Is this L.A.?
-New York. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, oh, wow, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That could actually happen.
Yeah, okay. -The FBI got involved,
but how did you know? They knocked on —
They asked questions of you? -When the FBI
was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy
in a 6:00 a.m. raid. -Now, did you have any clue that
he was suspicious of anything? -No, he never said to me
in the elevator, “Guess what.” [ Laughter ] “I might be a cannibal.” -It’s freaking me out,
because his voice is, like, what interrogation is. [ Laughter ] You’re like, “I was there.”
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -“I was there.
It was 6:00 a.m.” [ Laughter ] -A pre-dawn raid.
-Yeah. -Did the guy ever act odd
at all? -He was quiet.
-Yeah. -But he was so hungry.
-What was his name? [ Laughter ] -I don’t know his name. -Oh, oh.
Interesting. Didn’t have a — didn’t have
a Nickname for him? -No, it was a big building
in New York, so I didn’t
have names for everyone. [ Buzzer ] -I say no,
’cause if it was L.A., I would buy it,
but I don’t think people are eating people here.
[ Laughter ] -I think it’s the opposite.
-You think it’s the opposite? -I think New York has got some
crazy, seedy stuff happening. -No, L.A. — they’ll cut
your head off here, but out there,
they’ll cut it off and eat it. [ Laughter ] That’s Hollywood.
-I know. What are you gonna say?
-I’m gonna say no. I think it’s false.
-I’m gonna say — I’m gonna say, no, it’s false. -It’s true.
-No! -What?! What are you talking about?
-What? -What?
-All right. All right. -How did I not hear about this? -Do you remember
the cannibal cop? -What?
-Who remembers the cannibal cop? -Yes, yes.
-You remember that story? All right.
There was a cop, and he was — He was online.
He was on message boards. He’s going,
“I’m gonna eat people. I’m gonna kill and eat people.”
And then other people would go, “I’m gonna kill people with you
and eat them, too,” you know? -What messages boards
are you on? [ Laughter ]
-I’m not on these, all right? My neighbors and friends are.
-Oh, okay. -So, our neighbor
was on a message board with him and was planning to kidnap and eat someone
with the cannibal cop. They did a sting operation
where an FBI agent pretended to be
another interested cannibal who was also hungry for people.
[ Laughter ] And then he was like,
“Let’s meet at 6:00 a.m., and we’ll go get someone
and eat ’em.” My neighbor goes, “Yes,” and the FBI shows up
at 6:00 a.m. and arrests my neighbor,
and we have not spoken since. -Wow!
[ Laughter ] Unbelievable.
Well done. Wow. I thought
that one was out there. -I mean, yeah. -I thought that one
was out there. -Yeah.
-I did not see that — -You’ve probably
told me this before. -I haven’t.
I’ve lived a full life. There’s many stories.
[ Laughter ] -All right.
It’s my turn. Which envelope should I open?
Does it matter? One or two?
-One. -You sure?
Two is pretty good. -No, I like one. [ Laughter ] -Here we go. I once went
for a beer with a musician and woke up in a hotel room
in Nashville. ♪♪ -Where did the evening start? -New York.
-Yes. It’s true.
[ Laughter ] -You have to ask questions!
-Nope. -You have to ask questions.
-It’s true. I know you.
It’s true. [ Laughter ] -You have to ask questions,
though. -It’s fill time.
I think it’s true, too. -It’s 100% true.
-You both know what happened. -Uh, what instrument
did the musician play? [ Laughter ] -Mandolin.
No, I’m just kidding. No, a guitar.
-Okay. -Do you recall any of the trip
from New York to Nashville? -I remember, yes,
getting to Nashville. [ Laughter ] -You recall —
You came alert in Nashville? -Yeah, I was in Nashville. I totally remembered
that part of it, yeah, and then I just didn’t know that
I was gonna stay over there. -Was this the first time
you met this musician? -No.
-Okay. -Is it a one-guy band?
-No, interesting. That’s a good question.
-Yeah. -No, like a one-man-band thing?
-Yeah. -No.
It was a duo. -It’s a duo?
-A duo? -A duo.
-Interesting. -Yeah.
-A mandolin and something else. With what?
[ Laughter ] [ Buzzer ] -Yeah. You both were
just asking me fake — You think it really happened.
-Of course. -Of course.
-It’s so true. [ Laughter ]
Come on. -Yeah, it is true.
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] But you didn’t even question it.
Why didn’t you question it? -Because, it’s just like —
-It just ended up happening. -Yeah.
-We’ve all been there. -All right, all right.
[ Laughter ] All right, yeah.
-Wait, so — -So, who was it?
-It was John Rich, and he — -Who?
-Of Big & Rich. -Who?
-Big & Rich. -It’s country music.
-Oh. -They were on the —
[ Laughter ] They were on “The Bachelor”
one time. -So my reaction was correct.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -We’re not guessing
because you’re correct. Yeah, yeah.
-All right, cool. -Pete, it’s your turn. I’m going to choose envelope
number one, of course. -All right.
-Yeah, that’s the one. I can’t believe,
not one question. You were like,
“Yeah, it’s done.” -I vamped.
-Yeah, you did. -Lorne Michaels and I
went to Jamaica together on vacation for New Year’s. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -I really want that to be a lie. [ Laughter ] -Wait. Lorne Michaels, who is —
-Our boss. -Our boss.
He started all of our careers. -Yeah.
-Went to Jamaica with you? -No, I went with him —
for New Year’s. -You went with him?
-Pete couldn’t foot the bill. -When I was 20. -I don’t know if I would ever,
ever go to Jamaica with you. [ Laughter ] I might as well go to Nashville
and wake up in Nashville. -Yeah. -There’s really
nothing in Jamaica that you haven’t duplicated
here in the United States. [ Laughter ] -That is totally true.
-Wait. You were 20? -Yeah.
-Oh, 20 years old. -What year did —
How old were you when you began being on “Saturday Night Live”? -20.
-20? The first year? -The first season?
-Yeah. -The first season
you’re never really that close with Lorne, though.
-Right. -New Year’s, too?
-Yeah. -Over the break.
-Spending a holiday with Lorne? -Eight episodes in.
20 years old. -Eight episodes in…
-Yes. -…a man, your senior…
-Yeah. -…goes, “That kid, Jamaica.”
[ Buzzer ] -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] [ Drum roll ] -No.
-I mean, ’cause I could see maybe now you and Lorne
maybe might vacation somewhere, meet up somewhere,
but at the time? -I mean, Jamaica — the two
of them walking around Jamaica. [ Laughter ] I vote —
-No. -I want it to be true,
but I’ll go no. -I want it to be true.
I’m saying no, not true. -It is true.
[ Laughter ] -I’m terrible at this game! -What?!
-Wow! I’m terrible at this game.
What? How? What do you mean? -Oh, he grew me
in the office. [ Laughter ] No, he was — I just —
He just was like, “I’m going to Jamaica.
Do you want to come?” And I was like,
“[Bleep] yeah, dude.” [ Laughter ] -Did you guys, like, stay next
to each other in the hotel? -Yeah, I stayed —
Well, I stayed — I didn’t want to stay —
He offered to stay where he was, but I didn’t want to, like,
you know, be me around him. So I stayed at the hotel
10 minutes away. ‘Cause I would’ve been fired
if I stayed there. [ Laughter ] I have to give him his —
-You smoked that much weed? -Oh, my God.
-Yeah, it was a lot of fun. -Yeah, oh, my God.
-Yeah. -Our thanks to John Mulaney,
Pete Davidson! [ Cheers and applause ]
Check them out on “Saturday Night Live”
this weekend!

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