“Walter’s Wisdom: The joys of marriage” | Arguing with Myself | JEFF DUNHAM


– Getting married’s kinda
like buying a new car. – A new car? – You know when you see that car in the showroom floor, just
before you take it home? – [Jeff] Yeah. – That’s as good as it’s ever gonna look. (audience laughing) Pretty soon, it’ll have
dents and scratches, parts start to go bad. Then the new models come
out and you’re like, oh, oh, oh. (audience laughing) Honey, can I just sit in it? (audience laughing) Don’t remember, (imitates dog yelping) (audience laughing loudly) (audience clapping) – Walter, how’s the love life? – You mean sex? – Yeah. – I’m married, you moron. (audience laughing) I’m too old, to. – You’re not too old. – How would you know? – Well, I don’t know, but I
do know I have grandparents, well into their 80s were still having fun. – Their 80s? – Yeah. – Good god. What the hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I can’t remember. (audience laughing loudly) We just finished. Who are you? (audience laughing) – Walter, you trying to tell me there’s nothing sexually going on between you and your wife? – It’s very difficult. She gripes about everything. – Like what? – She said I don’t make the
right noises during sex. – Sorry to hear that. – You want to hear what I do? – No. (audience laughing) – Alright you talked me into it. – Now, wait a minute. – Be careful. These are gonna be kinda pornographic. Get off. (audience laughing loudly) (audience clapping) I can’t see the Weather Channel. (audience laughing) – You know, Walter, I know
you know better than I do, but is there any kind of
foreplay for you guys? – Foreplay, at our age? Yeah, it’s come down to, “Hey, wake up.” (audience laughing) You know what oral sex for us is? – What? – She screams, “Screw you.”
and I yell, “Bite me.” (audience laughing) (audience clapping) – Come on, Walter, at your age, how do you keep things
fresh in the bedroom? – Febreeze. (audience laughing) I don’t know. My wife and I heard that
coffee’s good for your sex life. – Coffee? – Yeah.
– Is it? – No, it kept me awake
for the whole, damn thing. (audience laughing) I actually had to participate. Doctor said it’s bad for my heart, too. – Oh, the caffeine? – No, seeing my wife naked. (audience laughing) – That’s awful. – Oh, you’ve seen her, too? – No. (audience laughing) So, is coffee good for
the sex life or not? – I don’t know, but they’re never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again. (audience laughing) Well, we used a filter. (audience laughing) – You know, Walter, despite how you act, I bet when you were younger
you were quite a ladies man. – I used to chase skirts
all over the world. – Really? – Until I got to Scotland
and boy was I surprised. (audience laughing) – So, you had women everywhere? – I even dated a girl in India. – Really? – Lovely, young lady. – Sure. – Weird, ass country. – What’s wrong with India? – I don’t know, most of the women got a red dot in the
middle of their forehead. What the hell is that? You are here. (audience laughing) Maybe it lights up when
the coffee’s ready. (audience laughing) – I’m sorry. (audience laughing) – Scratch it off, you
freakin’ win something. – Will you stop. (audience laughing) – How about this? Hey, it looks like she’s
video taping me all the time. (audience laughing loudly) (swooshing) What would you call a player
in a management position? – Right. – Pimp. – What the hell’s going on? Our guy sucks. – Have you ever had an intervention? – Yeah, penicillin cleared her right up. – I do not use them.

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